driftfleet | Windrose January Mingle

[ the comment is aimed at robb. and now he feels like he's been sent to the school counselor. ]

No. [ sulkily. he knows he started it. maybe if he started the conversation calmly it never would have escalated. but he was angry because his girlfriend was treated disrespectfully by a man from a world that has been abusing his adopted little sister okay! that's a much more legitimate reason than...defending...yourself. oh leave him alone with your logic the guy is a douche! ] If you want me to apologize for the way I talked I'll apologize, but I stand behind the content. He shouldn't be apologizing because you have a boyfriend he should be apologizing because that's not how you treat a woman.

I wasn't there, but he apologized to me because that wasn't the right way to treat me. And he apologized a lot and felt terrible. Seriously, a lot. [She was basically begging him to stop apologizing.]

I don't know exactly what was in Robb's head or what he said, but I'm thinking when he apologized to you it was for different reasons because it didn't happen to you.

He's definitely still stuck in some mindsets I'm not a fan of, but he is starting to adapt. It's a lot of culture shock for them. I'm pretty surprised they are handling this as well as they are.

[ okay that is definitely information that would've helped transform that interaction.

he sighs and rubs his eyes. ]

Didn't know that. [ okay. maybe he's the douche then. ] I'll apologize.

[She slips her arms around him and hugs him tightly. She wasn't going to tell him to apologize. She's not the boss of him. She was really only going to ask that he worked on keeping anything further from escalating but that's even better.] I should have updated you on it when he apologized. I just didn't want to make it more of a thing which made it more of a thing.

[ he was fully prepared to keep on avoiding the guy, honestly, he only met him once by accident. but he also definitely didn't think about how it would affect kitty - he's still really not used to this whole him not getting along with someone reflecting on other people thing.

he wraps an arm around her. ]

I shouldn't have lost my temper. [ damn that anger of his, but robb was really good at pushing his buttons, and he was due an explosion. ] I owe you an apology too, I should've thought about the position it put you in. [ well he just feels like shit now. perfect send off from the hotel. ]

[It's been stressful, but all things considered she's been through a lot worse even on the fleet. She doesn't blame Winn or Robb for it. She's just hopeful Robb will keep his word and it can be smooth from here.]

Thank you. [She pulls back to look at him and then kisses his cheek.] And I'm sorry I didn't communicate things better. I was worried about how you'd take it at the time.

[ he props himself up on his elbow and gives her a long look, trying to work this out.

someone who disrespected her apologizing + him = something to worry about? he can't make the math add up but this time he learned from his mistake - and assumes he's missing a variable. ]

How did you think I was gonna react?

I don't know. Jealous? Not wanting me to spend any time around him again?

[ ...no, the math still doesn't add up. ]

I'd get jealous and channel sitcom dads on their daughter's first date episode because he apologized? [ help him out here, kitty, he's really not following. ]

No, I mean all of it. Keeping it short the first time we talked and not following up. I was just trying to brush it off. I could have told you why I wasn't upset with him and it wasn't because he was drunk.

[ he pulls himself up to a sitting position because this doesn't feel like a snuggle sort of conversation.

it actually feels like a pretty heartbreaking kind. ]

The real issue is you don't trust me. [ it's not the first time she's told him she keeps things for fear of his reaction. why? what is he doing to make her feel that way? ]

[Her eyes widen and it feels like everything inside freezes a few beats too long and then moves again, but too fast.] Winn, no. [Reaching to hold his hand. Something.] Of course I trust you. I trust you.

Kitty - you can't tell me things because you're afraid I'll get jealous or go full on douche on you and tell you not to see someone. [ which hurts. when has he ever given her a reason to believe he'd be that kind of guy? even at his most jealous he did all he could not to mess up her friendship with tyrion, didn't he? was it not enough?

his voice stays very calm, but it takes effort. ]

That's not trust. What am I doing wrong? Please, tell me.

It was before we talked about it. [Her voice sounds a little shaky. She's scared right now. Scared of losing him and she knows how to fight through fear, but she's not sure how to do this. And maybe that's part of it? Maybe she shouldn't be scared he'd leave her because she should trust he wouldn't. But trust got her killed. It got Reid tortured and Ianto killed. It got her heart broken and it is still hard, but she trusts him. She trusts him with so many things. It's not a zero sum game. It isn't all or nothing, is it? She tries to calm herself down too.] Before we talked about how you haven't been jealous in awhile.

So before we talked about it, you didn't know I wouldn't get jealous of someone making an ass of himself in front of you? You didn't know that I'm not the kind of man who thinks he gets to dictate who you spend time with?

[ he doesn't want to accuse her and he knows he's failing but this really hurts. who is he, in her eyes? how did he get that way? ]

What did I do, before we talked about it, to give you this image of me?

Nothing! You didn't do anything wrong. [She takes a deep breath trying to calm herself back down. She needs to think about this. Not let her heart get carried away into dark past things that don't apply to her life here and now. That don't apply to Winn.]

I didn't really think you'd do that. But I was worried it would bother you and you'd keep it to yourself and be hurt by it. I don't want that either and it's not something you can really control. It's nothing that's wrong with anything you did. But I'm protective because for so long that's all I had.

[She squeezes his hand.] Please be patient with me. We're just trying to figure all this out.

Edited 2017-01-11 00:10 (UTC)

[ he turns his gaze downwards and takes a breath. he's riled up, and he doesn't want to make another mistake, to say another thing he'll regret.

but at the same time, he does want to adhere to their promise - if they can't be honest, if they can't take the little hurts, they can't really be together. ]

If you wanna protect me then stop throwing my insecurities in my face as a reason why I can't be trusted. It hurts a lot more than any story about anything anyone else did. [ he looks back up at her ] Is all of this because I was jealous of Tyrion? Or worried about other good looking man around you at a time I wasn't even sure I could call what we were doing dating? Is this what's going to happen every time I admit to a negative emotion, it'll become all I am?

Winn, I don't know what to say. [She feels like she's just digging a deeper an deeper hole and she doesn't want that. And it feels like anything she does say is going to be held against her which is what he's saying he's feeling too and she didn't mean for that to happen.]

You means everything to me. What do you need me to do?

I need you to be honest with me. That's it. If you feel like you can't talk to me cuz I'm unreasonably jealous - tell me and I'll work on it. But if you don't, don't lie to me about it to cover up what's really bothering you - it's not fair.

[ and it's making him feel like less of a man. he takes a breath, and her hand - looking her in the eyes because this part it important. ]

Do you think I don't understand having hangups, a past? Do you think I wouldn't understand having trust issues? My father drugged me, kidnapped me, and tried to make me commit murder for him - I get trust issues. I get needing time. I get being afraid of losing something that feels way too good for me to have in the first place. I'll probably never believe I deserve you, but Kitty - I deserve better than being labeled 'jealous boyfriend - do not aggravate'. And so do you.

[A tear slips down her cheek as he starts talking about feeling like she's too good for him. But she keeps looking back at him, squeezing his hand.]

It did feel unreasonable with Tyrion at the time because I couldn't imagine being with anyone but you. It felt like you didn't trust me, but it hasn't been like that since, and I should trust that you're changing too.

I have trust issues. [Said in a weak sort of voice like this is hard to admit even though it's probably the most obvious and understandable thing in the world.] And I'm terrified of losing you because of them. Because of anything I am or was or do. I'm not good enough for you, but I want to be.

[ he gently wipes that tear and all the will to stick up for himself blows out of him, like air out of a torn balloon. ]

I love you for everything you are and were and do. I can deal with trust issues - you're worth the wait. [ but he definitely doesn't feel like he can continue with the opening up he's been trying to do.

it doesn't matter. he's been complaining too much as it is. he's 30 years old now, it's time to get over his childhood. ]

[She moves forward, clinging to him. Breath coming out shakily. For as good as that is to hear everything about this was hard from the moment he said she didn't trust him. She felt him leaving her even though he wasn't. It may only be harder to be honest and forthcoming in the future especially if it feels like he's holding back. But she's not thinking about that right now. Maybe once her nerves have calmed she'll have a healthier take away. Right now, she's just relieved he didn't break up with her.]

[ he holds her and strokes her hair with one hand, the other rubbing her back.

they have kind of a chicken-and-egg situation going with their trust issues, and he knows it's nowhere near resolved. he's still hurting from the things she said, the defenses he didn't use echoing in his mind, but he does what he can to let it go. she's hurting now too, and that's always more important to him. ]

[She just lets him comfort her even though she feels like there's so much more she should be doing and saying for his sake.

His pain is important to her too. The hardest part is keeping the focus there when she gets overwhelmed with the feeling of things slipping away. All she wants to do is make it better. It's hard to discuss different points and reach common ground and make strategies for improvement and make the other person feel heard and valued when all you want in that moment is to be held and told you're worth loving. She doesn't mean to distract from it. She comes by all this honestly even if it doesn't make it any easier to work with in the moment.

So much of his is left over trauma from what happened at the end with Reid—and it was a very long, grueling end. They couldn't have found a more painful way to break up if the two geniuses had put their minds together to design one. She knows he's not Reid...but she's still her and she worries it was all her fault. She knows it couldn't be. That it takes two, but on a deeper, emotional, primal level there were times when Reid was yelling at her when it felt like all her fault.

And then there's that other thing. The one that's always somewhere in the back of her mind. The thought that she was never supposed to exist. She's the wrong version of herself. The bad one. The broken girl from the broken world that got created by accident. The world so bad they were ready to "reset" it. To end. To die. To make it the way it was supposed to be because nothing could ever be worse. And even though Kurt is here now and she knows their world didn't end after the "reset" she's still not sure it changes what it was especially when things only got more painful and impossibly worse after she was supposed to die.]

[ he's not a fan of the reid comparisons - but he understands them. it's not like he doesn't do it himself, in little ways - not compare her to a specific ex, but compare things to his past, often unfairly. and he also understands - perhaps too well - that she's been through a lot more than he has, that she needs the reassurance more than him, it's partly why he's so quick to put himself aside the few instances he does speak up.

it's hard, though. not knowing if this is ever going to get better. if she's ever going to look at him and just see him and not one of her exes or whatever low moment he slipped up at and allowed her to see. it's hard feeling like on the one hand she's constantly begging him to open up to her but on the other when he does - it's going to be held against him and thrown in his face even when it's not the issue. it's hard feeling like he's not supposed to feel. how can he control his feelings? he can't do that any more than she can force herself to trust him fully.

but despite that, he has no doubt that his life would be infinitely worse without her, that he could never do any better.

he kisses the top of her head and keeps holding her. ]

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