005. video + action.

[astrobleme]

Who: Shinji Ikari and you?!
Broadcast: Fleetwide.
Action: On the Heron. If any of Shinji's crew members want their own costume (see below), feel free to claim one.
When: Right around now.

[network.]

[Where the heck is that music coming from?

Unaware that he's being filmed, Shinji wanders into the cargo bay of the Heron, following the muddled melody that's been plaguing him for a few minutes now. He stops dead in his tracks when he comes across--that. That rather large cardboard box with his name clearly plastered on the side. The music seems to be emanating from inside, on a loop.]

Well, that's not ominous at all, [he says dryly.

There's a large blue card attached to the top, which he steps up to and plucks off. As he reads from it, the messages inside flash across the video feed:]

- Shinji Ikari, you're not being true to yourself.
- There's something you've been hiding from everyone around you.
- But it's all right: we understand, and we want to help you.
- This should allow you get in touch with your inner desires.
- Your new life starts now! And don't forget to bring your friends!
- Brought to you by your sponsor: Made Fur You Incorporated.

[All of the sudden, the cardboard box falls to pieces, revealing a bunch of smaller boxes, each with preview pictures and labels stamped on the front. Kaworu: Arctic Fox Costume tumbles on top of Shinji: Azure Moth Costume, and both of those bounce around Asuka: Brown Cow Costume. There are additional costumes for members of the Heron crew, even.]

Oh, come on. I've been waiting more than a year for a sponsor, and this is what I get?

[Shinji sighs to himself, disappointed, and that's when he notices he's already broadcasting to the Fleet's network. God damn it.]

H-Hey! I don't want any of this stuff! Seriously! How do I send it back?

Comments

[interstices]

[Shinji might as well have painted a target on his back and handed Asuka a bow and arrow. She barely lets him get through his last word before shrilly screaming back--]

I do not have a thing for cows, asshole! I've never even seen one! You're the one they sent this to, pervert!

[astrobleme]

I am not a pervert! I didn't ask for this! I never asked for any of this...!

[The camera's view jerks to the side as Shinji kicks around a few of the boxes, beyond exasperated.]

I'd rather eat a cow than see you dress up as one...

[interstices]

You what?

[astrobleme]

[A long, long sigh.]

I said... I'd rather eat a cow. Hamburger and steaks, you know. You'd probably look really stupid in the costume, so it's just whatever.

[interstices]

[Asuka's normally tenuous grip on logic, coupled with a hair-trigger superiority complex, has just sealed Shinji's doom. Even as she repeats his last words, her face has gone from an interesting shade of red to something closer to purple, and her eyes are bright and flashing.]

It's just whatever, huh? How would you know?!

[astrobleme]

[Every so often, Shinji can feel like he's totally lost control of a conversation with Asuka. This is one of those times. It takes him a couple seconds to reply, and rather dubiously at that.]

Well, it's not like you're going to wear it, so it doesn't matter either way...

[interstices]

That's what you think.

[Be prepared, Shinji. In the next several minutes, she's making her way over.]

[astrobleme]

[...

There's no hiding how incredulous he is right now:]

Don't tell me you want to wear it just to prove you don't look stupid in it.

[Asuka's superiority complex has always been out of control, but this is just a new level entirely, he thinks.]

video --> ac...tion...

[interstices]

You stay right there!

[She doesn't give him a chance to respond and, of course, doesn't answer his question, either-- what she's doing is about to be obvious enough. One shuttle flight later and she's stomped her way onto the cargo bay, scrambling through the boxes to find hers again. She barely even looks at the preview picture-- just her name as she tears the cardboard to absolute shreds-- and Shinji, of course, fingers actually twitching as she pulls apart the box.]

We'll see who looks stupid, you moron!

[astrobleme]

[Shinji has the look of somebody who would rather be anywhere else in the universe right now. He's cradling his brow, exasperated, as he watches Asuka tear open the box in an offended frenzy.] I wasn't trying to say you look stupid, [he protests, as if he can take back those words.] It's just, you know, cow costumes, they're going to look stupid by default, and...

[Holy crap. It really is a cow costume. It offers deep brown fur, a wide bovine nose, even two curved horns on the headpiece. And he feels absolutely feverish with second-hand embarrassment. She isn't going to shove herself into that thing, is she? Is she?]

Come on, Asuka... be reasonable for once...

[interstices]

[Costume in hand, Asuka's fumbling in impotent rage for the zipper, when--]

[This isn't what she thought it would be.]

[Despite all blatant evidence to the contrary, she'd expected stupid. Cows weren't exactly a flattering thing to dress up as. What Asuka had expected to encounter was something like a cow-colored onesie, with a pair of horns and ears decorating a hood. Dumb, but inoffensive. And not above her threshold of humiliation to step into and yank on for all of a minute or two.]

[She'd been half right. Most of it does look like a highly detailed onesie. But there's no hood. No, there's a head, cartoonish and enlarged though it is. There's a muzzle.]

[There's a muzzle on this godforsaken costume. Asuka stares, then shrieks, then throws the entire outfit at Shinji.]

What the hell is this?!?

[astrobleme]

[Asuka is a lot stronger than she looks, that's for sure. The costume collides with Shinji like a freight train, knocking him to the floor, and he ends up with a mouthful of faux fur. He splutters indignantly while wrestling to get the absurd, absurdly heavy thing off of him. One of the horns nearly pokes his freaking eye out, too. Just to add to injury to insult.]

Why are you asking me?! [he yells in return.] I'm not the one who wants you to dress up like a cow! Maybe your weirdo fans do--but not me! No way! [The fully formed cow head clunks down next to him. He looks at it--it's like a character from some shameless kemono anime. The sort of thing Kensuke would have watched. God help them.] Oh man, I can't believe you were going to wear that...

[interstices]

[Asuka's about to yell at him some more-- see how the fans like that-- but the sight of him collapsed on the floor with the costume is enough to tame her own sputtering considerably. Of course, it's only tamed down to laughter.]

Shut up-- [between giggles, as she picks up the head herself and, looking at it, tosses it too easily across the room] It's-- it's-- ridiculous--

[astrobleme]

[Shinji sits up, glaring daggers at Asuka, and then... he covers his mouth and tries to squash his own laughter. Hopeless. Around giggles, he says,] You're the one who's being ridiculous. I don't know what the heck you were thinking.

[He looks over at the rest of the boxes, with their mildly alarming labels.]

Hey, should we see what mine looks like?

[If nothing else, maybe it'll be good for another laugh. Just maybe. Or maybe he'll want to cry. Either way.]

[interstices]

Yours is a moth, right?

[It can't be any more awful than what she's encountered. Or can it? Asuka scrunches up her face as she finds the box and tosses it to him.]

You do the honors. It's your desires.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji's reflexes don't fail him this time: he catches the box easily, then looks at the clearly printed label, smiling at the sheer absurdity of it.] Azure moth, [he says, in danger of more giggling.] I get the feeling this sponsor just picked animals and stuff at random...

[He rips off the packing tape, unfolds the box's flaps, and... oh dear god. His cheeks redden from a combination of embarrassment and indignation at the sight of the azure moth's headpiece. It's just as overdone and cartoonish as the brown cow, with a goofy snout, extra-large eyes, and feathery antennae. It's definitely blue all over. Dear god.

He sighs audibly.] I regret everything about this.

[interstices]

Ew.

[What's he going to even do with this thing? Asuka stares at those freakishly-sized eyes, entire face locked in a grimace, and shakes her head.]

Could you take it apart? For sewing.