driftfleet | Video + Action | So a mage and a Spirit wake up in the same body...

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Video + Action | So a mage and a Spirit wake up in the same body...

Who: Anders + you
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Málum
When: 8/10, the day after this post

//Video//
[When the video clicks on, it's to show Anders in the Three Twins med bay, this time awake and clearly a lot more awkward about adressing the network than he'd been a week back. On top of that, he's ten years older than he was a week back, although for all his gauntness and heavily apparent exhaustion, he might as well look an extra thirty years older.

Time has not been kind to the man who once shined his charisma and humor on the fleet.]

Hello. Sorry, apparently I've been in one of those comas that happen here, although mine was one of those that came new memories. So, if we had an appointment of any kind, I'd appreciate the reminder I'm...still a little scattered on...well, everything. It's been a while, but also hasn't. [It was an attempt at humor, but his tone falls flat and the smile that hesitantly tries to stretch his lips doesn't seem to know if it even belongs there and dies quickly.]

For those on the Three Twins, I apologize for being unavailable. The clinic will be up and running as it should be, erm, well, tomorrow. Tonight, I'll be at the Málum. [Maker how he wished it could be getting drunk instead of simply appeasing Adalwolfe's overprotective concern.]

Sorry to anyone who I might have caused concern.

[He clicks off the transmission with another awkward half-smile and then sets about contacting those he needed to the way Adalwolfe had shown him.]

//Private to Fenris and Marian//
[Can he get away with not talking to them? Probably not. Which is why he contacts them with voice only, not quite willing to look either of them in the eye when his memories, thoughts and emotions were still so jumbled and confusing.]

I remember Kirkwall. [And the hole in the sky, but that was far less important when it came to them.]

//Action-Málum//

He'd told Hawke he'd follow him as soon as he'd sorted some things at the clinic. Well, now those were sorted and he'd come as promised to the bar his boyfriend worked at. He certainly didn't mind being close to his fellow mage while he worked, in fact he took some solace in Adalwolfe's nearness, he just wasn't sure he wanted to be out in public just yet either. How long had it been since he'd even been in a crowded place? Three years? They'd been on the run for so long, if it weren't for their village they'd adopted, he'd almost be afraid he'd completely forgotten how to talk to other people.

Anyone who might happen upon him or come looking for him in the bar would find him sitting at the counter, something strong he wasn't drinking and food he wasn't touching placed in front of him. His eyes occasionally darted up to follow Hawke with clear affection and adoration in them, but they'd inevitably fall back to the bar's surface as though attempting to memorize the patterns in the grain there.

He so wished he could call Justice up just to tell him to sod off for one night. Maker damn him, he just wanted to get drunk one last time. The things you don't appreciate when you're younger and not hosting a spirit who chases all the alcohol from your system before it can even settle in.

There were a lot of things he didn't appreciate ten years ago.

Only a week ago.

He sighed. Even without the booze, his head was swimming.

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Well there you are.

[Riona smiles, though there's an edge of worry in the lines around her face. He really doesn't look well, and that would be enough to fret about all on its own.

But then he says he has come back with new memories and her heart sinks. She remembers what he said, about not liking who he was going to become. And now here he is, older and haggard. The humor seems to have been drained from him as well, replaced with exhaustion.

On top of all of that, she may know the truth about the Chantry explosion. If it's him who's at fault... she's not sure what she'll do.]

Hopefully no one drew on your face.

Here I am.

[His smile twitches. For one second he's overjoyed to see her, feeling the decade-long gap in his heart where she'd been, but in the next he's sobered and the smile is much more muted. He wasn't the man she remembered. Just when he'd gotten her back, he'd gone and lost himself instead.

He almost felt he should apologize now, warn her of how he'd failed her.

Something stirred in him, a force that said she'd understand, she'd have to understand, she fought for justice as much as he did, but another part of him felt the sinking dread of what if?

What if she rightfully turned from him? How selfish was he that he knew what she should do and longed for the opposite?]

No, in fact, it seems my face was fairly well cared for in my sleep.

I'm sorry to have left you waiting. You didn't throw any parties without me, did you? [An attempt to be the person she was expecting...it sounded hollow in his own head.]

It's never a party without you. But I am glad to see you escaped face art.

[She looks to the side, brow creased somewhat. It's easy enough to keep joking on like this, but she's worried. He really doesn't look well. And there are... other questions, but Maker she's too afraid to ask.]

You should get a meal or five in you. I think I've seen staves that looked meatier than you do now.

[He can see her concern and her hesitation and he wants nothing more than to find that perfect joke to make it melt away with a laugh. Unfortunately, his mind is blank when it came to perfect jokes, these days.]

You might be right, one of those huge oak things that some mages like to carry, or Knight-Enchanters.

You don't need to worry about me, Commander, I'll eat something. My diet has simply been...sparing in recent years.

[The conversation teeters on the edge of the inevitable, of what truly needs to be said. And as much as a part of her wants to avoid it, she knows she can't forever.

Her eyes close a moment, steeling herself for whatever lies ahead.]

We're past the point of not worrying. About many things.

[She considers trying to bring the subject up delicately - but no. This isn't court. And she's stewed over this for long enough.]

The incident in Kirkwall with the Chantry... that was you, wasn't it?

[In goes the knife.]

Edited 2016-08-18 23:24 (UTC)

[He can feel the change in their conversation before the words can even be said. He wishes to the Maker and anyone who'd listen that he could lie to her. Better yet, he wishes he could simply say it wasn't true and for it to not be a lie.

The knife goes deep and he looks away from her, already answering her question before he even opens his mouth.]

It was.

Something...happened. With the Wardens. I took Justice into myself...and he helped me to see what I refused to before. Something had to give, in Kirkwall. I-

[He shook his head and finally looked back, but it was clear he still wasn't looking at her, simply the corner of the screen or something behind her, anything that wasn't her face.]

The mages had suffered too much and only faced more. There is little point in explaining anything else. If you have your judgments to pass, Command-- your Highness, I accept them.

[She's long since suspected the answer. Enough hints had been dropped, and so she's had some time to brace herself for this. She wants to ask him why, demand that he expound on what possessed him to do such a thing when surely there were-

But it all sort of stops when he mentions Justice. Her heart slams against her ribcage, and she only half-hears the rest of what he says. Her mind is stuck on that part about Justice still.]

Ju-

[No... surely he wouldn't have... As a mage, he should know better than anyone the dangers of doing such a thing. And if it were true, there's no way Justice would have done such a thing.

Right?

Blank shock is all he's met with for a time. This is her fault. Leliana could have told her, but she refused, and now she's left reeling from the revelation.

And... because something must have driven Anders and Justice away from the Wardens after she left. Her shoulders sag as she runs a hand through her hair. She shakes her head. Maker, how can she believe this? How could this have happened?]

You took Justice into you? [She'll get back to the bit with the Chantry later. She needs to deal with this bit of information first.] As in, you let him possess you?

[It's clear in her tone: please be lying. Please tell me I'm missing something.]

[He nods, but his expression doesn't change.

He wished he could give her the answer she wanted to hear.]

Yes.

He was without a host...and I was in trouble. I needed his help.

[He tried not to think, not to analyze or hope for anything. He would simply answer her questions.

Part of him couldn't help hoping she wouldn't ask about the Wardens. She didn't need to know, he didn't want her to feel any guilt for going back to the life and happiness she deserved.]

Trouble? What trouble? Were you ambushed or something?

[Her eyes dart over his face, looking for the answers. Hoping to glean more from it than his words are giving her.]

Of sorts.

[It comes out far more bitter than he'd intended and he quickly shakes his head.]

What do the details matter, Riona? It's happened, it can't be changed.

They matter to me. I want to know what happened. I want to know what in Thedas drove you and Justice to blow up a damn Chantry. I want to know what happened to my friends, both of whom would never have done such a thing. [Here the wind seems to be knocked out of her sails, as she quietly adds:] Once upon a time, anyway.

[She knows this is going to hurt. She knows it can't be changed. And maybe she shouldn't ask, because it'll be another burden on her shoulders. But she also can't not know.]

[His mind darts back to that time, a decade past now, the Wardens falling into something unrecognizable from how Anders had known them once Riona went back to her Kingdom and the Orlisian Warden Commander stepped in.

He'd seemed decent, at first, and Stroud had sworn by him. Clarel, seemed promising too, another mage among the Wardens. Anders had felt hope. And then the Templars had come. Wanting to join, supposedly, but Anders knew them from Kinloch. Anger surged through him and blue cracks chipped through his skin and he covered his eyes with his hand to calm himself and Justice.]

Templars from the Circle joined the Wardens. I knew them, they'd always been some of the most cruel, to me and others. They said they simply wanted to help, after seeing how things had gone at Kinloch and in Amaranthine, they said they wanted to have the strength to protect their country.

I gave them the benefit of the doubt because I knew that's what you would do. You gave a wanted apostate a chance, how could I not do the same when these men claimed good intentions. People change, right?

[His smile was strained and his voice clearly bitter now that he was letting the story come out. A story he hadn't even told Hawke. His hand fell, his eyes and face back to normal.]

They took the Joining and made it through. Well, all but one.

They never left me alone. Had to 'shadow' a more experienced Warden, learn the ropes. They constantly watched me, waiting for me to slip up and, once we were alone, they let me know it too.

I tried telling the Commander, but he dismissed my concerns as paranoia and an unwillingness to trust my fellow Wardens. [He spat the words out with venom.]

It took some digging and what few friends I still had who weren't sent away from me to discover the worst part: this had been their plan all along. They couldn't take the King letting me go, so they came to find me on their own and the Commander knew and let them in anyway, knowing they were simply waiting for an excuse to kill the Melificar.

We were ambushed and fighting for our lives and I had no one at my back but the Templars and Justice came to me then, offering to protect me if I protected him in turn by giving him a host.

Nathaniel gave him the idea, I think, a willing host instead another dead body grieved by the living.

The Templars turned on me. I killed them. I ran. The Wardens betrayed me after you left. I should have known it wouldn't last.

[He gave a lopsided smirk, but it felt fake and strained and probably looked like the pathetic attempt it was.]

The worst worst part was when the Commander made me get rid of Pounce. Should have seen it coming then, bastards.

Edited 2016-09-02 20:12 (UTC)

[The blue across his face startles her. Her eyes widen, and she's silent. Almost afraid to speak. Justice is definitely in there, and she nearly got a good look at what he's become.

Maker, what happened to her friends?

Shock and anger and sadness rise and swell within her, at once and separately. Bile rises in her throat as she pictures how it all went down. Her fist clenches, to beat back the nausea and to contain her anger. Maker as her witness, she hopes that she reams this Commander a new one after this all plays out. She certainly wanted to now, to wrap her hands around his throat and shake him, demand to know why he went along with this, why he harassed and drove away one of her men.

She almost asks if she ever did anything, but she wonders if he would even know. And something more pressing needs to be asked.]

Anders, why didn't you come to me when things got so bad? I told you I would be there for any of you if need be, that you were always welcome in Denerim. Nathaniel or Oghren or any of them would have sent a message for you if you felt you couldn't.

Edited (FUCK I FORGOT A WHOLE PART I WANTED TO RESPOND TO ) 2016-09-02 23:38 (UTC)

[The bitterness dissipated in the face of her concern and his expression turned fond even as the sadness still hung around the edges.]

Do you really think I should have entrusted a letter to Oghren? I doubt he could have made it a half mile up the road before he passed out drunk, letter crumpled in his pouch.

I couldn't go anywhere against the Commanders orders, he liked to run a tight ship and Nathaniel... [The sadness grew thicker. His next closest friend after Riona, his rock in a churning ocean of change...and they'd taken that too.] I don't know where Nate is. They'd sent him away on an extended mission of some kind. They wouldn't tell me, I 'didn't need to know.' I saw him near Kirkwall a few years ago, though. He seemed good.

[But that wasn't the point. He shook his head and met her gaze again.]

Where was I to go, Riona? The Wardens were all I had, all Justice had and they didn't even trust him. I couldn't abandon him, I couldn't leave, I couldn't reach you and even if I had, what would you have done? Taken us back with you? Kept me as your courtly pet apostate and him your 'spiritual advisor' just to try and keep us safe?

[His smile returned with fondness and pride.]

No, my dear lady. You're queen and you've got far more important things to deal with.

["Oghren can surprise you" she wants to say, but she doesn't. Most don't believe in the dwarf and really, what's the point now?

Sigrun and Velanna, where were they in all this? Did they do nothing? She finds it hard to believe. Or had they also been sent with Nathaniel? There's so much she doesn't know, so much she has to guess at or rely on others to tell her. And that always seems to worsen things. Her heart grows heavier with each bit of news she gets.

Her face hardens at his last words.]

Do not tell me what is and isn't more important. My men and women are important to me. And you do not know me well if you think that I wouldn't have been there as soon as I could if I knew things were going so badly.

[It's not like she ruled alone.]

I would not have removed you. I would have removed them. Nothing like a ten year stint in the Anderfels to drive the point in. And I would have made it clear to this Commander that if he harassed one of my own again, he'd be leaving with his tail between his legs back to Weisshaupt.

For however long that would have lasted.

[He looked away, his own bitterness sounding pathetic in his ears. He didn't want to think about the what if, how things might have changed or gone better if he'd been able to reach Denerim. When he speaks again, his tone is tired, defeated. That edge had never really left since Kirkwall, it almost seemed like all he had in him these days.]

I know you would have come whether I thought it was worth it or not, if I could have reached you, but the fact remains I couldn't. So what is the point of this, Commander? Nothing can be changed now, what's done can't be undone.

You saved my life and gave Justice a purpose, you're important to us both, but we won't ask anything more of you.

[This is what she hates the most, this helplessness. He's right; there's nothing that can be done, not with how things stand. What he and Justice did is done and over with. No amount of her railing at it will change anything.

So what does she say now? Sorry? Damn you for not coming to me? How could you do such a thing? There's so much she wants to say, but none of it matters.

Save for one thing.]

Is Justice all right?

[He's silent. After a moment, quietly, he responds.]

No.

We didn't know how it would affect us, but it...went wrong. I'm not a corpse, so it worked differently and-

[He cut himself off but continued after another moment. If there was anyone who would listen to him and understand how much this had hurt both of them and not just him, it was their Commander.]

I don't dream as I should anymore, whenever I go into the fade, Justice takes full control and all I can do is watch and listen without any say. It frightened me the times it happened, so I tried to limit it. But...I do that to him every day of our lives. Every day for the last ten years, he's only been allowed to watch and listen. Except for when he forcibly takes control, but that's never good. It's...we've done horrible things when we were like that.

Because, the worst of it, is that Justice has changed. My anger and hate changed him, perhaps even my taint has helped to corrupt him. He took my pain and turned it into his new purpose, only it wasn't just me, it was for every mage everywhere. He's no longer a spirit of Justice, but one of Vengeance...and we both fear for when-if Vengeance turns to Rage.

[Justice's greatest fear and they'd accidentally visited it upon him in their mutual attempt to save each other.]

Edited 2016-09-15 14:11 (UTC)

[She sincerely hoped it would have been like with Wynne, but even she knows deep down that the situations were different. Still, she just hoped that maybe...

But no. What little optimism she had is dashed as soon as he explains. It drains from her face, her eyes going wide as she grows increasingly horrified over what she hears. What they've done, she won't ask about; she doesn't want to know. It shames her to admit it, but this is already too much.

She managed to keep her composure... until the end. As soon as he says "changed", her heart lurches. For spirits - and especially after her talks with Cole - she knows what that means.]

No.

[The word slips out, and she slaps a hand over her mouth. Maker, no. Don't let it be true.]

He's a demon.

[The one thing he feared, and it came true. All because he wanted to help. Tears come, but she's not sure if they're from grief or anger, because she's feeling a lot of both right now and isn't sure where to go with it.]

[He flinches and blue cracks spread from his eyes and down his face.]

No.

[It's not just his voice anymore and he shuts his eyes just after the turn blue, the light swirling in them with the power of the Fade itself. Calm. Calm. She wasn't calling- she's their friend. Likely the only one both of them have.]

Not-not yet. But, if the anger grows any stronger. Every slight is Unjust and every Injustice can lead to an act of Vengeance and every one of those is another step towards Rage.

[It hadn't even made sense to him like that until Cole had spelled out the progression for him. He and Justice had once talked about demons and where they came from, but neither of them knew. Now they do: they come from Spirits, ones too corrupted from their original intent to carry on as they had. If only they'd known.]

Edited 2016-09-23 03:41 (UTC)

[It's him. Filtered through Anders, but it's him. And she hates that hearing his voice frightens her a little. She swallows her fear as a few tears escape. Stubbornly she wipes them away. She is their commander; she will not let herself be too weak in front of them.]

His greatest fear... and it's happening to him. [As far as she knows, there's nothing that can be done. It may warrant a discussion with Cole to see if there's a possibility of it being otherwise, but she fears she already knows the answer.]

...Justice, Anders. Forgive me. I failed you both.

[There's pain and sympathy in the warm brown of Anders' own eyes and he wishes he'd just come to her in person now so that maybe he could help, but there was nothing to be done now.]

Commander...Riona, there's nothing to forgive. This was our choice, misguided as it may have been.

Please don't blame yourself.

[A humorless smile cracks his lips.]

In fact, we should be apologizing to you. I know how disappointed you must feel.

Edited 2016-09-28 04:33 (UTC)

I'm not disappointed.

[Not with them. They did what they thought was best at the time. She can't hold that against them.]

You're my men. As commander, I should have been there to look out for you and protect you.

[He shook his head. They would forever disagree on that, one of them seeing a ledge while the other saw another path and both regretted it.

But that was hardly all they'd done.]

I meant for the Chantry. Kirkwall.

...ah.

[That's a little trickier. She's not sure if "disappointed" is the word she'd use.]

More heartbroken than anything. Maybe a little angry and upset. And... well, worried. Very worried.

[Once upon a time, neither of them would have done such a thing. It scares her that they both reached such a state of mind that they thought that mass murder would solve anything.]

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