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driftfleet2017-01-04 10:19 am
monolike) wrote in driftfleet2017-01-04 10:19 am
Entry tags:
Jan 3rd - Broadcast
Who: Sorey & y'all
Broadcast: Huntress & fleetwide
Action: n/a
When: Jan 3rd
[ Broadcast: Huntress only ]
Hey everybody, this is Sorey. I'm just checking in, seeing if everything's okay. Oh, and paperwork for new upgrades will be coming in soon, so if there's anything anybody would like to see upgraded, cast your votes now!
Oh also, we don't have any lab support personnel. I know Mikleo's been doing some stuff but if you know anybody looking to transfer who'd like the use of the lab, could you let 'em know? I'll include a call out in my public broadcast in a sec.
Okey dokey, that's all for now! If anything comes up, don't hesitate to contact me or Mikleo!
[ Broadcast: all ]
I'm kind of curious; so there are a lot of different kinds of forces or energies here that are a lot like the ones back on my planet, but they don't seem to behave the same way here. Like the rules are different. Is anybody else running against that?
And as an aside, if there's any potential lab personnel looking for a place, the Huntress has an unoccupied lab, for now.
Broadcast: Huntress & fleetwide
Action: n/a
When: Jan 3rd
[ Broadcast: Huntress only ]
Hey everybody, this is Sorey. I'm just checking in, seeing if everything's okay. Oh, and paperwork for new upgrades will be coming in soon, so if there's anything anybody would like to see upgraded, cast your votes now!
Oh also, we don't have any lab support personnel. I know Mikleo's been doing some stuff but if you know anybody looking to transfer who'd like the use of the lab, could you let 'em know? I'll include a call out in my public broadcast in a sec.
Okey dokey, that's all for now! If anything comes up, don't hesitate to contact me or Mikleo!
[ Broadcast: all ]
I'm kind of curious; so there are a lot of different kinds of forces or energies here that are a lot like the ones back on my planet, but they don't seem to behave the same way here. Like the rules are different. Is anybody else running against that?
And as an aside, if there's any potential lab personnel looking for a place, the Huntress has an unoccupied lab, for now.
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He's held grudges before, when he felt wronged. Resented the lack of apologies. This time... not at all. He hadn't noticed because he hadn't considered it important enough to want.
I didn't blame you. I didn't hate you or anything. But you already know that, don't you?
It doesn't stop Sorey from dwelling on it, though. That much has been obvious since the day he came back. Sorey's been so close since then, clingy almost, taking care of him as much as possible, barely refusing even the slightest request (especially at the beginning), giving him time and space instead of asking him too many questions. He'd almost fallen a second time, by himself, because of holding too much in. it's the reason they'd vowed to be honest with each other going forward. And yet this, of all things, is what Sorey has been holding in for months.
Idiot. You should have said something sooner.
He's not even sure if he means Sorey, or himself.
It would be so easy, he knows, to brush this aside. To console Sorey and tell him it's okay, it doesn't matter anymore, it wasn't his fault. Part of that would be true; they all shared the blame, after all, and he chose to fall when Sorey did without feeling much in the way of regret. Sorey turned him because he allowed himself to be turned.
But it's not okay. It does matter. And it would be irresponsible and illogical to suggest that Sorey isn't to blame for what happened. He is. If the blame is shared, it still means that Sorey has to share it, too. That is perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with: the idea of blaming him at all. He's always hated when others criticize or blame Sorey for things; to blame him personally would be contrary and cruel. He already blames himself eno-
....
He already blames himself, whether anyone else does or not.
Slowly, his fingers ease off again, granting only a few more gentle strokes before going still once more. He moves his hands to touch Sorey's shoulders, to push him backwards instead of holding him close- to force him to show his face, so Mikleo can look him in the eyes, miserable and tear-stained and grieving as they are.]
Sorey, look at me.
[His own eyes are calm and serious, his voice soft, as if afraid of his own response. He doesn't know if this is the right thing to do, or the right thing to say, but he's promised to be honest, too.]
I know.
[It's okay to acknowledge that you did it. That you were wrong.
That... you hurt me.]
...I forgive you.
[I'm still with you, no matter what.]
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But they never talk about it. They've never- so even though he wouldn't, he can't, he still could and Sorey would never know.
Would that have been better? Sorey never knowing for certain, but still knowing in his heart that Mikleo doesn't blame him? Which will be worse? Mikleo telling him he can't deal with this, breaking down, feeling anger, regret, fear, or Mikleo brushing it away? Sorey don't say that, it's not your fault, I should've-
Neither, both, they would both be horrible. Sorey wouldn't- he can't handle Mikleo blaming himself, can't handle hurting Mikleo with yet another one of his selfish requests. He knows what he's asking here, and he knows Mikleo must know, but Mikleo could never-
Sorey, look at me.
Mikleo's expression is calm, quiet; pure, like the still surface of the world's cleanest lake, like the gentle burble of a snow-melted stream. Sorey can't help but stare. Mikleo has always been beautiful. Not just because of how he looks but who he is, found as a baby beside Sorey in the forest, a child of the world with Sorey a child of men. Once in a fit of arrogance he'd wondered if they were created for each other, as they giggled and read together their favorite fairy tale, the water seraph and the man who loved each other from afar.
I know.
Sorey clutches at Mikleo's clothes. Could he? Could he be blaming Sorey? It's no less than he deserves, no less than Mikleo should do, but if he hears it he thinks he might die here, just lie down and die. Mikleo is both a part of his world and is his world. Sorey will have nothing if Mikleo tells him he can't-
"Seraphim are incredible."
Mikleo blurs in Sorey's vision; he reaches, his voice high and weak in his own ears-]
Really? Mikleo? You really-?
[Mikleo's face is cool in his hands, always cool and clean as glass. Sorey gazes upon his face as if he's finally seen the true face of a god.
"They'll forgive just about anyone of anything. Even things that don't need to be forgiven."
Sorey kneels there at Mikleo's feet, reaching up in prayer, in reverence, as he looks upon the one person in this entire living universe who could tell him what he needs to hear to be truly saved.]
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This... he hadn't expected this, at all, and he doesn't know how to take it.
I don't want it.]
Stop- stop it-
[The words are out before he can even think about them, leaning back, one hand lifting to press against Sorey's forehead, fingers trying to cover his eyes. Cover what he sees. He feels half-panicked, scrambling for solid ground again, for some semblance of familiarity, for how they were before. Anything but that, that look-]
Stop looking at me like that...!
[Maybe that was the wrong thing to say, after all. Sorey's looking at him the way Alisha used to, the way the humans unfamiliar with witnessing the power of a seraph would stare in awe and wonder. Sorey's looking at him the way he does with Lailah sometimes, a pillar of age and wisdom and guidance and it's wrong, it's all wrong. Sorey's not supposed to see him like that. Sorey's supposed to laugh and tease him, elbow him and tickle him and call him Meebo just to get him angry, Sorey's supposed to see him as a friend and an equal and not anything higher, anything more.
I don't want it.
I don't want this to change!
Panic gives way to anger, and he finally shoves Sorey off and stands up, fists clenched at his sides.]
Can't you just say 'thank you', you idiot!?
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Then he gets a good look at Mikleo's face and it clicks, that he's embarrassed, that Sorey asking him like that is the same thing as whenever Sorey tries to compliment him or talk him up, or tell him he's lovely and he gets all pissed off and avoids it by calling Sorey biased or some other such nonsense.
He never gets it. This has always been a point of contention between them, both back home and here, the differences between humans and seraphim of which Sorey is becoming ever more aware. Sorey always let it go before but enough, it's enough, they're never going to understand each other if they don't talk about it. Or argue, which is probably what's going to happen judging by the look on Mikleo's face.
So he stands up too, straightening out the gift Mikleo made him.] No, I can't! [He wipes his nose angrily, a little irritated that he's still on the tail end of a crying fit.] What's the big idea, why are you upset with me?
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[Mikleo gestures, frustrated, as if that alone would ever be enough to clear the air. How does he explain this, when he doesn't even understand why Sorey would show him a face like that, why he would ever be able to revere or admire his family as they're some otherworldly beings? They're different, they have powers, sure, and some people worship what they don't understand, but not Sorey of all people...]
You're looking at me like it's some great, amazing thing, that I can forgive you. Like it's unnatural, when it isn't that at all! If our roles were reversed, if I'd been the one to corrupt you, wouldn't you do the same for me!?
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[SHUT UP YOU'RE DUMB]
It's fine to be happy, even grateful, but don't start putting me on a pedestal for something as simple as not hating you!
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It's not simple! It's not even close to simple! You- everybody even, all of you guys, all of you keep forgiving me for what I did so easily! Do you think I don't know why?
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[Because he's pretty sure Sorey's idea of why and their actual motives are very different.]
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[It bursts out of Sorey's mouth, his chest, like the feeling had struggled free and ripped away from his clutches. His jaw clicks shut immediately after he says it, fists shaking at his sides. The surge of emotion from his apology, from Mikleo's acceptance and then rejection, all of it wells back up into an ugly tangled mess that Sorey has to pull apart, has to examine, no matter how badly he doesn't want to. He has to do it, for everyone's safety, for his own and he hates it.]
Because- because you all expect it. Zavied, Lailah- they've said as much. Dezel hasn't said it but it's obvious, because it always happens, all humans have done for hundreds of years is just hurt seraphim-
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[Mikleo can't hold it in, a lightning-quick rejection of every word. He'd known Sorey was wrong, but that- that's too far. It's too horrible, toeing the line of self-loathing that he can't bear to see in someone he treasures. It's frightening.]
You say that like humans are the only ones who fall and do terrible things, or the only ones who screw up. It isn't true at all! Before he joined our group, Zaveid killed hellions! Edna hates humans who don't know any better! Lailah can't talk about it, but she's made mistakes with her previous Shepherds, too! And that's not even getting into what Dezel did to Rose for years! And I--
[He hesitates, because this- this is hard. It's been building for a long time now, since they left Elysia, since they left Glenwood, since that awful planet where the poison in the water let slip the poison in his mind while they were armatized. While he couldn't hide it.
Maybe that's where this all started. Maybe he should have acknowledged it then.
Steeling himself, he closes his eyes, shoulders hunching.]
...I... I let what everyone said back home get to me, even though I knew it hurt you. I'm no better than Gramps when it comes to judging other humans.
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Why would he? There are some humans, maybe even many of them, most of them, who want nothing more than the peaceful coexistence of their races; Sorey doesn't doubt that in the slightest. Those who lust for war and upset, they're the aberrations, but a person doesn't have to be an aberration to hurt and destroy the things they hold dear. Isn't Sorey evidence enough of that?
It's not that humans are inherently bad. And that's not what Gramps had said back home either; Sorey hadn't realized it, and maybe neither had Mikleo, truly. Gramps never called humans bad. He'd called them dangerous.]
Gramps was right.
[Humans, whether they mean to be or not, are dangerous. Humans make malevolence, not seraphim; humans are the one with the impure hearts. Human turmoil churns up the darkness in the world, wars breed hellions, which prey on seraphim and humans alike. Sorey isn't fool enough to believe something radical, like the eradication of humans would be better off; everybody alive deserves to live, but to ignore the dangers humans present is just as Gramps said. Foolish and naive.]
I'm not saying humans are terrible or malicious by nature, and I'm not saying that seraphim are perfect pure beings. But humans- we're dangerous, Mikleo. We're prideful, and short-sighted, and easily swayed. I'm not going to be a proper Shepherd if I refuse to understand that.
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...That still... isn't why.
[He finally straightens up, meeting Sorey's eyes, as stubborn and fierce as he'll ever be. He won't back down on this. Sorey can argue about the nature of humans or seraphim until his ears bleed but he will never convince Mikleo that the choice he's made has anything to do with what he is.]
I- all of us- we've forgiven you because it's you! Not because you're human, or that we're seraphim, or that we expect it because of both of those things! It's because you mean more to us than anything you've ever done or could do! We're your family!
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But, Mikleo's right about this, too.]
I know, [Sorey says softly, gaze slipping down from Mikleo's face to his collar.] And you are. Everybody, Mikleo- you are. [He looks back up, squaring his shoulders.] So, I'm sorry you hate it, but...but I'm allowed to admire you. I can admire you for forgiving me of something I can't forgive myself of. I'm not going to be ashamed of that.
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...Do you see us differently, then? Me?
[He's not sure he can stand that- for what happened to change how things are so irrevocably, for Sorey to see them the way that regular humans might. For them to be anything more, something ethereal and out of reach. In so many ways since his return they've gotten closer, but...]
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He never hated himself for not being able to do that, for being unable to truly understand the song of the wind or the thrum of the earth, and he's never spent a day lonely, but...]
...c'mon, [he leans back against the desk, looking down at his hands in his lap.] I don't have to be a seraph to be family, right?
[That's probably answer enough.]
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Mikleo sits back down on the bed, unable or simply unwilling to look up again. He does, doesn't he? His perspective has changed, seeing seraphim and humans in a different light, now that he's experienced the worst of them. Now that he's been the worst of them. What the hell is he supposed to say to this?]
...You've been family the whole time. You don't need me to tell you that.
[It feels like such a weak answer, a default response to Sorey's distraction from the real problem, but he doesn't know what else to do. Is there any way to change his mind? Mikleo's wracking his brain but he just wants to reject the very idea of it, that Sorey might think less of himself for something he can't even help.
Dangerous. Dangerous, like they're an inherent burden on the world just by existing. Every cold and cautious thought he'd ever had about humans outside of Elysia, all the warnings that Gramps used to pass along to the both of them, every criticism... he can't stop thinking about it. For years they'd heard it, and he'd only ever defended Sorey, not humans themselves. How must that have felt?]
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Mikleo? [he asks worriedly, fidgeting with his fingers, rubbing over his nails.]
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It just doesn't feel right to him. Agreeing with it, smiling placidly and letting it be- he'd be dishonest to do that. It won't help either of them if he's the one lying about how he feels, instead.]
Hey, Sorey... remember, in that one iris gem we found... the Earthen Historia showed us how Symonne manipulated humans over the years? Even without resonance, they were able to hear the will of Heldalf and become corrupted through her. A lot of people must've suffered or died because of it.
[He doesn't wait for Sorey to answer, continuing onwards while the words are still cooperating with him.]
And Uno, Rohan, Morgrim, Forsea, Alken... they were ashamed of what happened to them, every one of them. They never blamed humans for their becoming hellions- only their own weakness. Even if the malevolence in the world played a part, they would know themselves better than we did. I'm sure they had their reasons.
[He should've paid more attention back then- to their words, their mistakes, the lessons taken away from the fates they'd met and been saved from. Remembering it now is humbling, and he's grateful. He's felt that shame now and he understands it better than he ever could back then.]
And... then there's Eizen. To have made Zaveid promise to kill him like that... he must've known he was changing. What we never learned is why. How was he corrupted? Wasn't there anyone who could help him? Why'd he put it all on Zaveid's shoulders like that? How many people did he kill?
[These days he wonders, sometimes, what Eizen was like before he changed. He never used to think much of it- Zaveid never liked to bring it up, and he always felt badly for upsetting Edna no matter how much she teased him the rest of the time, so it isn't something he could really ask about. Did he suffer, trapped in that body? Was he ever aware of what he was doing? Was there a time in the early days where he'd listen to Edna's voice, the way Mikleo himself had listened to Sorey? Would he, over time, have lost that instinctive recognition of the one he loved the way Eizen had, if he hadn't died so early in his transformation? Would he have tried to--
...That... is probably a road he shouldn't walk down. He shakes it off and slowly, finally, he lifts his head, focusing cautiously on Sorey again.]
You get what I'm saying, right?
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Isn't that because their scope is greater? Sorey can't go one conversation with Lailah without saying something that hurts her feelings, but that must be because he simply doesn't understand like she does. Right?]
Seraphim aren't perfect beings. But worshiping seraphim- it's a mutually beneficial system. It's coexistence. [And Sorey had heard that implication too, at the mention of Eizen.
I'm not perfect.
Mikleo had become a dragon, and it doesn't take a spiritual connection to know he carries a lot of darkness around with him because of it. He'd even started collecting malevolence over his denial, over trying to tell himself he's okay. Maybe...maybe Sorey shouldn't have brought this up like this. Mikleo is still struggling with so much, and Sorey just dumped this onto his head without a single concern as to whether or not Mikleo's even ready for it.]
We wanted coexistence. Didn't we?
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[Mikleo frowns tightly, brows furrowing. Sorey's words - his particular phrasing - reminds him of something else he'd forgotten.]
Back when Morgrim agreed to bless Pendrago again, something she said stuck with me. She said it doesn't really help anyone if she just exchanges the prayers of humans for her blessing. And we've seen the downside of that, with seraphim who've tried before- the humans take the protector seraph for granted, and the seraph resents the humans for forgetting their sacrifice. With no way to communicate, no equality between the two, it all falls apart. The way things stand, seraphim are just merchants selling blessings instead of goods.
Morgrim said the seraphim need to reconsider their roles. I think she meant... to truly coexist, we have to be more aware and proactive in maintaining more than just the blessing. It isn't just give and take, but... finding a level ground, mutual understanding between the two... that's what's been missing the whole time.
[Even as he says it, it comes together in his mind, like that final puzzle piece snapping into place, the last switch pulled to open a door. His eyes widen, fingers tightening in the bedsheets.]
Sorey, what you're suggesting isn't coexistence... it's co-dependence. It isn't the same thing.
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Sorey knows it, of course, obviously. The definitions are different, but...]
Mikleo- ...we'd been spending weeks searching for seraphim to return blessings to places. Are you saying we've been going about it the wrong way?
[Because that's what he's getting. And he knows Morgrim is wise, a seraph her age can't be anything but, but to say that seraphim worship is co-dependence strikes Sorey as unbearably condescending, to both humans and seraphim.]
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[A part of that broken relationship is due to the Lord of Calamity, sure, and the state of the world itself, but it hasn't been this bad for that long, as far as they know. On the other hand, the gap between humans and seraphim has existed for hundreds of years. Resonance is so rare that even devout, uncorrupted churchgoers can't perceive a seraph right in front of them. A Shepherd can only do so much- they need more people to get involved and communicating, both humans and seraphim alike.
He hesitates again, now, because... well, it's another thing they haven't talked about. He hasn't brought up Sorey's messages since the day he'd come back, as they'd felt like too much of a sensitive topic - the same could be said of the messages he'd left. Even so, it's too important to ignore.]
Sorey, you've said before... the relationship the two of us have, how close we are- that's the ideal you're going for. That you want more people to experience this. Is that still true?
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But coexistence has happened before. There's evidence of it everywhere- in ruins, in the trial shrines, with seraphic artes and the like. And there are documents detailing how humans used to worship seraphim that predate the Age of Chaos. I don't think it's right to throw all of that aside because you're worried about people taking it too far.
I mean- I pray to that shrine, Mikleo, every day. Does that make you uncomfortable?
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And there's a reason why, despite his early objections, he'd not-so-subtly put that stupid snowglobe back. Turns out it'd been much easier to accept it when Sorey praying by an object that represented him was a joke rather than something genuine.]
That depends. Are you praying for us, or to us?
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