driftfleet | (no subject)

[ he's stiff in her arms, as he snorts humorlessly. ]

You got the first part right.

[ because he feels like a failure as a person right now. ]

[Rubbing his back.] That great feeling of being right. [It's a terrible feeling.]

I'm sorry.

[ so much for his evil plan to cheer her up by going to see sascha. ]

You did something you weren't comfortable with to make people you care about feel better. There's something very messed up with the world if that requires an apology.

[ would you like the list of things wrong with the world alphabetically, thematically, or chronologically? ]

It backfired. [ he's sure neither of them feels better, he just hopes that unlike him - they don't also feel worse. ] How'd he take it?

[She...is worried about Sascha but because of Bigby, not what just happened as much. She's also worried that this will be a set back for Winn instead of a step forward and that's hard, but at least she isn't wrapped up in her own problems? She wouldn't call it worse.]

He's Sascha. He endures. [For over a hundred years.] I told him it wasn't is fault.

[ he winces at that response. he doesn't want to be another thing he has to endure, he's wearing that other shoe right now and it's painful as hell. ]

I dunno why I didn't anticipate the Atroma messing everything up.

[ really, he should've. it's his fault. ]

We didn't know. [Shifting to coax him to the bed.]

I should've.

[ he's been so wrapped up in his own issues, he hasn't been paying attention. he allows her to lead him, and sits stiffly on the edge of the bed. ]

How are you putting that on yourself? [No really, what?]

Deductive reasoning.

[ dryly. why is sascha cooped up in that ship and not reaching out for help? him. he knows what it's like not to have friends, he knows what it's like to be lonely and desperate to keep what he's got. now true he's never tried to eat anyone or hurt anyone, and he's been ostracized mostly for something that he didn't even do, but he still can't help but feel a sense of responsibility not to put someone else through that same pain, a responsibility he's failed at miserably. ]

It's not your fault either. [She doesn't even realize how deep his guilt here goes.]

I'm not glitching.

[ that would be too easy. he wouldn't have blamed anyone else in his shoes, and a part of him is absolutely livid that he's blaming himself here because hello he was almost eaten, it shouldn't be his fault if he never wants to lay eyes on sascha again! but he blames himself all the same. ]

Winn, you almost died! [It's not anger but frustration and even a hint of fear. It comes out stronger than she meant it to. Stronger than she thought it would. But she never said it before. Never even really thought it before. He accused her of treating him like a superhero, and maybe she was. She's almost numb to it. Almost dying isn't dying and it happens so much. It did happen so much. It doesn't anymore. There's safety here and time to catch your breath and think and it feels like so much more. She almost lost him and not because he stopped wanting to be with her or the Atroma sent him away, but because he was almost gone forever. And that does mean something now. Right now it means this—the struggle of him being okay again.]

I know! [ it comes out a little strong. ] I know. [ softer. ]

But it's not like that's never happened before.

[ and he's never reacted to it this strongly. then again, he's never before had to keep dealing with the person or creature that almost killed him. it was never a friend, someone he wanted to keep a relationship with. in a way, it's easier with his father because he doesn't want anything to do with the man anymore.

and he was never so alone with it. the closest he's come to that was when the fbi opened fire at him but - kara was instantly there. this time he had to get away on his own, rely on nothing but himself until he could reach relative safety and call for help. everything about this one was different, and he hats it. he hates that he can't just get over it. ]

[She wraps her arms around him and holds him tightly.] I know.

[He's told her about the FBI firing at him before. And there could have been more. A bad beating as a child or a near miss of a vehicle. Anything. People are strong but they're fragile in so many ways too. It doesn't take a superhero to brush off near death experiences.

And he is having a hard time with it and it scares her. It scares her and part of that is because Piotr nearly died once. More than once, but the time he was changed by it he was stuck in his metal form—hard and cold and it felt like all of him changed in that way inside and out. She still loved him, but that was the man who let their students die. That was the man that killed her. She knows Winn isn't Piotr, but it's not the easiest thing to be reminded of. And it hurts watching someone you love go through it and she feels helpless not knowing if she's making it better or worse. Afraid of letting her own worries get in the way of being there for him the way he needs.]

It's going to get better. [Please get better.]

I thought it was.

[ it's hard not to get a little choked up. he went to the iskaulit with kate, and then again to craft with kara. he's been going out, doing things again. he called sascha all on his own, without anyone else in the room with him and even had an almost normal-for-them conversation with him. he thought he was doing better and then taking this step just punched him in the face with how bad he still is.

he didn't like seeing sascha bury his face in kitty's neck. he didn't like sascha stroking his hand. he didn't like the thought of sascha waking them up in the middle of the night, and he definitely didn't like the thought of sascha back in his space. most of all, though, he didn't like that that's the person he was in the face of sascha's pain. he wants so badly to do better, to make the people who decided for some reason to love him and let him into their lives proud. he doesn't want to just do the right thing - he also wants to want to do it in the moment, not struggle with it so badly.

he would be horrified if he were ever to figure out who he's reminding her of now. and he thought it couldn't get worse than being compared to reid. ]

What if it doesn't? [ it's a horrifying thought, one he only now dares bring up for the first time. ]

It is. [She's seen the progress from him getting out to him being able to comfort her on the Windrose.] It has been. I promise.

[But she's a little afraid of the "what if it doesn't" too.] It's just hard. It's like recovering from an injury. You have to take it easy for awhile as it mends and it does better and then you push it too far and it hurts again. You just have to find your pace.

[ he knew to do that with kara - until he almost lost her and then none of it mattered anymore and he told himself he has two options - be okay or be okay, and it worked. he knows this is different, this is a much bigger deal, but he can't help being frustrated that's it's not working here. he just wants to put this behind him already. ]

That's definitely not one of my superpowers. [ he never excelled at pacing himself, he charges ahead and takes on way too much. and not all injuries heal, he knows that first hand. ]

Not mine either. [Should she have told him not to try it yet? Would that have been obvious to someone else? Someone less damaged? Doe she hurt him more than help him?]

[ he finally allows himself to lean on her - physically, if not emotionally. ]

Guess I need a new evil plan.

[ if sascha hadn't been so miserable, he probably could have handled it better, made it through his 20 minutes, and they'd be smiling and making out after. but the atroma always has to mess everything up. ]

[She actually feels a little better as he leans on her. More useful.] How about the one where we just hold each other until we want food?

I guess I can do that.

[ he kind of wishes, not for the first time, that he could find someone to really help him, because he's sure it would be nice to be able to tell her some of the things going through his mind, she'd be able to put at least some of his fears to rest - she's done it before. alas. ]

[Well, she definitely wouldn't suggest Charles for that anymore. She won't be going back to him for that herself. She'll just do her best with the resources she has and do her best for Winn too. Just like she knows he always does for her.]

We could also talk about anything. [This or anything but this.]

[ charles was never really an option for him. even if he'd put aside his fear of having someone in his head, it seems counterproductive to deal with his inability to talk by letting someone figure everything out without him needing to say a word. ]

Anything, huh? [ she gets half a smile. ] How about those Cubs?