driftfleet | Iskaulit Mingle

[Hugs are very welcome. She meets it with a hardy squeeze and lingers instead of trying to pull away immediately.] Of course I missed you. You were my best friend there. [Okay, he definitely has to share that with at least Ton, but it means no less to her for that. And it's not fair for him at all. She can't be the person he remembers. She can only be the person she is now and the person she's becoming.]

It's good to have anyone here who can remember that place, so I'm not alone in that, but I'm glad it's you. Even though...I'm sure being around me isn't what you wanted. Not this version of me.

[He pulls away before she has a chance to.] Your best friend there who is here now to hear you say that. [Teasing even if the humor behind it is a little forced. He knows that she isn't the Kitty who was coming around to loving him--the one who would have followed him home. That Kitty's gone, and it's not fair to this Kitty (who is so, so close to being her--is her, up to a point) that he's doing such an awful job of remembering that. Chekov's been frustrated time and time again by crewmates from home who expect him to be someone he isn't; he doesn't want to do that to her.

But even though he gets it, he doesn't know how to get over it. She's right here, not all that different from the Kitty he was dating less than a month ago. There was no break up, no warning, no transition... one day they were together, the next he was in a universe where she's irrevocably in love with someone else. It was too sudden and his feelings are a mess even though his brain has figured it out.

He hates not being okay when Kitty is being kinder and more understanding than she needs to be. When she wants him here. It feels like a personal failing. If he was good enough, he'd be happy right now. He wouldn't be thinking about Tessa, Lucy, all of the friends he made in the last three years, all of the friends he's lost at home--everyone who's just as gone as his Kitty. He wouldn't feel like he's losing and losing and never getting anyone back.

Because this is about more than Kitty. This is about all of the losses that he's been coping with so well catching up with him now that he's faced with a loss he doesn't know how to cope with.]

I would prefer any version of you to no you at all. [Maybe? No, that sounds true. This might be harder, but it can't be worse. He smiles unconvincingly.] I'm sure that this version of me is less than ideal for you as well.

Edited 2017-04-30 03:40 (UTC)

[His thoughts and feelings are so much like hers were about Reid. She lost him and then he came back with all the same memories but extra ones that seemed to re-contextualize her. He would call the woman he was in love with at home his first love when it had been her. Maybe that would have been okay if she'd been his last, but he pushed away from her and Kitty spent a long time trying to fight her way back to a man who was gone. A man who loved her. A man who wasn't coming back. And when she spiraled from that it wasn't just the pain of that one loss it was so much unaddressed pain from a life full of cuts that she never had time to properly treat. And it nearly swept her away except for her friends like Chekov and her duties grounding her long enough for her to find her way back.]

Even the younger, spunky one from back in the prison? [She smiles, but it softens at his last comment.] I just wish it was easier on you. You're welcome in all your forms too.

But I know what it's like wanting the one who cares about you in the way you care about them back. It hurt so much, and I don't want you to feel that. I don't know how to make it better for you. [She can't become that person. She can't live those experiences again. She can't leave Winn. She won't.]

[Chekov does know better than to fight to get back something that's gone, at least in this situation. Why start a fight that Kitty wouldn't want him to win? And he had a front row seat for what happened between Kitty and Reid; he saw how much chasing the ghost of someone who wasn't coming back hurt her.

Having some idea about what not to do isn't giving him much direction. It's been easy finding people here who respond well to friendly banter, but there's no one he's willing to seek out for support. He can't lean on Kirk or McCoy--they hardly know him anymore and they've left too many times for him to trust that they'll stay now. There's no one he's comfortable opening up to, no one other than Kitty, and he's done enough to bring her down and make her feel bad about something that isn't remotely her fault. There are no duties or tasks to lose himself in or goals to pursue, no essential roles to fill to at least give him a sense of purpose.

And he keeps telling himself that it'll get better, but he suspects that he's a liar. It's not getting better and he's too far into his head to see a solution.]

Even that one, yes. [Not his very most favorite Kitty, but still better than none!] Thank you, Kitty.

[Chekov doesn't know how to make it better, certainly doesn't expect Kitty to make it better, and has no idea what to say that won't make everything worse, so he turns the conversation.] I am glad for you--for you finding someone here who cares about you the same way that you care about them. Winn called you the love of his life. [He's certain she could have been the love of his.] It's good to know that you have someone who will always be with you.

Edited 2017-05-01 00:33 (UTC)

[Sometimes when you need to open up and it feels like there's no one to turn to you just need to pick anyone without thinking too hard about it and talk. Or maybe that's just what Kitty does and it isn't the best scenario for a lot of reasons, but sometimes it builds those deeper bonds quickly too.]

I know it's not what you wanted to find or expected, but I am happy and he treats me well and I hope I do the same for him. [And she has called Winn the love of her life, but she doesn't think repeating that to Chekov feels like the kindest of ideas.] Always being with me might be an over promise considering we don't exactly control our destinies in here, but I hope so.

[She knows there is a certain amount of peace that comes with knowing someone you love is happy and safe even if it isn't with you, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell that it isn't with you.]

[Confiding in someone without knowing them well isn't something that Chekov is about to do on purpose. Turns out that the one person here he's fallen into that trap with was Winn's best friend. Never again! Unless it happens accidentally. It's not like he's good at not talking once he gets going.]

I have no doubt that you do, and he wouldn't talk about you the way that he does if you didn't. [Her discretion is appreciated. Knowing it doesn't hurt as much as hearing it.] Someone who wants to stay with you, anyway. That's important, that intention.

[In that way, at least, this is better than what happened with Lucy. Lucy chose to return to a world where she didn't have much of anything (which never did make sense to him, and makes even less sense now). Kitty is happy and she likely has a future with someone who loves her, and God knows that she more than deserves that. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does when she's winning after so much losing.]

I know it's not the same, but for what it's worth... I want to stay with you too. I mean, I want to do it in the way where you'd come to National City too which is not your life or your world, but I don't like the thought of losing you again. So, if you got sick of space travel and you wanted a different start to go with all your others then you're invited.

[He has to hug her again, sorry, he doesn't make the rules.] I don't think that the captain or Winn would care for that very much, but thank you for wanting to keep me. I don't like the thought of losing you entirely either.

[There's a special running today—unlimited hugs as long as you don't make it weird by touching something you shouldn't!]

But, hey, in "that-isn't-really-comforting news" we could end up here for the rest of our lives with none of us ever being separated and no one getting a choice in it.

[Please, as if he would. You're thinking of Kirk.]

No prison is forever. [Even the prisons that are space.] And even if this one is an exception, there would be worse things than never leaving here.

[Kirk has never been untoward to her. Much.]

Agreed. I thought I was happy in Marina a lot of the time. It was better than home. But this is better than the prison. At least most of the time. Even if better just means it messes with our heads less frequently.

[Much. It's not like the guy even does it to be a creep, it just happens.

He can't completely censor a frown since he was pretty happy in Marina. Considerably happier than he is here--which isn't hard, honestly--and happier than he would be if he went home and kept all of his memories. (And Kitty is only trying to be positive and of course she's happier here than she was in the time she remembers in the prison, but that does sting. He needs to keep reminding himself that she isn't quite his Kitty and she doesn't remember the good things that he does.)]

Not so much better when the Atroma create difficult situations to entertain an audience. [A wince. Kitty's trying to make things okay, he needs to get it together.] ...Er. But their control is more limited and they seem disinclined to changing who we are what we think regularly, so... something to be thankful for, of course.

[She sees that frown.] Hey, I didn't mean it to sound like I was never happy in Marina. I was. I just thought it was a better place than it was. And this place could use a lot of improvement too. I've just been to a lot of places that are rough on a person and this one is least so. [If you don't count her early childhood.] The people were great in Marina, and I still miss them. Winn wants to help me rescue them if we can ever rescue ourselves from here.

[He nods to show that he follows, but can't agree that this is a better prison than Marina. Even if it objectively is (and it is in a lot of ways, he realizes that), he would absolutely go back to Marina if he could.]

Even if we are able to leave here, I think that it's highly unlikely that we would be able to help them leave there. It is a nice thought.

[She would have to before Winn.]

Since when do I ever do anything unless it sounds entirely impossible? [How is that even a point, Chekov?]

I'm almost certain that you have done things that sounded perfectly possible before. [It's just such an improbable thing and Chekov's into keeping hopes and expectations realistic right now!]

Suggesting a meal doesn't count.

Iskaulit Mingle

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject