driftfleet | [Open Moons Mingle Log]

I killed a slaver who is aboard the Fleet, and was keeping a slave here. She disagreed with my actions.

Ah. That would be the incident Dorian mentioned.

[He shrugs, mostly with his hands, though it's an unhappy gesture]

She always was the idealist.

That would be it, yes.

[He looks at Felix cautiously, trying to judge his reactions.]

What do you think of such things?

[He isn't looking for approval, not at all, he did what he had to. But it would to help to know where Felix stood on such matters.]

[It's a complicated and loaded question for an unwieldy handful of reasons. The practices of lower city Mélusine was rife with all manner of questionable and terrible things, but no one, not even Felix himself, had put the name 'slavery' to what he or any other kept-thief had endured. Few people liked it, but in a strange way it was accepted and a blind eye was often turned. It was also true that while money had changed hands in his case, the fate of many others was due to chance and even misguided charity on the part of some kinder Keepers. Though kind was a relative word.

And it was also true that he'd had control over his brother in an entirely different way, but legally speaking it was the closest to slavery. Maybe it mattered that Mildmay asked him to do it in order to save his life, but that act was underhanded and self-serving just as much as it was bending to his brother's pleas. Mehitabel had berated him for it, and he'd abused it, so the reasons he had for it might be moot.

He'd never told Fenris about that, nor was he sure that he could, even though the lie of omission about his magic nearly earned Fenris' ire, and justifiably. He was determined not to lie about that part of it, at least. The rest would have to fall where it might, and he would fervently hope Mildmay didn't show up here as well.

His eyes lowered from the elf's face as he weighed these options. The answer could mean the difference between enmity and friendship. When he begins he speaks slowly.]

I think that there are many faces to such practices, and circumstances under which they come together, but on the whole I believe there are few who perpetuate such things who cannot be called monsters. I don't know if it is my right to judge them, but I don't blame you for the action.

[Fenris watches him, while he mulls it over. It's important, for him to know how Felix feels on this subject. Ino, he thought perhaps she was a friend he had forgotten, but he was less certain of that, after the mess with Robin. She didn't understand, and once again, he'd felt disappointed by someone from his forgotten past.

He's quiet, for a little while, after Felix speaks, before exhaling. It seems Felix has passed some unspoken test. ]

Then I'm glad you understand, and I am truly sorry I do not remember you.

[While Fenris seems a bit more at ease, Felix still doesn't feel he's earned that trust yet. It screams against his every instinct to lay out truths the way he's considering it, but it competing with a deeper need. One that he acknowledge far less than others. Like his brother, Fenris understood a part of him that few people could ever begin to approach. Even being told, not a single friend or lover could truly know with that kind of bone-deep certainty what being owned in that manner felt like. He wears so many lies he often forgets they are there, but the ability to shed that one very large one was a relief he'd never quite approached again.

He smiles at the elf, and it's sad but more or less genuine, as he gathers himself for the next part of it.]

Don't be sorry just yet. I realize this puts you at a disadvantage, and there is no way for you confirm what I tell you. How we came to be on friendly terms was the result of a very particular set of events, a lie I do not intend on telling you twice, and a truth.

[He pauses to swallow, though he keeps his posture straight in an attempt to appear less nervous than he is] May I tell you what those things were, and then afterward we can see where your feelings fall?

[The elf gives a shrug. ]

A lack of memory is nothing new to me. I would rather try it piece together my broken past than ignore it on maybes.

[He gives Felix a single nod. ]

Certainly. I appreciate the honesty.

[Felix lets out the breath he'd unconsciously been holding, nods, and stares at his hands a moment before he starts]

Our acquaintance early on was mostly in passing, but I learned enough about your world and your feelings on magic that I made an effort to never bring up one particular fact. I am a wizard. [He quickly corrects it to Fenris' parlance] A mage.

I managed to hide that for months, until the residents were caught in an internal conflict. A few of them, most beings of great power, decided to attempt to take over and appoint themselves lords over the rest of us. The details don't matter. What does is that we fought back, and it was when I advertised the aid of my skills that you found out.

After the dust settled, you asked why I'd kept up the lie in order to remain friendly with you, and I told you...I told you that I understood why you felt the way you did. Because I once had a master the way you once did. His name was Malkar. [His fingers, forever stiff and not-quite-right since his master broke them all at one, clench tightly. It's easier to say the name these days, but not by much]

As luck would have it, in the form it so often came in the castle, Danarius showed up only a few months later...[He pauses to let Fenris absorb as much as to collect himself]

[He tenses at the admittance of being a mage. Thanks to his time in Exsilium, his seething hatred has calmed down somewhat. There's still a distinct lack of trust there, but he's better than he was. ]

...I see.

[He falls silent again, as Felix speaks more. So, a mage who knew what it was to be a slave. There were mage slaves in Tevinter, of course, if they were unfortunate enough to be born as such. Still, it was different to know one. He's about to ask a question on such a thing when Felix says that name, and the elf tenses.

It's a thing of nightmares, and he never thought it was possible for Danarius to defeat death. Of course, it was, he's seen people arrive in Exsilium who should be dead. But he never thought Danarius would be there. ]

He was in that castle.

[Part question, part statement. He sounds terrified. If Danarius can go to the castle he doesn't remember, that means he can come here. To the Fleet. Even here, he isn't free.]

[Felix nods, soberly, knowing how startling that pact was. He was lucky Malkar never followed suit, but the possibility was always in the back of his mind]

Very shortly. As soon as he did I helped to shield him from being able to find you. It was long enough that he disappeared before anything of not happened. [That he knows of, given that Fenris got too cagey to sit around in his apartment]

I don't know if the fleet operates on the same principles as the castle, but if they chose to bring him here I would do the same for you again.

[Not mentioning the fact that he took it a step too far once he started to tamper with lyrium, but that's a subject for another time]

You gave me shelter from him?

[Fenris considers, quietly. ] Then I clearly trusted you. I would not allow just anyone such a thing.

[There's a touch of a smile, good thing the lyrium thing isn't mentioned. Felix is on a winning streak right now. ]

Thank you for your kindness. I am not sure if I'm deserving of it, but I am grateful.

[It's his turn to shrug. He knows Fenris isn't a saint, but he isn't either, and that part hardly mattered to him.]

The merits of my kindness may be up for debate. My helping you was as much for myself.

[A part of him feels a bit like he's manipulating Fenris, leaving him both relieved by the gratitude as much as he is vaguely uncomfortable with himself]

You wanted to ask me something earlier. What was it?

I'm not certain what you could have gain for yourself, protecting someone like me.

[Someone who, quite easily, could turn on him in a second. ]

I was curious, how mages are treated as slaves where you are from. In Tevinter, it is about rank, more than anything, I was wondering if it was something similar.

[He kind of expect that kind of thing, but he's often been ambivalent about his own life]

I did it because I wanted to.

[His eyes flicker away, uncomfortable. This part of it was never broached, or much of any detail, but this Fenris deserves a truth he can call his own. He can't expect trust otherwise, but it still feels like ice water in the pit of his stomach]

It isn't that. Not exactly. It's true that, in Mélusine, it's difficult to gain status or training unless you are lucky enough to be high born but it isn't...

My situation was rather unique...

[He stumbles, sighing, and turns a guarded gaze to elf]

I haven't told this to many people.

So you went into it willingly?

[He can't judge. Even if he doesn't remember it, he knows he went into Danarius' service willingly. Fought for his right for the brands he hates so much. He did it to save his family, he was told, but it does little to ease the knowledge he chose that path. ]

...Thank you. For trusting me with this information. It cannot be easy to speak of.

[Felix almost flinches at the question, but not quite.]

No it isn't. And...no, I didn't. For me it was...the end result rather than the cause...

[He's babbling a bit under the stress, as his mind plays out the chain of events this leads through until he's dizzy with it, and at last he blurts out the one simple truth that started it all]

My mother was a prostitute. She sold me when I was four.

[Oh. Isabela, comes to mind, of course. She'd had to deal with a similar situation, and it's a truly dreadful one.]

I am sorry. To be betrayed by someone who is supposed to take care of you...it must have been awful.

[He tries to smile, but the expression kind of betrays him partway through and tugs downward instead]

Yes. But I've never particularly blamed her for it.

[Partly because he knows, by experience, what life in a brothel is like and what pressures the owners put on their charges. And he could explain that, but he sees an opportunity to skip over the messy details in between. Malkar isn't an easier subject, but he's managing his misery at this point, and soldiers on with the rest of the answer]

In any case...Malkar bought me when I was fourteen, shortly after my magic manifested. He took me out of the city for two years and taught me everything he wanted me to know. His training was...insistent. Cruel. But effective. He spun me a story as a noble and molded me to fit the image, then took me back to the city and got me inducted. Without that, I would likely never have been able to take the oaths, much less rise to the ruling council.

So he made you feel like you were getting everything, while you were still trapped by him. That everything you did, was his bidding, even if sometimes you allowed yourself to believe otherwise?

[That is...hauntingly familiar. ]

[Unconsciously, he starts to hug his arms against his chest, and nods]

Yes. Especially early on and I was...convinced that he loved me. It didn't take for me to figure out that he was using me, as literally as you might imagine, and I broke away from him when I was twenty. Or thought I had.

In the end I was nothing more than his cat's paw.

[There it was. He hates it, that someone else understands this way of life. He's sure it's the same for all slaves, though. He's already seen it in Nel. ]

The lies we tell ourselves, to make it all more bearable.

[It presented differently for many, but there was always some kind of common thread. The things you learned in order to stay alive. The things you learned because you stayed alive. All of them left scars]

Yes. Except sometimes we can't tell if they're lies anymore.

[Some things went too deep to ever go away. The same way he could never go back to being the boy he was before Malkar made him what he is.

He laughs, a trace bitterly, and turns a wry smile on Fenris.]

Not the kind of thing you would have expected to hear from a near stranger, I'm sure.

[Fenris is lost in his own thoughts, for a while. This has hit rather close to home, as has a lot in this place, recently. Eventually, he exhales, long and slow. ]

No. I didn't. These other worlds continue to surprise me.

[He's content to let Fenris think it over. It gives him as much time to collect himself as it does to second guess his move to confess this much so quickly. It seems selfish, because it's only to him that it feels like they are picking up from where they left off]

The only thing I try to assume is that anything is possible. It's not always an easy task.

It isn't. I saw many, many worlds during my time with the Initiative, saw half of them destroyed, in fact. It has given me a...wider understanding than I once had.

[One, single thing to thank the Initiative for. Oh, and stopping Thedas from getting destroyed, he guesses. Yay.]

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