driftfleet | Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

[His reply stings a little. It reminds her of old barbs from Reid when he'd shame her for moving too quickly with things when he was probably yelling at her to stem off his own insecurities. She feels, at once, she's been far too slow to move on with her life and too fast to give up on the far-fetched, best-case happy ending with Winn. So it plays into her own insecurities too. Not to mention her fears that it will create a bigger problem than it's solving. Who knew showing people affection was such a high stakes game?]

I'm relatively young and smart. I can learn new things.

[It comes out a little defensively, and she immediately wishes she'd said something else because now she's noticing his expression. The look in those soulful eyes of his.

This might be the last thing he wants or needs right now. Maybe it will send a conflicted message. But she steps in closer and wraps her arms around him. Sometimes you just have to hug the puppy. After all, she does love him very much. It just isn't the kind of love he seems to be looking for when it comes to her.]

[It wasn't a fair thing to say, not when Pavel was there, but he's not really thinking. Not about words, and then she's saying more words and it's a good thing she doesn't seem to expect a response.

He immediately hugs her back because hugging is always the right thing to do. Or maybe it's the wrong thing to do in this situation, who even knows. What matters is that he wants it and she's offering it and they're still friends even though he has only ever made her life more difficult than it needs to be and he's been nothing but selfish the entire time he's been in the fleet. He's been asking for something that she can't give and he hasn't been the kind of friend she could have used after Winn's disappearance.

He convinces himself to let go of her after a long moment. He doesn't want to, but he needs to stop asking for her to give him so much.]

I'm sorry. [A completely sensible--necessary, even--thing to say, but potentially confusing for anyone who isn't privy to his thoughts.]

[She holds him and rubs her back. She didn't expect this sort of reaction, but maybe she should have. If Winn was back and he didn't remember her and was dating someone else there would be a part of her that was happy for him to be happy in any way he could, but it would also tear her apart. And that's definitely a scenario that she's thought about over the past year. So many scenarios. So little to quiet them.

To the way she sees things Pavel has always been there for her in Marina and here. He's always been sweet and kind and honest. Sometimes that honesty was hard, but more because she never wanted to be causing him pain and it felt like she was even if it wasn't really under her control. And when Winn left she didn't want to hurt him more by leaning on him too much. It felt cruel. There was some of that especially early on but she's tried to work those feelings out with other friends and not burden him.]

What are you sorry for?

[He'd rather not be having this reaction! She told him something good and this is definitely not the right reaction to have to that. (Maybe this is a sign that he should have talked about things to someone uninvolved at some point in the last sixteen months.)]

This. For never being... [He trails off and does that vague gesturing thing. Helpful? A good friend? Smart enough to not get hung up on things that will never happen? Kind enough to spare her his feelings when he knew sharing them would only hurt her? There are a lot of things and he doesn't know how to say anything without saying too much, so he shakes his head and moves on.] I'm sorry, I should be happy for you. I am, and a little worried, but this is good.

[Take a seat, self-loathing. This is Kitty's moment, not yours!]

That gesturing isn't nearly as clear as you think it is. [She reaches out to take his hand in hers and give it a squeeze.]

Vash and I are in the same kind of place. He has someone back home. [That was her take away from that conversation at least.] Worry is probably well placed, but I'll say don't worry anyway. [She's not sure how much to say about any of this. She doesn't want some concept to unexpectedly haunt him. Or maybe she's overthinking it. He's also a friend and she doesn't want to leave him in the dark about her life. Although she's left basically everyone in the dark about this at this point.]

I will work on that. [He squeezes her hand back, grateful that she's not asking for clarification. Cataloging his shortcomings is definitely a solo activity.]

That's good. Or... not good, it isn't a good place to be, but it also isn't such a bad thing to have in common. [Even if, statistically, it makes it twice as likely that one of them will have their someone else show up, which would hurt everyone involved. She undoubtedly considered that already and she absolutely does not need his input.]

[All the ways this could go terribly have been categorized. It's supposed to go better because it's about fun and comfort and companionship and happily ever after isn't on the table. So kind of like the way Tyki could never betray her because he could never be trusted in the first place. And that worked out PERFECTLY. Yep.

But right now she just needed a change or she'd be sobbing in her room alone listening to network recordings from Winn from her last birthday in a few days. She might still do that, but this time she can curl up with someone afterward.]

We'll figure it out. Are you okay?

Edited 2018-07-15 03:41 (UTC)

[Yep. Perfectly. No reason to worry at all. Everything will be fine.]

You will, and Vash [whose name Pavel has been trying hard to avoid saying because 'v' is a terrible letter to start a syllable with] is a good person, even if he thinks that he's a mess.

[It takes him a moment to come up with an answer to that last one since the completely honest one--"actually, I feel far more alone than I did when this conversation began and it occurs to me that no one is ever going to think that I'm worth falling in love with"--is not the way to go.] Yes.

[Pavel, that's not how falling in love works! And she doesn't really believe that yes. So much for him always being honest with her.]

Another thing he and I have in common. [She thinks she's a mess, not that he is.] I didn't know you two knew each other.

[Well, how does it work?! And it's the first time he's ever lied to her, really! It's the only lie he's consciously attempted since that time when he was eighteen and an unscrupulous casino owner in the City convinced him to play poker. (He did not win.)]

You aren't a mess either. [He really, really believes that.] We spoke when you were unconscious and I visited Seeker, and then we went to the Space Bar after Kara left. Would you believe that we were discussing relationships and giving each other advice? [Maybe someday they'll have a laugh about that.]

Oh, wow... [Maybe it wasn't about her, but from this reaction it seems like it's still probably about her.] That's, um, ironic.

And sweet of you to visit Seeker.

It is. If I ever discuss relationships with someone again, I'll be certain that we both use names so that we aren't inadvertently operating at cross-purposes. [When did he become so stupid in every conceivable way? How is he supposed to not give up on love now, Vash?]

It wasn't a hardship. [He doesn't really want credit for anything today.] What do you think he would make of Sasha?

Probably a good call. [Kitty isn't love! You can give up on finding romance with one while still seeking the other! But Kitty is the last person to be able to give advice on giving up on someone you want to be with. There's even still a part of her who misses the Reid from before he came back from getting more memories as if he'd literally been a different person. As if the arc of time wasn't always going to bend him the way it did.

She isn't sure what else to say. It feels like there should be more especially hearing that his purpose was getting in a relationship with her? He may not have meant it in exactly those terms, but he kind of did, right? She thought she'd explained it better before. That it wasn't so dependent on Winn. That she'd talked to him in terms of the two of them, but maybe she didn't. Maybe that's what she wanted to do and a very hard situation was easier because Winn was there. And to do it now just feels like kicking him while he's down, but does that mean if things go badly with Vash that he'll be hoping...?

And she's not sure it couldn't work with them, but she doesn't feel the same kind of attraction she has to past guys. It's not that he isn't cute. Maybe it's just that he's young (some people would call it age appropriate) or that his past isn't as dark so it makes her feel more broken by comparison and more capable of breaking him inadvertently. Or it could just be that she spent so long trying to convince Winn they were just friends that she thoroughly convinced herself that's all they were and all they could be. After all, it is a little startling to hear you were dating someone during a time you can't remember.

Obviously conflicted, it's nice to have an easy answer to provide.]

He used to live with Sasha when she went by "cat" so I think there's a good chance they'd get along.

[He has no idea what his purpose is! It started out not being alone every night. He'd been pretty sure--or he'd convinced himself--that he'd accepted that whatever they'd had in Marina was a fluke or a lapse in judgment on her part or maybe even a trick that the Wardens were playing, but somehow his feelings aren't going along with that and now this is getting mixed up with other failed relationships. Maybe that conversation with Vash had rekindled hope that he'd talked himself into thinking he didn't have anymore. Maybe stomping feelings down for months instead of addressing them (really, he'd figured that that extremely regrettable message to Kitty that he wishes he could erase from existence exorcised all of those troublesome feeling things) was not the wonderful coping mechanism that he thought it was. Maybe he's just being willfully stupid now, and selfish, and eager to ruin a wonderful friendship by being greedy enough to want more.

And there's another path to the self-hatred that is just going to have to wait, and the conclusion that Kitty wouldn't have ever fallen in love with him under any circumstances, and neither would anyone else, and if he's going to be like this then it's for the best because love should never be this selfish.

Anyway. Please be quiet, mind. This is a bad time.]

Ah, right. [And now he's too busy being in his own head to remember things. Smooth. A great way to convince Kitty that this is fine and ha, of course he hasn't been hanging on to the idea of a relationship that he's known wouldn't happen and that he'd told himself he'd moved on from, it was just a silly bed-sharing notion that he would have brought up to any close friend, and it's really good that she found someone kind to not be lonely with, especially since that someone is Vash who is very likable and would try hard not to hurt her, oh god, what were they talking about, it's definitely his turn to say another thing.] She is a new cat though.

[Listen, she was literally murdered by her first love and the second guy she was with tried to murder her and she's still trying. Don't give up after three girls where things still turned out relatively well in the end even if it wasn't happily ever after!]

Being with you changed everything, huh? [With the cat. She's talking about the cat. You know she's talking about the cat, right?]

[Those things are both HORRIBLE, why do you keep trying! But some of them were in love with her, right? She's so easy to love, and she's the victim of life being completely awful and unfair; Pavel's just not worth being in love with.]

Of course. I'm an excellent cat servant. [C'mon, who would they be talking about? Being with him hasn't changed anyone else.]

[Shut your bracket face, Chekov! You're so completely deserving of love in a general sense. You just can't absolutely expect it from any one specific person even if they do already love you, jerk! Just not in the naked kind of way.]

That's probably what did it. I considered us more like equals. I didn't know she was the boss.

[He doesn't know she loves him in a not-naked way!

Look, it's very hard to think nice things when you're in the middle of a self-esteem-destroying spiral created by too much introspection and not enough talking about things.]

She is. I'm certain she's grateful that she now lives with someone who recognizes this.

[What? Epic fail on her part if she's never told him. She feels like she has, but maybe she just felt it so hard it seems that way. She's not always great sharing with words. And she has been more worried about it since his love confession because then it feels like "I love you" needs to come with disclaimers and that's not how love should be expressed. But she also doesn't want it to be confusing for him. Clearly, mission achieved there...]

Oh, definitely. No big Kittys to keep her down.

[Feelings are really confusing. They can't be intellectualized or analyzed or reasoned away. They don't go away if they're pushed aside enthusiastically enough. They're hard to express clearly and hard to assume. Who ever thought they were a good idea?

He smiles a bit distractedly because puns are good, but his mind isn't at all on the conversation.]

I'm grateful that she lives with me also, you know. Thank you for following through on your drunken offer to give her to me.

[Fair. She knows how that goes. If she could control her feelings a lot of things would have been different for her.]

Well, you're very welcome. I think you make a better home for her. [She probably should just embrace the pet life as a distraction if nothing else, but it just isn't where her heart was as much as she likes animals.]

Do you know the birthday girl well? I mean other than her being your boss.

Maybe not better. Possibly more to her liking. [Since, turns out, Pavel's a doting cat parent. Pets are still something of a novelty to him even though he'd had a brush with dog ownership back in the City. He wouldn't have time for a pet--not even a cat--at home, but this cat thing is working out here. His relationship with Sasha is delightfully uncomplicated, she keeps him from being alone alone at night, and she tolerates a fair amount of cuddling. Mostly. Usually.

A shrug. The number of people in the Fleet that he knows well are limited to Kitty and Kirk at this moment.] We spent time together on the space station that was full of zombies, and we bonded over liking maps today. These seem like good foundations for a friendship.

[He should definitely work on that. He's a great person to know and he's withholding from everyone else!] Oh, I fully agree. Daryl and I spent some zombie time together. I should catch up with him and add a map layer. Also, I think obscure card games should be next. I think that's the order it goes in.

[Lies! He's the worst! Haven't you been following the bracket text?]

Every friendship has its own steps. I have not had an opportunity to get to know Daryl well [because the man is a paranoid recluse] but I think that, for you, the next step will involve talking about weapons. The only things that I know he likes are guns and knives.

Oh, that's right. He's on the Tourist, isn't he? My old home away from home. [It hasn't been that for a long time now but she does kind of miss her two ship life. And there are still important people there. Fewer without Jarvis now.]

I had to spring my powers on him right away when we met. He'd probably feel more at home with just the claws. [Those were out too.]

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