driftfleet | (no subject)

I thought it was.

[ it's hard not to get a little choked up. he went to the iskaulit with kate, and then again to craft with kara. he's been going out, doing things again. he called sascha all on his own, without anyone else in the room with him and even had an almost normal-for-them conversation with him. he thought he was doing better and then taking this step just punched him in the face with how bad he still is.

he didn't like seeing sascha bury his face in kitty's neck. he didn't like sascha stroking his hand. he didn't like the thought of sascha waking them up in the middle of the night, and he definitely didn't like the thought of sascha back in his space. most of all, though, he didn't like that that's the person he was in the face of sascha's pain. he wants so badly to do better, to make the people who decided for some reason to love him and let him into their lives proud. he doesn't want to just do the right thing - he also wants to want to do it in the moment, not struggle with it so badly.

he would be horrified if he were ever to figure out who he's reminding her of now. and he thought it couldn't get worse than being compared to reid. ]

What if it doesn't? [ it's a horrifying thought, one he only now dares bring up for the first time. ]

It is. [She's seen the progress from him getting out to him being able to comfort her on the Windrose.] It has been. I promise.

[But she's a little afraid of the "what if it doesn't" too.] It's just hard. It's like recovering from an injury. You have to take it easy for awhile as it mends and it does better and then you push it too far and it hurts again. You just have to find your pace.

[ he knew to do that with kara - until he almost lost her and then none of it mattered anymore and he told himself he has two options - be okay or be okay, and it worked. he knows this is different, this is a much bigger deal, but he can't help being frustrated that's it's not working here. he just wants to put this behind him already. ]

That's definitely not one of my superpowers. [ he never excelled at pacing himself, he charges ahead and takes on way too much. and not all injuries heal, he knows that first hand. ]

Not mine either. [Should she have told him not to try it yet? Would that have been obvious to someone else? Someone less damaged? Doe she hurt him more than help him?]

[ he finally allows himself to lean on her - physically, if not emotionally. ]

Guess I need a new evil plan.

[ if sascha hadn't been so miserable, he probably could have handled it better, made it through his 20 minutes, and they'd be smiling and making out after. but the atroma always has to mess everything up. ]

[She actually feels a little better as he leans on her. More useful.] How about the one where we just hold each other until we want food?

I guess I can do that.

[ he kind of wishes, not for the first time, that he could find someone to really help him, because he's sure it would be nice to be able to tell her some of the things going through his mind, she'd be able to put at least some of his fears to rest - she's done it before. alas. ]

[Well, she definitely wouldn't suggest Charles for that anymore. She won't be going back to him for that herself. She'll just do her best with the resources she has and do her best for Winn too. Just like she knows he always does for her.]

We could also talk about anything. [This or anything but this.]

[ charles was never really an option for him. even if he'd put aside his fear of having someone in his head, it seems counterproductive to deal with his inability to talk by letting someone figure everything out without him needing to say a word. ]

Anything, huh? [ she gets half a smile. ] How about those Cubs?

[As it turns out words are said with Charles. Sometimes they are just the wrong words.]

Always winning in my heart. [But actually always losing at least during the vague time period she's from.]

[ he was way too uncomfortable with the guy to open up to him even before he disappointed kitty. the atroma needs to kidnap more psychologists. ]

That's the only victory I care about.

[ he smiles a little more genuinely this time. they both know his feelings about sports: he doesn't have any. ]

[She nuzzles against him.] You know I love you a lot, right?

[ his runs his fingers through her hair quietly. it's always nice to hear, ad he does know, but it's hard when he's not particularly fond of himself at the moment. ]

I love you too.

You better.

I'm still really proud of you for today.

For what, I messed up.

[ he couldn't even make it through a full 20 minutes, when sascha really needed them. but it just felt like if he kept standing them he was gonna end up having to agree to let sascha sleep over or something and that is just out of the question no matter how bad he feels for him. ]

For trying. [Rubbing his back.]

I don't think 'A for effort' counts in this type of situation.

[ when people are this vulnerable, you have to succeed. ]

Why not?

Because it's not like I'm failing at a science fair - this is - trying to make the people I care about feel better and ending up hurting them.

[ there's a very clear note of frustration in his voice now. ]

You were getting hurt and you're just as important. You weren't looking to hurt anyone. You were just trying to keep yourself together. I'm okay and Sascha is going to be okay.

[ he's just going to go ahead and skip the part about him being just as important (even though her understanding what was happening means the world to him, he's just so unhappy with the fact that it happened). ]

How do you know, it's not like he'd tell us if he isn't.

[ in this way - he and sascha are kind of the same, except sascha doesn't have those bitter, sulky cues winn does. they'd both tell her what they think she wants to hear to feel better. ]

[She looks thoughtful at that.] Because he's very old and he is still putting himself out there with people. He's a lot stronger than he seems.

He's been lonely for all those years, he'd put up with any behavior just to have some company.

[ the only way it could be more obvious he's speaking from experience is if one of the ships decided to fly-by and space write it. he put up with a lot of indignant and even hurtful behaviors just to get to stay close to the people he loves. he's only recently started to stand up for himself, and each time he has has been wrought with misery and fear that this would be it, that because he couldn't put up silently with this one thing, he's going to be friendless and alone again. ]

[Yeah, she's getting that.] What would you want if you were him right now?

[ he pauses to ponder that and shakes his head. ]

I don't know.

[ because like sascha, he also puts everyone else first, so he'd care more about his own well being if he were sascha right now. he'd want him to do what he needs to do to feel better and come back to sascha-him. ]