driftfleet | Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

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Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

Who: Everyone invited, everyone gatecrashing (technically you're all invited, so...)
Broadcast: Who knows, maybe some drunken texting later on
Action: Iskaulit Pool!
When: 3 July

[It's a party for a narcissistic redhead who likes to be reminded she's alive. Come celebrate! Alternately, come sneak in and steal the food! There's a bar set up for drinks drastically lowered to cost-price or to-be-paid-later-tab, a non-alcoholic punch in case of wandering minors (spike it and Nami will end you) and random snacks.

Oh, and a pool. Which is heated. Kind of important, that part.

Step right up, I'm reliably informed we'll have Thor with his shirt off, take pictures while you can.]

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Probably a good call. [Kitty isn't love! You can give up on finding romance with one while still seeking the other! But Kitty is the last person to be able to give advice on giving up on someone you want to be with. There's even still a part of her who misses the Reid from before he came back from getting more memories as if he'd literally been a different person. As if the arc of time wasn't always going to bend him the way it did.

She isn't sure what else to say. It feels like there should be more especially hearing that his purpose was getting in a relationship with her? He may not have meant it in exactly those terms, but he kind of did, right? She thought she'd explained it better before. That it wasn't so dependent on Winn. That she'd talked to him in terms of the two of them, but maybe she didn't. Maybe that's what she wanted to do and a very hard situation was easier because Winn was there. And to do it now just feels like kicking him while he's down, but does that mean if things go badly with Vash that he'll be hoping...?

And she's not sure it couldn't work with them, but she doesn't feel the same kind of attraction she has to past guys. It's not that he isn't cute. Maybe it's just that he's young (some people would call it age appropriate) or that his past isn't as dark so it makes her feel more broken by comparison and more capable of breaking him inadvertently. Or it could just be that she spent so long trying to convince Winn they were just friends that she thoroughly convinced herself that's all they were and all they could be. After all, it is a little startling to hear you were dating someone during a time you can't remember.

Obviously conflicted, it's nice to have an easy answer to provide.]

He used to live with Sasha when she went by "cat" so I think there's a good chance they'd get along.

[He has no idea what his purpose is! It started out not being alone every night. He'd been pretty sure--or he'd convinced himself--that he'd accepted that whatever they'd had in Marina was a fluke or a lapse in judgment on her part or maybe even a trick that the Wardens were playing, but somehow his feelings aren't going along with that and now this is getting mixed up with other failed relationships. Maybe that conversation with Vash had rekindled hope that he'd talked himself into thinking he didn't have anymore. Maybe stomping feelings down for months instead of addressing them (really, he'd figured that that extremely regrettable message to Kitty that he wishes he could erase from existence exorcised all of those troublesome feeling things) was not the wonderful coping mechanism that he thought it was. Maybe he's just being willfully stupid now, and selfish, and eager to ruin a wonderful friendship by being greedy enough to want more.

And there's another path to the self-hatred that is just going to have to wait, and the conclusion that Kitty wouldn't have ever fallen in love with him under any circumstances, and neither would anyone else, and if he's going to be like this then it's for the best because love should never be this selfish.

Anyway. Please be quiet, mind. This is a bad time.]

Ah, right. [And now he's too busy being in his own head to remember things. Smooth. A great way to convince Kitty that this is fine and ha, of course he hasn't been hanging on to the idea of a relationship that he's known wouldn't happen and that he'd told himself he'd moved on from, it was just a silly bed-sharing notion that he would have brought up to any close friend, and it's really good that she found someone kind to not be lonely with, especially since that someone is Vash who is very likable and would try hard not to hurt her, oh god, what were they talking about, it's definitely his turn to say another thing.] She is a new cat though.

[Listen, she was literally murdered by her first love and the second guy she was with tried to murder her and she's still trying. Don't give up after three girls where things still turned out relatively well in the end even if it wasn't happily ever after!]

Being with you changed everything, huh? [With the cat. She's talking about the cat. You know she's talking about the cat, right?]

[Those things are both HORRIBLE, why do you keep trying! But some of them were in love with her, right? She's so easy to love, and she's the victim of life being completely awful and unfair; Pavel's just not worth being in love with.]

Of course. I'm an excellent cat servant. [C'mon, who would they be talking about? Being with him hasn't changed anyone else.]

[Shut your bracket face, Chekov! You're so completely deserving of love in a general sense. You just can't absolutely expect it from any one specific person even if they do already love you, jerk! Just not in the naked kind of way.]

That's probably what did it. I considered us more like equals. I didn't know she was the boss.

[He doesn't know she loves him in a not-naked way!

Look, it's very hard to think nice things when you're in the middle of a self-esteem-destroying spiral created by too much introspection and not enough talking about things.]

She is. I'm certain she's grateful that she now lives with someone who recognizes this.

[What? Epic fail on her part if she's never told him. She feels like she has, but maybe she just felt it so hard it seems that way. She's not always great sharing with words. And she has been more worried about it since his love confession because then it feels like "I love you" needs to come with disclaimers and that's not how love should be expressed. But she also doesn't want it to be confusing for him. Clearly, mission achieved there...]

Oh, definitely. No big Kittys to keep her down.

[Feelings are really confusing. They can't be intellectualized or analyzed or reasoned away. They don't go away if they're pushed aside enthusiastically enough. They're hard to express clearly and hard to assume. Who ever thought they were a good idea?

He smiles a bit distractedly because puns are good, but his mind isn't at all on the conversation.]

I'm grateful that she lives with me also, you know. Thank you for following through on your drunken offer to give her to me.

[Fair. She knows how that goes. If she could control her feelings a lot of things would have been different for her.]

Well, you're very welcome. I think you make a better home for her. [She probably should just embrace the pet life as a distraction if nothing else, but it just isn't where her heart was as much as she likes animals.]

Do you know the birthday girl well? I mean other than her being your boss.

Maybe not better. Possibly more to her liking. [Since, turns out, Pavel's a doting cat parent. Pets are still something of a novelty to him even though he'd had a brush with dog ownership back in the City. He wouldn't have time for a pet--not even a cat--at home, but this cat thing is working out here. His relationship with Sasha is delightfully uncomplicated, she keeps him from being alone alone at night, and she tolerates a fair amount of cuddling. Mostly. Usually.

A shrug. The number of people in the Fleet that he knows well are limited to Kitty and Kirk at this moment.] We spent time together on the space station that was full of zombies, and we bonded over liking maps today. These seem like good foundations for a friendship.

[He should definitely work on that. He's a great person to know and he's withholding from everyone else!] Oh, I fully agree. Daryl and I spent some zombie time together. I should catch up with him and add a map layer. Also, I think obscure card games should be next. I think that's the order it goes in.

[Lies! He's the worst! Haven't you been following the bracket text?]

Every friendship has its own steps. I have not had an opportunity to get to know Daryl well [because the man is a paranoid recluse] but I think that, for you, the next step will involve talking about weapons. The only things that I know he likes are guns and knives.

Oh, that's right. He's on the Tourist, isn't he? My old home away from home. [It hasn't been that for a long time now but she does kind of miss her two ship life. And there are still important people there. Fewer without Jarvis now.]

I had to spring my powers on him right away when we met. He'd probably feel more at home with just the claws. [Those were out too.]

He is, yes. [Kirk, Chekov, Anders, and Daryl. Not much of a home now. Pavel would have transferred somewhere else if he didn't feel obligated to follow Kirk or worried about Anders. (He's just gotten everything set up in a way that Sasha likes, too. It'd be a shame to relocate her and start that over again.]

Claws would be far more comfortable for him, I'm sure. More relatable.

[Chekov is still only half-engaged in the conversation. Still distracted by thoughts that he doesn't particularly want.]

[This chit chat isn't as light as she'd like to pretend it is, is it?] I rarely hear that about them, so I probably shouldn't miss the opportunity.

[Should she say anything? Would something good come from talking about it more or will it just hurt or embarrass him?]

[Ha ha, oops.] Rarely? You have heard that about them?

[It probably wouldn't hurt? So far, he's doing a lot more to hurt and embarrass himself than anyone else.]

Okay, no, not specifically. [She smiles a little and then tilts her head.] I feel like I should ask if you're okay again, but I don't know if you'd really tell me if you weren't.

[He's going to press her with another conversational question--Then what have you heard generally? perhaps--but then she's asking the thing and that seems more important.]

Maybe I would. [And even though she directly ask:] Maybe I'm not. But I should be, and I will be.

[She can understand feeling like you have no right to your feelings and what a terrible position that puts a person in since you can't just turn them on and off. And it's not the most fun loop to have going on inside yourself.] Am I... [She's not sure how to word it.] Doing something wrong here? Could I be doing something better for you?

[He is truly and visibly baffled by that.] No, of course not, no. You have been nothing but kind and patient with how I--with everything, ever since I came here. You didn't need to be. I haven't done very much to earn that.

Pavel, what are you saying? You've always been good to me and for me. You're one of my closest friends. If I'm kind and patient it's just because you show me all that and more. You always have. You don't have to earn anything, but you more than have.

[Kitty's mouth and his brain are providing two very different narratives. He likes Kitty's better, but...] I've been selfish. I've wanted too much. I haven't been--I haven't appreciated you enough here, as you are. Happier. I wanted [past tense] the you that was in Marina back even though she was sadder, and I don't know what can be more selfish than that.

I mean, that doesn't sound great, but I get it. I've wanted people to go back to the way they were in these places. To remember me or not to have new memories that messed things up between us. [Like Reid.] You haven't made me feel like I'm a disappointment.

You have never, ever been a disappointment. You never will be.

[He actually... feels better? Sort of? Still un-want-able, but Kitty doesn't seem to think that he's as awful as he thinks he is. He generally trusts her assessment of people, so he's kind of obligated to go with her on this one.]

I love you. [There's no extra weight behind the words. Sincerity, sure, but no desperation and grasping. It's not a down-on-one-knee-with-a-ring sort of I love you.] In whatever way.

I love you too, Pavel. [Which she means with all sincerity and has felt for a long time. It is not as all encompassing as the way he means it perhaps. It's not a romantic love, but she does love him and she hopes she does the right thing by leaving off the disclaimer. She doesn't want it to be confusing, but she also doesn't want to minimize it. Hug? Hug.]

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