driftfleet | Windrose Mingle

[She feels similarly. She wasn't the one afraid of him, but she kept him at a distance for Winn's comfort even when she knew he was lonely and hurting. She wanted to reach out and she did in small ways, but it was never back to the way it had been and he just absorbed every morsel of it he could get. It meant so much to him which only makes it hurt more. Not supporting and protecting Winn felt wrong too. Everything just felt wrong. And now he's gone. Don't cry. Don't cry. She draws a deep breath.] It shouldn't have been him.

[ he never wanted that, never wanted him distanced from anyone except himself at the times he couldn't handle him. somehow, he never managed to make him understand that he shouldn't shut himself in, that all he was asking for was a head's up before he comes to the tourist on windrose so he wouldn't have a heart attack walking down the hall, or that he could decide to leave if he wasn't up for it - not that he never go anywhere at all. but that's what he ended up doing, and it was in his name, and he didn't do enough to stop it, and he's guilt ridden, and it frustrates the hell out of him because he knows that had it been anyone else in his shoes - he would've told them to cut themselves some slack, they almost died! there's only so much concern you can show for the person who almost killed you when you're dealing with that trauma. any at all is impressive.

but not when it comes from him. he feels like a failure, like he doesn't deserve kitty's comfort. does she blame him, the way he blames himself? does she resent him now, for depriving her of those last few months with sascha, even though he did his damndest to never tell her not to go, even when he didn't want her to? is she going to grow to hate him now, will he lose her too - not to the atroma, but to his own cowardice?

it shouldn't have been him. no, no it shouldn't have been. it should have been someone who wants to go home or, at the very least, someone whose home is as good if not better than the fleet. ]

Maybe he's somewhere better. [ oh god, that makes it sound like he's dead. a shudder runs down his spine. ] I mean -- you know that kidnappy place where you snuggle - I hope he's there.

[No resentment here. She understood why he was upset. She wanted to be there to comfort Winn and not have him worrying about her safety. She only wonders if there was more she could have been doing for Sascha as well, but it's too late now.]

He'd really like that place. I hope he did go there. [Anywhere but home. She snuggles closer to Winn not that she can get much closer.]

I'm glad it wasn't you. [Another thing making her feel guilty. As much as she hates seeing people she cares about leave there is some tiny relief that at least she still has Winn.]

[ he holds her as tight as he can, resting his chin against the top of her head. ]

I'm glad it wasn't you too.

[ he could deal with losing most people - it'd hurt, but he could at least comfort himself that they might be happier. that they're back where they belong.

kitty doesn't have a place to belong to anymore. if she disappears, it's either to another one of these worlds, or to death. and that...that tightens his throat and his chest and his arms around her. he doesn't want to think about it but how can he not? ]

[She likes the secure way he's holding her but she has to shift so she can kiss him and look into his eyes. Her own are close to tears after letting herself think about Sascha and now admitting that she's afraid it will be Winn and happy it wasn't.] I love you.

I love you too.

[ seeing her so close to tears almost pushes him over the edge himself. by the end of this, the atroma may actually turn him into his father because right now he feels so much added hatred for them he might do more than just not feel bad should they die. ]

Let's go in our room. [The pronouns have been shifting around. Sometimes "my" sometimes "your" on the Tourist. And more and more "our".]

Sure.

[ getting up is a somewhat slow process, because he's not ready to let go of her quite yet. ]

[If only he could just scoop her up and carry her inside. As it is she'll hug him a little longer too and then stay close as they make their way inside. Then she curls up on him on the bed.] I want to get you a room. I've been trying to figure out how to make that happen.

[ alas, he hasn't been working out that much.

he wraps his arms around her instantly.

oh. it's sweet, but it also hurts. a room. because they're constantly here. will they ever be able to go back to the tourist? he has no right to talk, his fear of shuttling at the beginning and of sascha later kept them on the tourist long, but still he misses it, misses his friends, his nighttime activities there. ]

Think there has to be a transfer for that. [ and there have been so few new arrivals. ]

No, I know. I don't mean like that though. I know the Tourist is important to you. I wouldn't ask. [She gives him a squeeze.] I was just thinking maybe trying to get someone to [realizing maybe this is all he meant, not even about him possible transferring. So that's awkward. But as much as she says she'd never ask she has thought about them just being on the same ship before.] um...to join the crew who would bring back the lab or open up an office for you to use too.

[ that is what he meant, and he does feel awkward now. she wouldn't ask - but she wants him to. of course she does, they're spending most nights on the windrose because she wants to be here, it would be easier on her if he just moved, it makes sense - they've been together for eight months now, and the windrose doesn't have a super-hearing alien and a crew that never sleeps to listen to them have sex - but it wouldn't be easier on him. he isn't as comfortable here, he doesn't feel as safe, and that also affects his sleep, his mood, his everything. he needs a home, and for him on this fleet - that's only the tourist.

he clears his throat, not sure how to proceed. ]

It's okay I can just sit in the kitchen. I just didn't wanna go too far tonight.

[ with both of them feeling so miserable, he just wanted to be somewhere he could have the lights on at without disturbing her. ]

[She feels equal weight of feeling like she should just transfer to the Tourist and be with him. She thought about it once Vision was gone. After all, he'd been such a big reason she felt so comfortable and good on this ship. But the truth is with him gone it's just all the more important to her to be here for the rest of the crew even as they seem to dwindle. It's not just the first mate title. She feels that responsibility. She would regardless.]

Close is good. [She needed him and not going far was perfect.] I'd still like to figure something out. I know this isn't easy for you. [It wasn't easy on her when she was spending so much of her time on the Tourist after the attack. Of course then she wasn't even leaving much during the day. She doesn't mind being away from home for stretches, but she doesn't handle being cooped up well very long at all and the ships always make her feel that way. The best she can do is travel between them for a change of pace.]

[ winn doesn't mind being cooped up, as long as he's in comfortable surroundings. back home, that's basically his life - day divided between the office and home, with occasional outings with kara. far from minding it, he likes it. it's when he doesn't like where he's at that he starts getting restless, feeling caged. he tries to spend as much of his day as possible on the tourist, and bedtime has been getting later and later as he's been struggling to tear himself away at times.

not tonight though. sascha leaving has been a blow for both of them, and he needs to be there for her as much as he needs to be near her for himself.

he debates dropping it, it's not the time for this - but will it ever be? ]

I'm fine. [ he's not. he kisses her forehead. ] But it'd be good to get more people in here. [ maybe she wouldn't worry as much if it weren't turning into such a ghost ship.

shit why did he think that, he's freaking himself out. ]

[She closes her eyes as he kisses her forehead.] Liar. [Said with all the affection.] We should try to equal out our nights. [She almost says "again" but for most of their time together it's weighted to the Tourist either lightly or heavily.] I blame weeks for having an odd number of days.

We were such a stable ship for so long. It's still a good crew. I miss Vision more than I thought I would.

[ equaling out their nights would be good. it's been feeling like their nightly location has been getting chosen according to who had a worst day, and while it's a logical system - the person in most need of comfort gets their locale of choice - it kind of associates getting to be where you want to be with something bad happening to you. he knows things haven't been equal, and that makes him think of all he's had to endure on the fleet.

does he even remember who he was when he first arrived? ]

Weeks, who came up with that dumb idea.

[ he tries to roll with her accusation, lighten the mood if only for a second, before it it turns somber again. ]

Vision's a good guy. But hopefully he's back where he belongs. [ he has a home to go back to. he doesn't reply to the first part, it's too scary. the tourist has been pretty stable since he transferred - before, even. what if it'll be hit next? ]

The worst. I lived almost a year without them and you don't miss them after awhile. [The prison and it's weird time.

She's quiet for a few moments other than nodding in agreement.] Winn... [It's a heavy sounding word at the moment for being so short.] If something happens... [She hesitates again as if considering abandoning saying any of this, but finally she goes on after shifting to look at him.] I love you so much, and I want you to be happy even if it's not with me.

[ that talk. that talk again. he takes a moment to compose himself, to take a breath, to keep the instinctive nothing is going to happen from coming out because they can't know that and he knows needing realistic reassurances.

he also knows how much he loves kitty, how rare what they have is, how impossible getting over her feels. ]

I won't give up on you. But, I want you to be happy more than anything. You deserve to be happy. Just be advised that if you pick a loser I will hack through the multiverse and destroy him. [ it's realistic, what! if anyone can do it!!! ok, he probably can't, if he could he'd just reconnect with kitty. but the point is, he wants her to find someone who'd be good for her, not someone who would just stomp all over her heart again. ]

I know you would.

[The "I won't give up on you" warms her heart and makes her worry about him. If they ever are separated he'll never sleep again. Just feverishly working on ways to reach her until he does or he collapses in on himself. That's the last thing she wants, but how hard do you argue that point when you hope it never comes to pass.]

Just make sure you take care of yourself if I'm not here to watch out for you. And for what it's worth I hope I'm with you for all of it. [Til death do us...]

I promise.

[ he kisses her, a sweet, loving kiss. ]

I want to make you proud, even if you can't see me. [ whether he'll be able to...he doesn't know. but he'll try, he'll try his best. what's the point of getting her back only to lose her because he's crazed, right? ]

And it's worth a lot. [ just being wanted, continually...it's what's going to make her so impossible to get over. ]

[She tries to pour all the love she can into that kiss. If kisses could speak hers would tell long stories about how he brought love back to her life when she didn't think she could believe in it any more.]

I'm proud of you every day. [She reaches up to wipe away a tear that slipped free as if he won't notice it. As if he doesn't notice everything.]

I did a thing. I hope you are free for dinner on Thursday.

[ oh, he notices. of course he notices. but he hopes that now - maybe it's not an all-bad tear. he kisses the tip of her nose and smiles at her - warm and loving and protective. she has expressive kisses, he has expressive smiles. ]

No, I'm going to my girlfriend's thing. Do I get to know what it is?

[It was just an emotionally overwhelmed tear. There's been a lot. But the final trigger was something good. It was love. What better reason for crying is there?]

Late Thanksgiving, but still a Thursday so it counts. It was my turn to plan a date.

You planned me Thanksgiving?

[ it's his turn to feel overwhelmed. last year, he was so grateful just to be included, to be a last minute addition. this year...this year it was all for him? ok, not all, it's for her and her friends too, but she did all of that and it was in part for him and he can't explain how much that means to him. his own eyes are shinning now. ]

Crap, I'm gonna have to do way better than a picnic now - [ joking, because how else can he respond? he's feeling so much right now, so much love, so much gratitude. ]

[She smiles and leans in to kiss him. It feels more necessary than words at the moment. She knows it won't be as good as the kinds of things he plans or Pinkie, but she really wanted to do it on her own for him. Oh, she enlisted help for the food, but she wanted it to be as much her as it could be and she can't be trusted with a thanksgiving feast especially under weird space circumstances.]

Picnic sounds perfect as long as you're there.

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