though it hurts to breathe

[athru]

Who: Raven, Hank, Charles and Erik
Broadcast: No
Action: On the Heron
When: Now onwards!

[ It had taken her a little while to calm down with Hank at her side, long enough that she's practically itching to make her way over to the Heron as soon as she can, device in her hand - the temptation to text ahead, to make sure they're really there, that they're okay, is almost a little too daunting and there's not much Raven can do other than force herself to stop. She's stronger than this, true, but coming out of the other side of something as horrendous as Apocalypse and standing tall, waking up on the Fleet, trying to figure out if she can handle it all again - it's too much.

The only thoughts in her mind are that she needs to find Charles, she needs to find Erik, and she needs to make sure they're alive, that they're safe, that they're here. This is going to be impossibly difficult for all four of them, Hank at her side, but they could work through it. They beat an all powerful mutant 'God', they came together as a family and they worked, hard, to make sure they all came out alive the other side.

What was the Fleet after all that?

It doesn't take her long to break away from Hank into a practical run as she reaches the Heron, a flash as she makes her way down the hall to find the other two mutants. Erik is important in her mind, of course, but her first instinct is to call out for Charles, standing outside the door and pressing her fingers against it, afraid for a moment that he won't answer, that he won't be there. The fear grips her, and her hands shake, but she does it anyway, knocking and calling for her brother.

After that, later... Well, she has to take time to calm down. Once she's sure Charles is safe, that Erik is safe, she can actually move to relax herself, the weight on her shoulders fading away. It takes time, but it happens, slowly... But she doesn't leave. She doesn't feel like she can leave either of them, and she wonders how they're going to handle that. ]

Comments

[exothermia]

Yes.

[That's all he says. He knows the 'we' isn't for him. As welcome as he is at the school, it belongs to Charles, Hank and Raven. Staying there was too hard, once he'd finished rebuilding. His presence was likely to be a danger to them. He had no purpose there. He has none anywhere, but at least when he's on his own, he isn't reminded of it quite so much.]

[athru]

[ Raven squeezes his hand again, and then she's shifting, gently, moving more into his space so she can rest her head on his arm. When she speaks, her voice is quiet, a mumble; she's still tired, despite the sleep they've all been in, and the rush of memories lie heavy on her chest. ]

Do you remember what I said? In Cairo?

[exothermia]

[She's too intent on staying in his space for him to deny it, though part of him wants to. He has to settle for turning his face away, keeping an arm around her shoulders. Her voice carries the exhaustion he feels deep in his bones.]

I'm not likely to forget it.

[athru]

Good. Don't.

[ Raven might not understand how he and Charles are going to work forward from this, but her devotion to him doesn't mean she's completely bereft of devotion to Erik. She's going to be there for him, too, and there's no escaping that - he's just going to have to learn to manage it. ]

[exothermia]

[If he were to forget that, he'd vanish from the world. After what Raven and Peter had done, he wasn't going to... something in him stiffens, going rigid.

Peter.

Knowledge he'd gained in the Fleet suddenly collides with the past ten years and he forgets to breathe for a moment. It's with great effort that he takes a breath, though he's staring so blankly at the opposite wall that he doesn't remember to reply to Raven.]

[athru]

[ Raven didn't get to be as talented with her mutation as she was without noticing people, and as soon as he tenses she's turning her attention to him. She's careful as she tucks herself against his side, tilting her head up to look at him. Her concern is obvious, and she frowns, also uncertain before she speaks. ]

Erik?

[ She's as pushy as she had been ten years before, but she has a touch more tact now. ]

[exothermia]

[He brings a hand up to press against his face, and he shakes his head rapidly. No.

He hadn't known then. The boy hadn't told him. "I'm here for my family too." He must have known, to have come all that way and say that, and for what? Someone like Erik who'd had no idea, not a single care for what happened to his--

Distress starts building inside him, potent and terrifying, and try as he might he can't keep a handle on it.]

[athru]

[ Raven is moving instantly and she shifts, stepping forward and crowding a little into Erik's space. She reaches up and puts her hand over his and for a moment she doesn't think there's anything she can do; she watches him, dragging her eyes over his features, and offers herself as an anchor, as something for him to turn to and hold onto.

He's not going to speak to Charles about it, she thinks.

She's not quite tall enough to get close like she had with Charles, but it doesn't stop her. She's pressing a hand against his neck and urging him to focus, and her voice is gentle and sure when she speaks, even if she's struggling to hide her own uncertainty and her fear. She's scared for what's happening in his mind and what's hurting him so desperately. ]

Erik. Look at me - me. I'm here, and I'm not moving.

[exothermia]

[He can hear Peter's scream as En Sabah Nur breaks his bones and he can hear Nina's laughter as the deer flock towards her and he can feel her cooling body in his hands and he doesn't know what to do. You already knew this hisses part of his mind but he hadn't, had he? He didn't know then. He'd known so many things (you have children, you lead the X-Men in the fight against Apocalypse, if you leave you can come home, he loves you and you're going to make things work) that hadn't translated, hadn't reached him at all. For a mad moment he wonders what's real and what's not.

Raven's hand against his neck is. After a stuttering moment he blinks and focuses on her face, his breath coming short and sharp.]

[athru]

There you are.

[ Raven moves the hand from his neck and rests it in his cheek, trying to comfort him before it goes to find his hand. Then she can shift before she adjusts how close she's standing - she doesn't want to crowd him now when he's back with her, and she knows from experience how stifling that kind of intense company is.

Instead, she holds his hand gently. She watches his face and she drinks him in before she lets her eyes move back to his face properly. She'd lost him for a moment and she doesn't have to think too hard about where he'd gone; they're all hurting in similar ways. It's hard for her not to go out of her way and push, but she also knows Erik; if he needs her for more he knows she's there. ]

Should we sit down?

[exothermia]

[His breathing levels out as the panic subsides, though it's a long moment before he nods to Raven's question.]

If-- all right.

[athru]

[ There's no hesitation, not from her - she guides him away from the hall and back into the room she assumes is his, urging him straight over to the bed so he can sit down. The hallway night have been easier on his mind, but it wouldn't be comfortable or private and she thinks that's what he needs.

Careful, Raven sits beside him, watching quietly. ]

Okay?

[exothermia]

[She guesses correctly, though nothing in the room speaks to his personal tastes. The only clue is the bright magenta fluffslug that's currently curled up on the pillow, deposited there earlier when Erik finally came back outside.

His thoughts are still trying to whirl and clamour, but now there's a name to put to it, he's able to force them back enough to think and react. He watches Raven for a moment, his togetherness from earlier lost for now.]

Yes. I'm all right. I was just... [He doesn't know how to finish that sentence. Words seem lacking.]

[athru]

[ She doesn't comment on the room, or the decoration, or the fact that he's probably not staying with Charles anymore. None of that really seems to matter right now, and what she focusses on is Erik. Ten years ago she had struggled with accepting his friendship again, struggled to forgive him and slowly rebuild things, and now she can't imagine not being here, or abandoning him to his pain.

Instead, she lets her hand stay in his, thumb brushing over his knuckles, a steady, comforting force beside him. If he needs more he can reach for her and she would be willing to give it, and she thinks they're both aware of it. ]

You don't have to talk about it. I'm not here to force you to talk.

[exothermia]

[No, she wouldn't be. None of them are talking, at least as far as he's concerned. He and Charles are skirting each other with wide margins, too afraid to cross the ice in the middle and fall into the depths below. And after that, who else is really going to talk to him? (A lot of people, not that he's willing to concede that fact just now.)

He shakes his head briefly, trying to clear it from the echoes.]

Did-- you know? When you brought Peter to Cairo. [He can get that much out, nothing further yet. Now that he's put the pieces together, they won't cut into him quite so badly. For now.]

[athru]

[ Maybe it'll be easier to talk and be comfortable when things have settled down, but right now Raven's mind is still a mess of a thousand and one things at once. It's being back here with memories that are both ten years old and one week ago all tangled up and twisted inside her trying to war with the ten years since she was last here, and it's left her in a bit of a confused mess.

For now, she blinks, turning her head up to look at her friend before she breathes out gently. ]

I knew. He told me, when Stryker caught us and took us to his base. [ She had made it as clear to Erik as she could without taking Peter's autonomy from him, and how she squeezes Erik's hand gently. ] You know what he was doing there - he told you.

[exothermia]

[He had heard, but he hadn't understood. Understanding anything in that moment had taken so much effort; even Raven's words hadn't really penetrated until she had gone from his side.]

I didn't know.

[athru]

I know. He knew that, too.

[ Raven frowns, considering, for a moment, before she breathes out. ]

I won't tell you what he said to me unless you want to know. It's your right to decide that.

[exothermia]

[His fingers flex in Raven's hand, like he's not sure whether he wants to pull away or tighten the grip. It's still rocky, turning the information over in his head. It had come at him out of nowhere just now, when he was already overloaded and just keeping his head above water. Part of him wants to just push it away and leave it alone, something he doesn't need to deal with right now. Peter isn't here, after all.

(He has a son, somewhere. Untarnished. Safe.)]

...no. No, that's not necessary. It's not for me to hear until-- [He can't imagine talking to Peter himself right now.] --later. [That last is halting, like he needs to finish the sentence but nothing is adequate.]

[athru]

[ Raven can't understand, not really, because she hasn't been overloaded in the same way; she knows about the chance for her own child and his existence, thanks to this fleet, but she hadn't given herself time to think about it or focus on what it might mean. Her attention is solely on Erik, and she leans closer, wanting to take care of him, to comfort him, to be at his side, and...

Closing her eyes, she swallows, trying to calm herself down before she turns her attention back to her friend. ]

Later works too. [ She puts her other hand over his, so that both of hers are touching one of his. She wants to be comforting, and she nods her head, expression gentle. ] You don't need to force yourself.

[exothermia]

I'm not. I'm... [He lets out a sharp breath.] I'd already started working about it. Here. In the Fleet. There's another version of him... around. He isn't a mutant; I'm not connected to him.

[athru]

Then you don't have to think about him right now. He's not connected to you, so. [ Raven shrugs a shoulder. She knows there's a Kurt here on the Fleet but she's never made an attempt to go and meet him - she doesn't intend to start now. ] Right now you need to think about yourself.

[exothermia]

[Kurt is a whole other landmine. One Erik is already starting to think about, privately, knowing he can't put off that conversation. None of them have to know what he's planning, though.]

I don't want to. [That's pathetic, but it is what it is.]

[athru]

[ She shifts, moving, drawing Erik close, leaning up a little. ]

Then think about baking. Think about the stupid planet with it's overpriced rubbish. Give yourself time to recover from this, because we all need it. It's not like we're going to wake up in a few days time and everything is going to be okay, because it's not. We have the right to work through this, and so do you.

[exothermia]

[The idea of baking only twists something in his stomach, because he'd done that at home. He hadn't often had the time, with work, but on weekends he'd cook the dinners for them. Nina had wanted to learn, too.

He takes a breath.]

It's not so much a right as a necessity.