driftfleet | Windrose Mingle

[ unfortunately, he would judge himself. especially on a night where she joked about him taking her name, he's already judging himself.

more than anything, he wants to be able to tell her you'll never have to. stupid atroma. stupid augment. stupid uncertainty, it's really harshing his romantic buzz.

so instead of all of it, he kisses her forehead and holds her close. ]

[She doesn't realize he's still upset about the name comment. She really needs to learn how deeply and how long he holds on to things. Then again in some ways it's a mercy that she doesn't. It's hard enough dealing with your own pains than trying to take on someone else's to the same extent they do. She explained. She tries to show him every day how much she loves and respects him. Maybe that has to be enough sometimes. But if she did know of course she'd try harder. How could she not for him?

Of course, it would be nice to not set those feelings off in him in the first place. Is it so hard to look past the puns to the part where his name also represents family to him? And it wouldn't be the first time he was sensitive about his masculinity either. Just because she never questions it doesn't mean he doesn't.]

I'll even let you pick the toppings on your pizza. [You know, the pizza she'll cook for him in her digital oven that's still too big to carry.]

[ she comes with her baggage and he comes with his. sometimes, unwittingly, they'll set each other off. he doesn't think every time it happens needs to be talked about, sometimes it's needed to just recognize that something upsets you but it'll make no sense to anyone else and deal with it on your own - he doesn't want her to think he's petty or pathetic, he wants her to see his best self. and sometimes, sometimes you don't even realize how deeply something bothers you, how many buttons it pushes until you talk about it.

this is one of those, but he's not about to find out because he has no intention of talking about it. ]

So kind.

[She nuzzles in, feeling warm and loved. She hopes and for the moment she trusts that he feels the same way. It's not the only thing going on for her right now. There is still the fear of losing more people and the ache of the ones she already lost. There are idle ideas of more things she needs to do to be ready for Thanksgiving. But for the most part she is focusing on the good in the here and now. It's how she gets from one moment to the next.]

I do my best. [Kissing skin softly where she can find it.]

Always.

[ once upon a time, winn wouldn't usually bother with much more than a pair of boxers and, at times, a t-shirt for bed. now, however, there's a lot less exposed skin for her to play with, and not just because he went out into the hall (though he'd definitely dress for that, the last thing he needs is to get caught out in his underwear by wrath). terrible eating and sleeping habits and a lack of sunshine as he's spent most of his time on the last planet still aboard the tourist are taking their toll. he does shift, though, to allow her easier access, and sighs contently. everything else isn't gone, but her kisses are the best distractions. ]

One of the many things I love about you.

[No wonder she worries, right? Hard to miss the way his body changes and the way he behaves toward it changes too.]

Ooh, it sounds like there is a list about how great I am. Best kind of list. [Lightly teasing as she snuggles against him, touching and kissing affectionately more so than trying to get anything started.]

[ when the change is gradual, it's hard to see. but if he ever stopped to think about what he used to be like and where he is now -- he'd be worried too. in some ways, his body is in the best shape of his life - he's working out regularly for the first time - in others? it's falling apart. ]

Mmhmm. Longest kind, too.

[ he's good with the affectionate touching; he's a little too troubled to get in the mood, even though they've been saying some seriously amazing things to each other tonight. ]

Hey...is there anything else you're scared to bring up? [ it suddenly hits, and he decides to take a leaf out of her playbook and just ask. he's had to sit on secrets from her, keep the fact that he was going to find some way to bring her home with him no matter what secret, and it sucked. she, apparently, has been sitting on wanting to marry him. he doesn't want to keep doing this to her. ]

Mm, like answering this question?

[She smiles at him lightly before looking more thoughtful. Eyes dropping from his down to his much more reassuring chin.] Mmm...yeah, sometimes.

Things that I worry you won't react well to or that I'm afraid will push you away. [So, not just one topic.]

[ he strokes her cheek with his thumb, keeping his own eyes on hers. ]

Kitty, a Kryptonian army couldn't push me away from you. Well, ok physically it'd be like super easy but you get the metaphor.

[ he's hers.

his voice turns so quiet that hearing him requires effort. ]

I don't want to scare you.

[ she's not the only one who has hangups about being feared. yeah, he was the target of bullying and harassment, but a lot of it wasn't because kids thought he was 'weird' or a 'dork'. the word that got thrown in his face was 'monster', and monsters are hated because they're feared.

he's spent so much of his life afraid of himself. and yeah, it's not the same, he knows it's not the same - he's afraid to tell her stuff too! but when has he ever let himself get away with anything he would cut literally anyone else all of the slack about? ]

[She looks back up to meet his eyes at those whispered words.]

Oh, Winn.

I'm scared of me. Of hurting you more than I already see you hurting. Or of doing the wrong things and losing everything again. [She blames herself for so much of not being able to make things work with Reid even though he's the one who stopped trying. In the end it was both of them and the circumstances that were beyond them both, but she hasn't forgiven herself for her part in it even though she absolutely feels like she's in a much better relationship now with Winn. She also wonders if there is more she could or should have done or not done with Piotr that might have led to a different ending for them. It's not that she wants these relationships back. She doesn't. But she's afraid of being losing the one she loves again.]

[ he sighs, because he gets it. he does. it's the same reason he finds it so hard to talk to her sometimes - because he doesn't want to weigh her down any more, she's already been through so much in her life. even now, he can't help but feel small and weak and pathetic at her acknowledging his pain, because to him it feels like nothing in comparison to what she's been through and that's a very frustrating way to feel. he doesn't want to keep bottling everything up and end up resenting her for it, it's not fair and it's not logical and it's not right. that's what he has to work on.

and it's what she has to work on too.

he tangles his fingers in her hair, and takes a moment to think. ]

We can't tip toe around each other forever. You're gonna hurt me and I'm gonna hurt you and we need to be brave and accept that or we'll both end up hurt worse.

[ he doesn't like it any more than she does, but they can't talk about marriage and children if they can't deal with having disagreements or getting angry or even just relaxing and being themselves at the cost of sometimes unwittingly crossing a line or stepping on a sore spot. in the long run, these things can strengthen their relationship, teach them more about each other, and help them find a middle ground on their dividing issues. ]

[For the most part she does open up to him. Even when she is scared to do so. The things she holds back on tend to be things she's voiced before like about jealousy—hers or his, children which fed into her reluctance to talk about marriage, and his well being which she does ask about but not nearly as often as she thinks about it. And she usually stops asking about it before it feels like he's given her an honest, complete answer.

Like so often the thing he's saying right now sounds practically perfect to her. She'd like to embrace it. To trust in them and be open and honest. But...she doesn't want to do it alone. She doesn't want to be the one saying the potentially upsetting things while he's quiet until he thinks of the perfect reply and bottles the rest up.]

Do you mean that? The "we?" You want to tell me more?

[ this is it, isn't it? do or die. ]

I always want to. It's just not easy for me, you've been through so much, and I've been taught to shut up and be grateful for what I got.

[ and he is grateful, but he's also struggling because his life is light years from easy or simple or all good. ]

[She reaches up to gently brush her fingers across his cheek.] You've been through a lot too. You don't need society collapsing for your world to fall apart. With all the devastation around me the thing that was hardest was losing my parents and having to go on without them. We're not that different.

[ he smiles a little, the kind of smile that has nothing to do with cheer. ]

I hate them. I miss them. I hate that I miss them.

Of course you do. [Absolutely no judgment. She understands.]

I know my dad doesn't regret what he's done [ he regrets having lost him, but he blames that on his victim too. ] but I wonder sometimes, if my mom ever does. [ does she miss him, does she think about him, does she want to find him, but is too scared to reach out after all this time? and if she does, is she right to be afraid?

why is he talking about his parents right now? he's not sure but she wants him to share and she started with the topic and he's just rolling with it because he has a lot of unresolved feelings there, feelings that may seem obvious, but he's never gotten to express. ]

[She'll take any opening up she can get.] Have you ever thought about looking for her? [Not sure if it's a good or terrible idea. No solid opinion of whether he should or shouldn't. Just curious if he has thought about it or even done it.]

Of course, [ who wouldn't think about it from time to time? ] but. I get enough rejection without going looking for it.

[ heck, he's not even sure he won't reject her if she reached out first. she left him. just up and left him when he was 11 years old and needed her most. and yeah, it couldn't have been easy on her either, but he's her son, and he was 11 years old and she didn't even make sure he was taken care of, left with friends, nothing. ]

[She pulls him closer. No rejection here.] It would be big. You could always look her up just to yell at her. Or not. Whatever you think is best for you. I'm not sure she deserves back in your life. [She's the one missing out in Kitty's mind.]

[ it's hard to shake his head when she holds him so close but it's a price he's more than willing to pay for feeling warm and secure. ]

I don't wanna do that. Neither of them cared about anyone else or took any responsibility for their actions, I don't wanna be like them. [ maybe there's more about his parents' life he didn't know. maybe his mother is mentally ill too (isn't that a cheerful thought), maybe she was scared of his father, scared that he'd come after her for some reason and thought he'd be safer without her. he's made up a million excuses for her in his head, and he doesn't think any of them are likelier than she was weak and selfish and just took off but looking her up just to yell that in her face - as satisfying as that may be - doesn't feel any less weak or selfish to him. he's made something of himself, he's got a life, sort of. she probably has one too. they've moved on. back home, he doesn't think about her nearly so much. ]

And I don't know if I want her back, whoever she is. [ the mother he knew loved him more than anything, so clearly - he didn't know her that well. ]

You're not like them. Not in the ways that really count. [He probably has some of their features, maybe a habit or expression. It's hard not to have any piece of someone who raised you even eleven years. But he doesn't kill. He doesn't abandon. She brings her hand to rest over his heart. His good heart.] But you still worry that you are, don't you?

It's my biggest fear. [ he smiles a little but again, it doesn't reach his eyes. ] Cliche, I know.

[ he's scared of turning into either of his parents. but not because they're uptight, or boring, or don't get it - but because they make some horrifying choices. ]

[There have been times when she's talked to him about the things she's done in the past and while he wasn't dismissive, he was quick to reassure her and write them off as things she had to do in the moment and while he wasn't wrong about that and it did help. But it also worried her that he was not really taking them in fully and considering all of it. Accepting all of her—the good and the bad. Or thinking about how it is an ongoing struggle to uncross some lines.

So while she does believe he's not like his parents and that he'll make better decisions she doesn't want that to be the end of the conversation either. She wants to understand and help more if she can.]

Only cliche because it's so understandable. When does it worry you the most?

When I catch myself doing it. Like when I get angry or frustrated and don't tell anyone about it, don't stick up for myself, just like my dad.

[ he has so many reasons to hate that trait of his, and yet it's still so hard to break. it just frustrates him more. ]

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