driftfleet | Twin Roses Mingle

[Basically just laying on him pitifully.] I wanted to believe it could be different.

[That's fine. He's not expecting her to do anything too exciting.] What could be?

[Should she cancel the flaming hoop she was supposed to jump through later?] Being together. Staying together.

[She sure doesn't have to, but jumping through a flaming hoop would interrupt hugs and who really wants that?] It still can be. He could come back.

[No one wants that. That's the worst.] Or he could never come back or he could come back without memories or with memories of his wife and kids. He's Schrödinger's boyfriend.

Or one of those, yes. [He rubs her back and doesn't even try to come up with a clever rejoinder about boyfriends and quantum superpositions.] But the good option isn't impossible.

Does that make it better or worse? [Don't get her wrong. She wants that hope. She wants to cling to it like Golem did his precious. But that's kind of the problem too, isn't it? How does she ever move on? And not just in relationships—she is no where close to thinking about that—but just in having a life that's actually available to her.]

I don't know. Hope is nice, but... sometimes, I think that having hope for something unlikely is harder than having no hope at all.

[She nods her head against him knowing exactly what he means and not relating it back to the part where he's in love with her and in a very unlikely scenario that it will ever be returned in the same fashion.] Exactly that.

But I do want him back. I want him to just appear and say he got travel between worlds figured out and we're all rescued. I want... him. [Just him. She'd take him with no memories or married too. She just misses him so much.]

[Now isn't the time for relating anything back to him! Kitty needs friends, not friends-who-were-boyfriends-that-she-doesn't-remember-having-and-still-aren't-over-her. This is about her now. It has to be; he can't try to help her if he's busy feeling bad for himself.]

Unlikelier things have happened. [Is there anything comforting to say that isn't a lie?] And if he doesn't come back... it will get easier.

[It is the truth and she knows it, but there is also a part of her that sounds so logical and honest—at least in the moment—that it will get better and hurt less and she'll smile and laugh again, but also that she'll never be as happy as she was with Winn. And in her current state she doesn't know if that's just a hard truth she has to face or her mind being unkind and unfair to her. But she doesn't say that part to him. She nods, accepting at least his offering of truth and his comfort.]

I didn't want to put you through this again. [It's not the same as Reid. He choice to leave her. He was still there, but he didn't love her anymore and a lot of the time he acted like he didn't even like her anymore. She was fighting for him long after he'd given up—she doesn't even remember how long which is a sort of mercy. If Winn remembers her at all then he is fighting to get back to her or to get her to where he is. They are in it together. It's different, but it still hurts and it's still Kitty crying on Chekov's shoulder while he wants to be the one to make her happy. She didn't know that then, but now it feels selfish.]

[Maybe she won't ever be as happy as she was. In Pavel's experience, things getting easier doesn't always turn into things getting just as good as they used to be. Significant losses or changes can be recovered from, but hurts accumulate; each one has a way of making it harder to love and trust and live as fully as before.]

It isn't as though you asked to go through this again. [The circumstances are different, but it's still Kitty mourning something that's gone and Chekov offering something that she just doesn't have room in her heart for. He'd rather see her happy without him than miserable, whatever the eventual outcome of that misery.] You're my friend, Kitty... I want to help, so please put me through anything. Okay?

[He wants to tell her that he loves her because it's so important that she knows that she's still loved no matter what happens, but it might come off wrong.]

Masochist. [Curling up more against him. She's pretty sure this is the wrong choice and that she'll feel bad about it later, but she doesn't have the strength to send him away for his own good. Especially when she very much wants him to stay.]

Silver lining, no one will try to make you be friends with Winn anymore. [Eyes filling with tears again.]

Maybe a little. [It doesn't have to be the wrong choice! He doesn't expect anything from her or a repeat of the post-Reid MarinaNova story line. Kitty has made it clear that she is in love with Winn and can't imagine feeling that ways towards Pavel, and that's... it's fine, it'll be fine, he's working on embracing that so he can be the kind of friend she deserves. Just please don't ask him to leave for his sake.]

What a sad silver lining. [He reaches for her hand and squeezes it, smiling apologetically. Does she have the ring on? Should he notice it?]

At least you're aware.

[The ring is very much there and even if he doesn't see it at first he'll feel it. And with all the hand holding they've done he knows she's never worn a ring before. She's not thinking about it even in the hand squeeze.]

[He's a little curious about the ring, but of course it's from Winn and maybe Kitty still feels bad or self-conscious about talking too much about Winn in Chekov's direction. If she wants to talk about him, surely she knows that he'll listen.]

Is there anything that you need right now?

[Winn.] This. I need this. [A friend. Support. Comfort. Being held.]

Winn would sing to me. He had a great voice.

...I sound like a child.

[He'd make Winn come back if he could, sure, but keep the requests possible for now!]

Since I do not, I can't in good conscience offer to do that.

Even if you do, [and he doesn't think that she does] I think that you're allowed. Needing time to be sad because someone you love has left doesn't make you any less brave or strong.

I should get better with practice. Not worse. [In a way she is getting better. She's feeling her feelings. She's not trying to escape them at least not to any large extent. But in her mind "better" is being unaffected somehow even though she'd never expect or even want that for others.]

You are getting better. [Not that he's an expert in Kitty having her heart broken. This just seems like an improvement over burning down a bar or inviting death-by-raptor.] Although I wish that you didn't have so much practice.

Same goes for you. [Not that he's ever seemed like he needed to get better. He's been pretty on top of his game. But she knows he's left a lot of worlds to be here now.]

[His kneejerk reaction is to deny that he has had practice with anything as painful as Kitty's string of losses, but that would not be productive. Or true, really, since Pavel has lost people. This is just the first time that he hasn't felt like he was capable of coping fairly gracefully. Something about the combination of half of the Enterprise's crew dying, losing a version of Kitty who could love him the way he loves her, and leaving another world that was starting to feel homey all in short order has affected him like no other previous loss.

So maybe they have both done a lot more practicing than anyone would wish for.]

Then it's decided: we should both stop practicing. We will see if the universe agrees.

Odds are it will eventually, right? Seems like now is as good a time as any to be eventually. [She yawns, betraying how tired she is and how little she's slept since he's been gone.]

Maybe. [Probably not.] Now is as good a time as any to be asleep, too. Will you be able to rest?

There's a first time for everything. [it's not a no?]

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