driftfleet | may mingle (blameless!)

Do you think it bothers me? [ Raven holds him close, letting him rest against her neck and wrapping her arm around him, her hand smoothing against his hair gently. When she speaks her voice is soft, gentle, the way it always is when it comes to his mutation and her beaming, impossible pride in him. ] I know that it's harder, when you get - what did you say before? Worked up? It's who you are, Hank, and it's not something that upsets me. [ In fact, it's something that makes her fuzzy with pride, knowing that it's part of who he is and he's learning to come to terms with it. It won't be easy, but they can try and work on it together. ] We can even go slowly, if you like.

[ There are ways to be intimate that aren't 'going all the way', as the kids in school used to call it, and Raven doesn't mind sharing that with Hank too. She sees no reason why they can't feel it out together, discover what it means to be that close when it's just the two of them.

Her arms tighten around him ever so slightly and she holds him closer, closing her eyes and leaning into him. ] It sounds like we have a pretty good plan, doesn't it?

I know it doesn't bother you. [and that - helps. It helps so much, that he can just be with her, without all the usual worries that come with that. He's still mumbling all his responses into her neck, because it's embarrassing and so very personal and - between them] Worked up, animal urges - I'm not - actually a beast. [and that comes out the most petulant of all. He can hear Alex laughing in the back of his mind at how appropriate it is] We'll - figure it out. I just - bear with me.

[that's all he can really say, any more and he feels like he might explode or give in to the urge to hide somewhere until he clears his mind of all of that.

he leans into her, some of the tension melting, and he finally sighs out] It's a good plan. [they have a plan, and it's an amazing one] When do you want to . . . ?

Good. [ Raven doesn't mind him talking into her skin, either, because it's what lets him be comfortable. Her hand moves to stroke along his back gently, soothing and sure, and all worries about being interrupted or privacy fade away - this is a personal moment, but it's not as indecent as the one before. Her head turns to kiss the top of his head and she smiles, closing her eyes. ] I know you're not actually - it's just a nickname. You're Hank, and that's what matters.

[ Screw Alex and screw the rest of the world that made Hank think, for a second, that he wasn't amazing just as he was, the same world that had left her aching and hurting for so long. She holds on to him tighter, pressing her face into his hair and not wanting to let go. ]

We could do it tomorrow, maybe? Then we have a whole day together before we leave this place. We can just go and have fun. [ She hasn't had much fun since she woke up here and she feels like she needs it before she loses her mind. ]

It is a nickname now, isn't it. [he huffs a little at the thought, but it isn't as petulant as before. Since home, he's been called it a few times, and even back there Logan had called him that a few times, too. He couldn't argue and say it was a once upon a time code name] But - I know. I'm just being - sulky about it.

[but he likes this, her comforting him and him seeking comfort in her. He doesn't want to move and doesn't try to, and with this - it's a private moment, but it's less - indecent. If someone walks in on them like this, he could care less]

Mm, tomorrow's fine. [he can't help but tease her a little bit] You say that as if we don't spend most of the day together already.

We're not secret agents anymore, are we? [ It had all been fun and games and then Shaw had turned up and destroyed the brief moment of happiness that had enveloped them. It was easier to just ignore those memories and focus on the present, the warmth of Hank in her arms and the way she keeps comforting him, letting herself explore his body with her hands in gentle, soothing motions, resting her cheek against him without hesitation. She feels nothing but want for the man in her arms and, hopefully, he'll begin to see it too.

The idea of being able to go out and spend time together before they go back to privacy, pure and perfect privacy, feels like something incredible that she doesn't quite deserve. Whatever happens, she thinks, it's going to be amazing; it'll be her first time having a date with someone and the first time she's spending time knowing what was happening between them, no doubts and no concerns.

Leaning back, though, she nudges his shoulder with a huff. ] I can leave, if you want - [ And she pretends to move back, shifting her leg ever so slightly. ]

Well - no, but it's - one thing if you call me that and another when everyone else does. [he doesn't want to think too hard about that, and he's happy to put it in the back of his mind. He's dwelled so much on it that he isn't going to let himself now] I didn't know it stuck after - that, until Logan brought it up.

[she tries to lean back and - he doesn't let her. He tightens his arms to draw her back to where she was, huffing in return] That wasn't a complaint. [he finally lifts his head to look at her] And I don't want you to leave.

I think it's different for me. Mystique is who I have to be, because sometimes it's too hard to be Raven. No one called me that when I was with the others anyway - it was always just Mystique. Only you, Charles and Erik ever use my name. [ Which she doesn't mind all that much. Let the rest of the world see Mystique, the mutant that won't stand for her people being abused. Let her family see her heart, broken and tattered and needing to be fixed.

She does manage to fight her laugh when he pulls her close again, though, leaning in to press a gentle kiss against his mouth. ] I wasn't actually going to leave. [ Her smile softens, and she kisses him again. ] I don't want to go.

[he lifts a hand to cup her cheek, thumb brushing across the skin] That's because you've always been Raven to me. [when she wasn't here and he spoke to the other Mystique, he had asked first - and stuck with the nickname when she answered, because calling her otherwise would be too hard.

He kisses her back, smiling into it each time, and his arm relaxes, but stays around her] Well - good. I'm glad we're in agreement.

[ She doesn't mind being just Raven to him, and her features soften before she nods her head. Tilting herself up all she can do is hold on to Hank, enjoying his warmth and the steady comfort of being in his arms. ] It used to annoy me, but when it's you... It's nice. I don't think it would sound right to call me 'Mystique' while we're making out, would it?

[ The kisses are lovely, and Raven knows she's never going to get tired of how it feels to be in his arms. ] Should I tell you other things I like? The other things you do that I enjoy, other than just being here?

Mm, no. [he laughs a little, a huff of noise] It'd be a little strange, honestly. [he likes that he's allowed - he'd do it if he weren't, really, because "Mystique", while suiting, had never stuck with him. And they'd been growing close at that point anyway. He couldn't call her that.

The knee-jerk reaction he has is to tell her yes, because - he wants to know what he should and shouldn't do, know where he's screwing up and what he's doing right. But after a moment he shakes his head. That wasn't how this would work] Do you want me to hide again? [is what he says instead, poking fun at himself and how easy it is to fluster him]

Then we'll keep being Raven and Hank. [ Mystique was for back at home, when she had to be violent and dangerous, not soft and accepting of what was developing between them here. She could tilt her head up, then, and look at Hank, stroke her hand against his cheek and feel him there, biting her lip as she considers all the things she wants to do with him, at his side. It would be so easy to give into it and just spend the entire day kissing him, but without privacy...

She shakes her head, drawing him close. ] I quite enjoyed you hiding against me, you know. I like having you that close. [ Which is true. She drops the topic easily enough, understanding and knowing Hank well enough to know when to pause things for now. ] I could get used to it.

[with everything he knows from the other worlds, the thought of "Mystique and Beast" is almost hilarious to him] It'll still make heads spin. Which I don't mind. [and - now he knows he's being a brat, but he doesn't care] Raven and Hank - you know that's just us, right? It isn't - something that's happened elsewhere, I think. [it's that much more important]

You don't want to get used to it. [it's teasing, but he also doesn't mean it. But he takes it as an invitation to rest his head against her shoulder, tighten his arms around her again, mumbling] I want to figure those things out, though. Isn't that - part of all of this? You can't just tell me, it's cheating.

We're unique? [ She can't deny that it thrills her, and she wiggles a little as she considers it. With all that's happened lately, all the things she's learned, the idea of having something that's just theirs means more to her than she can really put into words. It makes her feel warm, and she grins as she leans up for another kiss. ] I like that it's not... Common. That it's not something that everyone expects from us. It's our choice, and I've chosen to be with you.

[ However being with him ends, at least they decided it together.

Raven feels so comfortable, so warm and happy when he holds her that she can do no more than bask in it, feeling the warmth flood through her before she breathes out. She's never really taken on the role of being the comforter before, always letting her sorrows drag along Charles' company or keeping them to herself, never close enough to be someone else's support, but now... She's sharing so much with Hank that it's just perfect. ] I was going for more 'I like when your lips are on my neck because it makes me shiver', but I suppose you're right. We should learn those things together, in time. We have that now.

Mm, it's - this is ours. [it comes out a little softer and far more possessive than he meant to, but he won't lie and say that it isn't something that thrills him either. He'd heard of an evil Hank McCoy, one who had become a professor like he was meant to, and never once was there any mentions of him seeing Raven - or Mystique, or anyone, really. It did make him wonder why, but - it was an idle thought and nothing more I kind of like that it's unexpected, too. No one can tell us what's going to happen.

[and it's scary, thinking of it that way, but it's better, too. It could go differently, if they were back home. Who knew how long Raven would stay away, if she would ever come home. Being here in the fleet, it just made it all the more theirs. Their time, to do what they wanted with it.

He's very glad she can't see his expression, though, because he goes a bit wide-eyed and - he just barely mutes the flustered noise that wants to burst out. But it warms him to hear her echo back what he's been telling her, that they have time - to figure these things out, to just be with each other] We do. And - we're obviously planning to use that time wisely, so - no spoilers.

[there it is, your reminder that you're dating a nerd]

[ The possessiveness doesn't upset her - she hates the idea of being owned, but the idea of belonging is something entirely different to that - and she warms to it a little, tilting her head up and leaning towards Hank without hesitation. It's almost a relief to think that what they're sharing here is something that's theirs, that no other world is waiting for them to mirror the stories told there. What she shares with Hank belongs to her and to him and no one else; there's no future waiting to be spoiled, no people waiting to see them reenact events that they've already seen. ]

We get to decide what we do and how we do it. There's no expectations or - or future that we have to live up to. It's just us, and what we want. [ Things might be stranger if they were back in New York, but they're not. They're here on a fleet with people that know them and don't know them at the same time, and she can allow herself this stark moment of pleasure and joy, letting herself feel the warmth of his company and allowing herself to daydream about a future that might never happen.

They're not going anywhere any time soon, however, and Raven knows that; there are people that have been here far, far longer than she has and probably longer than Hank, too. If they do end up going home then she will simply have to find a way to deal with her memories, maybe finding some kind of peace with the world. The thing that stopped her going home was Charles and his control, but if that had changed too, if Erik had changed... Maybe they could change their world and give her the path she needs to go back to the mansion.

Raven does manage to huff out a laugh, though, stifling her giggles against his head as she tilts herself to kiss his cheek, hand stroking through his hair in a content, idle way. ] No spoilers, I promise. I want to learn everything about you, Hank, explore not just who you are but what you like, too. We never had that before Cuba, we never had time, but now... [ She closes her eyes, resting her body against him; he's strong enough to hold her up, in more ways than just physical. ] We can do this, can't we?

Edited 2016-05-15 22:42 (UTC)

No, and - technically, our future has yet to be built anyway. We changed that - you changed that. [and he's proud of her for that, that she made the decision and saved them all, that she spared a life that shouldn't have been spared and didn't doom them to a future that was nothing but pain. So much so that they had to send Logan back to fix it.

And that - brings up a memory, one he's rarely shared or spoken about. He turns his head to kiss her cheek, fingers flexing against her spine as he shifts] I asked about it once, if - I made it in the future. Logan told me I didn't survive. [he wants her to know just how important what she did was, beyond all the things that she already knew. He doesn't know when, or how, but she saved him, too. He can't deny that it was a thought on his mind for a long time] So - knowing that I actually have a future, and - one with you in it - it's important.

[hearing her laugh, though - it makes him smile, and she can probably feel it as his shoulders shake a little in silent laughter, too. That they're just enjoying themselves, it's both such an old and new concept. That they can is if a gift, he thinks] We can do this. [he sounds so certain of it, and with all the humor fading away there's something desperate and hopeful in his voice] I know we can.

I didn't do it by myself. [ If Charles and Hank hadn't followed her and tracked her down then she knows she would have gone through with it. The fact that Charles had been able to bring her down from that point of destruction means more to her than she can really express, given how frustrated and angry she had been with him at the time, and she still wanted to punish Trask for what he had done, punish the Government for their blindness. The anger burns inside of her with a passion she can't disguise, but at least she can find a new outlet for it.

Hank continues, though, and Raven goes tense in his arms, staring at nothing before she takes a deep breath and leans back. Her eyes are stuck on him for a long, long moment and she imagines finding another lab, another set of files, or autopsies, seeing one with Hank's face and Hank's name and she wants to cry because it's a nightmare. Her arms are quick to go around him again, her entire body shoving into his as she grips him with almost all her strength, pressing her face into his neck and squeezing her eyes closed. ]

I won't let anyone hurt you. [ There's an unspoken thing there, that she would likely walk the line of murder to keep him safe if she has to; it doesn't frighten her as much as it should. The line is blurred when it comes to the people you love, and Raven knows she already loves Hank with all of her heart. ] No one is going to do anything to you as long as I can help it, okay? When we go home, if you need me - if someone dares - I'll come back. I'll come back for you.

[ Her hand is still stroking through his hair, but it's more to calm herself, now, than it is to comfort him. The idea of losing Hank makes her feel sick, a painful, sharp thing in her mind that's level with the idea of losing Charles. She might have hated them both for a short time, in her own way, but she knows that she loves them with more ferocity than she could ever hate them. When she leans back she kisses him, hard, holding him close and trying to breathe him in. ]

We will - we can do this together. We can live together.

[he sits back as she tenses and almost falls backwards as she shoves into him - surprised enough that he makes a noise and has to free a hand to brace behind him so they both don't go sprawling over the bed or the floor. The strength behind that and her words surprises him, because he hadn't meant to get this reaction - and yet he takes it in all the same, his emotions suddenly a strange mess of what ifs and doubts and the fierce love he has for her]

Hey - hey. [his tone is gentle and concerned] No one's going to hurt me. [he's sure of that, at least, and it isn't as though he won't defend himself, if it were necessary. There's something else in his voice, though, a hint of unease and not being sure what the future holds for him when it comes to that, but he's doing his best to push it back] I don't even know details about that, Raven, and - if you come home, I want you to come back because you want to be home, not - because you want to save me. I know you would anyway, but it won't - it isn't going to happen. That future doesn't exist anymore.

[in a way, he has to believe that. Convinced himself of it for so many reasons, and his potential death isn't even at the top of the list. He should have never asked in the first place, and yet he did, and it will always be on the edge of his mind, making him just that more wary of the world. But maybe that's a good thing, too. That the world he wanted at one point to be so apart of now is even more dangerous than he first realized, back in Cuba.

The fierceness of her kiss surprises him too, but he returns it and then some, because he understands. Had she been the one to tell him she didn't survive in some form of their future, he'd feel the same way. So he lets her kiss him and hold him close and take comfort in that he's still here. Like he's taking comfort in her being here]

Mm, we can. We're - too stubborn not to make it work.

[ It's hard to imagine the idea that she might go back to the mansion one day just to find out that Hank wasn't there anymore, that something happened and she had missed it. She had always thought that Charles and Hank would look after each other while she and the rest of them would fight back against the violence in the world, but that might not even be the case. She knows that they've changed the future and that things won't go the same way, but that doesn't mean that all the danger is gone and there's a fierce protectiveness that she can't hide, her grip hard as she fights to let go and keep her emotions in check at the same time.

The idea of the mansion being 'home' still sits wrong on her shoulders and she doesn't want to dwell on it, thinking of Hank instead, lifting her hands to hold onto him and let herself have the gentle comfort of him in her arms. No one would hurt him here, at least, because Raven would fight them with all that she has. She would do the same for Charles, she thinks, and, grudgingly, for Erik, a ferociousness that comes out when family and loved ones are threatened.

It's funny. No matter how much they hurt her, how much she hurts them, she knows they would risk everything for each other. She had seen it in practice. ]

They better not. I meant what I said. [ She does soften, though, her grip relaxing as she shifts to just... Lean against Hank, making herself comfortable and making sure she isn't squashing him under her weight - no matter how strong he is.

She feels like it shouldn't be this easy, pressing herself into Hank's arms - they still have so much they need to talk about, so much they need to do and figure out, but they said they had time. They changed the future. No one is going to hurt them as long as she can still fight, and that means whatever is still between them can be worked out. Just because things feel perfect now doesn't mean it will be forever - and that's fine. It's a part of growing up and she had learned that through living rather than being cooped up and hidden away.

Resting her head against him, Raven relaxes and breathes out. ]

Even when it gets hard.

[to think Raven would come back just for that almost frightens him. The mansion was always safe, the one place in the world that Hank knew that, without a doubt, was home. The thought of something coming along to ruin that, to put him and Charles and Erik in danger - that it was still a possibility, stirs that brief memory even more. Charles knew about it, but maybe it was something they'd have to talk about. They have changed the future, that he's certain of, but . . . what if certain things were still going to happen? What if other people were hurt because of him?

He lets those thoughts fester as he holds Raven close, comforting her while he dwells. But only for a moment; he can think about them again later, when he's alone and decides to do something about all the anger and emotions just stirring below the surface]

They won't. [it isn't a lie, really. He'd never let anything threaten their safety] But I know you mean it. Don't - dwell on it too much, though.

[he lifts a hand to rest against the back of her neck, ducking his head to breathe her in. Even when it gets hard is such an understatement when it comes to the complicated mess that their lives have become. He knows they'll argue. He knows that they'll never see eye to eye on some things. He even knows that one day, he might slip and say the wrong thing no matter how careful with his words he is, and he's accepted that.

It means too much that they have the chance to make this work. He'll take the good with the bad]

Even then.

[ They don't really know what the future will hold - not anymore, at least. Raven remembers cornering Erik in the subway and him telling her that he had been trying to save their future - and she had wanted, so much, to believe him. But then she remembered her blood on the pavement of Paris and she couldn't see anything but her own anger, hissing out her words at him and limping away. The worst part was, in all of it, was that she understood. She understood that he was trying to protect all mutantkind and if their roles were reversed... She might have found herself making the same decision that he did. She might have been pressed to make her own mind up.

For now, she and Hank breathe each other in and nothing else matters. She can rest against him and close her eyes, she can settle with her body against his and know they're both safe. It might be complicated and it might be hard, but they can do it. They can do this together because they care about each other... And it's that realisation that makes her come to understand what she needs to do. It's the same sort of realisation that made her know she had to talk to Charles, and while there's a vile, sick anger inside of her there's hurt, too, and pain, and she has to try.

She has to try.

Slowly, Raven tilts herself and tucks her head against Hank's neck, squeezing close and gripping at him. It takes her a moment but she swallows and tilts herself closer, her voice a quiet whisper against his body. ]

Hank?

[ She grips at nothing, her nails digging into her palms. ]

I think I have to talk to Erik.

[he can feel her tensing and isn't surprised by what she says, and he immediately squeezes his arms around her. The thoughts on his mind just seconds earlier are suddenly brushed away, shoved into their neat little box to focus on something more important, and - Erik and Raven were just as complicated, if not more so given what had happened.

He hums softly, an agreeing noise as he searches for what to say, words of encouragement or something else, he isn't sure. But she should speak with him; he's taking a guess, but Erik surely was just as unsure as Raven was, even more so given all the changes he had gone through]

You should. [he finally says into her hair] When - you're ready, of course, and you don't have to do it alone if you don't have to. [but he thinks she should, just the two of them working out their issues]

[ The thing is that Raven both wants and doesn't want to talk to Erik; she doesn't want to face him because it feels too damn hard to even imagine it. It's too hard to even consider the idea that she might have to look at him and see the face of a man that wanted to see her dead - but he didn't want her to die, did he? Not really. The heat of the moment made it seem so black and white, but Raven isn't stupid enough to think that it was that simple. She knows that what she wants is not to talk to him, not to hear an explanation that would absolve him of what he tried to do because it hurts, it hurts so damn much that it's the only thing she can think about.

Why she's bringing this up now - it seems stupid, really, to consider, thinking about the fact that she and Hank had rode so many emotional rollercoasters in the past hour. Hank knows more about this Erik than she does, though, and she wants to trust his judgement, wants to believe that Hank might see more than she does - because she wants to imagine that she can cling to someone that will make her able to take a step closer to forgiving Erik. It's hard, when someone that hurt you so terribly is someone that means more to you than words can possibly ever express.

Erik is family. Charles is family. Hank is family. The word is sour and strange on her tongue, but - that's the only word that fits. Her own blood relations hadn't been a part of her life since she had escaped and found herself in Charles' kitchen, and now... Now she yearns for something she hadn't even realised she was missing. ]

I'm sorry. This whole afternoon has been a mess.

[it's only because they've been nothing but honest with each other since she arrived that the half-amused noise slips out, muffled in her hair. His voice is wry and a little tired sounding] Don't be. My whole week has been a mess - this is . . . less of a mess and more - something we're working on.

[it was different and important, no more or less so than everything else, but it was right now, too. And, he had to admit, things with Raven, regardless of the actual topic, were always a priority]

If - it makes it easier to talk to him, just know . . . I wouldn't have let him come back to the mansion at all if I didn't trust him. [it's more fact than anything else; he isn't taking sides in all of this, because when it came down to it, they were both his friends. He loved Raven, and Erik had come to be someone Hank depended on - still did] I know it's hard to hear, but - just keep that in mind.

[he pauses, and - just because this conversation has been so up and down already -]

He's still a stubborn pain in the ass, though.

[ It's hard, being honest, and it makes her heart feel like it's about to break into pieces all over again - because all the things she feels are almost too much for her, an intensity that she had tried to hide for so long. Raven was meant to be strong and she had learned to hide how she felt to make herself stronger, truly emulating the man that had once been her leader, and coming back from that in the arms of someone she knew she didn't have to pretend in front of was like breaking down a wall holding everything back.

Maybe what she needs is to just talk - maybe what she needs is just to let it all out, and she trusts Hank to listen to her. She doesn't trust Charles in that way, not right now, because all her memories of trusting Charles are tinged with him wanting to give advice that seem more like lecturing than anything else, as if he knew better how she ought to act and behave. She knows he's grown since then, but some things still grate on her and make her feel uncomfortable and unable to really speak.

Sometimes, Raven thinks that what she really feels isn't as important as what she should be feeling. Maybe it's true - maybe it isn't. She hasn't lead a perfect life, and it's harder to distinguish these days. ]

Charles wouldn't have either. I know that - there's no way Charles would let him near that place if he thought Erik would threaten his dream. [ The stupid dream of mutant equality with humanity, of a perfect school where the children could be free and happy. It would be wonderful if it was that easy, and - bitterly, she admits that the dream wasn't stupid. If she could find peace she would take it, grasp it with both hands, but she sees the things Charles doesn't in the rest of the world, and she's incapable of ignoring it.

Slowly, she begins to speak. ]

When I woke up here it was - less than a week since he had tried to kill me and I learned in less than an hour that he was dating my brother and they had gone home together. When we left, Hank, when Charles let me go and we left Cuba with Azazel, Janos and the others... Erik was everything I had. He was everything I had left because I had to let Charles go. Do you understand?

[ Erik hadn't just been her leader. He had taken the place of Charles in her life, guiding and teaching her, protecting her and keeping her safe - but he also allowed her a freedom that Charles didn't and, in the end, she had abandoned him as well. She wasn't proud of it, and she wasn't glad to hear where he had spent the last decade, but she had to keep going because he couldn't. ]

The only thing I can remember is the look in his eyes when he held up the gun. Like... Like I was just another hurdle to jump - that's what it felt like. Like I was one more obstacle in the way, and suddenly all of that, all the things we shared and all the time we spent together... It didn't mean anything. It was like I didn't mean anything.

[ And maybe that was the worst part. She knew why he made the choice, why he needed her to die, but - she doesn't want to. It hurts so much to think that she was so disposable to someone that she had loved fiercely. ]

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