driftfleet | (no subject)

[ he finally allows himself to lean on her - physically, if not emotionally. ]

Guess I need a new evil plan.

[ if sascha hadn't been so miserable, he probably could have handled it better, made it through his 20 minutes, and they'd be smiling and making out after. but the atroma always has to mess everything up. ]

[She actually feels a little better as he leans on her. More useful.] How about the one where we just hold each other until we want food?

I guess I can do that.

[ he kind of wishes, not for the first time, that he could find someone to really help him, because he's sure it would be nice to be able to tell her some of the things going through his mind, she'd be able to put at least some of his fears to rest - she's done it before. alas. ]

[Well, she definitely wouldn't suggest Charles for that anymore. She won't be going back to him for that herself. She'll just do her best with the resources she has and do her best for Winn too. Just like she knows he always does for her.]

We could also talk about anything. [This or anything but this.]

[ charles was never really an option for him. even if he'd put aside his fear of having someone in his head, it seems counterproductive to deal with his inability to talk by letting someone figure everything out without him needing to say a word. ]

Anything, huh? [ she gets half a smile. ] How about those Cubs?

[As it turns out words are said with Charles. Sometimes they are just the wrong words.]

Always winning in my heart. [But actually always losing at least during the vague time period she's from.]

[ he was way too uncomfortable with the guy to open up to him even before he disappointed kitty. the atroma needs to kidnap more psychologists. ]

That's the only victory I care about.

[ he smiles a little more genuinely this time. they both know his feelings about sports: he doesn't have any. ]

[She nuzzles against him.] You know I love you a lot, right?

[ his runs his fingers through her hair quietly. it's always nice to hear, ad he does know, but it's hard when he's not particularly fond of himself at the moment. ]

I love you too.

You better.

I'm still really proud of you for today.

For what, I messed up.

[ he couldn't even make it through a full 20 minutes, when sascha really needed them. but it just felt like if he kept standing them he was gonna end up having to agree to let sascha sleep over or something and that is just out of the question no matter how bad he feels for him. ]

For trying. [Rubbing his back.]

I don't think 'A for effort' counts in this type of situation.

[ when people are this vulnerable, you have to succeed. ]

Why not?

Because it's not like I'm failing at a science fair - this is - trying to make the people I care about feel better and ending up hurting them.

[ there's a very clear note of frustration in his voice now. ]

You were getting hurt and you're just as important. You weren't looking to hurt anyone. You were just trying to keep yourself together. I'm okay and Sascha is going to be okay.

[ he's just going to go ahead and skip the part about him being just as important (even though her understanding what was happening means the world to him, he's just so unhappy with the fact that it happened). ]

How do you know, it's not like he'd tell us if he isn't.

[ in this way - he and sascha are kind of the same, except sascha doesn't have those bitter, sulky cues winn does. they'd both tell her what they think she wants to hear to feel better. ]

[She looks thoughtful at that.] Because he's very old and he is still putting himself out there with people. He's a lot stronger than he seems.

He's been lonely for all those years, he'd put up with any behavior just to have some company.

[ the only way it could be more obvious he's speaking from experience is if one of the ships decided to fly-by and space write it. he put up with a lot of indignant and even hurtful behaviors just to get to stay close to the people he loves. he's only recently started to stand up for himself, and each time he has has been wrought with misery and fear that this would be it, that because he couldn't put up silently with this one thing, he's going to be friendless and alone again. ]

[Yeah, she's getting that.] What would you want if you were him right now?

[ he pauses to ponder that and shakes his head. ]

I don't know.

[ because like sascha, he also puts everyone else first, so he'd care more about his own well being if he were sascha right now. he'd want him to do what he needs to do to feel better and come back to sascha-him. ]

[She has a feeling that's what he's thinking honestly.] You need to be able to make this right with you first and you can only push it so far before it's too much. Things will fall into place after that and Sascha has other friends too.

But he doesn't go see them because he's trying to make me feel more comfortable.

[ and he has no words for how guilty that makes him feel. ]

Wanda threw him into a wall so that's part of it. I think Sam might have gotten rough with him too.

He did?

[ that feels like a personal betrayal to him. sure, he only spoke to sam that one time, but he thought they understood each other! ]