driftfleet | Jan 3rd

[Mikleo's eyes widen gradually as Sorey reacts to his words, stunned and struck speechless. He'd expected- well, not that. Something else. More tears, or denial, maybe, some crazy martyr's insistence that he couldn't be forgiven for whatever stupid reason he might concoct due to the guilt he's been feeling. Joy would've been better, a sign that he'd done the right thing, that Sorey might feel relief or even happiness that it's okay, that he's not angry.

This... he hadn't expected this, at all, and he doesn't know how to take it.

I don't want it.]

Stop- stop it-

[The words are out before he can even think about them, leaning back, one hand lifting to press against Sorey's forehead, fingers trying to cover his eyes. Cover what he sees. He feels half-panicked, scrambling for solid ground again, for some semblance of familiarity, for how they were before. Anything but that, that look-]

Stop looking at me like that...!

[Maybe that was the wrong thing to say, after all. Sorey's looking at him the way Alisha used to, the way the humans unfamiliar with witnessing the power of a seraph would stare in awe and wonder. Sorey's looking at him the way he does with Lailah sometimes, a pillar of age and wisdom and guidance and it's wrong, it's all wrong. Sorey's not supposed to see him like that. Sorey's supposed to laugh and tease him, elbow him and tickle him and call him Meebo just to get him angry, Sorey's supposed to see him as a friend and an equal and not anything higher, anything more.

I don't want it.

I don't want this to change!

Panic gives way to anger, and he finally shoves Sorey off and stands up, fists clenched at his sides.]

Can't you just say 'thank you', you idiot!?

Mik- [Hands go over his eyes and then Mikleo shoves him off, and for a moment Sorey feels a stab of hurt and rejection so sharp that he just wants to get up and run.

Then he gets a good look at Mikleo's face and it clicks, that he's embarrassed, that Sorey asking him like that is the same thing as whenever Sorey tries to compliment him or talk him up, or tell him he's lovely and he gets all pissed off and avoids it by calling Sorey biased or some other such nonsense.

He never gets it. This has always been a point of contention between them, both back home and here, the differences between humans and seraphim of which Sorey is becoming ever more aware. Sorey always let it go before but enough, it's enough, they're never going to understand each other if they don't talk about it. Or argue, which is probably what's going to happen judging by the look on Mikleo's face.

So he stands up too, straightening out the gift Mikleo made him.] No, I can't! [He wipes his nose angrily, a little irritated that he's still on the tail end of a crying fit.] What's the big idea, why are you upset with me?

Because...!

[Mikleo gestures, frustrated, as if that alone would ever be enough to clear the air. How does he explain this, when he doesn't even understand why Sorey would show him a face like that, why he would ever be able to revere or admire his family as they're some otherworldly beings? They're different, they have powers, sure, and some people worship what they don't understand, but not Sorey of all people...]

You're looking at me like it's some great, amazing thing, that I can forgive you. Like it's unnatural, when it isn't that at all! If our roles were reversed, if I'd been the one to corrupt you, wouldn't you do the same for me!?

Yeah obviously, of course I would, but I wouldn't tell you how you're supposed to feel about it! [YA DICK]

You might if I was being ridiculous!

[SHUT UP YOU'RE DUMB]

It's fine to be happy, even grateful, but don't start putting me on a pedestal for something as simple as not hating you!

[Sorey clenches his fists tight. Ridiculous. Mikleo thinks he's being ridiculous? He thinks that Sorey being overwhelmed by Mikleo forgiving him for turning him into a monster, and getting him killed, he thinks that's ridiculous?]

It's not simple! It's not even close to simple! You- everybody even, all of you guys, all of you keep forgiving me for what I did so easily! Do you think I don't know why?

Why, then? Why do you think we're doing this, Sorey!?

[Because he's pretty sure Sorey's idea of why and their actual motives are very different.]

Because I'm a human being!

[It bursts out of Sorey's mouth, his chest, like the feeling had struggled free and ripped away from his clutches. His jaw clicks shut immediately after he says it, fists shaking at his sides. The surge of emotion from his apology, from Mikleo's acceptance and then rejection, all of it wells back up into an ugly tangled mess that Sorey has to pull apart, has to examine, no matter how badly he doesn't want to. He has to do it, for everyone's safety, for his own and he hates it.]

Because- because you all expect it. Zavied, Lailah- they've said as much. Dezel hasn't said it but it's obvious, because it always happens, all humans have done for hundreds of years is just hurt seraphim-

Idiot!

[Mikleo can't hold it in, a lightning-quick rejection of every word. He'd known Sorey was wrong, but that- that's too far. It's too horrible, toeing the line of self-loathing that he can't bear to see in someone he treasures. It's frightening.]

You say that like humans are the only ones who fall and do terrible things, or the only ones who screw up. It isn't true at all! Before he joined our group, Zaveid killed hellions! Edna hates humans who don't know any better! Lailah can't talk about it, but she's made mistakes with her previous Shepherds, too! And that's not even getting into what Dezel did to Rose for years! And I--

[He hesitates, because this- this is hard. It's been building for a long time now, since they left Elysia, since they left Glenwood, since that awful planet where the poison in the water let slip the poison in his mind while they were armatized. While he couldn't hide it.

Maybe that's where this all started. Maybe he should have acknowledged it then.

Steeling himself, he closes his eyes, shoulders hunching.]

...I... I let what everyone said back home get to me, even though I knew it hurt you. I'm no better than Gramps when it comes to judging other humans.

[Sorey lets Mikleo say his peace, he listens but it's plain as day by the look on his face that Sorey doesn't believe him.

Why would he? There are some humans, maybe even many of them, most of them, who want nothing more than the peaceful coexistence of their races; Sorey doesn't doubt that in the slightest. Those who lust for war and upset, they're the aberrations, but a person doesn't have to be an aberration to hurt and destroy the things they hold dear. Isn't Sorey evidence enough of that?

It's not that humans are inherently bad. And that's not what Gramps had said back home either; Sorey hadn't realized it, and maybe neither had Mikleo, truly. Gramps never called humans bad. He'd called them dangerous.]

Gramps was right.

[Humans, whether they mean to be or not, are dangerous. Humans make malevolence, not seraphim; humans are the one with the impure hearts. Human turmoil churns up the darkness in the world, wars breed hellions, which prey on seraphim and humans alike. Sorey isn't fool enough to believe something radical, like the eradication of humans would be better off; everybody alive deserves to live, but to ignore the dangers humans present is just as Gramps said. Foolish and naive.]

I'm not saying humans are terrible or malicious by nature, and I'm not saying that seraphim are perfect pure beings. But humans- we're dangerous, Mikleo. We're prideful, and short-sighted, and easily swayed. I'm not going to be a proper Shepherd if I refuse to understand that.

[Mikleo's fists tighten, his jaw sore for how tightly he's clenching it. He hates that he doesn't have a particular good argument for that- Sorey's words are rational, and it sounds like a fair expectation. But it doesn't really measure up with the look he'd seen on Sorey's face mere moments ago. He may not be saying what he thinks of seraphim, but...]

...That still... isn't why.

[He finally straightens up, meeting Sorey's eyes, as stubborn and fierce as he'll ever be. He won't back down on this. Sorey can argue about the nature of humans or seraphim until his ears bleed but he will never convince Mikleo that the choice he's made has anything to do with what he is.]

I- all of us- we've forgiven you because it's you! Not because you're human, or that we're seraphim, or that we expect it because of both of those things! It's because you mean more to us than anything you've ever done or could do! We're your family!

[That look, his stance, Sorey knows it as well as he knows the sound of his own voice in his ears. Mikleo doesn't have a rebuttal for that. Not that Sorey expected one; he's been thinking about this, really going over it.

But, Mikleo's right about this, too.]

I know, [Sorey says softly, gaze slipping down from Mikleo's face to his collar.] And you are. Everybody, Mikleo- you are. [He looks back up, squaring his shoulders.] So, I'm sorry you hate it, but...but I'm allowed to admire you. I can admire you for forgiving me of something I can't forgive myself of. I'm not going to be ashamed of that.

[Mikleo stares him down for a few moments longer, until finally the anger just drains out of him, replaced by that same unease. His gaze drops to the floor, his voice hesitant, half-afraid to hear more.]

...Do you see us differently, then? Me?

[He's not sure he can stand that- for what happened to change how things are so irrevocably, for Sorey to see them the way that regular humans might. For them to be anything more, something ethereal and out of reach. In so many ways since his return they've gotten closer, but...]

Mikleo... [This is uncomfortable. This strays into those quiet moments of strangled longing, maybe even jealousy. Sorey has always admired Mikleo ever since they were babies; not just as his friend because Mikleo is smart, is kind, is artistic, but because Mikleo can wave his hands and make water and ice and snow. His whole family can do that.

He never hated himself for not being able to do that, for being unable to truly understand the song of the wind or the thrum of the earth, and he's never spent a day lonely, but...]

...c'mon, [he leans back against the desk, looking down at his hands in his lap.] I don't have to be a seraph to be family, right?

[That's probably answer enough.]

Edited 2017-01-26 20:07 (UTC)

[...That isn't a no.

Mikleo sits back down on the bed, unable or simply unwilling to look up again. He does, doesn't he? His perspective has changed, seeing seraphim and humans in a different light, now that he's experienced the worst of them. Now that he's been the worst of them. What the hell is he supposed to say to this?]

...You've been family the whole time. You don't need me to tell you that.

[It feels like such a weak answer, a default response to Sorey's distraction from the real problem, but he doesn't know what else to do. Is there any way to change his mind? Mikleo's wracking his brain but he just wants to reject the very idea of it, that Sorey might think less of himself for something he can't even help.

Dangerous. Dangerous, like they're an inherent burden on the world just by existing. Every cold and cautious thought he'd ever had about humans outside of Elysia, all the warnings that Gramps used to pass along to the both of them, every criticism... he can't stop thinking about it. For years they'd heard it, and he'd only ever defended Sorey, not humans themselves. How must that have felt?]

[It's like something inside of him has slipped out of place. He knows he's not the only one who feels it either; Mikleo sits back down too heavy, head down and staring down at his his feet. The air between them thickens with something heavy, something that- that Sorey's never felt between them before. A yawning distance that's suddenly opened up and Sorey wonders, if by telling Mikleo the truth (or not denying it, at least) if he's the one who's opened it.]

Mikleo? [he asks worriedly, fidgeting with his fingers, rubbing over his nails.]

[Mikleo struggles with it for a long moment, not looking up and not answering Sorey. He can hear the unease in the way his name is spoken, and he can't really blame Sorey for feeling that way. Here he is, opening up, and Mikleo doesn't want to accept it the way Sorey wants. Or perhaps the way he needs.

It just doesn't feel right to him. Agreeing with it, smiling placidly and letting it be- he'd be dishonest to do that. It won't help either of them if he's the one lying about how he feels, instead.]

Hey, Sorey... remember, in that one iris gem we found... the Earthen Historia showed us how Symonne manipulated humans over the years? Even without resonance, they were able to hear the will of Heldalf and become corrupted through her. A lot of people must've suffered or died because of it.

[He doesn't wait for Sorey to answer, continuing onwards while the words are still cooperating with him.]

And Uno, Rohan, Morgrim, Forsea, Alken... they were ashamed of what happened to them, every one of them. They never blamed humans for their becoming hellions- only their own weakness. Even if the malevolence in the world played a part, they would know themselves better than we did. I'm sure they had their reasons.

[He should've paid more attention back then- to their words, their mistakes, the lessons taken away from the fates they'd met and been saved from. Remembering it now is humbling, and he's grateful. He's felt that shame now and he understands it better than he ever could back then.]

And... then there's Eizen. To have made Zaveid promise to kill him like that... he must've known he was changing. What we never learned is why. How was he corrupted? Wasn't there anyone who could help him? Why'd he put it all on Zaveid's shoulders like that? How many people did he kill?

[These days he wonders, sometimes, what Eizen was like before he changed. He never used to think much of it- Zaveid never liked to bring it up, and he always felt badly for upsetting Edna no matter how much she teased him the rest of the time, so it isn't something he could really ask about. Did he suffer, trapped in that body? Was he ever aware of what he was doing? Was there a time in the early days where he'd listen to Edna's voice, the way Mikleo himself had listened to Sorey? Would he, over time, have lost that instinctive recognition of the one he loved the way Eizen had, if he hadn't died so early in his transformation? Would he have tried to--

...That... is probably a road he shouldn't walk down. He shakes it off and slowly, finally, he lifts his head, focusing cautiously on Sorey again.]

You get what I'm saying, right?

I know, I do, [Sorey explains hurriedly, because he does. He'd understood at the first mention of Symonne, at Uno, Rohan; Mikleo doesn't have to explain it. It wasn't as if Sorey was saying that seraphim are above humans, like their rulers or something. It's natural for people to admire those who can do what they can't, so it's natural for Sorey to admire seraphim. After all he's been in awe of them for years, even through all the familiarity, even while befriending them, fighting them, rescuing and being rescued by them. It's a collaborative effort, purifying the world, but while even the humans he admires have taken steps only for the sake of their own societies, seraphim have always had the entire world in their best interests.

Isn't that because their scope is greater? Sorey can't go one conversation with Lailah without saying something that hurts her feelings, but that must be because he simply doesn't understand like she does. Right?]

Seraphim aren't perfect beings. But worshiping seraphim- it's a mutually beneficial system. It's coexistence. [And Sorey had heard that implication too, at the mention of Eizen.

I'm not perfect.

Mikleo had become a dragon, and it doesn't take a spiritual connection to know he carries a lot of darkness around with him because of it. He'd even started collecting malevolence over his denial, over trying to tell himself he's okay. Maybe...maybe Sorey shouldn't have brought this up like this. Mikleo is still struggling with so much, and Sorey just dumped this onto his head without a single concern as to whether or not Mikleo's even ready for it.]

We wanted coexistence. Didn't we?

We did. We do. But that...

[Mikleo frowns tightly, brows furrowing. Sorey's words - his particular phrasing - reminds him of something else he'd forgotten.]

Back when Morgrim agreed to bless Pendrago again, something she said stuck with me. She said it doesn't really help anyone if she just exchanges the prayers of humans for her blessing. And we've seen the downside of that, with seraphim who've tried before- the humans take the protector seraph for granted, and the seraph resents the humans for forgetting their sacrifice. With no way to communicate, no equality between the two, it all falls apart. The way things stand, seraphim are just merchants selling blessings instead of goods.

Morgrim said the seraphim need to reconsider their roles. I think she meant... to truly coexist, we have to be more aware and proactive in maintaining more than just the blessing. It isn't just give and take, but... finding a level ground, mutual understanding between the two... that's what's been missing the whole time.

[Even as he says it, it comes together in his mind, like that final puzzle piece snapping into place, the last switch pulled to open a door. His eyes widen, fingers tightening in the bedsheets.]

Sorey, what you're suggesting isn't coexistence... it's co-dependence. It isn't the same thing.

[Not the same thing...?

Sorey knows it, of course, obviously. The definitions are different, but...]

Mikleo- ...we'd been spending weeks searching for seraphim to return blessings to places. Are you saying we've been going about it the wrong way?

[Because that's what he's getting. And he knows Morgrim is wise, a seraph her age can't be anything but, but to say that seraphim worship is co-dependence strikes Sorey as unbearably condescending, to both humans and seraphim.]

Not the wrong way, exactly, no... if we weren't following the right path, Lailah would have said something. But I don't think it's enough. If that's all it took for humans and seraphim to fully coexist, then they'd have done it ages before we got involved. Instead the two are further apart than ever, and all we're doing is restoring what we've been told is the norm.

[A part of that broken relationship is due to the Lord of Calamity, sure, and the state of the world itself, but it hasn't been this bad for that long, as far as they know. On the other hand, the gap between humans and seraphim has existed for hundreds of years. Resonance is so rare that even devout, uncorrupted churchgoers can't perceive a seraph right in front of them. A Shepherd can only do so much- they need more people to get involved and communicating, both humans and seraphim alike.

He hesitates again, now, because... well, it's another thing they haven't talked about. He hasn't brought up Sorey's messages since the day he'd come back, as they'd felt like too much of a sensitive topic - the same could be said of the messages he'd left. Even so, it's too important to ignore.]

Sorey, you've said before... the relationship the two of us have, how close we are- that's the ideal you're going for. That you want more people to experience this. Is that still true?

Of course. [That requires no consideration. The closeness he and Mikleo share is something he wants for every human being, for both their species. And what Mikleo's saying has truth to it; merely restoring blessings isn't enough, but you can't breed resonance into people overnight.]

But coexistence has happened before. There's evidence of it everywhere- in ruins, in the trial shrines, with seraphic artes and the like. And there are documents detailing how humans used to worship seraphim that predate the Age of Chaos. I don't think it's right to throw all of that aside because you're worried about people taking it too far.

I mean- I pray to that shrine, Mikleo, every day. Does that make you uncomfortable?

[That one, at least, Mikleo doesn't need to think about. He's never been subtle about how he feels about the shrine, or his part in it. He'd helped to make it, of course, and it had been a fun project- it's even been a source of some comfort to him sometimes, when he'd opted to visit the religious center. But more than once he's questioned his role in the relics left there.

And there's a reason why, despite his early objections, he'd not-so-subtly put that stupid snowglobe back. Turns out it'd been much easier to accept it when Sorey praying by an object that represented him was a joke rather than something genuine.]

That depends. Are you praying for us, or to us?

For- well. [Sorey tilts his head back, bouncing back against the desk. This is still...painful, a little bit- no, just uncomfortable, but it's Mikleo. Whenever they argue or disagree, it's for the purpose of bettering their understanding of the subject. If he just thinks of it like that, like they're squabbling over a translation quirk instead of peeling each other apart to see into their hearts the hard way, it's a little easier to stomach.] I use it to pray for everybody, but for people who aren't here, [Edna] it's more like I'm praying to them to...try to talk? Not asking for blessings or anything like that. I just want to think my voice can still be heard somehow.

[Mikleo's shoulders drop again- but this time it's because he's more relaxed, rather than upset or disappointed. This... this is progress. This is more familiar territory, and what he's looking for.]

Sorey... that's the difference. That's what I'm talking about. Wouldn't it be better if prayers to the seraphim were conversations, rather than just humans asking for things and worshipping one-sidedly? When so many of them avoid using the chapels as their vessels, where people would naturally go to petition for good health or forgiveness... What do you think seraphim would appreciate more?

Jan 3rd - Broadcast

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