06 - video

[winn]

Who: Winn Schott and you
Broadcast: Video
Action: Tourist
When: Friday

[ there's something off about winn when the feed turns on. something different from all his other broadcasts. it may take a second to spot it but once you realize what it is it becomes glaringly obvious: there's not a hint of happiness anywhere on his face. his eyes, his lips, his nose, it looks like every last bit of joy has been drained from his features, so even when his lips do stretch lightly upwards, despite his dry eyes it feels more like watching him sob than seeing him smile. ]

Margaery's gone home. [ he has no way of knowing that. she could have been kidnapped to another world, one where she would have no protective big brother to introduce her to superheroes and feminism, to embroider with her and teach her science. but he chooses to hang onto that thought, to believe that she's gone back to the family he knows she so desperately missed despite never letting her pain show. he clears his throat. ] If any of her friends wanna come by for a toast and some stories, I'll be on the Tourist all day.

[ he has been on the tourist since he realized she disappeared, curled up in his bed, shut down. this is the most he's said since, and it feels almost like an outer body experience. he clears his throat again, and nods at the camera before killing the feed. ]

Comments

[winn]

Bunch of stuff that rhymes with mad. [ sad, bad. not glad. ]

[passingthrough]

I thought you were looking a little rad over here. [Gently brushing her fingers through his hair.]

[winn]

[ he is not in the mood to joke, so he doesn't even respond to that. ]

[passingthrough]

[She just keeps him cuddled quietly for a few minutes before breaking the silence again.] You need to sit up to eat.

[winn]

I'm not hungry, thanks.

[passingthrough]

Not a request.

[winn]

[ not an approach he responds to well. ]

Not a child.

[passingthrough]

[She sits up and looks at him.] You need to eat something. I'm not trying for three meals a day here. [Okay, trying, maybe, but not pushing, just offering some of the time.]

[winn]

[ he knows she's right. he knows to insist would be childish. but the thought of food is so unappealing to him right now, same for the thought of sitting up. all he wants to do is shut his eyes and sleep. he's had enough. how much more of this can he be expected to take? he remembers pinkie, right before she disappeared. she was so sad about lost friends...is this it for him, too, is his misery going to make him too boring to watch, send him home?

it's that thought that pushes him up. he'll go home on his own terms. ]

[passingthrough]

Thank you. [She rests her head against his for a moment before getting up to bring the plate to him. There's a sandwich and on that plate and he'll find what looks to be a lighter shade of peanut butter. It will even taste a lot like it.]

[winn]

[ turns out, he's not miserable enough to ignore such a miraculous find. his eyes widen slightly in surprise as he tastes it, and then turn towards kitty, narrowed back in concentration. ]

How?

[passingthrough]

They are big into seeds. They just don't seem to know they are more delicious ground up. [She experimented a little before finding one that was more like peanut butter than others, but most of them were decent at least but sometimes the color was more off-putting.]

[winn]

[ he dips his finger into it and licks it. it's been so long since he's had peanut butter that he's not even sure if he can spot the difference anymore. it's delicious.

congratulations, kitty, he is actually going to wolf down that sandwich and lick every last bit of whatever butter this is. ]

[passingthrough]

[It's really good to see him eat.] I put several jars in the kitchen. There are a couple different kinds. The purple one is surprisingly good.

[winn]

[ he nods a little, almost tempted to ask for a jar and a spoon. if they're in the kitchen, they'll be gone by tomorrow.

the thought of how he'd love to introduce margaery to it shoves him back down, it's like he's playing a terrible game of shoots and ladders. ]

Thanks. [ he hands her the plate back. if she takes it, he'll curl back up in bed. ]

[passingthrough]

[It's okay. She has a big bag of seed so she can make more. She'll stash some away for just them too. She takes the plate and lets him curl up again. She hoped that would perk him up a little more, but it was something.] Sure. [Reaching over to stroke his hair.]

[winn]

[ he shifts, laying his head against her leg. ]

[passingthrough]

[That makes her smile faintly.] Do you want to talk about it?

[winn]

What's there to talk about.

[ she's gone and he's heartbroken, and scared of losing more people, scared of what's waiting for her at home. ]

[passingthrough]

How you feel about everything. About her. About anything.

[winn]

What you think I feel, I feel.

[passingthrough]

Yeah. [Softly. Still stroking his hair. Probably not the best way to do that, but since she would assume it's all those things from that bracket above then they are on the same page whether they know it for sure or not.]

[winn]

[ he knows he'll feel better if he talks about it, but maybe that's partly why he doesn't want to. this shouldn't feel better. losing family is supposed to hurt.

he falls quiet again, but reaches up to touch whichever part of her is within easiest reach, tracing faint circles with his fingertips. ]

[passingthrough]

[It's nice that he reaches out too. That he still shows little Winn signs. She knows he'll get through this. She just wish she could make the struggle easier somehow. Maybe she is. Or maybe she's enabling him to stay like this longer. Or maybe that's what's best? How would she know? Nothing was ever healthy back home. You just survived whatever way you could.] I wish it got easier. [If anything she thinks it hurts more each time when someone disappears. She still misses Vision and Wrath and she definitely misses Sascha. Others too. Sometimes people she only spoke to once but had a good connection with. It's a culture of missing people and that's been her life for a very long time. At least now they aren't dead. Probably.]

[winn]

It can't.

[ they either feel pain when they lose someone they love, or they don't open up to love them in the first place. he doesn't know how to do that, he always gives people his all, he can't help himself, even when he tries to hit stop - he still ends up going. and he doesn't want to stop caring about people, the friendships he's made here, they're better than he ever dared to hope he could have. so pain it is. ]