driftfleet | Windrose January Mingle

Nothing! You didn't do anything wrong. [She takes a deep breath trying to calm herself back down. She needs to think about this. Not let her heart get carried away into dark past things that don't apply to her life here and now. That don't apply to Winn.]

I didn't really think you'd do that. But I was worried it would bother you and you'd keep it to yourself and be hurt by it. I don't want that either and it's not something you can really control. It's nothing that's wrong with anything you did. But I'm protective because for so long that's all I had.

[She squeezes his hand.] Please be patient with me. We're just trying to figure all this out.

Edited 2017-01-11 00:10 (UTC)

[ he turns his gaze downwards and takes a breath. he's riled up, and he doesn't want to make another mistake, to say another thing he'll regret.

but at the same time, he does want to adhere to their promise - if they can't be honest, if they can't take the little hurts, they can't really be together. ]

If you wanna protect me then stop throwing my insecurities in my face as a reason why I can't be trusted. It hurts a lot more than any story about anything anyone else did. [ he looks back up at her ] Is all of this because I was jealous of Tyrion? Or worried about other good looking man around you at a time I wasn't even sure I could call what we were doing dating? Is this what's going to happen every time I admit to a negative emotion, it'll become all I am?

Winn, I don't know what to say. [She feels like she's just digging a deeper an deeper hole and she doesn't want that. And it feels like anything she does say is going to be held against her which is what he's saying he's feeling too and she didn't mean for that to happen.]

You means everything to me. What do you need me to do?

I need you to be honest with me. That's it. If you feel like you can't talk to me cuz I'm unreasonably jealous - tell me and I'll work on it. But if you don't, don't lie to me about it to cover up what's really bothering you - it's not fair.

[ and it's making him feel like less of a man. he takes a breath, and her hand - looking her in the eyes because this part it important. ]

Do you think I don't understand having hangups, a past? Do you think I wouldn't understand having trust issues? My father drugged me, kidnapped me, and tried to make me commit murder for him - I get trust issues. I get needing time. I get being afraid of losing something that feels way too good for me to have in the first place. I'll probably never believe I deserve you, but Kitty - I deserve better than being labeled 'jealous boyfriend - do not aggravate'. And so do you.

[A tear slips down her cheek as he starts talking about feeling like she's too good for him. But she keeps looking back at him, squeezing his hand.]

It did feel unreasonable with Tyrion at the time because I couldn't imagine being with anyone but you. It felt like you didn't trust me, but it hasn't been like that since, and I should trust that you're changing too.

I have trust issues. [Said in a weak sort of voice like this is hard to admit even though it's probably the most obvious and understandable thing in the world.] And I'm terrified of losing you because of them. Because of anything I am or was or do. I'm not good enough for you, but I want to be.

[ he gently wipes that tear and all the will to stick up for himself blows out of him, like air out of a torn balloon. ]

I love you for everything you are and were and do. I can deal with trust issues - you're worth the wait. [ but he definitely doesn't feel like he can continue with the opening up he's been trying to do.

it doesn't matter. he's been complaining too much as it is. he's 30 years old now, it's time to get over his childhood. ]

[She moves forward, clinging to him. Breath coming out shakily. For as good as that is to hear everything about this was hard from the moment he said she didn't trust him. She felt him leaving her even though he wasn't. It may only be harder to be honest and forthcoming in the future especially if it feels like he's holding back. But she's not thinking about that right now. Maybe once her nerves have calmed she'll have a healthier take away. Right now, she's just relieved he didn't break up with her.]

[ he holds her and strokes her hair with one hand, the other rubbing her back.

they have kind of a chicken-and-egg situation going with their trust issues, and he knows it's nowhere near resolved. he's still hurting from the things she said, the defenses he didn't use echoing in his mind, but he does what he can to let it go. she's hurting now too, and that's always more important to him. ]

[She just lets him comfort her even though she feels like there's so much more she should be doing and saying for his sake.

His pain is important to her too. The hardest part is keeping the focus there when she gets overwhelmed with the feeling of things slipping away. All she wants to do is make it better. It's hard to discuss different points and reach common ground and make strategies for improvement and make the other person feel heard and valued when all you want in that moment is to be held and told you're worth loving. She doesn't mean to distract from it. She comes by all this honestly even if it doesn't make it any easier to work with in the moment.

So much of his is left over trauma from what happened at the end with Reid—and it was a very long, grueling end. They couldn't have found a more painful way to break up if the two geniuses had put their minds together to design one. She knows he's not Reid...but she's still her and she worries it was all her fault. She knows it couldn't be. That it takes two, but on a deeper, emotional, primal level there were times when Reid was yelling at her when it felt like all her fault.

And then there's that other thing. The one that's always somewhere in the back of her mind. The thought that she was never supposed to exist. She's the wrong version of herself. The bad one. The broken girl from the broken world that got created by accident. The world so bad they were ready to "reset" it. To end. To die. To make it the way it was supposed to be because nothing could ever be worse. And even though Kurt is here now and she knows their world didn't end after the "reset" she's still not sure it changes what it was especially when things only got more painful and impossibly worse after she was supposed to die.]

[ he's not a fan of the reid comparisons - but he understands them. it's not like he doesn't do it himself, in little ways - not compare her to a specific ex, but compare things to his past, often unfairly. and he also understands - perhaps too well - that she's been through a lot more than he has, that she needs the reassurance more than him, it's partly why he's so quick to put himself aside the few instances he does speak up.

it's hard, though. not knowing if this is ever going to get better. if she's ever going to look at him and just see him and not one of her exes or whatever low moment he slipped up at and allowed her to see. it's hard feeling like on the one hand she's constantly begging him to open up to her but on the other when he does - it's going to be held against him and thrown in his face even when it's not the issue. it's hard feeling like he's not supposed to feel. how can he control his feelings? he can't do that any more than she can force herself to trust him fully.

but despite that, he has no doubt that his life would be infinitely worse without her, that he could never do any better.

he kisses the top of her head and keeps holding her. ]

[It's a little while before her tight clinging loosens into something more natural and relaxed and longer still before she breaks the silence.] I'm sorry, Winn. [She sniffles. Her voice not sounding completely clear yet, but getting there. There's more to say in less vague ways, but she wants to start there. See if she's herself enough to do it.]

[ he gives the top of her head another reassuring little kiss. ]

It's okay.

[She nuzzles in against him for a moment before shifting back so her words can reach him.] Thank you for making it okay, but I want you to know why I'm sorry.

[She takes a deep breath.] For this. For getting scared because of things in the past that aren't you and letting it take over when we should be able to talk about something. [Another sniffle.] You have feelings too, and you should be able to let them out with me falling apart. [She used to be a lot more resilient but there was also an armor there. She was defending against things, not letting them in. And he needs a version of her where she can take them in and stay strong. She wants to be that for him.]

And for making you feel like I look at you and see jealousy or anger or any bad things. [She wants to meet his eyes for this.] You are so beautiful to me. I know you aren't perfect, but when I think of you I think of love, warmth, humor, intelligence, sexiness, and generosity like I've never known.

I want to do better by you. [Oh, she feels tears prickling at her eyes ago. She takes another deep breath.]

[ he gently wipes the corner of her eye before leaning in to kiss her cheek. ]

Thank you. [ for hearing him out, for understanding. he couldn't bear it if she looked at him and seen a beast she's afraid to poke. he's made such headway dealing with his fears of himself but if she feared him? it would all be lost. ] I think we're off to a pretty good start here. [ he even smiles a little bit at that. have a problem - talk it out. if they need a cuddling interval in there, he can definitely handle that. ]

I'm sorry I scared you. [ it's the last thing he ever wants to do. ] I know it's hard for you to believe but - even when I get upset, I don't love you any less. No part of my life will be better without you. I'm not leaving you.

[She kisses him in response to that. There's a lot of feeling in it, but she doesn't hold it long. Breathing is challenge after all that emotion.]

I know it, and then some ridiculous lizard-brained part of me gets upset anyway. [There's a little smile.] Thank you for always reminding me. I love you so much.

I love you too. [ he smiles a little more this time. ] Ridiculous lizard-brained part and all. It goes well with mine.

[She smiles too and gives him a peck on the lips.] We're good for each other. I believe that.

I know it.

[ he boops her nose. ]

[Can't be too bad if there is nose bopping, right?]

You know, I kind of like that you got angry at him on behalf of feminism. [Not that it wasn't also extremely problematic but it's also sweet.]

[ that's exactly the message he hoped she would get from it. ]

Being surrounded by heroic girls is bound to rub off on a guy eventually.

Allen gave me some leather for Hannukah. We could make you a cape.

Unless you're flying, capes are lame.

[ and if he's not eating animals he's definitely not excited about wearing them. ]

[That gets a laugh out of her.] Magneto wore a cape. I think a lot of the other X-Men followed suit just because. He was a great leader for battle. Less sure about fashion.

[She hadn't really considered that aspect of it. Hopefully it doesn't go to waste!]

[ she can still use it! ]

Your ability to get away with ridiculous costume choices is a reflection of your badassary. [ he nods. so he can't get away with any, basically. ]

[She can't turn them into clothes by herself! But that's a talk for another time. She can always find someone else to handle it if Winn bows out.] Oh, Kurt can tell you all about some of my early costume choices and how very unbadass I looked in them.

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