driftfleet | selvin-9 system mingle

[ And she doesn't like hearing it, but yeah, it's an option to be put on the table. And she would have proposed it if he hadn't. Doesn't make it sting any less. She bites at the inside of her lip, thinking before she speaks. ]

That what you want?

[her lip moves in that way when she's biting it. -and he can recognize that, he knows what her expressions mean, what the shifts in her tone mean. that her brows twitching in like that means she's hurt.]

...no, [he admits lowly, looking down at his hands clasped between his knees.] I think it'd be just as damaging to deny ourselves whatever happiness we can find.

I think you're right.

[ She places a hand on top of his. This isn't easy - hell, that's why they haven't addressed any of this until now - but she wants him to know he's not the only one putting thought into this. That he isn't the only one worried about the inevitable, beneath all the good they've found in being together. ]

We... could keep going. And just not outright plan for a future we don't get to have. [ A pause... and she sighs at herself, shaking her head. ] Sounds more negative out loud than it did in my head.

[ But hopefully he gets what she means. He usually does, somehow. Still a mystery to her how he does, but she appreciates it. ]

[he sighs heavily, before turning one of his hands to hold hers, deceptively small but rough from years (decades?) of battle. their hands are different in almost every other way, but they're both rough and scarred.]

I hear you, [he murmurs, because he does. he understands what she's trying to say, it's just in his nature to analyze everything, to come up with plans, to pour over data and information and draw from it the most logical course of action. when there is no data and there is no information, he just feels...adrift.] I just don't know if that's something I'm capable of.

Yeah. I get that. [ She's not an analyst, not a planner - but she respects that he is. And she still understands that same lost feeling. ] Didn't say we have to stop planning entirely. Just... no five year plans. I guess.

[ Another pause, another sigh. ]

I want to stay together. I do. We could call it... whatever. I'm not too concerned with words for this. [ Beat. ] Pretty sure I know what Ochako would say. [ Ha. ] But... still.

What do you want? What would help?

[rolls his eyes at that aside; yeah, he already knows what ochako has to say about it. 'she's still a girl!!!' and all that nonsense...that brat.]

I don't expect you to cater to my idiosyncrasies, [aizawa points out, still brushing his thumb over her knuckles, rhythmic and subconscious.] Maybe we should both lay out what we want and need...work from there. Come to an agreement. [aizawa that makes it sound like you're drafting a lease]

Yeah, I know you don't. [ Look, it's not even catering - not like she's going way out of her way or anything.

And yeah, that does sound all procedural, but more importantly, it sounds like the way he thinks. Which she's fine with. Hell, it beats neither of them managing to find the words or means to move forward, right? ]

Okay. We can do that. [ Nod. ] So, lay out what you want and need.

[ugh. it's his suggestion so it's only fair he go first, but he'd kind of been hoping to hear what she'd say for a hint or a clue, because-]

...honestly, I've never given it much thought. [gonna have to do that now! apparently!!!] I was content to be alone. I'm- [still content isn't right. he'd survive, of course, just as she would survive without him, but it's not so simple as that.] ...I'm not sure what I need.

[ And she... actually smiles a little, shaking her head. Because honestly? Same. ]

Yeah, I've never thought about it either. Never saw any reason to. So I don't really know what I need. [ She shrugs. ] I guess typical answers would be - I don't know, trust? Support? ... But don't we already have that?

[ How in the hell do you talk about what you need when you're pretty sure that at least as far as you know, it's just... there already? ]

Be a little embarrassing if we didn't. [what with all the death-defying and not-defying they've been getting into lately. both of them have gotten rightly fucked up in the not-so-distant past, and that's part of what's triggered the need for this talk. the realization that there's another person here he would run into the fire for, and not just in his usual 'heroic duty' sort of way.]

Concerning...companionship... I'm fine with what we're doing now. Sparring, talking, being together when we feel like it. Others might think it's a little distant but I don't have a problem with that.

I want to know if you need something else, or something more.

Yeah, it would. [ They've both been put through the wringer lately, to say the least. And of course she'd known even before all of it how much they'd begun to mean to each other, but apparently there's nothing like a patch of total disaster to make you think even harder about it. ]

I'm fine with it, too. [ "Others might think..." whatever. Not their relationship. ] I like what we have, and I don't feel like anything is missing. There isn't some quota we have to make. I think it works for us, as long as you feel the same.

And if that changes, I'll say something. Same goes for you - just let me know. Anything.

[ Which is a damn powerful word, she is well aware. But... well, it came out anyway, and she isn't flinching. ]

[it's a relief to hear that she doesn't need more than he's giving, though it does rankle him a little bit that he followed uraraka's advice to ask jayden in the first place and got something he needed out of it. he just won't say anything about it to her, it's not like it's her business...but if she keeps harping on him to do things like send her flowers or whatever he'll put his foot down.

though, thinking about uraraka does bring up one more factor that requires addressing.] In regards to my student...I know you're already aware but just to reiterate she will come first in everything. I trust we're still in agreement with that, yes?

[ Fair. 'Cause honestly she wouldn't say no to flowers, she just literally does not think about things like that because why would she. ]

Of course. If she didn't, I'd be mad. [ Seriously. But along those lines... ] And if anything happens, I hope you know you can trust me with her.

[ This is the Fleet, after all. Unpredictable at the best of times. ... And it isn't the same as her teacher being there for her, sure, but she will still be there for her. ]

[who thinks of those things. ridiculous people, that's who]

I do. I have. [and he would again. just from offhanded comments ochako's made, he knows that jayden stuck to her side the entire time he was gone.

he meets her eyes and squeezes her fingers again; he's sure he's making some kind of pitiful face, some annoyingly vulnerable thing, but if there's anyone here he would be comfortable showing this face to, it's price.

the situation they're in, it's hardly ordinary. and while aizawa had never considered ever being in a relationship anyway, there's still that urge to try and apply conventional dating rules to what they have, struggle as he might against it.

'let's address the elephant in the room...' sure, of course. he's been a coward up until now, but maybe he should make good on his words.] ...I want...to protect you. [his gaze, having since falling to the toes of his shoes, lifts again, laboriously, to her face, her soft eyes, the way her strands of jet black hair fall from her tie over her shoulders.] Not from danger. Not from your own sense of duty...but from heartache. From uncertainty. Those things I saw in your memories-

...they frightened me. They scared me, because I don't know what they must have done to your heart.

[ The worry in his expression is so clear - different from the carefully neutral state he keeps at all other times. Not like she can say much. Her own worries are written all over her face, as is her concern, her insecurity... He could read her like a book so easily - but then again, he kind of already could, even before all of this.

"I want to protect you." And immediately, her mind starts formulating the typical responses - how she doesn't need that, she's fine, but that she wants to protect him, too - but then he continues, clarifies what he meant by that... and she's so unprepared for it, all thought just stops.

He expression falters. Confusion, at first. She doesn't understand, doesn't see why her memories (and lack thereof) would frighten him, but more importantly, even she can't fully grasp what it's done to her heart. ... Of all things. She closes her eyes for a second. ]

... I guess I don't know either. All I know is I take it as it comes. I can't do anything else. [ Deep breath. She looks to him again. ] Look, at the risk of sounding dramatic, uncertainty is all I know. I don't know who I was before I woke up. I don't know how I've changed, what any of this does to me. Has done to me. Either. ... You know I don't open up. And I'm sure you know why. But I'm here, and I'm with you, and for once in my life I don't feel like it's something I have to do. Or should do. I don't know what that says about my heart and what's been done to it, but it's got to mean... something.

[ She's not even sure what she's saying. She probably isn't making sense. She doesn't know. Maybe that's the problem? ]

...it's not as if I knew you before, either. [maybe that's not exactly a comfort, but-] So you have no expectations to live up to.

[it's the way she quietly crawled to a place to die, the way she'd watched her memories of her fighting with that flat, empty-eyed expression...aizawa can handle people used to violent work. all of his friends have seen terrible things, he's seen terrible things; people crushed beneath buildings, held hostage, screaming, dying. it's not new; blood, and violence, and even hopelessness, it's not new.

but he's also handed children to their parents, and received their tearful thanks. he's seen the looks on his students' faces when they learn something new, when they believe in themselves, when they succeed. he's had people in his arms that he's carried to safety, people he'd seen later with their families, laughing, living. he's seen the good.

jayden was woken up to fight...and she has companions, yes, she has friends, she has anil, but from what they've talked about, what aizawa's heard, so much of her fighting is just endless repetition; "kill this, kill that." raids, storming strongholds, pictures of slaughter over and over and over again. the life of a hero is hard but heroes are praised, are appreciated; in small ways, some of them in large ways.

not in a single memory did aizawa see anyway thank her. jayden's pain, her deaths...it was treated by all as a matter of course.]

It means a lot to me. [she's trusting him with this, he knows. she's trusting him with that uncertainty, that vulnerability. it would be the height of selfishness not to acknowledge that, because of his desperate thirst to know.] Hearing it from you like this...makes it easier to accept. The lack of plan, I mean. I can handle that, now.

[ Maybe not a comfort, but yeah - she nods, with an expression that clearly says, "Fair enough." ]

If you're sure, then okay. Just tell me if it ever changes. If I can do anything.

And... this is going well, overall. And she's glad he feels better about it, that they had this talk, but something is still sticking with her. ]

And it means a lot to me that you'd even... notice any of that. Care about it. ... Not that it's something that comes up, but no one's ever...

[ ... She trails off. Back home, her friends would look out for her, of course - but it wasn't like this. They're all in the same situation as her - the same duty, the same expectations. This is someone from the outside looking in, asking her to put words to just how okay or not okay she may be in the grand scheme of it all. It's a hell of a thing, and honestly, the weight of the words, "no one's ever asked if I'm okay like that," is a bit too much to handle right now.

She closes her eyes, tries to swallow around a sudden knot in her throat. She gives up on trying to sit up straight and focus, leaning in to rest her head against his shoulder - even if only for a brief moment. ]

... I don't expect you to cater to my idiosyncrasies, either.

[ Her voice is quiet, a little bit shaky, but at least she hasn't completely shut down and thrown up her walls all over again. The thought hasn't even crossed her mind. ]

[she always sounds so firm, like she's constantly steeling herself against an expected blow. the waver in her voice, however faint, speaks the volumes that she has trouble saying in her own words.

aizawa can't help but reach up with his free hand to cradle her head there against his shoulder, briefly, stroking her hair once before turning to press his mouth to the crown of her head. i want to protect you.

he certainly does.]

...tough shit, Price. I'm already out to do just that.

[ Just the simple motion, keeping her close and letting her stay there, is enough to keep that particularly unhelpful set of spiraling thoughts away. For now. She hates that dredging up anything about herself is like opening an entire Pandora's box worth of disasters, but... Here he is. By her side, willing to listen, and... he cares. Not just because he's a hero.

He wants to protect her. ... And she wants to protect him, too - from pain. The uncertain and unknown. And protecting someone from nebulous ideas like that is tantamount to impossible, especially when there's no actual, concrete solution. But... well, they can take turns protecting each other, it seems.

She quietly scoffs, rolls her eyes a little, though there's absolutely nothing real behind it. She's even smiling, faintly, when she sits up again. ]

Fine. Guess we're even.

[ There are worse things. For sure. ]

selvin-9 system mingle

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject