☮ 004. ((audio))

[delincuente]

Who: Alex Russo and YOU
Broadcast: All over the place yo
Action: The bridge of the SS Paisley
When: 7/4

[It's Alex's first broadcast that doesn't have the Space Jam soundtrack in the background, what a surprise. People are going to start thinking she isn't annoying or something.]

Hey, so today's a totally big holiday back on Earth - the Fourth of July, aka Independence Day, aka every American's birthday. It's when we celebrate the anniversary of Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saving us from the alien invaders back in 1996. We eat phallic meat-byproduct foods and shoot off explosive to represent the crazy alien sky battles we witnessed on that fateful day.

Let's have a moment of silence for our fallen heroes.

Comments

[delincuente]

one of these days
you or jade will have to tell me about this apocalyptic vacay
sounds like a total blast

[feathery]

it was literally a blast
there were meteors

[delincuente]

woah
i'm good
but really though
how much was it like that crappy dinosaur movie
and how the hell did you not die

[feathery]

it was almost identical in plot to every crappy dinosaur movie youve ever seen including the jurassic park sequels and armageddon
with the bonus of experiencing it twice
but the first time isnt really worth talking about
the second time jade did her witch of space thing and shrank everything so she could put it in her pocket

[delincuente]

i'm gonna pretend i know what that last part means
and whistle in an impressed manner

so sometime during all this crap
you turned into a bird

[feathery]

thats pretty much the only right reaction
but yeah
total birdification
and the loss of some major limbs but i guess hel thought that and the orange was too inconvenient
props to her for that

[delincuente]

so that explains your big orange face in the sky
glad your fairy godmother could turn snooki into a real boy
wait
you're from 2009
you didn't have jersey shore yet
you don't even get it when i call you snooki do you
how much does that totally suck

[feathery]

how important was its impact on america
did they have to update the flag
but yeah ive got no idea what youre talking about
did you ever see the gangnam style video i know there was some serious shit i missed and i regret it ever god damn day

[delincuente]

dude it was crazy pivotal
like inspired a whole generation of girls to start wearing socks in their hair
and dying their skin bright orange
the flag was probably coming next, gonna be real
and no wtf is that

[feathery]

first how the fuck do you wear socks in your hair
just stuff a ponytail inside and hope for the best?
second
if you found the space jam soundtrack do you think i could conveniently find a laptop with the gangnam style video on it
because its one of those visual wonders youve got to see to really believe
or appreciate at all
just know it was worth a billion youtube views thus earning it a permanent place in the history of the internet

[delincuente]

no you roll it up and make a poof over it
it's a total work of art basically
i'll show you sometime
and dude i bet it's out there somewhere
a piece of earth history that iconic
this place really seemed to dig earth tbh

[feathery]

ok because none of those words meant anything to me
and yeah
i dunno seems like we are THE choice piece of planet for the multiverse to sink its teeth into
like a dog worrying a bone and it just keeps splintering into all these other earths

[delincuente]

such a boy
and weird of a metaphor as that is
it's totally true
all these freaky kidnapper worlds have huge boners for us
we're popular

[feathery]

hella popular
we are the antagonists of every high school movie
the cheerleader and jock combined
it gets even worse if you shelve earth and just take into account how many humans there are roaming around

[delincuente]

we are
i'm regina george
and you're lindsay lohan
but yeah dude humans are basically like termites
no telling where they actually started

[feathery]

the truth comes out
atroma didnt nab us on purpose at all
well they kidnapped the first guy
and then we just kept multiplying as proof they shoulda thought twice before bringing this infestation aboard
the claims of televised horseshit is just them trying to save face

[delincuente]

goddamn humans
you imprison a couple of us and we just keep breeding
it's like when your gerbils go missing
and when you finally find them in the basement
they've built a small army
totally speaking hypothetically here

[feathery]

were they magic gerbils in this hypothetical scenario

[delincuente]

no not magical
just really freaking horny
and really freaking fertile

[feathery]

somehow that really ramped up the nightmare fuel

[delincuente]

yeah i kind of regret that i had to type that sentence at all

[feathery]

were communications officers
which i cant actually type with a straight face because who the fuck hands out the title of officer like halloween candy
but yeah my point is were communications officers
lets just retcon that one right out of the broadcasts
retroactively scrambled

[delincuente]

retroactive scrambling initiated
and hey i'm captain now too
what i say goes
and i say that
any potentially embarrassing things i've said to you are henceforth
stricken from the record

i think i spelled henceforth right
i learned it from my british ex

[feathery]

looks right to me
and oh yeah i saw that
heard that?
whatever
i guess congrats are in order for your promotion
double captains all aboard the ss paisley

[delincuente]

yeah gotta have a huge party
double chocolate soylent green's on me