driftfleet | losing it hurt the first time

Entry tags:

losing it hurt the first time

Who: Undertaker and WHOEVER!
Broadcast: Video
Action: On the Goldstone, in the lab where Undertaker works
When: Naow

The loss of 20/20 vision had been a crippling thing when his life ended all that time ago and Undertaker found himself thrown to the mercies of the afterlife and what awaited him upon his suicide. No one needed to explain it to him then, but it was a form of control enacted by the gods, designed to keep everyone who followed those same footsteps in check. By degrading vision, something people relied on heavily, and giving them a singular means to correct it, the higher ups were assured that those under their employ would follow the rules.

Only they hadn't counted on Undertaker and what he did to bend those rules. Those first few weeks after his escape had been painful, to say the least. First with the injuries that led to his many scars, then to the headaches as he taught himself painstakingly to live without spectacles. Oh, it hadn't been easy, but it had all been necessary.

Now, it was necessary again, and all in the opposite direction. He was well aware of what he had been missing, forcing himself to cope with only half of the sight he should have had, and what he paid for in the wonders around him, he gained independence. Getting it all back, having his sight not only corrected, but improved, now that one hurt. He had tried to tolerate it, tried to fight through it. But it's quite clear to anyone who comes across him or views the footage that he's having a time of it.

Every few moments, he has to stop what he's doing and cover his eyes. This happens several times before he stops completely and feels his way to a seat in the lab and just sits there, face in both hands, and groans aloud where he thinks no one can hear him.

Poor him. If only he knew...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He sighs quietly and nestles into the pillowing under his head.]

It's strange, being the one cared for. I can't say I recall anything like it since I killed myself. [Maybe it's just the pain or that he's starting to feel a little relief from it, but he's feeling a little vulnerable, a little more willing to talk.]

Edited 2019-05-23 00:52 (UTC)

[Ciel watches him for a moment, gaze softening a little. It's not often he hears, or sees, Undertaker like this.]

Everyone needs someone to care for them. You have me now. Just like I have you.

And everyone in the fleet so far seems decent. If we ever both need help, I'm sure someone will.

[He has the cloth over his eyes still, and it's warmed with his skin, but he leaves it there, fingers from his free hand rubbing a bit of the pillow casing between his fingers.]

Is that so? You know, I stop to think about it every time I see you, but I don't think I've mentioned enough just how much you've changed, milord. Wasn't it a year ago? Two? We were, one of us at least, completely different people.

Changed-?

[He opens his mouth to deny it but stops with barely a breath coming out. And closes his mouth as he thinks back. He'd been so suspicious of Undertaker at first. But that felt like a lifetime ago.] Almost two years, I think?

[His cheeks turn a little red.] I guess I have. A bit.

[More than a bit.]

[There isn't any denying it. Undertaker won't let him.]

Give yourself more credit than that. If anyone who knew us then could see you now, it would be like day and night.

[Of course he won’t. Ciel is in good hands.]

I suppose it would be, wouldn’t it? Sebastian would be so cross, seeing how you’ve spoiled his meal. [There’s a soft laugh.] Tanaka might have a heart attack, seeing how easily I smile now.

[That gets a huff from him. No lost love there.]

Spoiled a meal never meant for him is what. [But he'll quiet himself after. That was his own fault and he knows it.] I'm glad though. I won't regret your smile now.

No. [None at all. Ciel doesn't expect otherwise.] He'd still think as much though. And it's all thanks to you.

[He won't be convinced otherwise.] I won't regret my smiles either. I had forgotten how nice it feels to smile. And be happy.

[He grins at that, a little more of the emotion behind it showing rather than his usual, plastered on for effect out of habit than anything.]

There, you see? It only took a few months, was it? A year? To get you to smile like that again? [He can't help it. He lifts the damp cloth and looks over at the boy where he knows Ciel is, risking another tweak of eye strain to see that smile again. Really see it.]

Look at that handsome young man. Who are you and whatever have you done with the Earl I knew?

[It’s nice seeing Undertaker smiling like that. Especially seeing how pained he is.]

You were more patient than I probably deserved but you still got me here. I’m glad you were. I feel better now, lighter. [He can’t help another laugh and shakes his head.]

You’re being generous about that. I’m not sure I’d call myself handsome. And you couldn’t be missing the abrasive noble I was.

Edited 2019-05-26 18:53 (UTC)

[He grins and hides his eyes under that cloth again, amused more than anything. And now that the pain is subsiding, he's starting to enjoy it a little more.]

Oh, you don't know much about me then, do you, milord? I don't miss how you once were, but anyway.

[Undertaker's relief is more important right now. And he can't help but smile as he watches him.]

I'm learning, the longer we're together. And I'm sure I'll learn more. [He'd hug him if he wasn't laying down.] I can't imagine anyone would miss the old me.

[It was all in good humor. He didn't have much that he wanted to tease the boy about these days, not where the past was concerned at least.]

Just as I'm learning you. I never really knew you either, did I?

[They get along too well anymore.]

No but you were always more worried about saving me and protecting me, I'm hardly surprised. And I didn't care to know anybody. I thought I was going to die, so there didn't seem to be any point. Why get attached?

[They really do, and he is perfectly okay with this.]

Oh, now, we're all going to die some day. You only knew with some certainty how that was going to happen until these other worlds came along.

I suppose so. [Undertaker would know best, even if he logically knows he will eventually.] I've certainly gotten a longer chance since we left England.

[He's certainly not looking forward to it any more than he was though. Before he would just... cease to exist, according to Sebastian. Now? He's sure his soul is still damned.]

[He has given that thought, even before they were pulled out of their home world and to Riverview for the first time. But then things shifted, the situation changed, and there with it came all of the opportunities and challenges. But so far, all he has seen are opportunities.]

Longer than we know. What is it you want these days, milord?

[So many opportunities. And he's still learning them all, finding things that make him happy and reminding himself, Undertaker reminding him, that he's allowed that happiness.]

Mhm. [He has to think about that one.] I'm not sure. I want a little house of our own again. I'm not sure what else yet.

[He'll wait as long as he has to for that answer. He's going to be here for a little while. But he does smile when he hears that, more than usual.]

I would agree with that. We need a home again, milord. If ever you want to leave the fleet to join one of these systems, I would be happy to follow you. You know that.

[If Undertaker wasn't resting, he'd go and wrap his arms around the man.]

I'm glad, nowhere would feel like home without you anymore. Maybe we'll find a planet we like soon, we'll find somewhere nice for a house. And room for a whole library of our own. A fireplace to curl in front of and cozy blankets.

[He's already feeling a little homesick for it.]

[Oh, he knows it, and he hears it. And it makes him hurt a little to just lie here and let the boy whine like that. So he sits up and pats a space on the bed beside him. Too bad they're not big enough for two people to stretch out on.]

Should I give you a pen and paper and let you start designing the floor plans?

[Whining? He objects, he wasn’t whining!

... well, maybe a little. He goes over to Undertaker when he sees that, hugging him tightly for a moment, letting out a soft laugh, and then giving a gentle poke.]

That could be fun but all I really care about is that you’re there. Nothing feels like home without you.

[He won't dare turn hugs away, not when Ciel wants them. The poke gets a little twitch.]

My lord is too kind. Still think we'll need floor plans though. Otherwise we'll be living in a cave in the woods somewhere and I can't say I'm too fond of that thought, even if I don't need anything so high class as what you had back home.

[For Undertaker, hugging has become a common occurrence. He likes the contact, these days.]

Hm... I suppose that would be rather uncomfortable, wouldn't it? A cozy little cottage would suit us better anyway. Can't leave me to plan it all though.

[He lifts a hand and scritches fingers through Ciel's hair, in awe of the individual strands that he can see now without having to bend closer. After a moment or two, there's the twinge behind his eyes again and he closes them.]

No? Do you really want my input on this, milord? You've seen my parlor and the way I decorate.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject