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serpentis) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
driftfleet2015-05-31 08:55 pm
serpentis) wrote in driftfleet2015-05-31 08:55 pm
Entry tags:
[closed] I won't try to change your mind
Who: Dorian and Fenris
Broadcast: NOPE
Action: SS Tourist
When: RIGHT MEOW, after their FITE.
[Dorian had given it a few days, and he avoided Fenris entirely. The truth was that Fenris's words had hurt, and they tangled in Dorian's heart like shards of glass.
For he understood that Fenris hated parts of him. And rightfully so. They had fought on it before but never this bad, and Dorian was realizing with a heavy heart that for as much as he loved Fenris, he would have to work at this.
And Dorian wasn't certain if it was worth it, to make Fenris carry the burden of being with him.
He finally made his way to the Tourist after several days of silence, and when he got to the armory, he nearly turned around and walked away. He nearly told himself to leave Fenris be, to just let him pretend that he didn't exist, to forget him.
So many other lovers had. What was one more?
But, in the end, he knocked, and his voice, in Tevene, was almost quiet.]
Are you in there? I've come to...talk.
[Which was just as hard to say as anything else, admitting that he wanted to try to make things work, or to give Fenris the opportunity to give Dorian closure. To do what Dorian had been expecting from the moment they first kissed.
To realize that Dorian wasn't good enough. Because he never was, to anyone.]
Broadcast: NOPE
Action: SS Tourist
When: RIGHT MEOW, after their FITE.
[Dorian had given it a few days, and he avoided Fenris entirely. The truth was that Fenris's words had hurt, and they tangled in Dorian's heart like shards of glass.
For he understood that Fenris hated parts of him. And rightfully so. They had fought on it before but never this bad, and Dorian was realizing with a heavy heart that for as much as he loved Fenris, he would have to work at this.
And Dorian wasn't certain if it was worth it, to make Fenris carry the burden of being with him.
He finally made his way to the Tourist after several days of silence, and when he got to the armory, he nearly turned around and walked away. He nearly told himself to leave Fenris be, to just let him pretend that he didn't exist, to forget him.
So many other lovers had. What was one more?
But, in the end, he knocked, and his voice, in Tevene, was almost quiet.]
Are you in there? I've come to...talk.
[Which was just as hard to say as anything else, admitting that he wanted to try to make things work, or to give Fenris the opportunity to give Dorian closure. To do what Dorian had been expecting from the moment they first kissed.
To realize that Dorian wasn't good enough. Because he never was, to anyone.]
no subject
Loving something meant he could get hurt. Reciprocated love meant he could hurt back, and he was an expert in making things hurt. In tearing and destroying like a rabid animal until there was nothing left of anything that got close to him. Thirteen years and he was still the beast Danarius had created him to be. He couldn't escape that. Not ever.
He heard the knock, Dorian's voice, and his heart sunk. The man had not used his sense and stayed away. He considered ignoring it completely, but knew that Dorian's persistence or his impatience would beat him at that game.
He opened to door carefully, his brow furrowed. He glanced over Dorian just once, before stepping out of the armory, heading towards his own quarters.]
Not here.
[He knew from Hawke's visit that their last argument was very obviously not private, he would rather have that privacy for this. Whatever it will be. He opened the hatch to his room and vanished down inside, leaving Dorian to decide if he wished to follow or not.]
no subject
And so he stepped inside. And he started to speak, because he couldn't keep himself from doing it, from filling the space with words.
He spoke with his hands, with his heart.]
Fenris...you and I, we...we come from almost different worlds. I can't change that. I wish that I could. I wish that I could go back in time, take us to a place where we would both have been free and safe, but not even I can do that.
At times, I...I worry that perhaps it's too far of a distance. You've suffered more than I can fathom, and I try to understand but it seems at times like perhaps I simply can't. I try, amatus, I do, but...
[He sighs, settling down on the bunk.]
This isn't easy, you and I. It's what I've wanted, desperately, for ages, but...I wonder sometimes if perhaps our differences are too great, if perhaps we should end things before they go too far, before we hate each other.
[Before they were forced apart by a sea of bitterness, of resentment.]
I don't want to, but...I don't know if we can make this work, at times. It's easier when we're blind to the things that kept us apart, in Thedas, when we can pretend that there's nothing between us. We spend so much time ignoring it, and...
[He looks down at his hands, at the black nails and gold rings that almost burn into his skin, thinking of how little Fenris had, and how much he did. And his vision wavers, as tears start in his eyes.
And sometimes it comes to him, the words of his father, Halward, begging him to take a slave to bed. And he feels it twist in his heart because is that all that he sees Fenris as? And he doubts himself, even as much as he knows he loves him as a free man, as an equal. And sometimes as a better.
His most significant other part of himself.]
...If you'd wish to end this, I would not blame you. I would be thankful for all you've given me. But many men have forgotten me.
[And then he smiles, and he laughs just once, a sad scoff, and tears fall down his cheeks, hot and leaving cold like ice in their wake.]
What would be one more?
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One could be forgiven for thinking he'd detached himself from the conversation entirely. That he'd just crawled into himself and awaited the inevitable. A part of him wished he could. That he could bury all of this and go back to being alone and miserable. It was safer for everyone involved.
He is aware Dorian is crying, and the urge to comfort rises, but remains unanswered. His fingers twitch, a silent desire to reach out, to hold him and hide all of this away again. Carry on as normal. He doesn't move, though, and is silent for a while after Dorian finishes speaking. When he does reply, he heaves out a long, heavy sigh. His words are carefully chosen and deliberate. He's aware he has a habit of speaking without thinking, and right now, he needs to avoid that. This conversation needs more consideration than that. ]
This will never be easy, Dorian. I am not an easy man to get close to, and the closer you get, the more difficult I am likely to become.
[He has paid the price of letting someone too close before. It's almost instinct, now, to kick and fight against it. To push away instead of embrace those who want him in their lives. Be it friendship or romance, he will never be anything but a challenge. He snaps and lashes out at those who care for him, like an animal caught in a trap. Frightened, unwilling and unable to truly let his guard down, always ready for the knife in his back. He is frankly amazed that not everyone has given up on him, yet. Perhaps one day, they all will.]
I won't ever agree with you on the state of Tevinter. I have seen the absolute worse of that place, and I can't find it in me to see it as a place worth saving. Every time I try, I remember the atrocities I have seen the magisters commit. What they have done for the sake of tradition and power. Your desire to reform them is admirable, and I would not stand in your way in your attempts, but I cannot stand behind you in such matters, either.
[And this was the main problem. The great chasm that lay between them, shaped by their very separate experiences of the same broken country. People could remain together with differences, but this... This is a difference of ideologies, and he's not sure if they can weather such a thing.
He exhales again, finally raising his head to look at Dorian.]
I love you, more fiercely than I have anyone. You make me feel that I can actually achieve something like happiness in this or any other blighted hole of a world. I don't want to end this.
[He pauses, exhales again, and sets his jaw.]
But if you want something simple and painless, that is something I cannot offer you. There will be many times when we will disagree, and I will lash out and fight back with little mercy. If I do not agree with you on something, I will fight you every step of the way. I am... difficult, and I will inevitably hurt you. It is how I am, and I am unapologetic about that. It's how I've survived, and I'm damned if I'll change that for anyone, even if I could. Not even for you.
[He moves from his leaning position, unfolding his arms. It's a less threatening posture, to be certain, but the main aim is to give Dorian access to the door. A way out.]
I would not hold a grudge, if you chose to leave. On the contrary, it would be the actions of a sane man. I cannot give you the contented romance you seek. I can only give you a tumultuous storm. You would be doing yourself a favour by leaving.
[He doesn't cry, but he never does. His face remains largely stoic, a mask against the world. Only those who know him well enough would see the small betrayals of his emotions, hiding in his features. A slight crinkle in the brow, the flare of a nostril for half a second, a twitch of his jaw. This was tearing him to pieces, inside, but he would not show it. Not now. ]
no subject
I don't know how things like this are supposed to work, and here I find myself having to choose between something that drove my steps for years, that made me fight, something that I believed in more deeply than anything else. Tevinter.
Between that and you, it seems.
[That was the crux of it. For as long as Dorian was Dorian Pavus, the scion of that bloodline, he and Fenris could never be.
How many years had he ached to let that go? To be his own man? How many years had he wished he could stand away from the shadow of a legacy his father prided more than his own son?
And here it was- a clear choice. Love, or Tevinter.
Which one was more precious to him? Which one was more important?]
If I must choose between the two...
[He took in a breath, his chest tight, and he met Fenris's eyes. He searched them for any reaction, any small betrayal of what he feels inside.]
I would choose you.
[He had ached for love for years, wanted it more desperately than everything else. And every time he thinks he can crawl back to Tevinter, to chain himself back to what was like a duty for many years, Fenris pulls him back.
That love was like an anchor, and now he wanted it to hold him down, to hold him here. To stand in the eye of the storm and not blink.
He took in a deep breath, and sat up, straightening his shoulders a bit.]
no subject
You cannot throw away what drives you for the sake of me. You're not being fair to yourself.
[His heart aches for it, though. To be someone's first choice in something, anything. To be considered the most important part of someone's life, without expectation nor possession. A selfish desire, in his eyes. Yet the thought of a life without Dorian in it hinges on the unbearable. But he equally can't expect Dorian to give up on everything. He needs to be sure this is truly what the man wants. ]
This isn't some whimsy you can just- just announce as if it is nothing. You would be giving up everything you've ever believed in for someone who will make your life exponentially more difficult.
[Dorian is right, though. When it's all laid out before them. It is a choice that has to be made, he can't keep both of them. Fenris just doesn't want Dorian to make a choice he'll regret one day. He doesn't want to be a regret. ]
It's the action of a madman.
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And he jokes, because it's easier.]
I thought you had set your mind on it long ago that all mages are mad, amatus.
[He closed his eyes, relaxing just a bit. He desperately wants to kiss him, but even he knows that he can't resolve this just by that. Maker's if only he could. How simple it would be, if he could.]
I've never been one you chose what it easy, never cared to walk the easy path. I choose what is right.
And that is you.
no subject
No.
[There's no anger in his tone, only a quiet sort of resignation. He doesn't want to fight this. Dorian makes him feel better than he has done for a long, long time. The fear remains, however. ]
Putting faith in changing Tevinter, however much I believe it is a foolish endeavour, would be the right choice. What I am is the selfish one.
no subject
[And Dorian knows that it is. And he knows that this won't be easy, and that it never will be.
And yes, he needs it like air. Like a many in a desert needs water.
His voice is honest, without warmth or heat.]
But I need this, I need you. More than many other things. This honesty... [He scoffs.] ...you bring it out in me, however much it pains me.
I am not a good man. I don't believe that I deserve anything. But I believe that I was meant to find you. I don't want anything easy. I never have. But I know I need you.
[Not just any man, he needs Fenris, in an odd way. They were like two complimentary chess pieces. Men in their own rights, but who fit together in a terribly odd way.]
no subject
[He knows that much is too true. He's too stubborn and guarded to do anything else. This wasn't the first time they fought and it certainly won't be the last. He could make Dorian's life a living nightmare, and he still finds it insanity the man would walk willingly into that. He releases Dorian's arms, his own dropping limply to his side. ]
But I need you, too. That much, I know with absolute certainty.
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Instead, he kisses him, hesitantly.]
Then we have each other.
[And he would trade that. Love, honest love. Not the kind they make stories about. Not the kind where everything is perfect and placid.
Their love is a wildfire, a chaotic storm like the kind that settled over Qarinus in the summers. Their love is torrential rain. It's lightning. It's thunderous emotion as their hearts race for each other.
Their love, for better or worse, is Tevene, every bit as the rest of them. It's hot, it's passionate, and it's difficult. It's a struggle, it's a constant battle to reconcile who they are and who they were.
But they love.]
no subject
[But he needs it. He needs that passion and insanity like he needs to breathe. Dorian makes him furious a great deal of the time, but he equally makes Fenris feel like his he wanted that he has a place in this world and is loved for the stubborn, vicious person he is.
It's madness indeed, and Fenris still doesn't know for certain if Dorian will one day come to his senses and regret the choice he has made today.
He pushes it aside, a worry for if that time comes or not. He steps closer, leaning up to return that kiss, just as hesitant, perhaps a little fearful. ]
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That's simply how it was. This was no placid water. The love was an ocean of churning waves that threatened to drown them both.
He pulls back to catch his breath, and he breathes the words quietly.]
Festis bei umo canavarum.
["You will be the death of me."
And he scoffs.]
no subject
And you will be mine.