driftfleet | we're still wide awake

Entry tags:

we're still wide awake

Who: hawke & you.
Broadcast: n/a.
Action: literal hell planet.
When: today my dudes.

( a. ) planetside; HIDE AND GO SEEK.

[ To say Marian Hawke has been having a bad few days might be putting things a little lightly. She has a terrible few weeks, even a month! It's been one thing after another with little bright spots in between. Tiny little spots, practically swallowed by the rest of the shit in between.

Today is not exception. After having the wonderful idea of wandering off by herself Hawke has found herself in a pickle, one of many future pickles she is sure, a rather annoying one at that. Curled up in a tree, hugging her staff, watching as the four Vizeiri men comb the undergrowth for her. They're mad, she understands that, most people get angry when you throw a fireball in their faces but she had hoped they would have lost interest by now. Maybe the fireball made it personal, or maybe they're really hungry?

Either way she's stuck, unable to throw another spell or risk passing out from lack of mana, and to tired to physically put up a fight. ]

This was a terrible idea.

( b. ) planetside; DEAR CANNIBALS, I'M NAPPING COME BACK LATER.

[ Eventually there is no fighting off sleep. Mana deprivation, lack of sleep, exhaustion in her limbs, all of it slams into her like a tone of bricks. Any longer and she is like to pass out in the open and become some cannibals meal. So she searches for some sort of shelter, something to keep her safe from wandering Vizeiri or any other predators out there.

Unfortunately all she finds a small outcropping of rocks half hidden by some underbrush. Better than nothing right? It is by no means comfortable but she is so tired that she could barely care, crawling into the space and collapsing into a ball, staff held close to her chest. Sleep comes quickly, though not before she leaves a parting note, just in case:

DEAR CANNIBAL, MONSTER, OR OTHERWORLDLY BEING,
I AM VERY TIRED AND DECIDED TO TAKE A NAP
IF YOU TRULY WISH TO DEVOUR ME PLEASE COME BACK LATER
YOURS TRULY,
MARIAN HAWKE

Perfect. ]

( c. ) planetside; I'M NOT LOST, YOU'RE LOST.

[ Perhaps she was heading back with you to one of the crashed ship, or perhaps she was leading you to somewhere relatively safe. Whatever it was it has gone incredibly awry and she is now incredibly lost. She had marked that tree at least half an hour ago and she has passed it at least four times. Oh, this is bad, this is terrible. Being lost is always irritating but being lost on a planet full of cannibals? A hundred times worse, at least!

Frustrated Hawke plops down on a nearby moss covered rock, scowling at the ground. ]

This isn't my fault, I just want to let you know that in case we get ambushed by lunatics.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ It could have been as simple as the snapping of a twig or the sound of a far off carnivore, but either way something drags her from her slumber. However it is by no means gentle she wakes with a sudden jerk, eyes wide and breathing heavy, fingers curled tightly around her staff. A part of her expects something vicious, something cruel, a terrible carnivore come to have a snack, or maybe a group of lunatics. She doesn't, however, expect to be staring at the back of Fenris' head and to makes her heart seize in her chest.

Shit.

Only then does she realize that in her waking she had pointed the bladed end of her staff to his back, poised to pierce his skin and sever his spine. Her eyes go wide and panic wraps around her throat, the staff drops with a sudden and loud clatter as she backs up into the alcove. Shit, shit, shit.

Hands go up to hold her head, rubbing the sleep from her eyes hoping that might be enough to cover the sheer amount of panic written all across her face. Hawke laughs awkwardly, a hand moving from her face into her messy mop of hair. ]

Geeze, don't sneak up on me like that. I almost skewered you.

[He hadn't noticed the way she'd pointed her staff blade...probably a good thing. He does turn at the sound of the clatter- glad to see she's still fine. She really was just sleeping. He tries and fails to offer up a smile- when he speaks, his tone is considerably strained. He's trying, he really is, but this...is not an ideal situation. He'd rather go back to avoiding her and his guilt concerning her forever. ]

That would have been unpleasant.

[He remains calm. No sudden moves. ]

Perhaps it would have been wiser to sleep somewhere other than the forest full of people who wish to kill you ?

[ It's not ideal in the slightest. Nothing was okay between them ever since this whole mess started and she even went so far as to make things worse, now is just... Terrible. Emotional wounds surge with renewed life just having him here, strain quick to find her voice and her face. ]

Yeah, just a little.

[ She looks down at her staff where it had fallen, then back up at Fenris. Shit, shit, shit. ]

It's not like I had much choice. [ Bitterness is to quick to find her voice and she has to force herself to laugh. ] There aren't many safe places out here and I'm practically tapped out.

Then why be out here alone? Aren't any of your crew here with you?

[Asks the elf wandering around alone. Always the hypocrite.

Still, he's grabbing what little supplies he had with him, already setting himself up to leave. He doesn't want to stay here- now he knows she's fine...he'd very much rather remove himself from the situation again. ]

[ Instinct almost has her ask what he means by that? He's here after all. But memory catches up with her first and silences that. She thought after a while it might hurt less but it doesn't, not yet. ]

Because someone has to be, they can't defend the ship and scavenge at the same time. [ That's not entirely true, she's out here alone because she wants to be. Because there is no one to have her back anymore. ] And I'm trying to figure out where these bastards are coming from, if we can cut them off at the source we won't have to worry as much.

[ She is the Champion of Kirkwall after all, she solves problems. ]

[A Hawke will do what a Hawke will. That's what he and Anders talked about, and it's horribly accurate. He lets out a tired exhale. Right. ]

...Would you like me to tell Adalwolfe you are here? Then at least you can do this... [he waves his hand, trying to sum up her general Champion of Kirkwall-ness] thing together.

[ Hesitantly she reaches to grab her staff, fingers wrapping around the wood and pulling it back to her. It does little to shift the uncomfortable feeling in her chest, but it makes her feel just a little better─ more defended. ]

No, it's fine. I am perfectly capable of doing this alone. [ Using her staff she stands up, dusting herself off and running a hand through her messy hair. ] Just needed a little nap is all.

[He opens his mouth to argue, but bites it down. He lets out a ragged, annoyed sigh. ]

Fine.

[It's almost growled out. He's already making a move to leave, heading back towards the brush, the way he came. He WAS worried about her, but all the bitterness just comes surging back and he just can't stand to be around her. A mixture of his own guilt and anger at her actions after it have really cemented themselves between them. ]

Then I'll leave you to it.

[ It hurts and a part of her can't help but feel guilty for her tone towards him, for brushing off what concern he may or may not have had. But another doesn't. Guilt and bitterness mix together making her feel ill just standing there looking at him, wishing he was gone yet wanting him near all at once.

She hates this. She hates feeling like this. ]

Fenris, wait. [ Idiot, what are you planning on doing? Apologizing? Asking him to come with you? He won't, he can't stand to be around you anymore. ] I... [ This is pointless, it won't change anything. ] I'm sorry.

[ Her hand runs through her hair again, fringe moving from the angry burn above her eye. Maker's breath, she needs a drink. ]

[Fenris does, at least, stop. His gaze remains steadfastly at the ground, his hands tightening and loosening. He doesn't want to wait, he wants to go...but he knows she deserves more than that. Honestly, she always deserved more than that. Than him.

There's a waver to his voice when he finally speaks, one he'd rather not be there.]

As am I.

[ He stops but he doesn't turn around and it makes her chest ache, her heart threatening to shatter into pieces all over again. Look at me, please. Don't leave. There is a chasm between them that wasn't there before, one she doesn't know how to begin to cross, one that she desperately wants to cross. ]

No, I─ [ She exhales shakily, gaze falling to the ground as the urge to curl up on herself scratches at the back of her head. ] I was a complete ass, I didn't─ [ Want any of this. ] I'm sorry, Fenris. For being an ass, for coming back with Cloud, for just... Everything.

[ A part of her wishes she had brought Dog out with her, so she could bury her face into his fur and hide the tears starting to sting her eyes. ]

I don't─ I don't want us to always be like this. [ Deep breaths, you can do this. ] I miss having you around, I miss having you at my back.

[His hands tighten, the sharp points of his gauntlets digging into the flesh of his palms. He feels the pinprick pain but doesn't care, not just yet. He continues to stare at the ground. He's angry, for how she dealt with this. But he's just as angry with himself, for treating her so poorly to drive her to it in the first place. ]

I would have never sent someone to attack you if our situations were reversed.

[That's what hurts. He knows it's petty, being angry about how she dealt with it, but he is. He hates that is how she sees him. As something- someone so unpredictable and dangerous that she needed to set her friends on him first. ]

I understood I deserved it. I know I hurt you. I am already aware that what I did was a cowardly, selfish act. I hate myself plenty enough for what I did to you already. I didn't need-

[His voice catches, wavers, and he clams up. His arms move to wrap around himself, protective, not looking at her.]

It can't be as it was. I can't- I can't do that again.

I know.

[ Which makes her feel all the more worse. He didn't deserve that, no matter how much she had been hurt by it all, he didn't deserve what she did - not really. She should have gone by herself, shouldn't have had Cloud by her side no matter how much braver he made her feel. It was... It was the stupidest thing she could have ever done, and she now has to pay the price. ]

I was horrible, bitter and spiteful, all I could think about was how much it hurt me I couldn't consider─ [ How he felt; the guilt and anger that he must have had for himself. He's always been like that, for as long as she has ever known him. ] I wouldn't blame you if you hated me for it, I would hate me for it.

[ The laughter that comes is small, uncertain, her tone quiet. Her eyes sting and there is a waver to even her voice. ]

I know, it can't go back. [ A part of her wants it to, desperately, but that bridge has been burnt. ] I just─ I miss my friends, I miss my family. [ Her voice catches then and she has to bring a palm up to her face.] You're still family, Fenris. You always will be.

I don't hate you.

[For this, at least, he turns to look at her. There's surprise in his tone that she thinks that. But his expression is solid resolve- the absolute truth. ]

I could never hate you.

[His head drops again, not making eye contact, focusing on the floor. He tries to control his breathing, to remain calm and not just tear away from this. From her. It would be kinder to her in the long run. ]

I don't- I don't deserve that, Marian. [To be treated like her family. After all that. She's just lining herself up to get her heart broken again. Just in a different way.] You deserve better than that.

[ She laughs again, it is almost a sad sound that makes her feel like she is going to break all over again. The feeling gets worse when he looks at her, piercing through what little armor she has left. ]

No, I don't. [ It's only when she feels the bite of metal against her palm that she realizes she had taken hold of Varric's signet ring. ] I'm a terrible friend, a worst sister, and the shittiest Champion to ever live. [ Finger curl tighter around it and she breathes. ] I'm a screw up, but I'm trying and I─ I need my family. As selfish as it is you guys are... You're all that keeps me going.

You've never been those things, not to me.

[Which is...where a lot of the problems lay. He never felt enough for her- he always felt like he was struggling towards some greater ideal- a better version of himself he knew he would never be. He even knew a lot of it was in his own head, that he didn't need to be that way- but he felt it all the same. ]

I- [He hesitates, not sure how best to go on here. ] I am just afraid of hurting you again. More. I just- I fear I'll just continue making this more painful for you. That is why I have been avoiding you.

[ Not the him, not to the others, but she always felt it. Ever since her life started falling apart with the destruction of Lothering, ever since she watched her baby sister fall limp to the ground - a memory that still haunts her even to this day.

But, to hear him say that, brings her a little comfort. Even if she thinks of herself poorly, there are others out there who don't. Who care, who adore, who treasure her more than she will ever be able to treasure herself. ]

It'll be more painful if you keep avoiding me, Fenris. [ Her hand falls from her face as she looks up at him, her expression worn. ] What happened... I am a big girl, I'll get over it. But I can't lose you completely. I just can't.

I don't expect you to get over it. I was a coward and I should have told you how I felt.

[The guilt is there, solid and real. The honest hate he has for himself for all of that. He takes a few measured breaths, finally turning to look at her. ]

...If you are certain. I- I do not want to lose you, either. You still mean a lot to me.

You were an idiot, not a coward. But it doesn't really matter now, does it? I'll be fine.

[ It hurts still, sharp and vicious, but she can live with that, she has lived with worse and still does. Such is her lot in life. ]

Andraste's ass, of course I'm certain.

...I sincerely hope so. I am sorry for what I did to you, Marian. Deeply.

[He exhales. He can't manage a smile, not yet. But he relaxes a little- relenting. ]

Alright.

I know.

[ Exhaustion curls around her and all those airs she had put on crumble; it starts with a tremor in her fingers, a broken smile, and unbidden tears stinging the corner of her eyes. ]

Good, good. I'm... Maker's hair balls, I'm beyond glad. [ Oh shit, is she crying? She might be crying, a tear or two fall down her cheeks. She brings a hand up to palm her eyes, half trying to hide the tears. ] Dammit.

[Oh shit, she's crying. Fenris automatically reaches out for her, but his hand stops short of actually touching her. He hesitates, for a moment, before letting it drop to his side again, brow furrowed- not sure how to handle this now- with this new chasm between them. ]

Are you-

[No. Obviously. she's not alright. He drops his gaze to the ground again, unsure how to act. Torn between staying and trying to comfort her, or giving her her own space. ]

[ This is stupid, she is stupid, why is she even crying? It's as though all the things she had bottled up these past few months has come out at once. She laughs, hands trying desperately to keep the tears from falling with no avail, the sound almost broken as it is exhausted. ]

I'm─ [ Yeah, she isn't alright. She's a mess. ] Sorry.

[ It's only now that she realizes how terrified she had been of losing him entirely, of whatever bond they had left being cut off forever. She couldn't take it if that happened, if she lost yet another thing she loved. A friend, a member of her family, one more thing ruined by her own hands. ]

Haha, they won't stop...

[Fenris dithers, unsure of the best course of action to take here. He does, eventually, come to a decision, stepping forward and putting a hand on her shoulder. There there? ]

I...um. I'm sorry?

[This is largely his fault, after all. ]

...Is there anything I can do?

[ She doesn't expect the hand on her shoulder nor for Fenris to step forward, so she jumps when it rests there and looks up at him. Maker's breath, she must look stupid, she feels it, eyes already red from these stupid tears. ]

No, it's... I'm sorry. I guess I'm more exhausted than I thought.

[ A laugh, awkward, hands reaching up to try and wipe the tears from her face. It's been so long since she cried, years upon years, not since her mother's death. It's been so long that she truly doesn't know how to make it stop. ]

I don't know, you don't have to do anything. I'll be okay.

[ No, not really, but she's doing that thing again; putting on a brave face to hide the fact she's struggling to put herself back together. ]

we're still wide awake

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