driftfleet | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Who: Cyril Lavellan
Broadcast: OPEN
Action: The Space Bar
When: After he wakes up.

[Network]

[Cyril has been asleep for the last few weeks and when he finally comes to he feels an odd sense of resignment over this whole thing. He really should be angrier, he thinks, but all he can really do is sigh, shake his head, and get really drunk.]

Well, I'm in a mood for a drink. If anyone wants to join me, I'll be at the Space Bar.

[Action]

[And that is exactly where he is after he makes this announcement. He seems pretty relaxed as he orders something strong and works to finish it off. He really doesn't want to seem contemplative or mopey, but he can't quite shake the realization that Atroma could literally do anything to him and he'd be powerless to stop them.

He hates not being able to control every little thing about his own body.

That's why he looks especially well tonight. His make up is even more on point than normal, his hair is perfectly placed, his clothes chosen to complement his form the best way he can, and everything about his body language is so tightly performative - purposely portraying the image of someone without a care in the world.

These are the things he does control. He controls how much alcohol he puts in his system and allows the fuzz to take away the edge of the sharp fear in his chest. He controls how much he smiles and jokes with those around him. He needs to believe that he maintains some level of control, because being reminded that the chip in his head means Atroma can play with him like a little toy makes an uneasiness settle over him he would very much like to ignore for now.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Cyril is quiet for a moment, because he isn't sure he wants to distract himself from one uncomfortable feeling by focusing on another.]

I don't even know where to start, if I'm honest.

The beginning might work. [ Leilani smiles softly, nudging him. ] You could ask me things in return.

Any questions I could ask would likely bring up unpleasant memories for you, though. I don't want to put you through that because I can't sort out my issues.

I've spoken about them enough that it's not the wound that it was once. [ Leaning against him, she nods her head. ] Trust me. It might make things easier.

If I ask something too rude, you can tell me. I'm useless about this sort of thing.

I wouldn't even know how to be sure that the feeling I'm experiencing is love. I could be something else entirely.

How do you tell the difference?

It's not something that just happens, sometimes. It could be gradual.

[ Frowning, she stops in her stride, hesitating. ]

Sometimes it can be because you realise how scared you are of losing the other person. With Solas... I knew when I thought I was going to die after the avalanche at Haven. I was scared I'd never see him again, or that I'd miss hearing more of his stories, or that I might not be able to help him the way he'd helped me. It wasn't until we kissed in the Fade that I really knew I loved him, or at least that I was falling in love.

[Cyril can't help but remember that moment for himself. All he had been able to think about was the pain, the cold, and the stubborn desire he had to make it out alive - if only to spite the ancient creature that had set out to kill him.]

There are a lot of people I know I would miss terribly, but I don't know if that's love.

Dorian, for instance. When he told me he was going back to Tevinter, I felt like something was choking me. Then he did it again at the Exalted Council and gave me that stone to talk to him. It felt like a consolation prize.

You're close to him too, and I bet he did the same thing to you. How was that different?

It was awful when he told me, but I knew it was what was best for him. I also knew it wouldn't be the last time I'd see him.

[ Frowning, she tilts her head, considering for a moment. ]

I love Dorian, but as a friend. I want to keep him safe and I'd lay my life down for him, but it's not the same. I... It's like the idea of living without them feels like the worst thing in the world. That you want to spend all your time with them, that you feel like even your dreams are filled with them. In my case, it was literal.

[He can't help but agree about Dorian. Going back to his homeland and working to change it feels like something important. But that didn't make the loss of him being near hurt any less.]

I've felt that way about a few different men. I still do.

And does that frighten you?

More than I can say.

I'd rather face down another fear demon.

[ That, at least, makes her laugh softly. ]

I was scared too. After Solas I never imagined feeling that way about anyone. It was all encompassing, and losing him was the worst thing that has happened to me. Worse than the Anchor, worse than losing my arm. But loving him was a gift as well, and...

[ Turning, she looks at him properly. ]

I let that fear ruin what I had with Justice. I don't want you to let fear stop you from being happy.

[He stops with her and looks back at her. He doesn't want to pry into her personal life, but what she's saying does get to some of his own fears.]

So if you could redo things, you wouldn't let fear of losing Justice stop you from loving him?

I would do anything I could to make sure I didn't lose him. Fear should never have played a part in what I felt for him, and it wasn't fair of me to hurt him like that. If I could redo it I'd never let go of him, not for a moment.

[ And she looks pained as she says it, genuinely sad. ]

Loving someone... It means hurting them is far worse than being hurt yourself.

[He doesn't like that she's hurting and he wishes he could do something to help her, but this seems like the kind of burden that you can't shoulder off on someone else.]

That's another feeling I can relate to...

[ Slowly, she shakes her head. ]

Then perhaps it isn't me you should be talking to about it.

[He presses his lips together in thought.]

Right now, I'm certain you are the only person I can talk to about it. The thought of uttering it elsewhere is terrifying.

Then tell me all you can. I'm here to listen.

[He's quiet for a moment before he takes a breath to settle himself.]

Do you know Dorian and I have been sleeping with one another?

Dorian is my best friend, Cyril. I know everything that he's been doing.

[Cyril chuckles at that, amused more than anything at how matter of factly she said that.]

Yes, I had assumed you were aware.

When we started, well it was meant to be between friends. Casual. No emotions other than a general appreciation of one another.

I thought I could do it because he wasn't... Well, this is going to sound terrible, but he wasn't my Dorian. He wasn't the man who gave me this. [And he takes the sending crystal from his pocket, revealing that he has a habit of carrying it around even though it's been proven not to work here.]

But the more time I spend with him, the more time I realize how very wrong that idea was. He is Dorian, and everything I felt for him back home still applies here.

I don't want to lose what we have, but I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend it's all casual for me. There's a reason I never even kissed him back home.

I felt the same way. I tried to give my sending crystal back because I didn't think that it was right to have it, not when he wasn't the Dorian who knew me.

[ Leilani shakes her head, looking right at Cyril. ]

You should talk to him, lethallin. You should see where he stands, how he feels. I know Dorian isn't the kind of man to be able to ignore his own heart either.

I doubt his heart is very interested in me. [He says it before he can stop himself, already feeling that his defenses have been worn down and frayed.

He sighs after he hears the words in his voice though, and then reaches up to rub at his face, as if trying to get rid of a headache.]

Ugh, that sounded so selfish, didn't it?

Have you even given him a chance? [ Leilani frowns, crossing her arms over her chest.

If there's one person she is a touch overprotective of, at home and on the fleet, it's Dorian, and she's going to defend his corner as much as she feels like she needs to. ]

If you've never spoken to him about it or ever indicated your feelings might be changing how could he ever know?

[ Yes, she can be a hypocrite sometimes. ]

[He is never going to fault her for taking Dorian's side. He wants to take Dorian's side too. Those Lavellans are strong Dorian stans.]

I...

[He just doesn't really have a defense to that so he just sort of trails off. His mind is preoccupied with the thought that admitting feelings could drive Dorian away. He doesn't voice those fears. Somehow, whining about being abandoned by a lover just seems to childish when he's talking to her of all people.]