driftfleet | Iskaulit mingle

[ Friends. Charles doesn't have many. The few he has in the Fleet were still more than he had ever been accustomed to. And even then it had been a slow process, fraught with Charles' own indecisiveness and fear for other people. The lesson he learned in Cuba was perhaps learned too well. He treats them all with a fragility he can't fully cease. ]

My hope came somewhere else. But I see what you mean.

So where's yours from?

[ his guess would be his students, but he doesn't really know charles well enough to guess. asking, that's a good way to start to actually get to know each other. ]

[ He rubs his chin thoughtfully. ]

The school, I suppose. I saw a vision of it in the future. All it could be. Even in the midst of . . . [ Charles trails off, reluctant to get into the future of Sentinels and death. ]

Honestly, they've already surpassed me. And they probably will. Knowing that keeps the hope alive.

[ he nods; meaningful work also really helps. he's felt it since he started helping kara out with being supergirl, but it didn't really hit him until she woke up with more memories from home and told him he traded his meaningless job in it for becoming a real deo agent, someone who dedicates his life to making the world a safer place. he didn't realize how much he wanted that until she told him he got it. ]

It sounds pretty amazing.

It is amazing. The Vietnam War . . . it crushed the school. The fact that it came back stronger than ever is still a miracle.

[ It crushed me, though Charles wonders if the war simply was the final push over the edge as he kept his own pain at bay. It had been too much. ]

It's better than a miracle. [ he doesn't believe in those ] It's - human-mutant nature. [ they really need to figure out how to update the language to account for mutants, meta-humans, aliens, and everyone else. it's getting hard not to offend anyone. ]

If something's really good, really reaches people, it'll endure.

It certainly seems to endure multiple dimensions.

[ Well. Arguably. ]

And that says a lot. Think about it - in an infinite multiverse full of infinite possibilities, over and over again people come together under the same name to serve the same cause. That's pretty freaking awesome.

[ It is but Charles would be more pleased if it wasn't his name and his school. It still makes him feel . . . self-conscious. Like there is some idealized version that he hasn't quite attained. ]

I suppose? I hardly dislike it, but it can be a bit unnerving at times.

[ unnerving he gets. cisco, hank, and he joke a lot that they're basically the same, but if they're the same, then he's definitely the lamest version. cisco and hank have powers, he's the only one without them. cisco and hank are accomplished scientists who were working to advance mankind before they joined up with a superteam, last time he was home he was an IT guy who covers phones when his best friend saves the world. he definitely developed an inferiority complex there. ]

They're good guys, that's comforting. [ he's still terrified of having an evil twin. ]

Good guys.

[ It sounds strange on his tongue. Good and evil are not concepts mutants get to have a lot of leeway in. It's not simple ]

That's an unusual way of putting it, but I suppose it's not wrong.

Unusual's where I shine.

[ he's just determined to stay positive this time, one way or another he's going to have a conversation with charles that doesn't turn to crap. ]

No doubts there. But it wouldn't be the word I'd use.

[ He smiles though. ]

They have earned it there. I'm not much of an X-Men anymore. Just a professor.

You know, I've had it up to whatever constitutes as high in a directionless environment with people doing amazing things and belitteling them with a just. "I'm not useful here, I just saved your life" [ kara ] "I'm not a hero, I just save the world" [ pretty much half his friends ] "I'm not an X-Men I'm just a professor who put together a safe space for people who really need it and inspired them to become superheros." Well I'm just going to team up with a communications officer and find a way to auto correct that stupid word on everyone's comms to OMG I'M AWESEOME. All caps.

[ he's just an IT guy. if you people are justs, what does it make him? a waste of space? ]

[ Charles blinks, taken aback. ]

I don't think it's about . . . belittling. Or at least talking down on ourselves. Though I can't deny I do that.

[ He presses his palms against his legs. ]

I think there's a certain, justifiable fear when it comes with titles. Good. Evil. Heroes and villains. They become traps. We think because we are right or we do good things that we're above it. Which is why it might be a common trend to stay humble. It's not as noble as a fight most people do to, especially those without powers.

Wrath had no powers. There was nothing just about her. Or you. None of the people I meet are just . . . reaffirmations of the path I've taken.

They're strong people.

[ His smile is rueful. ] And they inspire me. More than any of the heroes here do.

You know there's a lot of shades of grey between giving yourself no credit and narcissism. Believing in yourself doesn't mean you can't second guess or admit when you're wrong. But if you don't believe in yourself, in your path, in your vision of goodness, then what makes it worth fighting for?

Always doing the right thing isn't what makes a hero, if that were true there would be none. It's always caring about doing the right thing, trying their hardest, believing that there's a way to set things right and giving it their all even when it seems hopeless - that makes a hero. To paraphrase - heroism isn't the absence of flaws, it's persevering despite them, rising above them, to make the world a better place. And maybe my definition of better is someone else's definition of worse, maybe to them my heroes are their villains. Does that mean I should doubt my convictions, my perceptions of right and wrong? There are some things you have to be sure of in order to make any sort of difference in the world. You have to believe that what you're doing is good, or else why do it?

Of course Wrath isn't just. Neither is Kate, or Jim, or I could be here all day listing names. It's the heart that makes a hero, not the powers.

Of course. And it's not my convictions that have faltered or the path that I've taken.

[ He had stumbled, of course. The loss of his legs, the loss of his family was a blow. But Charles didn't regret any of it. He shakes his head. Belief was a complicated topic for him right now, but in his school, none of that has changed. Save that now there are X-Men.

Instead he raises an eyebrow in bemusement, since Winn is clearly passionate about the subject. ]

I noticed you left yourself out. Comm officers who auto correct messages to reflect a person?

And that's exactly why you're not just a professor.

[ the smugness lasts maybe half a second because guess it's his turn to be called out. ]

I'm not a hero, if raiders bust in here right now I'm diving under the table. [ he shrugs, always ready to crack a joke at his own expense. kara, kitty, wrath, they've all called him brave on separate occasions. but none of them involved physical risk. he doesn't feel brave. and when shit hits the fan, he still feels like nobody but jim sees him as legitimately helpful. it's hard to believe in himself when at the end of the day it feels like his heroes don't really believe in him. ]

[ He chuckles softly. ]

I don't know. That's certainly a superpower I miss having.

[ Being attacked on the Fleet a few times now does make Charles miss the ability to run away. His otter form is a godsend, but Charles can only use that at the right moment. And he would be equally defenseless. ]

But didn't you say bravery was more than the physical anyway?

[ sorry charles, you get an apologetic look there. see, he's so heroic that he would talk about running away to leave the handicapped guy to fend for himself. (he wouldn't abandon him, not if it came down to it, but since he's never had to exercise that sort of bravery before, he's having trouble believing he has it). ]

Sure, yeah, dig into my words to use them against me, okay, yeah I'm a repairs superhero.

[ actually, he kind of is, having lead or heavily assisted in the repairing of four ships, and offering some level of assistance to many others. ]

Which is certainly something. Hank won't let me touch the VCR anymore.

[ It's not a joke he usually makes (since everyone makes fun of him for that) but Charles is willing to share it this time. ]

Honestly, it's the conviction to act that's heroic, as you said. To believe and uphold those principles. But I know it's easy to say those things to others than to look at yourself and believe the same.

[ that joke earns him a smile. oh god, a vcr, that's hilarious.

it's more than that for winn, though. he remembers too well times he had to be strong armed into those actions - like when kara and alex wanted him to kinda sorta commit treason by hacking the deo, yeah they had to guilt him into that one. he's surrounded by people who seem never to waver when something happens, and he feels like he's always wavering, always afraid. and maybe that's part of why he's so eager to help in the aftermath, or the tranquil times in between - to prove there is some worth to him.

it's a sad memory, now that she's gone, but his talk with wrath after winter's glitch comes to mind. she told him she had the easy job, and it was his that was hard. that he's tough as hell for still going after it all. it had meant so much to him coming from wrath, because she's always so blunt, he trusted her not to bullshit him just to make him feel better, but he never really agreed. her job...he doesn't think he could ever do that.

he's quiet for a long moment, before he realizes he should probably speak. but he has nothing to say, nothing that won't damage the point he was making to charles. so he decides to just accept it, or appear to, if nothing else. he nods. ]

How goes that quote, I give very good advice and very seldom follow it?

"Do as I say, not as I do". Or something along those lines, I believe. There have been many variations.

[ Charles' discussion with Wrath was never finished. He still doesn't know what to think of her assessment of his situation. It's lonely at the top. And it has been, for a long time. He's lonely without his students because they gave him purpose and yet, Charles feels like he's still playing house, hoping that this time, this time maybe they'll want to stay. ]

So time for something new - my place, chess and cards?

[ he does feel like he should get the ex-alcoholic out of the bar. part of that conviction of his. ]

Cards.

[ Charles doesn't think he can stomach the sight of a chess board right now. ]

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