[ one year anniversary ]

[dothelokimotion]

Who: Loki + You
Broadcast: Video
Action: SS First Breath
When: Today! It's a special day!

( video broadcast )

[ the feed splutters before turning on. loki is surrounded by a whole bunch of boxes. boxes as far as the eye can see. loki has started opening them while the speakers blast this song loud and clear. loki, for his part merely huffs. ]

It seems I have spent a total of a year in this place and the, ah, viewers wish to celebrate. However most of this is useless to me, so I welcome anyone else taking them into their hands.

[ which, ngl, he's into. but the gifts loki has are just . . . baffling. he holds each one up to the camera. we have the mighty thor scooter, captain chickmerica, loki on hotwheels, a masterpiece, plastic horns, disturbing panties and something for "sophisticated men" ]

Please feel free to come by to the First Breath to pick them up.

Also, this has reminded me. Since we are essentially living by this . . . awkward mortal calendar, I have decided I want a birthday. You lot should help me pick one.

[ and get him presents. this is essentially a ploy for presents. ]

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki hesitates before replying, soft. ]

I think that as much as you value companionship and the pack, you feel disconnected with the people around you.

[brooklyn_boy]

[Steve's smile fades. Loki isn't wrong. He hit the nail right on the head, actually. Steve's just surprised to have it laid out so plainly.]

That's...[A shaky exhale and humorless chuckle.] Man out of time... Yeah.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki shrugs. ]

I wonder. I do not think you are a man out of time. But a man out of balance.

[brooklyn_boy]

[Steve blinks slow, not disagreeing with that.]

Hard to balance when you can't get your feet underneath you for more than a year

[dothelokimotion]

Such is the way of mankind. You live short lives and you spend so much of it dwelling on the possibilities you missed.

Why look for the ground when you have the sky?

[brooklyn_boy]

Chickens don't fly very high.

[Steve looks down, breathing steady.]

It's hard not to dwell when your life is mostly missed possibilities. I'm proud of what I've done. But...

[dothelokimotion]

But you miss what could have been.

[ which is natural. everyone feels that way. ]

Still, in doing so, you might also miss what you have right now. You have a future. There is nothing more beautiful than that.

[brooklyn_boy]

I think...I'm still trying to tell myself that I do.

[He hasn't said as much to anyone, yet. He hasn't had anyone who would understand except Bucky and he's only had one who knows his own name for a month.]

I haven't...really lived my life for me. So. It's hard to see a real future that's better than what I lost.

[dothelokimotion]

[ wryly. ]

It might help if you let yourself be a little selfish. That tends to do wonders.

[brooklyn_boy]

[Wry meet wry.]

Yeah. That's not really in my nature. But I'll see what I can do.

[dothelokimotion]

It never hurts to try. There's no mission here you can run off to. Why not take advantage of it?

[brooklyn_boy]

I don't know that I can.

[He scrubs a hand over his face]

Do you know bad I feel already just for...for trading the Bucky from my universe for the one that knows me?

[dothelokimotion]

[ his brow creases as he tries to make sense of that. ]

Trading

[brooklyn_boy]

[He shakes his head.]

Back home I searched everywhere for him. I was ready to help him remember. I was ready to do anything. And now, he's here. He's here. And...I'm keeping my distance.

While spending as much time as possible with Captain Barnes. Because it's easier.

[dothelokimotion]

[ ah. if such a thing happened to loki, he would have stabbed thor out of jealousy. ]

Easier is not necessarily wrong. I am sure Barnes appreciates the space and the chance to discover who he is at his own pace.

[brooklyn_boy]

Captain Barnes isn't mine. His Steve is here, too. Damaged like Bucky is.

[He's held onto this guilt for awhile. It almost feels good to let it out to someone else. Almost.]

It's just...been so long since I had my friend back. I never thought I would and who knows for how long? I don't know the right move to make...

[dothelokimotion]

Perhaps there is no right or wrong. You would not replace your friend and no one would begrudge you to have a few moments with another back.

Not everything needs to be on a sliding scale of morality. Sometimes it's worthwhile to chase what . . . feels good. What feels good for you.

You're human. That entails all that there is to be about humanity.

[brooklyn_boy]

[Look at those eyebrows go up.]

Me chasing what feels good usually gets me punched in the face by a guy a foot taller than me.

[What feels good? Steve is Catholic. He's learned you can never trust that. Feels good almost always is wrong.]

I just don't want to abandon the other. But...I have him back. Imagine that with Thor. Having him be dead for years and then....suddenly back and whole.

[dothelokimotion]

Yes, but you didn't regret it.

[ loki is a firm believer in the selfish. the individual. ]

And I doubt you have abandoned him simply because you're choosing to speak to the other.

[brooklyn_boy]

I don't know what to do with him. Mine. He doesn't know me and doesn't even seem to want to.

[He exhales heavy.]

I just don't know. And then I worry I'm using Captain Barnes. A crutch since mine isn't...really the one I knew.

[dothelokimotion]

[ it's certainly a tricky situation. one loki has never faced. ]

Perhaps you do not need to know or have a right answer. Perhaps there will never be one.

[brooklyn_boy]

You make that sound easy... Maybe I need to learn how from you. How to do things for myself...

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki huffs. ]

Your problem is that you wish to compartmentalize it into a neat box of morality. But that will never work for people you know or yourself.

You want to spend time with him. That is enough for anyone.

[brooklyn_boy]

I feel like I owe Bucky... He's my best friend and he's been hurt. But I don't know how to help him without just trying to make him the man I lost. [The man he has now with Barnes.]

Either way I feel selfish

[dothelokimotion]

[ hmmmm. ]

That may be so, but no person owes happiness to another. And it's just as important to help ourselves first.