driftfleet | Video

Entry tags:

Video

Who: Cole
Broadcast: Fleetwide (because he doesn't get the 'private' setting)
Action: A shuttle from the Pathstone which is currently out on its own
When: Two days after this broadcast and minutes after this exchange on the Red Fish.

OOC: This post has potential cw: self harm, suicide, murder, and other self destructive things. Please use discretion.

[The broadcast shows Cole's face, too close to the camera, tear streaked and eyes red rimmed and looking the very model of misery and distress. His voice is a cracked whisper.]

Fenris? I need to see you. I need you to do what Cassandra would've and I know you will. Can.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[That works. Cole appears in the screen again, still looking pretty emotionally wrecked.]

He said... if he ever saw me again, he'd kill me. He didn't hunt me down because Dorian asked him not to. At first. His hate burns, blisters, bursts... I know he can do it. I know he would do it.

[ She doesn't react but being right stings. A funny sort of pain that almost makes her laugh. ]

I know Fenris isn't a friendly person, he's probably allergic smiling, but why would he want to kill you? [ Can't inject the humor properly it comes out stiff, awkward, but she tries anyway. ] You don't look like a mage or a slaver.

... oh, you don't know me.

I'm Cole.

Compassion. Mercy. Not Despair!

I'm a spirit.

Cole. You're Cole. [ Realization comes down like a wave, there had been rumors circulating the fortress during her stay at Skyhold, odd comments about the Inquisitor's companion named Cole - but a spirit?

She breathes out a shaky breath, a laugh half disguised as air. ]

That explains it.

Yes. I'm not an abomination! This is my body, but Fenris hates me, hates me enough that he'll do it, he can burn through the cold of Despair, be deaf to Mercy. Like the Templars.

[Clearly, now he's explained, she'll understand why this makes sense.]

Of course you aren't, there's no gross lumps or inhuman screams. [ Hawke, don't. ] So you don't need Fenris, you look perfectly fine.

... that's not what Despair looks like. Despair is cold it burns. Like happened. So cold.

It hurt so much it stopped hurting. Like dying, but not.

[ Does she understand? No, not really. He doesn't look like a demon nor an abomination, he looks fine, human - but she knows looks can be deceiving and demons do like their tricks. ]

I know, I've had the pleasure more than a few times. [ It's a mage thing, perhaps even more so due to the blood magic. No longer used but the proof still remains. ] Are you cold, Cole?

I don't know.

[He can't tell. He thinks he feels cold, but he can't tell at this point. He rubs his hands over his face.]

I tried to cut his throat. Not because he wouldn't scream, because it's quick. Clean. Over in seconds. He didn't like that.

[ Well that isn't what she expected to hear so there is a rather heavy pause before she speaks again. ]

... Why?

Because he knows he's deserves to suffer. That there's no amount of blood that can wash aware the pain and failure that he is and he deserves to keep going, keep suffering, keep screaming without sound-

[He vanishes from the camera again and there's a muffled sound like a sob.]

[ For a moment Hawke looks as though she has been physically hit, eyes wide and mouth parted just so. Blink and it's gone, buried deep enough that she can forget it was even there. Too close to still raw wounds. ]

Hey, hey, Cole? Come back.

No!

[That's definitely barked out between sobs.]

It's alright.

[ Maker, not even Hawke really believes that. She might not understand what exactly his whole thing is, but what he almost did has shake him up.

If only she was better at the whole comforting thing, maybe she could sound a little more convincing. ]

Think about kittens, I hear that helps some people when they're upset.

[ Not at all awkward, is she? ]

[There's a noise and the camera spins and moves and slowly comes to a stop on a different patch of ceiling.

Sorry, Hawke. He's apparently not going to talk to you anymore, if kicking the communicator away is any indication.]

[ Oi, that's just rude she's just trying to help... sort of? Mostly? In her own special way.

She sits there for a few moments after he kicks away the communicator, staring at the feed of the ceiling. Tries to sort it all out in her head, all the jumbled words that were said. None of it really makes sense but she manages to figure out one thing: ]

You're scared of being a demon, aren't you? Becoming Despair? [ Inhale, exhale. ] You haven't become it yet, you might have tried to cut a guy's through but you didn't. You stopped, you're still you. You don't have to die.

[There is no response for a long time.

And then the hat slowly appears, and Cole's pale, red rimmed eyes come into view.]

Yes. Justice, Vengeance, Rage. Compassion, Mercy, Despair.

I can't risk it, I can't, I tried, next time it might go further.

[ She is close to closing her communicator when he appears again, dumb hat and red rimmed eyes. The sight makes her inhale sharply, nerves stuck so painfully raw.

Didn't Bethany have similar fears once? It's been years now but she can still remember sitting up at night her with her sister, small hands gripping her shirt so tightly the fabric rips. Scared of being possessed, of becoming an abomination, of being cut down by the Templars. Don't let them get me Marian, promise you won't let them. ]

Don't condemn yourself just for trying, Cole. [ Without thinking she takes hold of one of her bandaged arms, fingers curling around worn fabric. ] You can stop yourself.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I did. I hurt him. I would have killed him, if he wanted to die more than he wanted the pain.

[But it hadn't passed his mind to make him hurt and bleed like he wanted. He had offered Mercy, not suffering.]

I didn't stop me. He stopped me. I left frost on him.

Andraste's flaming nickers.

[ This isn't like dealing with her baby sister, not in the slightest, nothing she says is going to calm him enough. He's a spirit, not a little girl scared of the flames she can produce with her mind. It's different, too different, yet she can't entirely bring herself to just leave him as he is - asking for death, for Fenris to strike him down because no other will. ]

You can learn how to stop yourself, can't you?

[He's not a child who might be possessed if he's not vigilant. He's a manifested spirit of pure empathy who can drown in the emotions of others and he's scared of becoming something truly monstrous against his will.]

Can I?

[ She's lost, hopelessly lost, uncertain how to help but wanting to help regardless. ]

Maybe? I don't know. [ Can spirits learn? ] You could try.

How many lives are you willing to risk on that? How many people could I hurt or kill learning?

I can't see the future, Cole. You might not hurt anyone. [ They can't really risk it, can they? Maybes are as dangerous as a proper threat. ] Better than dying, isn't it? Better than turning the whole fleet against Fenris if he does what you want him to do.

[ He would do it too and somehow she thinks that wouldn't go down well with the rest of the fleet. ]

... why would they be angry at Fenris?

[He still doesn't really get the big picture. He can only deal with small, personal scale, anything else is a bit too much.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject