driftfleet | Open. Mingle post for the Tourist!

[ it takes him a second to respond to the hug - but when he does he holds her tightly. ]

I'm okay. [ he speaks softly after a moment. he's not thrilled - but he's ok. he supposes he should consider himself lucky, it took a pretty long time for him to start losing the people he loves. and unlike sascha, at least he can hope that pinkie's gone home. ]

[Her fingers very gently smooth over his hair.] What's going on in there, guy I love? [While she'd assume Pinkie is at least a part of it she's not sure if that's the full story or not.]

I just hate that we keep losing people. And ponies.

[ he tries for a dumb joke, because that's what he always does. he's still extremely uncomfortable with showing his misery. ]

[She twists her head to kiss his temple.] I do too. It's hard. It's always hard. No amount of practice makes this anything close to perfect.

There's no perfect here.

[ even getting their happy ending will be sad, because they'll lose all the friends who want to go home - which is most of them. ]

I know I might be biased, but is perfect anywhere? [Honestly, this place is pretty close except for the lack of freedom and presence of augments. Those are pretty huge exceptions! But compared to home? Almost paradise. She's sure there is better out there in the big, wide universe and worse. But perfect? She doesn't believe in that.]

Probably not. But there's better.

[ much much better. there's not living in fear of waking up alone, of never knowing what happened to the people you love, never knowing if they're safe, if they're happy, if you'll ever see them again. ]

We'll keep working toward better. Keep moving forward. [Keep walking as her Allen told her once upon a time. Strange how she needed help going then when things were so much better for her than they'd been at home, but she left a world that was ravaged and harsh that she understood to go to one that was unexpectedly kind and giving which would still take so suddenly. It was harder somehow. New. Different. Cruel in ways she hadn't faced before. That experience helps her here, but it doesn't make it hurt less. She just knows the drill. She still misses everyone she's lost here. People she came to know and care about deeply like Sascha and people she barely had the chance to know but who left a strong impression like Orion—another world's Steve Rogers or Wolverine who was so much like her mentor but different too.]

Keep moving forward.

[ he repeats it, but truthfully the words seem empty to him now. it's what jim always tells him to - keep going, you can't live in this you can't live like that - well he can't just keep being positive when every time he's having a good time it's immediately followed by being slapped in the face. oh you like this touchy-feely planet? coma. you have fun at this party? lose your friends. how much can one person take and still stay positive? the bruises jim landed on him from their post-remy lesson still hurt, but they're nothing compared to the pain of seeing that look in his friend's eyes.

it hurts. it hurts so much. and he's going to keep moving forward towards what? more pain? is it even possible to defeat the atroma? he needs some proof for where and what they are. if this is a false reality it could be that only a terrible shock to the system - like maybe dying - will reboot his brain's perception and get him out of this. but he can't imagine doing that...it all feels too real, what if it is real? what if it's magic, what if that's why he can't understand it? what can he do against magic?

he wants to scream. ]

[She can tell he isn't really reassured by that, but she doesn't realize the extent to which he's spinning out either. Even knowing him well and having some training in profiling she's not a telepath and Winn is good at hiding what he wants hidden.] It know it's easier said than done, but there's a lot of good here too. [Like their relationship. Like that party. Like the hand-holding planet. The bad doesn't erase the good. It just tricks you into feeling like it does for a little while. The way it was easier to see the pain at the end of her relationships than the parts that made her happy, made her stronger, made her wiser.]

I know.

[ and it scares him, because he's never had this much to lose before. he's afraid of his friends being sent away - he's afraid of being sent away himself. and how can he fight like that? the good of this place is the best defense the atroma has. ]

Talk to me. [She knows there's more going on in there. When isn't there?]

[ as is so often the case - he wants to, but getting the words out feels impossible. a lifetime of repression is hard to break, and the feeling that admitting the atroma's power over them somehow helps them win, gives them what they want...it doesn't help. ]

I just miss them and...I don't want the next one to happen. [ but it will. will it be jim? kara? hank? raven? they're kinda tempting the atroma here - cisco? hermione? margaery? fenris? chloe? kate? probably not kate, right, she just got new memories, why do that if you're just going to send her home, right? but nothing can be certain with the atroma, can it. steve? peggy? the list go on and on and at the end of it, the names he's most afraid to think. kurt. kitty. no. ]

I don't either. I wish I could say I don't think about it much, but there's an origami reminder to me most nights saying I do think about it. [And Remy leaving reminded her that he was the last mutant to be in the fleet before her almost making it her turn.]

[ he tries to somehow get closer to her even though there's no space between them. ]

[She could phase inside of him, but it would be a less pleasant bonding than this. She holds close even if closer isn't possible.]

Why didn't you want me to know? [He smiled over his pain and hid things. She's not event sure what. And he was somewhere she wasn't likely to find him.]

[ yeah he would rather not, thank you. he sighs. ]

Kitty, I love you, I'm so grateful for you. But sometimes I just need to...deal with things in my own head.

[ it's how he's done things his whole life - alone. it's what he's used to. it's his normal. it's hard for him, sometimes, not getting his alone time, makes him feel like he's going to explode from everything he's holding in and learning to let it out in company is a process. he's gotten better but when he's struggling, his instinct is always go back to what's familiar and comfortable.

being alone. ]

[She pulls back just enough to look at him.] If I leave will that really be what you need or is it just what you're used to because you haven't had another option for so long? [Because she wants to do right by him so badly. And as hard as it would be to walk out that door and leave him here in pain, she will make herself do it if that's really best. But she's not convinced it is. He seems to do so well with her or with Jim that she's not sure alone is really where he thrives.]

[ he hesitates - for two reasons. the first, the most important, he doesn't want to cause her pain. if he tells her yes, he needs her to go, he'll cause her pain, he knows that without a doubt. the second, he's not sure that she's wrong. it's habit that has him sucking things up and letting them out in private. yeah, there are absolutely some things he 100% wants to be alone with to work through them - like pettiness and jealousy, or after a fight to cool off. but then this isn't like that...this is big. this is something she's hurting over, too. he may not be able to articulate everything he's thinking to her, but holding her helps.

holding her means he knows for a fact she's still here. ]

I don't know. [ he decides to give honesty a shot. ]

[Honesty is good. The best. She even believes him instead of thinking he knows and isn't willing to say.] It's hard. I don't know if the way I do it is good or terrible. Sometimes I just throw myself into something and push on so hard that I can barely think about it. And then it will catch up to me or it will be someone I have a harder time losing like Sascha, and I just fall apart for a little while.

I don't think there can be a good way to deal with this, or even a way - [ he shakes his head ] it's whatever we need to do in the moment, I guess. [ he needed to relive the memories on his own. now, holding kitty seems pretty good. ]

[She doesn't begrudge him his alone time. As much as she likes being with people and him in particular she needs a little of it too. But she's still pretty glad she can stay here in this moment while he's hurting. She wishes it wasn't so, but she's sure he'll have many more moments coming up soon and in the more distant future of dealing with this kind of thing. He'll probably have a variety of ways to cope.]

You're probably right. She meant a lot to you, didn't she?

[ at times he fears that she does, at times he fears that it's too much, that as much as he loves her he can't handle her. but those times never last. ]

She does. [ present tense, he insists on it, emphasizes it. she may be gone from the fleet, but her influence on him lingers, it'll last as long as his memories. it may be a lot easier and healthier to let go of the people he loves and lost - he may go crazy from the pain if he doesn't - but he stubbornly refuses to do it. he wants to keep them by his side.

a small, fond, longing smile creeps its way onto his face. ] I couldn't be sad around her. Just couldn't do it. [ even when he was hurting so badly after sascha's attack, she cheered him up and helped him plan kitty's party, all without needing to talk about it. he needs someone like that. ]

[That would be one of her greatest fears. Being open and vulnerable enough to need him and then accidentally pushing him away by holding closer. There was some part of that in what happened with Reid.

She gives him a soft kiss on the cheek in silent apology for the past tense.]

I know what you mean. [Though sometimes it came from a good place of Pinkie lightening the mood and sometimes it was just that Kitty fought harder to act pleasant, holding back anything darker or sadder that she might have been feeling because it felt inappropriate around Pinkie.]

She was unexpected. In a good way.

She's a pink talking pony who bakes.

[ and he can't help a sad little bark of laughter - it's so ridiculous to say, even now. and he misses her and it hurts. ]

I never would've expected her.

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