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(no subject)

Who: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Broadcast: Text
Action: Iskaulit
When: Jan 30th

A: TEXT

I think it's time I retire from teaching for a while.

I don't suppose anyone knows a decent way to pass the time?

B: ACTION

[ When Stefan announced the prayer room, a quiet place for meditation, Obi-Wan had been thrilled. While he enjoyed and cared for the Huntress, quiet is not something they are known for. After talking to Anakin, he knew he was in dire need of quiet and inner peace

He does not regret ( he can not regret )

And yet.

In a way he had envisioned as a child, it had always been Master and Padawan, together. Even when separate, they fought together, learned together, believed in each other. But Qui-Gon died all too soon, and for so long, Obi-Wan threw his hands up against tradition. When Yoda told him to be Anakin's master, he chose to be Anakin's friend. He did not caution against attachment, only warned where it might lead.

He breathes heavily, his legs folded on the mat. It's not working. The Force is still too quiet, too alien at this moment. It doesn't understand his sorrow.

Obi-Wan chuckles, opening his eyes and pushing his hair back. It should be used to that by now.

Looking down at his hands, he's quiet when he speaks. ]

Please help me.

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[Cole watches, his gaunt face soft and nothing like judgment in his gaze. He knows, and that is simply all. It is not his place to judge something so personal as this.]

You love him. You did everything to protect, to love, to not hurt. That matters. Now, back then and in the future, that why will matter.

[ His fingers grip his pants tightly, fingers digging in. This is coming too close - too close to what he keeps hidden, what he doesn't let people see.

He's a failure as a Jedi. ]

He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know. If he has a future then . . . that's enough. I don't want anything else.

Yes. It is enough.

[Cole reaches out slow, telegraphing his intention to lay his hand on Obi-Wan's. His fingers are long, his nails dirty with black paint and he has calluses that clearly come from handling weapons.]

When I died, it was awful, but knowing that someone had cared, that changed everything. Caring does change the world, for the better. It has never been your love and care that has made things happen how they do.

[ Hearing that was like a benediction. His shoulders slump and no more apologies fill his head. I trained him the best I could, he had told Qui-Gon or what appeared as Qui-Gon.

He did what he could. Now he'll have to do more. ]

You have an uncanny ability to perceive one's heart.

[Cole lays his hand over Obi-Wan's and just rests it there.]

I am Compassion. You needed me, so I came. And you need to know that your compassion has never been wrong.

[ He shoots him a wry smile. ]

Well. I knew that part.

[ And he did. He doesn't doubt reaching out. Even when things got awful, when people died for it, he did not doubt loving them. ]

Sometimes even the smallest doubt can shake the greatest belief.

Sometimes, even if you know something, it feels better to hear someone else say it and mean it.

[Cole is watching the ground in front of them now, but his hand is still there.]

[ Does it? He pictures if Yoda had said those words. How reassuring it might have felt. ]

What do you see?

[Cole hums softly.]

Hurts. Memories. Connections, threads and tangles and knots and knocks. I see him, that first deep hurt, long, long hair sweeping over the ground and my lap as the injury takes him.

[He takes a slow breath.]

The way the feel about you, you feel about them, it makes a shape my eyes can't see but I can.

[ That's not a positive image. Granted, he's seen worse. ]

That seems like an impressive and painful power to hold. Jedi can perceive what lurks in one's hearts and minds, but . . . not the way you do it. For you, it is the same as your own.

It's what I am. I am Compassion.

Most people call my Cole, though.

I feel it like they do. You do. I have to feel it, know it, if I'm going to help it.

[ He pulls his hand away gently, not to show reproach. ]

That's not an easy burden to bear. Are you on your own?

[ At least he had the Jedi to help him shoulder it. ]

[Cole drops his hands back into his own lap and starts idly tracing patterns on his pants.]

No. You're here.

[He's not making a joke. He can be a very literal creature.]

[ He cracks a genuine wistful smile. He's been spending too much time thinking about his hurts when he should have been focusing on others. ]

I am here. If you need me.

Thank you. But I don't know how to need people.

Well, if it helps . . . neither do I.

[ All he knows is how to let them go or watch them die. ]

Is it something you would like to know?

I thought I needed Rhys, but I didn't. I lived without him. I don't know if I want to know it.

[Cole doesn't know how to reach out for help. He doesn't know how to recognise when he needs help.]

[ He exhales a breath he did not know he was holding. He was already attached to many people. Anakin, Ahsoka . . . Satine.

He's not done. And the Force is not yet done with him. It's both a bitter and a welcome realization. ]

I can understand. I understand it a little too well.

When I first came to this world, the physical world, no one could see me. I was so alone it hurt and then Rhys could see me. He could talk to me and hear me and hold me when I was scared of myself.

He's gone now. I thought I couldn't live with him gone, but I did. I lived and I grew.

Their love? It gives you the strength you have. Having no attachments leaves you cold, numb. Detached from what matters.

Perhaps I prefer it.

[ He abruptly stands up. Pacing has never been one of his habits. Anakin was one with nervous energy to burn, but he felt he had to move and keep moving if he is to outpace his own thoughts.

Love. Obi-Wan can't think about love. Love was tearing Anakin apart and he had to deepen the wound.

Remember, my dear Obi-Wan . . .

He stops abruptly. What was he doing? Trying to run into walls he already knew of? ]

I have been too dearly loved. Too many have paid for it.

Edited 2016-02-01 09:39 (UTC)

[Cole stays where he is, sitting on the ground and tilting his head up to watch Obi-Wan.]

You can't make good decisions without love. Because their happiness and safety wouldn't matter much if you didn't love.

You can't say anyone loved you too much. They loved you as much as they wanted to and you can't decide for them if that's too much or not enough. All you can do it accept that they think you're worth that love.

Like you think they're worth yours.

[ No, he could not. And wasn't that the crux of his discussion with Sasuke? That they're more than parts of him. They're stronger people who he had been lucky to know.

They were not the sum of Obi-Wan Kenobi, to be relegated as doubts and regrets. ]

I am a Jedi. I come to serve.

[ He sighs, sitting down once again, leaning his head against the wall. ]

I chose the life of my padawan over the Order. To say I have no attachments is a lie. To say I do not love is a lie. I follow the Code. I am not ruled by it or love. I chose to be obedient.

But I've been restricting their choices out of fear.

[ Fear leads to doubt and suffering. It's a miracle he hasn't made a magical jump to the Dark Side with all this stewing and brewing. ]

But I want this.

[ He just wants Anakin to live. ]

[Cole shuffles around to face Obi-Wan, but doesn't come close to him again. Obi-Wan will come closer he wants to.]

The order isn't a thing, not like a person. Like the Inquisition. "The Inquisition needs more lyrium."

[The voice is someone else's accent and inflections, mimicked very closely.]

But it doesn't. It isn't a thing. It doesn't need anything. It's not real, not like people, like animals.

Fear isn't bad. We fear for a reason. It's when we act out of fear and without compassion that it's bad. You fear for them, because you love them and you didn't feel that way, you wouldn't be a mortal as I know them.

[ He closes his eyes, tired. In a quiet voice. ]

You sound like my Master.

[Cole blinks and tilts his head.]

Is that good?