driftfleet | Tourist, May I?

[Maybe not unstoppable. They did stop Apocalypse. They just got a much worse enemy in his place—her mentor. The deck feels so completely stacked against them some days.

She meets his gaze and for a moment she can't remember ever asking him not to say such a thing. But she did. Of course she did. Because the thought of that moment on the ferris wheel with Reid when he invited her to his world and how...wanted she felt then. And how later he told her he just couldn't do this anymore. Couldn't be her lover, her partner, or even her friend. He didn't want her in any part of his life and while he never exactly retracted the offer she was sure it wasn't on the table anymore. At least not with him as part of it. The rejection hurt, not the failure to make it happen. She was never sure she could expect it to really happen, but that wasn't completely in their hands.]

I know you aren't. [Well, maybe she didn't know exactly. Even in this moment she doesn't believe he'd choose her over his life back home if it came to that, but she probably wouldn't want him to—not fully at least.] I love you. [She slips closer to wrap her arms around him.] I haven't been very good with the future for awhile, but you make right now so much better for me.

[ it never ends, does it? defeat one enemy, and the next one is already there to pick up the mantle. the black mercy came so close to defeating them, to take kara away, and what could any of them hope to do without her? yeah, there's superman, but he has a whole world to take care of, and metropolis has its own problems. but she came out on top, and he has to believe they always will. otherwise, they'll never be able to do anything at all.

his eyes mirror how earnestly he does mean it. it's true, nobody knows what they'll actually do in any given situation until they're there, but right now, he can't think of anything he wouldn't give up to stay at kitty's side. kara's right - you can't be a third wheel forever, and that's what life has in store for him in national city. he'd miss kara with a burning that will never subside, he'd miss his tech, his work, the thrill of helping kara take down the bad guys, he'd miss movie nights, and game nights, he'd miss a lot. but kitty loves him, and he'd miss that more. ]

I love you too.

[ he holds her tight. ] Baby steps. Start with the now, we'll work our way up to the future.

I wanted to quit the team once. Back home. [Just holding on to him, face tucked in against his neck but not so much that it's muffling her words.] It was after Piotr was well enough to go back out into the field. But he couldn't. He couldn't handle the battles anymore. He just sat there while the fighting happened around him. He couldn't stay like that, and I just wanted to go off with him somewhere. Try to find some relatively safe place and just be with him. Maybe do something really stupid like start a family. [So young to want children, but she'd done everything so young. But what a terrible world to bring them into.] Erik convinced us to train the next generation of mutants instead.

[Sometimes she wonders what it would have been like if they had left. Would Apocalypse's forces have found them? Would they have gotten bored? Would things have self destructed between them more quickly and maybe less deadly? ...Would they have been happy? It doesn't matter now. There's no going back, but every time she finds herself choosing to stand and fight and maybe she shouldn't. Maybe she should choose herself. Whatever that means for her. Maybe it means her and Winn just focusing on their relationship. But if history tells us anything she'll choose the fight.]

[ he holds her protectively, wishing his arms could shield her from the world, from whatever's to come if they ever make actual progress against atroma. he knows they can't, his arms could barely shield her from a slap - but the desire is still there.

what would it have been like? would she have survived? would she still be with him? or would she have died far away from everyone who loved her? what ifs are good for nothing but madness, but they're almost impossible to resist.

he knows one thing for sure - he can't ask her to fight. if anything happened to her again - he would never be able to live with himself. there won't be any escaping this fight - they're bound to the fleet, and a spaceship doesn't come equipped with a whole lot of hiding places - and he's not going to stop seeking it out - he can't, as long as they're stuck here, they could be ripped away from each other, and kara's torn away from everyone she loves. he can't leave that alone. but maybe they could fortify a command center, stay there together, spearhead the cyber attack.

he strokes her hair as he listens, wishing that at the end of this -- he'll be able to give her the peace she craves and deserves. ]

You should remember your girlfriend isn't a telepath and say more words. [Before their conversation about the anger he holds inside she wouldn't have pressed him. She would have been content in his arms to accept his affection and support. But now? Now, she's concerned he's holding back when he falls silent. Asking seems better than guessing for herself.]

[ it's generally a safe bet, his instincts to hold back are pretty strong.

he's quiet for a moment longer before he finds his voice. ]

Address Space Layout Randomization, Binary Search Tree, Database Query Language -

[ he tries for a smile; it's a dumb joke, but it buys him some time to think up an actual response. ]

Also remember your girlfriend can phase into your skull and crush the blood vessels in your brain. [Her humor goes a little dark sometimes. It's not a real threat!]

Remember I need those to make that Frisbee. And the yo-yo after that, and there definitely won't be any pizza planting without steady brain blood supply -

[ he trusts her way too much to take it as anything but a joke. ]

Oh, right. You're not actually making me a bunch of toys are you? [This is without even thinking about how it might be weird that it's toys considering your father.] I think one big romantic gesture is enough to buy you some time. Also, I'm pretty sure you're trying to actually distract me here, so...is something wrong?

[ we don't talk about that. ]

I don't make toys, I make adult collectibles.

[ you play with them, winn, that makes them toys.

but he sighs, and opts for honesty at last. ]

I just...don't know what to say.

[ that he's sorry, that he wishes she could have stopped fighting? it doesn't seem like enough. that he'd keep her out of it this time around? he can't make that promise, that's not in his hands and besides - kitty's a hero. they don't tend to stay behind, no matter how hard things get. that he's actually kinda freaked out by kids? (things went alright with carter - right until the point where he bolted to find supergirl and almost got himself killed. he's much more qualified to take care of a goldfish, ok) they really don't need this conversation right now, get back to national city first - figure out life goals second. ]

[She pulls back to look at him.] Are you worried about saying the wrong things around me? [Because she doubts that it's a lack of thought. And she's probably making too much of this one moment, but it isn't the only moment he's been quiet and he did admit he'd been feeling more and hiding it, right? Is she crazy here or is there something?]

I don't want you to worry about that. I'm not going to just leave you if we argue or something. I wouldn't do that.

It's not that -

[ he shakes his head with a small smile. even he's not that insecure. ] I just wanna say the right things around you. [ she deserves the best and he's never going to be that, but at the very least she should get the best that he's got. and he also wants to impress her, wants to be someone she can count on to comfort her, someone smooth and funny and cool and...not him.

so much honesty is hard on him, joke after joke flash through his mind, but he shoots them down, because they're not what a better man would say. ]

Cuz I love you, I wanna be better for you.

I love you right now. Today. The man you are. Don't hide him from me until you decide he's out of beta. [Points for that reference?] That's not fair to either of us.

Besides, I say the wrong things like half the time or more, and I'm not going to be able to shut up until that changes.

[ she gets so many points for that, in the form of a smile, and one of those confesions. ]

-- I'm really bad with kids. As in, last time I babysat, the kid ran off and ended up in the middle of a train-blowy villainous plot, and had to be rescued by Kara.

[She appreciates this. She also doesn't even mind that he's not so keen on the idea because it's a hard one for her too.]

Part of me wants to have kids probably because...family, you know? [She lost hers and she's always trying to build up a new one.] And part of me is terrified by the thought. Because what kind of life can I give anyone? I've failed everyone who has ever counted on me.

[It's not true. Not really. She's saved plenty of lives, but when she says this she's thinking first of her parents. It was never her job to protect them and she was young and untrained and against overwhelming odds. It was a miracle she got away. There was no way she could have saved them. Not without running away the moment she learned what she was and even then that doesn't mean they would have survived the culling. Then she thinks of her students. They all knew the mission was beyond dangerous. They could have all died, and she desperately wanted to go back for them, but she had Illyana—the objective—a person she did save. Colossus convinced her to protect his sister and complete the mission and he'd go back. She trusted him to do that. He didn't. And then there's MarinaNova, the prison. She was trying to save them all by getting them home. Instead, she abandoned them even if it wasn't her choice. Now she's here with a sweet boyfriend and they're...they're still stuck. It's not a track record she's proud of and she beats herself up for it.]

[ he entwines their fingers, giving her hand a little squeeze. it's not that he's set against ever having a family, but he didn't exactly have the best role models to emulate here, and it's scary. he's been so thoroughly let down by his parents, he can't take the thought of putting his own kids through anything even remotely like that.

no one can mess you up more than your parents, and he doesn't want to mess anyone up. ]

I count on you, and you haven't failed me.

[ he waits until she looks him in the eye to continue. ]

Kitty for most of my life I've been afraid that I might be crazy and not know it yet. Thanks to you, for the first time ever, I'm convinced that right now? I'm not.

[She returns the squeeze and leans in to kiss him softly. She doesn't want to throw them off track from talking back to the relatively easy and always fun world of being physically affectionate, but she can't help herself.] I hope I never do. [Because it would mean losing him.]

And I think you have one of the most beautiful minds I know, Winn Schott. I really do.

[ he returns the kiss, and strokes the side of her hand with his thumb. ]

I'm sure you never will. [ if anyone is like to screw up in this relationship - it's him, not her. ]

Just never look at the CT scans, it's not very photogenic.

Did you have scans taken? [Sure, it could just be a joke, but if he's this concerned maybe he did try to get it checked out.]

Also, if there was a really weird coincidence in all this would you want to know?

-- I took a few blows to the head as a kid.

[ trying to shrug it off, before tilting his head. ]

What really weird coincidence? [ that's a yes. ]

Um... Reid's mom was a paranoid schizophrenic. She wasn't dangerous or anything. People get that wrong a lot of the time. She just couldn't care for herself. But it's hereditary and he was always afraid he couldn't trust his mind too. That it would turn on him someday. [Weirdly specific type?]

I don't think it means anything. It just comes to mind sometimes when you mention it and then if I don't say it I feel like I'm hiding something and it doesn't need to be hidden, but I feel weird now because it sounds like I'm making a big deal out of it, doesn't it?

[ ok -- trying to wrap his mind around this new information. it's not that big of a coincidence, right, mental health problems are fairly common, and it's a completely different condition they're dealing with - one is a paranoid schizophrenic, the other is a dangerous murderer who completely lost sight of the difference between right and wrong.

then why is he suddenly uneasy? maybe because it feels a little bit like he's falling into a 'reid 2.0' slot instead of 'beta winn'. on the one hand - it's hard not to feel like the shadow of her ex isn't joining that of his father to haunt him in the list of people he's uncomfortably similar to. on the other - hey, he dodged further cat scan questions? ]

That is...some coincidence. Is he a computer genius too? Do we need the goosebumps theme?

Um...no. He doesn't really like tech. He's kind of an analog guy. [She pauses and there's a big "but" in the air.]

He is a genius though. [And he's just fine with computers when he needs to be.]

And he wears a lot of cardigans. And that's it. Just those things. Everything else is different. [As far as she knows so far.]

And maybe the lack of confidence with relationships.

[ his cardigan is one of the only things he has from home, and still he finds himself considering burning it or at the very least - shoving it to the back of his closet and never wearing it again.

he tries to be cool when she mentions reid - the man was a huge part of her life, and recently, and she needs to be able to talk about him. but right now, he's just feeling like a very uncomfortable poor man's reid replacement.

just those things. just his biggest fear, his smarts, the way he dresses, and the way he approaches relationships. oh, is that all? is there anything else left, he wonders bitterly. is that why she's with him?

everything he says, everything he does, now whether it's the right thing is not his only concern. would reid say that? would reid do that? when she smiles and kisses him and says she loves him - is it memories of reid spurring her on? ]

So, not a punner.

No. [Okay, now she's really worried about what he might be holding back. It was stupid to tell him any of that, wasn't it.] It probably sounds like a lot, but it isn't. You're very different.

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