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It's funny how you can find romantic places even with people trying to kill us, though perhaps not recently.

[It's the only joke he gets out as she cuts off every other one that springs to the tip of his tongue.

Maker she wasn't making this easy. No wonder she waited until they were on the ice, he couldn't so easily escape when he was barely moving along without help from the wall.]

You're evil, you know that? Evil and conniving. [That's about all he's got in his defense. She'd caught him off guard, to be honest, he'd seriously thought that she'd forgotten all about their very brief last conversation about this.]

This matter is mine and Hawke's...why does this mean so much to you?

[There's a huff of laughter as she skates around him, glancing back at him with all the coyness of a noblewoman well practiced in coming off as innocent.]

Me? Never. Just an acute sense of timing and location.

[She grins. Of course she didn't forget. Admittedly she put this off for too long, but now it's time to make up for lost time and opportunity.]

Because you're both my friends and I want to see you happy. Because I'm not quite sure what your hang up is. Because marriage is a wonderful thing and I want to see you both know it and experience it. And because, frankly, I'm an insufferable romantic and busybody.

Well, that last point we can agree on.
[He gave her the best unamused squint he could muster, but his eyes darted away, back to his feet.]

It's not so simple.
...has he told you he's proposed multiple times? One of those, he was horribly drunk and I was taking him home, so I'm not sure it counts.

[Even still, there's a surge of affection in his voice that betrays how little attention he's actually giving his shoes.]

I told him no each time.

Jerk.

[There's no venom in her tone, though she does stick her tongue out at him briefly before composing herself.]

Yes, he did. I do believe he's just decided to let you make the next step, if that ever happens. [She has to give Wolfe credit, she's not sure how she'd be feeling if she got turned down for marriage multiple times like that.] So what, exactly, is making it complicated? You've been together for years now and have no plans of parting. You're completely in love with each other. What else do you need?

[He's quiet in response, seemingly thinking over how to explain the tug and push in his heart that's plagued him for years now. After nearly a full minute of silence, he finally at least tries.]

When I first got to Kirkwall, I'd had no intention of staying. I only went because I'd nowhere else to go and a...friend of mine had been sent there long before. I figured I could free him from Kirkwall's circle and then decide where to go from there, with or without him.

[He and Karl had grown much, though they still wrote to each other regularly, Anders hadn't had any real expectation that they'd stay together even with Karl freed; especially not with Justice in him at the time.]

Hawke came to me looking for maps I had of the deep roads in the area, things I...might have stolen from Stroud while he was in the area. Hawke was strong, attractive, well-spoken and, on some level, both worldly and incredibly naive at the same time. IT was endearing. But I was a possessed apostate and runaway Warden living in the poorest part of town and yelling the loudest about the plight of mages.

[A perfect target to be noticed and yet it was amazing how thoroughly ignored he'd been all through his time there. Not by the Templars, perhaps, but by all the people he'd hoped would listen. The people of Darktown and Lowtown might have appreciated and noticed him, but if they'd had any power to change anything, they'd have done it for themselves long before.]

I was hardly a good choice in partners. Yet, even after we returned from the Deep Roads and Hawke began his life as a noble with all his newly gained riches, he kept coming back to visit me and quite obviously flirting. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm hardly the attractive charmer I once was. I had no idea what he saw that kept bringing him back. Still don't, I suppose. But I warned him not to play with fire, that if he insisted on his foolish crush, he'd only end up hurt in the end. There was never going to be a happy ending for me.

He never listened.

I told him no because he was a noble and I was an apostate everyone knew how to find; you should have heard some of the whispers when he finally convinced me to go to one of his ridiculous parties. I told him no because I was busy with the mage underground and trying to help our people who weren't as lucky as we were. I told him no because he'd just become Champion and anyone with half a brain could tell things were already going to change. I told him no because...I'd already begun to enact my...plan. And just as I didn't tell him of it to protect him, I refused to have him tied to me if it saw fruition. The last time...I told him no because there was still ash from the city staining our faces and he'd only just started talking to me again. I wasn't even supposed to be alive by that point, part of my was still hoping he'd change his mind and put me down as I'd asked. I told him no because he still had time to change his mind.

[He finally looked to Riona, his expression practically blank despite the emotion in his voice. If there was one conundrum more confounding than the corruption of the Chantry, it was Adalwolfe Hawke.]

Do you know the kind of life he could be having right now if it weren't for me? I don't know why he stays, but I keep hoping he'll finally realize he should have listened to me all those years ago. And, the worst thing of all, I'm not nearly strong enough to send him away myself. I don't want to lose him, I'm too selfish to let someone who's made my life immeasurably better go, even if it would be better for him.

[Well. That was... a lot.

Some of it surprises her. She assumed most of his proposals had come after they had fled Kirkwall, once everything was behind them. It puts a few things into perspective. This is also one of those moments where she can plainly hear what Anders really thinks of himself. Oh, he doesn't say it entirely outright, but it's in between the lines. All the self-loathing, the doubt, the pain... it's all in there. It hurts her to hear it, even though she's long suspected it.]

You apply your stubbornness to so many things you shouldn't, you ridiculous man. [He absolutely is one and he knows it.] I don't know what life he'd be having if you weren't in it, but really, neither do you. It could have gone a lot of ways. Maybe he'd be better off. But maybe he'd be dead, too. You can't wonder what difference it would have made if you were or weren't there. [She huffs out a laugh, humorless and dark.] And yes, I say that as someone who does the same. [At least she admits she's being a hypocrite? Does that count?]

Give Wolfe some credit, Anders. He's a lot of things, but he's not stupid. If he didn't think you weren't right for him, he'd have left by now. But he hasn't, and I don't think he will. That's just part of being in a relationship. If he didn't want to stand by you, if some part of him didn't agree and want to help you see your work through, he'd have left.

[If Wolfe stayed in their relationship out of some sense of obligation, it'd show. If he had found someone else, it'd show. There are always signs. Riona's seen none of them. She just sees two men stupidly in love with each other who deserve to be happy.]

Give yourself some credit, too. Sure, you're not entirely the same as when we first met, but you're still you. I still see some of that charming, humorous man in there. He's just a bit more serious now and has been through a lot of trials. [She puts a hand on his cheek.] And even if you weren't, that doesn't make you any less deserving of being loved and being happy. You have good qualities. You're kind, and you care. Deeply. You go out of your way to help those who need it. You stand up for what you believe in, even if everyone else is against you. And you're a good man. One who's been scarred by his life as a mage and what that means for him, and all his fellow mages. Your worth isn't tied up in one thing you did. It's the sum of your actions and intentions. Let yourself be happy, you stubborn mule.

Edited (okay for realzies now) 2018-03-04 19:36 (UTC)

[Being a hypocrite, in this case, grants some legitimacy to what she says, at least for him. Takes one to know one, as they say. He thought on what she said, clear that he was actually giving them consideration instead of brushing them off as he might from just about anyone else. Just about anyone else, he could make an excuse, but Riona knew them and knew their circumstances and knew just about everything that could possibly hold Anders up.

All except one thing, something only one person knew about and he struggled for a moment about throwing it out as one last defense between them, but didn't. He didn't want her to worry about it when he knew she'd spend at least a couple years worrying about it back home, she shouldn't waste her time here. Besides, Wolfe had proposed to him knowing Anders had the taint and would likely die from it, here where Hawke thought Anders was still without it? There was no excuse.

And on top of it all, the taint being his 'defense' just boiled down to the real problem here, the real reason he hadn't said yes in all this time.

He was simply scared. The same coward he'd always been.]

You're too kind to me.

I know. I know you're right, but I'm still scared. Mages don't get married, they don't get to have love or a family or anything even remotely close to a happy ever after. I'm too much of a coward to reach for that only to inevitably lose it anyway.

[His hand came up to squeeze hers and he gave a tired half-smile.]

I always wished I had even a fraction of your bravery.

Someone has to be. Besides Wolfe. Can't make him do all the heavy lifting alone.

[He deserves it, even if he thinks otherwise.]

Well... think of it this way. You fought for mages to be free. You fought so they can get married, and love, and have families. You spoke out when no one else would, and stood up for it. That takes a lot of bravery. And now, here it is. Your chance. Set the example again by embracing it.

[Too many mages go without it. It would be heartbreaking to see it slip by Anders and Wolfe.]

It's okay to be scared. Marriage is... intimidating. It's a big step. [She snorts.] After my, uh, unconventional proposal to Alistair and everything with the Landsmeet, you know what all my 'bravery' afforded me? A hurried exit where I found a bucket and promptly threw up.

[He laughs. It's hardly kind, but it's a surprised sound.]

I suppose nobody's perfect. But then you got the man and the throne, so I suppose it worked out.

[His smile shrank, though it wasn't any less genuine, just more...thoughtful.]

What you said about setting the example, I hadn't really thought of it that way. I guess...it never occurred to me the only thing keeping me from that life now is myself, instead of some ridiculous Chantry doctrine.

Well, the throne came with the man, as it were. But yes, I got to stay with him. Worth it in the end.

[Alistair's worth anything and everything. A bit of vomit in a bucket is barely anything.]

No Mother or Divine can stop you now. Just you. If you decide to ever go forward with it, and you want some help, let me know. Even if it's just ogling rings.

[He chuckles, almost disbelieving he's even having this conversation.]

Perhaps I'll take you up on that.

For now, we should...probably continue on instead of standing stranded talking about my love life while on ice, if you don't mind.

I can't wait if you do. [She grins widely. This'll be wonderful.] But yes, I suppose we should keep moving, as fun as talking about love lives is.

For you, yes. Just wait, I'll make a list of prying questions for you next time. Maybe starting with how King Alistair does in bed.

[He's teasing. Maybe.]

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