driftfleet | (no subject)

[Hawke takes a moment to center himself, to breathe in slowly, then out again the same way before he opens up a private video to Cole. He's already snagged Anders' communicator when he wasn't looking and blocked this entire post from even appearing for the spirit healer after Hawke had gone through it himself. He'd made some excuse after about going for a walk or getting food and left Anders in the clinic, needing to have a word with Cole about all this.

He'd wanted to before, but not like this. Not at all like this...]

Cole, I know how frustrating this is, I'm sorry first and foremost.

[He runs a hand through his hair, taking another deep and calming breath.]

Anders can't-... Vengeance can't hear about this. If he decides he doesn't want to be separated - and I am looking for a way that will preserve them both, I swear on the Maker I am - he could take over Anders entirely, turn him into a true abomination, or become a demon fully. I don't want that to happen. No one wants that to happen.

... I can't stop him hearing.

[Cole is genuinely confused. He doesn't understand that he's being asked to not talk to Anders about this. He thinks he's being told to stop him hearing about it at all.]

I know you are. I trust you. So do they. You'll try and help, you understand it's not just one or the other or them.

But I wasn't talking about that. I don't know what I feel. About that and... so much.

No, I mean you can't talk to him about this. I don't want Vengeance to overreact. Like anyone else, I know he just wants to be safe, and do what he feels he was meant to, but I'm worried if he knows we're thinking about all this that he'll do something he doesn't mean to do. Do you understand?

I'm just asking you to be careful.

[He lets out a long breath, hoping being direct does help Cole to comprehend his meaning.]

As for what you feel about it, I imagine it's a while mess of things. Unhappy, maybe even angry that things are this way. Worried about the outcome, hurt and frustrated that people can't or won't see things the way you do, can't understand how this is related to you too. You're kin in a way, or something like it. Both spirits caught outside the Fade, trying to work out your places, only you've managed mostly on your own and he, Justice... well. He's not Justice anymore.

[Adalwolfe looks at Cole seriously.]

What else? You can talk to me. It's alright to be confused.

[Cole... sort of understands. He knows Vengeance will act as vengeance, though he wants to be Justice again. But there's nothing to get revenge for as far as he can see.]

I understand spirits better.

[His voice is soft, like he's confessing a secret.]

I remember more about being in the Fade. Being Compassion. I... miss home. I've been here for a long time. Longer than I was with the Inquisition, but the people come and go.

It makes sense that you would. It's easier to relate to people like yourself.

[There is no small amount of sympathy in Hawke's demeanor. He's trying very hard to be there for his friend, maybe also thinking that if he can help one spirit, who's to say he can't help another? But mostly it's for Cole himself. Cole who's been nothing but sweet to him. He very much wants to be able to return the favor.]

It's normal to miss home. I miss Thedas, miss Kirkwall even, even though I know we're not really welcome there any longer.

[He runs a hand over his beard, thinking.]

If you could do anything about it, if anything were possible, ideally. What would you do?

[Would he want to return to the Fade?]

.. I want to go to Thedas again. I miss my Inquisitor, but I miss Jove as well. Jove and Cullen and Elly. Elly's not from Thedas. She's from... Rieze Maxia.

I want to have all my friends together, but that can't happen.

I know.

[His heart goes out to Cole. He knows exactly how he feels; he's felt it for years now, even before the Fleet. He misses Varric, misses Aveline, Carver, Merrill. He misses Kirkwall, where he's no longer welcome. He misses his mother, his sister, his father despite the tangle of emotions and history there. He even misses Lothering.

He understands.]

It's called homesickness, when you miss the places and people that you care for and that give you comfort.

But... Elly and Jove were here, not there.

How can I be homesick for them when I'm here?

Home isn't always a place, Cole. Sometimes it's people. Elly and Jove, they're part of your family. It's perfectly normal to feel homesick for them.

Oh.

[He thinks about this for a while and nods.]

I think I understand.

[Hawke smiles a little, a bittersweet thing. Homesickness is catching.]

Sometimes it helps to talk about them. Tell stories about good times you had. Sometimes it doesn't though, it just depends.

How do you tell if it will help or not?

I think the only way is to try it and see. It may feel like it hurts, but also helps, when you do it. Have you experienced that before? Something sort of... pleasantly painful?

[Thank goodness Cole is a precious innocent cinnamon roll and won't take that in the very obvious masochistic way it could be taken.]

[You are so lucky he isn't near you, Adawolfe, or he would be getting some very strong ideas...]

Sometimes, The Iron Bull makes Dorian hurt in ways that make him scream for more and set fire to the curtains.

[Or, you know, he's already not that innocent a cinnamon bun.]

Or, do you mean like when you lance an infection and it hurts, but the pressure eases and the burning stops and it feels better?

Uh...

[OR he could entirely understand the other thing that Adalwolfe actually didn't mean and didn't even think of until Cole described it and wow he would sure like to know what Bull can do because neither he nor Anders have ever set anything on fire in the throes.

Granted Anders did have that electricity trick and-

Not... the time... ]

The, uh, the second one. Is what I meant.

[Please ignore how hot under the collar he suddenly appears to be.]

... I know what sex is, Adalwolfe. Just because I haven't done it doesn't mean I'm ignorant about it.

[So there.]

Yes. I've had that. Lived through others and myself.

I didn't think you didn't! I just. It's not what I meant, so I didn't think. Uh...

[He runs a hand down his face.]

I just wasn't expecting you to spout off about someone else's sex life, much less the Iron Bull's.

[Sweet maker, how could Dorian even-- Not the time. Get back on track.]

But yes. Like lancing. You don't always know if it'll help or just get infected, but it's better than leaving it to fester, right?

The Iron Bull's room is next to my attic. I hear a lot. Sometimes even with my ears.

[He hums.]

Well... lancing always makes it better. You lance because something's in there.

I don't know if I should sympathize or be glad it's not me.

[He chuckles, leaving out the third option of just being curious.]

But either way, if you look at it like that, talking about those you miss will just help in the long run, right?

... I suppose so.

But it might hurt others to hear.

That's why you ask first. It doesn't hurt others as much if they're ready for it, and it could be a good hurt for them too.

[He hopes he's explaining this well enough, and that Varric would be approving of how Wolfe is handling his spirit son. Even if Varric never actually referred to Cole as such, there were such notes of pride in his letters and the way he'd spoken about him at Skyhold that Hawke just can't help but think of their relationship in those terms.]

He hums and swings his legs.

No one else misses them. They all went together. Well, Cullen went first. Then Jove, Solas and Elly all went at the same time.

Just me left.

And most people don't like Solas, because he's a bit of a jerk to people.

I'm not really his biggest fan either, sorry to say.

[Self-possessed as Solas seemed, with both the unfriendliness of more isolationist Dalish and the audacity to look down on him for his magical knowledge despite being a fellow apostate. It was irritating, but certainly not the focus at the time, considering where they'd been.]

But tell me, what were they like? Cullen I know, but the others? What did you like about them? How did you make friends?

[Sorry Adalwolfe, you're about to experience one of Cole's odder behaviours when he feels stressed or anxious.]

One for sorrow, two for mirth;
Three for a slaughter, four for rebirth.
Five too young and six too old;
Seven a secret, never ever told.

[And he wraps his arms under his thighs, hugging them to his chest.]

Elly wanted to help people. Protect them. Her magic was mute, I could make it sing again, make the healing work. Jove and Solas were close, on the Pathstone, when Fenris scared me, Jove came and sat under Solas's desk with me and hugged me.

[Oh...kay... that's a bit creepifying, but he's going to just let it slide on without comment because he has no idea what to say about it.]

Was Elly a spirit healer? Is that how you helped?

[Anders can still heal, but that doesn't mean that every mage who needs access to the Fade can still get it. Honestly Hawke isn't sure Anders isn't a special case what with Justice.]

And... Fenris can be quite scary. I'm glad Jove came to you comfort.