☮ 004. ((audio))

[delincuente]

Who: Alex Russo and YOU
Broadcast: All over the place yo
Action: The bridge of the SS Paisley
When: 7/4

[It's Alex's first broadcast that doesn't have the Space Jam soundtrack in the background, what a surprise. People are going to start thinking she isn't annoying or something.]

Hey, so today's a totally big holiday back on Earth - the Fourth of July, aka Independence Day, aka every American's birthday. It's when we celebrate the anniversary of Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saving us from the alien invaders back in 1996. We eat phallic meat-byproduct foods and shoot off explosive to represent the crazy alien sky battles we witnessed on that fateful day.

Let's have a moment of silence for our fallen heroes.

Comments

[feathery]

hella popular
we are the antagonists of every high school movie
the cheerleader and jock combined
it gets even worse if you shelve earth and just take into account how many humans there are roaming around

[delincuente]

we are
i'm regina george
and you're lindsay lohan
but yeah dude humans are basically like termites
no telling where they actually started

[feathery]

the truth comes out
atroma didnt nab us on purpose at all
well they kidnapped the first guy
and then we just kept multiplying as proof they shoulda thought twice before bringing this infestation aboard
the claims of televised horseshit is just them trying to save face

[delincuente]

goddamn humans
you imprison a couple of us and we just keep breeding
it's like when your gerbils go missing
and when you finally find them in the basement
they've built a small army
totally speaking hypothetically here

[feathery]

were they magic gerbils in this hypothetical scenario

[delincuente]

no not magical
just really freaking horny
and really freaking fertile

[feathery]

somehow that really ramped up the nightmare fuel

[delincuente]

yeah i kind of regret that i had to type that sentence at all

[feathery]

were communications officers
which i cant actually type with a straight face because who the fuck hands out the title of officer like halloween candy
but yeah my point is were communications officers
lets just retcon that one right out of the broadcasts
retroactively scrambled

[delincuente]

retroactive scrambling initiated
and hey i'm captain now too
what i say goes
and i say that
any potentially embarrassing things i've said to you are henceforth
stricken from the record

i think i spelled henceforth right
i learned it from my british ex

[feathery]

looks right to me
and oh yeah i saw that
heard that?
whatever
i guess congrats are in order for your promotion
double captains all aboard the ss paisley

[delincuente]

yeah gotta have a huge party
double chocolate soylent green's on me

[feathery]

dude
for real
what the fuck are the jelly cubes masquerading as food even made of

[delincuente]

all anyone says is protein
and i slept through biology so
we could be eating like
frog mucus for all we know

i mean it still taste fine but

[feathery]

this is one of the incredibly rare fucking occasions where im glad i dont need to eat

[delincuente]

what
you don't
what?????

[feathery]

oh
uh like i can still eat and obviously do
its kind of a habit
but i dont HAVE to i guess it comes with the territory of being a sprite
former sprite
partial sprite?
i dunno man its a complete fucking mystery how i function at all
i am a mad scientists dream come true

[delincuente]

you totally are
we'll have to keep you away from crazy scientist dudes
trying to put you in a zoo or something
this just turned into a feel-good family alien flick

[feathery]

sure you can be the elliott to my e.t.
where are my reeses pieces

[delincuente]

we'll have to make some out of protein paste
i hope you can fit in my bike basket
you might have to like
fly behind me

[feathery]

i can do that
like a human sized bird balloon
ill get a blanket cape for extra authenticity
i already got the ghost part down pat

[delincuente]

it's a plan
continue the education of this miserable dimension to the wonders of 80s and 90s america
enlighten them with your blanket cape good sir

[feathery]

fuck yes
ill be the blanket packing douche from the nearest halloween space shop
maybe bring along a frankenstein mask for good measure
actually maybe i can ask someone in the audience for that
do you think atroma does dramatic reenactments of our written horseshit or do they just force the audience to read it
in the case of the latter
lmao
who the hell would ever read a bunch of teenagers texting
or former teenagers sorry

[delincuente]

hey teenageerhood is a state of mind
i still look like i'm fresh off my quinceanera
nothing about me feels adult you know
and idk man i kind of hope there's some asshole tv host out there
trying to decipher 21st century textspeak

[feathery]

im going to guess thats a fancy way of saying 15
but yeah
motherfucker would deserve it
makes me feel like i should ramp up the leetspeak
only then id be indistinguishable from one of those shitty trolls so pass