driftfleet | (no subject)

But... Elly and Jove were here, not there.

How can I be homesick for them when I'm here?

Home isn't always a place, Cole. Sometimes it's people. Elly and Jove, they're part of your family. It's perfectly normal to feel homesick for them.

Oh.

[He thinks about this for a while and nods.]

I think I understand.

[Hawke smiles a little, a bittersweet thing. Homesickness is catching.]

Sometimes it helps to talk about them. Tell stories about good times you had. Sometimes it doesn't though, it just depends.

How do you tell if it will help or not?

I think the only way is to try it and see. It may feel like it hurts, but also helps, when you do it. Have you experienced that before? Something sort of... pleasantly painful?

[Thank goodness Cole is a precious innocent cinnamon roll and won't take that in the very obvious masochistic way it could be taken.]

[You are so lucky he isn't near you, Adawolfe, or he would be getting some very strong ideas...]

Sometimes, The Iron Bull makes Dorian hurt in ways that make him scream for more and set fire to the curtains.

[Or, you know, he's already not that innocent a cinnamon bun.]

Or, do you mean like when you lance an infection and it hurts, but the pressure eases and the burning stops and it feels better?

Uh...

[OR he could entirely understand the other thing that Adalwolfe actually didn't mean and didn't even think of until Cole described it and wow he would sure like to know what Bull can do because neither he nor Anders have ever set anything on fire in the throes.

Granted Anders did have that electricity trick and-

Not... the time... ]

The, uh, the second one. Is what I meant.

[Please ignore how hot under the collar he suddenly appears to be.]

... I know what sex is, Adalwolfe. Just because I haven't done it doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it.

[So there.]

Yes. I've had that. Lived through others and myself.

I didn't think you didn't! I just. It's not what I meant, so I didn't think. Uh...

[He runs a hand down his face.]

I just wasn't expecting you to spout off about someone else's sex life, much less the Iron Bull's.

[Sweet maker, how could Dorian even-- Not the time. Get back on track.]

But yes. Like lancing. You don't always know if it'll help or just get infected, but it's better than leaving it to fester, right?

The Iron Bull's room is next to my attic. I hear a lot. Sometimes even with my ears.

[He hums.]

Well... lancing always makes it better. You lance because something's in there.

I don't know if I should sympathize or be glad it's not me.

[He chuckles, leaving out the third option of just being curious.]

But either way, if you look at it like that, talking about those you miss will just help in the long run, right?

... I suppose so.

But it might hurt others to hear.

That's why you ask first. It doesn't hurt others as much if they're ready for it, and it could be a good hurt for them too.

[He hopes he's explaining this well enough, and that Varric would be approving of how Wolfe is handling his spirit son. Even if Varric never actually referred to Cole as such, there were such notes of pride in his letters and the way he'd spoken about him at Skyhold that Hawke just can't help but think of their relationship in those terms.]

He hums and swings his legs.

No one else misses them. They all went together. Well, Cullen went first. Then Jove, Solas and Elly all went at the same time.

Just me left.

And most people don't like Solas, because he's a bit of a jerk to people.

I'm not really his biggest fan either, sorry to say.

[Self-possessed as Solas seemed, with both the unfriendliness of more isolationist Dalish and the audacity to look down on him for his magical knowledge despite being a fellow apostate. It was irritating, but certainly not the focus at the time, considering where they'd been.]

But tell me, what were they like? Cullen I know, but the others? What did you like about them? How did you make friends?

[Sorry Adalwolfe, you're about to experience one of Cole's odder behaviours when he feels stressed or anxious.]

One for sorrow, two for mirth;
Three for a slaughter, four for rebirth.
Five too young and six too old;
Seven a secret, never ever told.

[And he wraps his arms under his thighs, hugging them to his chest.]

Elly wanted to help people. Protect them. Her magic was mute, I could make it sing again, make the healing work. Jove and Solas were close, on the Pathstone, when Fenris scared me, Jove came and sat under Solas's desk with me and hugged me.

[Oh...kay... that's a bit creepifying, but he's going to just let it slide on without comment because he has no idea what to say about it.]

Was Elly a spirit healer? Is that how you helped?

[Anders can still heal, but that doesn't mean that every mage who needs access to the Fade can still get it. Honestly Hawke isn't sure Anders isn't a special case what with Justice.]

And... Fenris can be quite scary. I'm glad Jove came to you comfort.

Not spirit healer. Different world, different rules, but she healed and I can make healing work better. Any healing magic.

[Anders and Cole work together very well for healing magic.]

Do you like Fenris a lot?

[Well now isn't that a complicated question. Adalwolfe blinks at Cole for a long moment, lips pursed, trying to find the words.]

Fenris and I... were not close, in my Thedas. That is likely my fault, but he doesn't make it easy.

[It's such a bullshit answer, even if it's true, that Hawke can't help but sigh at himself and run a hand back through his hair while checking to make sure the video is still a private one.]

He's dead, where I'm from. He sided with Meredith. Fenris here is understandably uncomfortable with that.

[Cole shifts uncomfortably and then leans forward.]

I don't like Fenris. He's cruel, like the templars who hurt Cole. He saw my memories and he thought 'good'. He thinks... because he hurts, no one else ever hurt, he hurt more than anyone ever, he knows the most about hurting and suffering and mages... don't really feel suffering. Because he suffered, so they can't.

[Cole has never told anyone else this sort of detail.]

[Wolfe has never seen it that way. Fenris was a slave in Tevinter, it makes complete sense that he would have negative feelings towards mages. When your entire life is derailed by that one thing, be it mages or Templars or the bloody Darkspawn, it's easy to condemn anything having to do with it. Anders had his single-minded pursual of Circle reform, Fenris had his personal vendetta against magic, Isabela and her mistrust of even the simplest offer of help, Merrill and her attempts to fix that blighted mirror. It just seemed par for the course for so long that they each had their fixations, their prejudices, that he felt he could wait patiently for them each to come around.

Some did, some didn't. Fenris, it turns out, when left to his own devices would blindly throw his support behind anyone who shared his views on mages and magic, even someone so obviously crazy as Meredith. He hadn't wanted to kill Fenris, had even tried to reason with him, but in the end...

That isn't what happened to the Fenris in the fleet, though. He'd sided with his Hawke. That's something.]

I think... I think he needs to see, to understand that his own experiences with magic don't exist in a vacuum. He needs to be brought to see beyond his own pain. It can be hard when you're as, um.

[He doesn't want to say damaged, but it's the only word that seems to fit.]

As mistreated as he was. But it's not a competition, no one's suffering can be drowned out just because other people suffer for opposite reasons. I'm sort of... I don't know, trying to help him see. Though I think Marian might be able to get further than I could, considering.

He needs yes. But won't. He doesn't want to and you can't force understanding. He has to want to be someone who rages less, to let some of his hurt go.

[And Fenris doesn't want to. He may never be ready to. Cole still understands Fenris, still feels what he feels and understands what drives him. He just doesn't like him.]

You can't. He doesn't trust you and once he decides someone can't be trusted, he won't listen to otherwise. It's why he's so terribly lonely and alone. He can't forgive the any slight. Not by others. Not by himself.

It isn't about you. It's about Fenris. And only Fenris can change that.

No, you can't force it, but it doesn't come without no pushing either. If left to decide for himself, with no outside influence, he won't seek understanding out. I know some people can't be shown reason but I can't give up either.

[He knows it's an uphill battle, Sisyphus pushing the boulder if he had that story to parallel, but Marian sees something in him, and another version of them did as well. Enough that Fenris followed him against Meredith.]

He and Marian are together. I think. That should count for something, her being a mage. It's a start. And he told me he'd try. We've talked a little.

[He lets out a heavy sigh. Yes, it's about Fenris, and only Fenris can change it, but it's about him too. It's about his failure to speak up in Kirkwall to people he didn't think would listen. He didn't try. He has to at least try.]

I'm sorry Cole, I know this is probably not what you want to hear. I'm not his biggest fan either but I can't be someone who doesn't make an attempt. If you let those prejudices alone, they keep spreading, and we end up with situations like the modern Chantry.

Dorian and Fenris had sex a lot and said 'amatus', but Fenris was still glad Cole died in the pit, one less mage.

He hates me more because I'm a demon. That somehow, me killing people is worse than anyone else doing it.

No. The Chantry comes because people who do know better don't stand up to those like Fenris and Lambert. They let it happen. All that is needed to cruelty to thrive is good people to do nothing.

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