driftfleet | [Semi-open] Stress finally takes its toll

Entry tags:

[Semi-open] Stress finally takes its toll

Who: Shiro and Ulaz, Shiro and you
Broadcast: No
Action: on Duotera (for Ulaz), the SS Blameless (open)
When: Throughout this week
Warnings for the Ulaz thread: Mentions of Shiro's year in captivity, possible mentions of torture, experimentation and losing his arm; Shiro having a panic attack with flashes of said memories.

1. Closed to Ulaz

[After a really, really shitty month, Shiro must admit it: Ulaz arriving has been a blessing for his mood. Part of him knows it's messed up that people are brought back from death, but it's not like he can do anything about Atroma's plans (yet, he hopes) and damn if he won't enjoy something nice actually happening to him for a change.

He already lost one "purple". Let him have the other.

They arrive to a nice system, too, which also helps, considering they're still waiting for the third dream to happen. One less thing to worry about. So the main issue in Shiro's mind now is... questions. So many of them. When Ulaz arrived, Shiro wanted to give the poor man time to settle down, so he kept himself in check. But he can't wait any longer.

So time to make a good use of the planets! Duoatera has a nice climate and beautiful hills, so Shiro invites Ulaz for a hike. With only nature (and Procyon of course) surrounding then, they can have a private and calm conversation while exploring. So here is Shiro now, near the hills area, dressed in a nice jacket and ready to go, dog sitting next to him like a good boy.

He smiles when he sees Ulaz approach.] Hey. I'm glad you came. Have you ever gone hiking before?

2. Open - SS Blameless

[Maybe you heard from Ulaz, or from Shiro's teammates, or his crew - or maybe you've just been wondering why Shiro hasn't been around much. But the story is only one: someone finally passed out from all the stress and is now stuck in bed. And hey, maybe you've also been wondering why that someone hasn't taken the captain's room when he's now the only captain of the ship.

Well, wonder no more! Because that's where he is now. You can thank the very tall and very strong purple alien for that.

They haven't moved his stuff yet, but Procyon (now quite bigger and with longer hair) is there with him, taking advantage of the bigger bed and taking care of his master at the same time. And Shiro does have his communicator and tablet, because resting isn't a word he knows of.

He's bored, alright.

So if you're visiting him, you'll find him going through documents on his tablet. Please stop him before stress starts going up again.

Or maybe you are just passing by for whatever reason, making your way through the Blameless' slippery hallways. Since the captain's room currently has the door open (you can also thank the alien for that), Shiro will see you walk by and take the chance to speak up.]

Excuse me, can I ask you for a favor, please? [He almost sounds... ashamed? To be asking this. He feels silly asking for little things he could be doing himself, okay.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It had been a weird couple of weeks for Ulaz, having essentially woken up from apparent certain death in a weird ship only to be transported to another weird ship. Well, at the very least he had found a group of people that he had known from home.

The upside to this was that not long after arriving the ships had reached a group of planets where one was inhabitable currently. It had been a while since he'd been on a planet and not just on a base or a ship. Not like the Galra carried about their medical officers doing anything but that... being medical officers. So he was going to take the chance and explore the great outdoors.

And then Shiro invited him to come along on a hike. At the appointed time, he showed up, arriving to find Shiro with his dog]

Of course I would come.

[Shiro had invited him]

It has been while since I have been hiking. Are there usually opportunities like this with?

[And he is ready to go whenever Shiro is, glancing down at the dog. He'd seen a lot of different species before, but this one was new as well]

[Of course I would come, he says, and Shiro feels a little guilty. Like it's a set up. Which it isn't! He genuinely wants to hang out with Ulaz! He just happens to have some questions as well.

Shiro is ready to go too, but Procyon must do the obligatory sniffing of feet first. This person is purple, just like him! That's nice.]

That's Procyon, by the way. He was a gift for the holidays. [From Atroma, but hey, details.] Opportunities for relaxing activities depend on the planets we reach, but yes, it's not the first time we get to do some hiking.

[Ulaz looked down at the dog as it came over to sniff him. He likely smelled different than what the dog was used to. After all, it had probably never seen a Galra before. He crouched down to get a better look at the canine before glancing back up at Shiro]

A gift? [He's not going to ask from who]

I suppose it is better to not always encounter hostile environments. [He stood back up again, ready to go himself, taking a step off in the direction they had been planning on going] It's been deca-phoebs since I can last remember doing something like this.

Yes, a gift. Some people got stuff from home. That's how Keith got back his Marmora blade, and the others got their bayards.

[It's a different smell but not a bad one! Procyon is getting used to smelling lots of different aliens. Part of the fleet life. You're cool, Ulaz. Now let's get going! Shiro follows his friend when he starts moving, ready to enjoy this walk even if he has a delicate subject in mind for later.]

It definitely is. Hostile environments aren't the rule for the fleet, I've learned, although it doesn't mean we don't get them at all. I definitely felt that way too when I arrived - being here it's not ideal and we were kidnapped for exposure but... it also feels like a break from home, doesn't it?

Interesting that such things are confiscated just to be returned at a later time. Unless they are expecting someone in their current state of arriving here behaving irrationally.

[Which yeah... made perfect sense in that regard. But who knows if that was the actual reason for that.

Also he might be a little bitter that they had taken his sword... just a little.

Ulaz walked along with Shiro and Procyon, being careful of his steps. Being his height meant it wasn't hard to get ahead of someone else without trying and the intention was to walk together]

It does in some strange way. I certainly wouldn't call it "good", but at this time there are benefits to it along with the downside.

[Benefits like being planet side on an inhabitable, non-threatening planet. Rarely were those in the Galra Empire happy to see Galra]

I'm not sure if they confiscate them or they don't arrive with us at all. Some times they give us gifts from home that we didn't have with us at the time.

[Thankfully Shiro is quite tall too - not as tall as Ulaz, of course, there's quite a difference there, but at least he can try and keep up with his friends as much as possible without things getting too awkward. And he likes the exercise anyway. After a while, Procyon will start going a bit ahead of them or off the road to sniff here and there - Shiro lets him as long as he stays in his sight.]

I agree with your benefits and downside idea but... [He pauses for a moment, looks at Ulaz and decides to go for it.] I'd thought for your particular case, you'd be considering it... more than "good".

Either way, we do not arrive with them no matter what their reason for it is.

[Ulaz still doesn't try to get too far ahead of Shiro or the dog. At least until Procyon is running in front of them and sniffing at the trail. Then the dog is ahead of him. He also kept an eye on the dog. It was important to Shiro and he didn't want anything to happen to it.

When Shiro said this, Ulaz glanced up at the sky for a moment as they kept walking]

I wouldn't call it good because we are stuck in a place that we were brought to against our will. It is better for the fact that I am here, alive and with relative freedom of movement and choice. The lack of the same responsibilities is still something I am adjusting to.

True. The scanners on our paladin armor don't work either.

[Well, at least he calls it "better". That's a start. It's still impressive that Ulaz manages to stay so neutral about the situation - yes, it does suck that they're stuck. But being alive again should be something big on the pro column... It seems Ulaz is full of surprises.]

I'm glad I'm getting a second chance to meet you, Ulaz. I still feel like I owe you. And... there are so many questions I have about my time with the Galra.

I did inquire with one of the other members of the fleet about the weapons he had been making and he offered to make a sword for me.

[Ulaz is an enigma in case Shiro hadn't realized it. Probably most people would be happy to be alive, but there's a quiet neutrality to Ulaz's thought on it. Perhaps it was too many years as a spy within the Galra where the best way to do your work was to be off their radar or the Blade of Marmora who believed in the phrase "knowledge or death".

Maybe being around people who actually had more of an appreciation for life would help him realize that this was actually chance to start over]

It's good we are getting that chance. Things are different here than they were back home. You don't owe me. I'm sure you do have questions.

[Yes, he acknowledged that he had questions, but no offer to answer any of them]

Let me guess, you talked to Sokka? Good. You can trust him, and his abilities.

[Things definitely are different than they were back home, although Shiro has to wonder some times for how long they'll stay that way. Some of the planets they've visited are like creepy omens of an uncertain future with Atroma.]

I do owe you. And I'll owe more if you can help me with those questions, Ulaz. I need to know what happened to me during that year. Please. Do you know what happened to my arm? Do you know why Haggar told me I could've been her greatest weapon?

Yes, it was Sokka. He was selling some that he had already made so I did have a chance to look at the quality of his blades.

[And there it was: the inevitable questions. He had been sure that they would come at some point; he would have been more surprised to never hear Shiro ask those questions. But at the same time, as he stopped and turned to Shiro, he wasn't sure those answers would bring anything more than pain.

Besides, it seemed to have been rather staged at the moment. A hike in the woods to be away from everything, from someone possibly overhearing the conversation. Hardly seemed like a coincidence]

I do know the answers to those questions, but I don't think that you are ready to hear those answers.

He'll have something good for you in no time. I know it's not your blade though - hopefully we'll get gifts again soon.

[He's heard Atroma gifts aren't always particularly nice, but weapons at least seem to be common enough, so Ulaz may get lucky sooner than he expects.

Who isn't getting lucky right now seems to be Shiro. His eyes widen for a second, not expecting that answer, and just as quickly he frowns, frustrated by Ulaz's lack of cooperation. Does he sound angry when he speaks? A little bit, yeah.]

How can you know what I'm ready to hear or not? This is my life, Ulaz! It's been much worse not to know what's wrong with me! What did they do to me? I have the RIGHT to know!

[Shiro had every right to be angry with Ulaz's response. He did have a right to know what had been done to him during that year. But at the same time, mental health did play a factor. It would not be easy to hear, whether he deserved it or not]

You do have a right. And you will. But not now.

[Angry he can deal with. He's dealt with worse from Shiro; he'll deal with it again now. The paladin wasn't in the right mental state to hear what had happened. Telling him in a way that would upset him would only make this harder]

[Yeah, okay, that? Is not helping. If Ulaz would say that he can't give out that information, then Shiro... well, he would still be angry, but this is worse. Because Ulaz is agreeingwith him, and still turning him down. It's such a slap to the face.

Trembling hands reach out and grab Ulaz's arms, desperation mixing with his raising anger. Procyon comes back to his owner when he realizes the situation, and butt his head against Shiro's legs, trying to comfort him. But Shiro's attention is somewhere else.]

If I do have the right, then why are you taking it from me? What difference does it make? We're not at home, we're in a peaceful place! We're safe! [Most of the time, anyway.] And you're here. "Now" is probably the best moment we'll ever going to get!

[Before Ulaz disappears on him again.]

[It really hurt more than Shiro could know that he couldn't tell him. He did deserve to have all the information, even if it earned Shiro's ire for the fact that he had been a party to everything that was done.

But he couldn't. Not when Shiro was in a state like this. Even if his initial request for information had been laced with panic and rather than accepting an answer couldn't be provided, he had become angry. He wasn't worried for his safety given his training as a Blade, but he was worried for Shiro's]

"Now" is not the best moment. You asked me to come out here with the intent of asking about this and I chose not to answer it now because of your state and you are only proving me right by the second.

I asked you to come out here with me because I wanted to spend time with you! I want to be your friend. And yes, I also had the intent of asking you about this, but it wasn't some sort of trick or anything.

[Although part of him kinda feels that way. Excuse him for making conversation! He does mean every word though. He does want to be Ulaz's friend, but how can he move onto that with so many unanswered questions between them? His hand drop and he takes a step back - he doesn't know what to do anymore.]

I'm only in "this state", as you called you, because you made me. I thought you were on my side.

[Be his friend... there was something he hadn't been expecting to hear. Especially when to him, this looked like a trap to try and get information about a particularly dark topic. And when he was already worked up, though Shiro was denying that he had been worked up before Ulaz had said no it had just aggravated it.

His brow furrowed]

I am on your side. I don't think anyone has been more on your side. I protected you from the others, those that wanted to hurt more than you were.

[Why couldn't he trust him that he didn't want to know]

It doesn't feel that way! It feels like you're protecting their information!

[Meaning the empire's. He's pretty snappy by now, something that makes Procyon whine in worry and try to get his master's attention again, but no luck. Shiro has eyes only for Ulaz now ~~that's what he said~~.]

I also protected you! If it had been for Allura, we would've thrown you in cell and leave you there to rotten! [Or worse, but he doesn't want to think about that. Shiro usually isn't one to bring up the good things he did as some kind of debt, but he's obviously getting agitated. Is it just him or things are getting hot in here?] They told me that my sudden memory of you was just a dream! Or an implanted memory! But I knew better, because that memory felt right. Talking to you makes things feel right... or they usually did, anyway.

What reason would I have to protect their information? It's pointless to protect them, even if we weren't here.

[The dog is definitely getting upset now too, but Ulaz seems to be the only one of the two who has noticed it. Shiro getting increasing agitated has him concerned. He had only been intending to express concern for Shiro by not telling him now and it had been taken completely differently.

He's not even going to touch what they thought they could have done when he was captive]

I'm trying to protect you now, Shiro. You don't need to have the information of what happened to you when you are like this. Of what they did to you, how you lost your arm.

Protecting me from what? Myself? Because then it's a little late for that.

[A pause. Hard breathing. It's not a thing that he exactly confesses out of the blue, but he's emotional and not thinking straight right now. But yes, that's how he sees himself: his mind is not kind to him, with the nightmares and filling the blanks with the worst case scenarios.]

I do need it. Please. I beg you.

Shiro, you need to calm down. You need to stop this.

[The comment about it already being too late to protect him from himself was worrying him. He did need to protect him from himself in this state. No matter what he said, Ulaz did have to protect him from himself]

You don't have to have that information now. It won't fix anything remembering what was done.

[You need to stop this.

The words hit him like a rock, right on the head. Breathing is getting harder and harder, he's panting now, and he grabs his head as he steps back, eyes unfocused. He talks to Ulaz, but doesn't really register the presence in front of him.]

Y-you... you've said that to me before, haven't you?

[Ulaz paused when Shiro suddenly stepped back, grasping his head, his breath coming heavily. His eyes seemed to look right through him, like he was there, but also wasn't at the same time. He didn't even need to ask to know what was going on. Those words had triggered something]

Yes, I have said that to you before. On the ship.

[Like he really needs to explain which ship]

W-why...

[He falls to his knees, trying to fight the panic attack he knows it's coming. But even in this state, he doesn't stop asking. Blurry images of Ulaz with a mask on his face come to mind and he wants to cling to them, bring them back properly. But he can't.]

W-why did you tell me that last time? What- [Deep breaths, Shiro, deep breaths.] --what did I do to make you...

[He can't even finish sentences anymore.]

[As Shiro fell to his knees, Ulaz - carefully - nudged Procyon further to the side so the dog wouldn't be right up against Shiro before dropping down as well to be able to support him. He was still significantly taller than Shiro, but he could make sure he was not a danger to himself]

Stop asking questions. This is not helping.

[Nope, not even answering that one. Shiro's already on shaky ground. More questions and answers won't help]

Closed to this guy

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