Video

[killedwithlove]

Who: Cole
Broadcast: Fleetwide (because he doesn't get the 'private' setting)
Action: A shuttle from the Pathstone which is currently out on its own
When: Two days after this broadcast and minutes after this exchange on the Red Fish.

OOC: This post has potential cw: self harm, suicide, murder, and other self destructive things. Please use discretion.

[The broadcast shows Cole's face, too close to the camera, tear streaked and eyes red rimmed and looking the very model of misery and distress. His voice is a cracked whisper.]

Fenris? I need to see you. I need you to do what Cassandra would've and I know you will. Can.

Comments

[bryces_pup]

Understandable. I'm... not entirely sure what you went through, but it sounded awful.

[She takes a seat next to him, though keeps out of arm's reach, as to not overcrowd him.]

Doesn't seem cold in here. You look more terrified than freezing.

[killedwithlove]

He said he could kill me if I was a demon, and we met and when I saw him it was pain and suffering, it was a screaming abyss that tore apart everything, that burned and boiled and bleeding is never enough, even the blood of a severed tongue wasn't pain enough, it never ends, I suffer, I've always suffered and I deserve it, I deserve to hurt endlessly...

[He wraps his arms around his head, rocking back and forth.]

I just wanted to help. I wanted to end it. He wanted me to help him but he wanted to suffer more. I tried to kill him. I would've if he hadn't wanted the pain more.

[bryces_pup]

[Hoo boy. That sounds... yeah, that sounds bad.]

So you got into someone's head, someone who's obviously in a very bad place. [Her eyes softened as she reached out a hand towards Cole. Whether or not he takes it is entirely his choice.]

I don't think there's much helping that sort of person. Sometimes the only person who can help us is ourselves. You tried but it was too much, and that's okay. You have to try and distance yourself from it.

[killedwithlove]

He wants to suffer more than the pain in his head. He wants it to end. I want to help. I tried to help, but the wrong way, the awful way, I promised not to kill but I would've.

[He buried his face in his knees more.]

I'm dangerous. I could be a demon. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to kill people, but I do, I kill them.

[bryces_pup]

You wanted to put him out of his misery. That's not always wrong.

[She lowers her hand but shifts a little closer.]

But you didn't, Cole. You didn't kill him, you stopped yourself. If you were really becoming a demon, you would have gone through with it. You would have killed him, and you might have even liked it. The fact that the thought scares you says a lot.

[killedwithlove]

I caused frost.

[And he knows as well as she does, that that is a Despair demon trait. But, in many ways, he's not really listening to her. He's too panicked.]

He wanted to stay alive and suffer more than he wanted peace.

[bryces_pup]

So you came close. But I don't feel it now.

[Yes, it's becoming clear that Cole is too entrenched in his experience. Riona falls silent for a moment while she tries to think this through. She'd really rather not have to kill him. She doesn't want another heavy decision to weigh on her. They've done that enough lately.]

Cole, listen to me. You can read minds, right? Would it help if you ... in another mind for a little bit? See and feel something better?

[This may not even work, but she'll try, for his sake. Pull on happier memories, ones filled with compassion and goodness. Something else to occupy his mind for a little bit and maybe help pull him out of this pit of despair.]

[killedwithlove]

[He looks up at the reading minds comment. He doesn't read minds, he knows souls, he feels aches and hurts and he knows how to fix them but that seems like a lot to explain. He's tired with explaining.

He's tired and scared and he wants Jove.

But... he reaches out with his gaze, because Riona cares and that calls to him. He still has that instinctive flinch from the Blight in her, but her compassion draws him out of his tight, tight curl.]

You're a good Queen. You care. That matters. I told Alistair he did well in my time. He was a well liked king.

[bryces_pup]

[What he says about her she more or less brushes off. Not because his words mean nothing. It's just that she hasn't been Queen long; who knows how she'll shape up or what she'll do. But the bit about Alistair brings a smile out.]

Did you? Thank you, for telling him that. I knew he would be, but I... suspect he has a lot of doubts.

[killedwithlove]

It's the truth. In my time, he's well liked as king. His scribes are very fond of him, they tease him a lot.

[He hugs his knees more, rocking back and forth.]

I want Jove...

[bryces_pup]

I expected no less.

[Riona holds out her hand to him again, a gesture of support.]

She is gone, isn't she? I am not her, but I will do what I can to help.

[killedwithlove]

She and Solas and Elly all left two days ago.

[He looks at her hand and then hesitantly reaches back. His fingers are thin and cool but strong when they finally touch hers and curl on them. And the cold is just skin cold, not anything inhuman.]

[bryces_pup]

[Her hand gently squeezes his back.]

I am sorry. Do you have other friends here in the fleet? [Hopefully he is not alone.

Meanwhile, she thinks of a good memory, one of compassion and happiness. Something to keep Cole from sliding back into what he felt when he ran into whoever it was. She thinks of Sten and letting him out of that cage. So many decisions she questions, but that is one she is sure was the right thing to do. And of course, thinking of Sten reminds her of his love of cookies - the two will always be connected to her. And then her memory jumps to when they found his sword, Asala. That had been the first time she saw a genuine smile out of him.]

[killedwithlove]

[He shrugs a little. He has friends, maybe, but no one he's really close to. Not left. There was Dorian, but he's gone. Cassandra, also gone. Varric is Varric, but not his Varric, and Cole mostly avoids looking for him because he's Fenris' friend first and Fenris deserves a space free of Cole.

There's others he helped, spent some time with, but he doesn't know if they're friends.]

Um.. Mikleo and Sorey? They both said they're my friend.

[bryces_pup]

That's good. I'm sure they'd help you too. But if you want, I can be your friend as well.

[For whatever it's worth. She can't replace Jove or Solas or Elly, but she can at least offer to be there to help.]

[killedwithlove]

Mikleo wants to purify me. He thinks that takes the bad away, but sometimes the bad isn't corruption. It's just nature.

[bryces_pup]

Purify? I don't think you can purify emotions like that. And anyway, that's no way to deal with them. It's something you have to learn to work through.

[killedwithlove]

No. I didn't think so either. They called it Malevolence, but there's no Malevolence, just Despair and Mercy and Cole.

[bryces_pup]

And Cole is nowhere near Despair.

[Yep, that's her prognosis.]

You seem all right. Scared, and panicky, but not... demon-y. It sounds like you might have gotten close, but you managed to pull yourself back. And that says a lot.

[killedwithlove]

[He looks up at her, almost hopeful.]

You... think so? Not at all a bit demon now?

[bryces_pup]

Nope. I just see a scared young man who came into contact with someone who is... not well. And might I suggest strongly that you avoid this person in the future?

[killedwithlove]

I don't know how to help him. I can't help that much pain. I can't-

[He buries his face in his knees again.]

[bryces_pup]

Shh, shh. Cole, come back. Don't go back there. [Another memory: Schmooples, the nug she gave Leliana. The way her face lit up when she first petted him, and how he snuffled when she did. Just something else for Cole to latch onto than what he went through with Coil.] You cannot help everyone. Some are just... too far gone. Let him be. You need to take care of yourself, too.

[killedwithlove]

[He does seem to latch onto it, his hand moving as if to stroke a nug that isn't in his lap.]

I like nugs. Nugs are easy to make happy.

I don't know how to take care of me.

[bryces_pup]

They're sweet little things, aren't they? Schmooples was, at any rate.

[She sighs softly.]

Know your limits. If something is too much for you to handle, accept that and step back. You're only one person. You can only do so much.

[...gosh Riona, sounds like something YOU should be doing, too.]