Do pigeons have feelings?

[wolfehawke]

Who: Adalwolfe Hawke
Broadcast: Yes, video
Action: Yes, Malum or Tourist.
When: In the wee hours of the morning, during drift week

Stop me if you've heard this one.

[Hello fleet, it's a very drunk Adalwolfe Hawke on your feed tonight. Which is weird because usually he doesn't make drunk posts, but hey it's been a hard wee- no, mont-... year? No, not long enough.

Life. It's been a hard life. And sometimes that catches up with him, so hooray alcohol and existential 2am thoughts.]

But, right, so, some people in the fleet are from earlier that other people in the fleet from the same versh.. version of the same world, right? So then would them changing someone when they get back - or if I guess 'cause who knows - would them changing a big thing then change that thing for the people here from later there? If say... Idunno, I was from before all the stuff and decided not to go to Kirkwall, would other stuff have happened instead of my stuff? Would that change all the... the stuff?

[Maker he needs Varric or Carver to translate his drunkspeech. He's not so far gone that he can't tell he's making the least amount of sense.]

Or if-if... I dunno if I should say that nevermind, but you all get my point, right? Is it set in stone? Or is it like... all these different Thedaseses that everyone is from, they just get made when something else changed so it still happened but the other thing happened too, somehow? Uh.

[He frowns into his mug. These are very murky, complicated thoughts. Clearly he needs to wash them off with more alcohol.]

Were we meant to do things or do things just happen even if we don't do anything? You get what I'm trying to say, right?

[Someone? Anyone?]

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[wolfehawke]

What if it changes?

[It won't, as many people have told him, for a myriad of reasons. They don't remember Atroma if they're sent back or they can't change things even if they did because that's just how time supposedly works, or even the simple fact they can't return of their own volition at all. Adalwolfe sober would likely be able to reason himself into putting it out of his mind, but Adalwolfe drunk - Adalwolfe stressed and worried and lacking in 90% of his impulse control with Anders in a depressive slump - has no such handle on his thoughts.]

What if he manages to go back somehow and never merges with you and you die and we never meet?

[He hates the thought, he hates it so strongly that it makes his stomach turn, but what makes him sick over it more is he actually has to wonder if certain things would have ended better. He doesn't think so, and certainly his life would be bereft - not to mention the scores of Ferelden refugees and Marcher poor alike who were healed and cared for because of the Darktown Healer, or the mages spirited from the Gallows through the Underground, or even the stray cats of the lower sections of the city that would have gone hungry - but there's... doubt. Would they have found the taig without the maps? Would the idol have remained buried and Meredith never gone mad under its influence? It's too much to think and Wolfe scrubs his face with his hands before reaching for the remains of his already almost empty glass.]

I know it's unlikely but I can't get the thought to leave me. I hate it.

Perma-action

[apurrstate]

It won't.

[He says it simply, like the whole idea is something simply solved.
It isn't, not by a long-shot, he doesn't even fully believe himself, but he lies because Wolfe needs to hear it, not drive himself mad with 'what-ifs' they couldn't control.

What if Justice went back and changed it and Anders died? Would that perhaps be better? No warden maps meant no expidition meant maybe Hawke's family found their way back to their old home in a longer, but safer fashion. Perhaps Wolfe lives on as a noble, marries some beautiful woman and grows old with their many children around them. Perhaps he has the comfortable and happy life he deserves. Or perhaps he faces the Arishok in battle and dies from his wound, if that were even to play out the same, who was to say one small change like that meant someone else fought the qunari instead if Hawke hadn't risen in rank so fast, only the Maker knew.

What if Justice were right? He hated himself for even thinking it, but the feeling was nothing new these days. What if Justice killed himself, vanished from Anders' timeline and they simply never found the people of the Blackmarsh or helped them escape themselves and Justice never possessed Kristoff? Would things have gone differently as Justice implied? Would the Templars been less likely to hunt him down or the commander perhaps shown him more leniency with his healing for evidence and no close relationship with a spirit to contradict him? Would he have left the Wardens? Surely he would have gone to Kirkwall anyway, his motivations there were unaffected by anything to do with the spirit, but would he have bothered staying? Likely not, the plea of others was something conveniently not heard when Anders didn't wish to hear it back then.

But they could go in circles for hours on all the things that could have been, might still be if Justice had his way now, and all of it was out of their hands. Hawke was drowning himself over something Anders wished didn't trouble him so badly.

So he went with another option, not a lie in the sense that he'd thought it and thought it possible, but a lie in the amount of conviction he held for it.]

Even if he changes something somehow, it won't change us. It'll be some other Hawke and Anders. We can't even be certain this Justice with us is bound to be the same version I merged with. All the same, if he is, if he could change things, it wouldn't change the you and me sitting here now; you would still be my Hawke as I would be your Anders.

[wolfehawke]

[He starts to protest, but Anders speaks over him and he quiets unhappily. At first. The more Anders says, the more he relates them as not able to be changed by some change in their past, it calms him. Soothes the worries that have only now finally been buoyed to the surface thanks to the miracle of alcohol. The truth of it strikes him, as only Anders can tell it.

"You would still be my Hawke as I would still be your Anders."]

My Anders.

[He murmurs in echo, a funny sort of warmth settled there in his chest. He knows this old feeling by now, a sense of peace and rightness when nothing else can give him that. The simple fact that Anders loves him is enough to quell his worry for now.]

That makes sense, what with all the different Thedases around. A change just means another different one where that's already having happened.

[Language is hard when you're talking about time travel and alternate universes. He takes drink to make it easier.]

But if it did. If it was us. I would know. I think I would. All my life I'd know something was missing.

[He wouldn't, but that thought is the most frightening one he's ever had and he's faced the demon of all nightmares head on.

He finishes the rest of his drink in one go.]

[apurrstate]

[He smirks a bit to himself for Hawke's inability to phrase his ideas eloquently, but he was fairly certain he understood what his love was getting at.

He wished he believed it that they'd know a difference. He wanted so badly to think they would know the keeper of their hearts wasn't truly there no matter who else came into their lives, but his practical side often outweighed his romantic side. At least, internally.]

I would trip along in the shadows without my light of hope to guide me. Always, I would want your presence even without realizing that was what I was missing. [He pressed a lingering kiss to Wolfe's temple and pulled him even closer to his side.]

But there's only so far anyone can go with 'if' or 'perhaps,' the point is moot.

Come on love, we should retire, I think.

[wolfehawke]

Pretty words.

[He grunts appreciatively as he attempts to get up with Anders' help. Rising from his seat takes more than a few tries but eventually he has an arm slung across Anders' shoulders and is shuffling along towards the door. He's uncommonly quiet through the whole ordeal other than the occasionally grunt and huff of a laugh at the fact that the room starts to keen at odd intervals.]

I'm sorry.

[He mutters it out of the blue when they're almost to the hangar. He's never apologized for being drunk before, so this is new. But perhaps it's not the drunkenness that he's apologizing for.]

[apurrstate]

[Walking Hawke home from drinking wasn't new, but it had been a long time, years. They'd been younger, not just physically, and the familiarity of it now was almost a comfort in the whirlwind everything else now seemed to be. It might not be the worn stone of Kirkwall's streets beneath their feet, but the weight of his partner against his shoulder was all he needed to feel a sad sort of quirk on his lips.

He doesn't pause their progress even with the unexpected apology, but confusion hangs heavy in his voice and lingers in his face.]

What in the name of the Maker have you got to apologize for?

[wolfehawke]

My thoughts.

[He seems to sag against Anders' shoulder.]

Making it worse by having you need to carry my drunk ass back to the ship?

[Both. Mostly the former, but he's reticent to explain what exact thoughts he means. It would break Anders' heart and yet Hawke is certain it wouldn't surprise him either and he has no idea which is worse.]

[apurrstate]

[Anders' grip is strong, but the hand that comes up to swipe the hair out of Wolfe's face is gentle.]

I don't mind. Really, I don't. I appreciate the chance to take care of you. [Anders usually responded one of two ways when it came to dealing with his own emotions: either working until exhaustion won out or simply not moving from their bed at all until dragged from it for his own good. He tended towards the former, especially once the first intense wave of not dealing with things passes. Fussing over Hawke counted as keeping busy and it was hardly a chore for him.]

What thoughts plague you, my love.