driftfleet | Floot Loops

Entry tags:

Floot Loops

Who: Jack Sparrow and Anyone
Broadcast: Yes, unfortunately.
Action: It COULD lead to action on Kayann, which is where Jack is at the moment. It's much better than being stuck on the Bishop with Looma and mean people who hate Jenga. (Looking at YOU, Pidge Gunderson.)
When: Later in the evening of the 16th.

"New fruity floot loops
Slooping in a groovy suit
Gloop 'em in a new boot
Or sling 'em in a pie.

Rooty-tooty floot loops
Drooping in a blue soup
Mooping in some newt poop!
Floot Loops til we die!"

[It's a poem. Jack wrote it. And now he's reciting it over and over again. To you.]

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[....oh my gods, Jack. Why. He's at his communications station and this broadcast won't stop.]

...Are you tryin' to put me back in a coma?

[Jack IS a Communications Officer. And this is important right now. For some reason.]

A sugar coma, with the great flippin' taste of floot loops!

[Why was he assigned this position? What god hated Doudanuki this much?]

If it's got anythin' t'do with "newt poop", I think I'll pass.

It's got everything to do with newt poop. And gnu chutes, what the gnus go sailing down on Thursdays.

[Something MIGHT be wrong with Jack right now. Orrrr he could be totally fine.]

...

[None of that made any sense - which actually reminds him of someone from home so he only has one question to ask.]

Are you drunk?

No!

[Jack has the tone of voice of someone who sounds borderline hysterically frightened, actually. Or maybe someone who's had too much sugar. Really way too happy.]

[Okay, then he has no idea what is wrong with Jack other than he's singing a nonsensical poem over the network like there's no tomorrow.]

Are you bein' held hostage or something? Because other than talkin' in codes, I have no idea why you're talking about poop and whatever a "gnu" is.

Like a unicorn, but with two long curvy-like horns. And I'm not talking about poop! 'M talkin' bout the loops of floot!

[Yeahhhhh something's not right.]

What that crap they sell on the planet?

[Because there is a lot of crap on the planet down below - useful things, too, but mostly just...kitsch to him.]

Why're you singin' about them?

[Instead of answering the question, Jack keeps singing.]

Fruity-wooty floot loops!
Stooping in a jute snood
Whooping like a soup troop
Fly the banner high!

This has to be a hostage situation, right?

Are you in some kinda trouble with a Floot Loop mafia or something?

[In a small voice:] They have a mafia?

....Why else would you be doin' this?

[HE ASSUMES??? Because most large companies, or at least, most large armies always had a black ops group, right? The assassins, the ninjas, the spies - it was normal in an army, so why not in companies?]

[There comes the sound of crunching. Jack is having more floot loops.]

Because fruity. And stays crunchy, even in milk.

Help.

[They must be forcing him to eat it.

Man, company mafias are weird.]

....

Well, tell me where you are.

[He takes a breath and has to force this out between his teeth, but it's to help another person in the Fleet, so he has to go, right? Can't leave him to the evil(?) devices of the Floot Loop Mafia.]

So I can get some of whatever you're eating.

[What comes out of his mouth next seems to take a great deal of effort. This is apparent because he is speaking slowly, carefully, as though his mouth were filled with a huge chunk of Floot Loops that throw a great-tasting high-fiber punch at every organ in your system, all as a part of this complete breakfast.]

My good swooord....flooty....Kayann. In the sooty...I mean city. Advertising district.

[He means the equivalent of Madison Avenue, except on Kayann.]

[Advertising district? That....means nothing to him. He'll have to scan the planet and get a map.]

....Alright. I guess don't move for awhile. I'll see about findin' my way to you.

[With this sword. To stab whomever is holding him hostage.]

[Jack had no idea, either. That's probably how he got lured in in the first place.]

Why would I ever move with all these loops at my beck and call? Oi -- Doudanuki -- best to cover your ears if you come here. And your eyes. All your orifices.

[Well that's Ominous™]

....Riiiight.

[Welp, time to gear up for a war with the Floot Loop Mafia then.

It takes him about an hour to get ready and eventually locate where Jack is, but when he comes in, he's got cotton stuffed in his ears and he's wearing the red helmet he usually carries under one arm. He knows he looks ridiculous, but Jack said to cover up, so here he is.]

[It's a strange journey. Kayann's version of Mad Ave is in the heart of the city, and it's all slick skyscrapers and super-high-tech, silent hover transports that probably cost the equivalent of millions of dollars. All surfaces are mirrored, reflecting a sheen of neon and street glow, so it hardly seems dark here at all.

Doudanuki may track down Jack in a shiny scraper reserved exclusively for product testing and focus groups. He may have to get through some rather tough security at the door and climb (or, alternatively, take the elevator) up 80 stories or so.

He will find Jack in a room reserved for focus groups testing new formulas of Floot Loops. The room is plain white, with stainless steel tables, but in every other respect it resembles an opium den. Test subjects are crouched in corners, by turns giggling and moaning in pain and agony. A few are in dire loop-induced hallucinations. Others just simply seem to have checked out completely.

Jack is at the table, spoon in hand, loops in a bowl in front of him. Smile on his face.]

Doudanuki, you've come! Lookee here! I've got loops for both of us! Atomic grape! Sizzling Strawberry! Meticulous Melon!

[Don't eat it, Sword-Man. It'd be like popping pomegranate seeds in Hades.]

[Thanks to Jack's communicator signal, it wasn't exactly difficult to find him. It was extremely hard to get to him though. The first floor was full of security and he had to weigh the options of fighting his way in or using cunning, which was not his forte.

Luckily, when he said he was here to try the Floot Loops that Jack was eating, he'd been given a little badge and sent up to the 80th floor. It wasn't hard to lie after that and make his way through, all the while still wearing his helmet with the excuse of "unique fashion" until he located the room with his captive pirate.

Who turns out to be not so captive after all since the door to the room isn't exactly locked. There's no need to lock a door when none of the participants want to leave.

Doudanuki has his sword at his side, a fist-sized gold ball attached to his hip, and about 0 feet of patience left when Jack shows him the bowl and spoon. Thankfully with the cotton in his ears, he can't quite hear what Jack is offering or he'd probably punch him out and just take him home.]

...What? I can't hear you.

[Because you said to cover his ears, Jack.]

Look, the door isn't even locked. Let's go.

[Jack smiles through grit teeth.]

I don't want to go. I want to stay and eat Loops forever.

[Well.

That's not good.

He takes a look around the room at other people stuffing themselves full of Floot Loops, cringing in pain and moaning about how delicious it is and feels that this is a Very Bad Thing™]

Fine, but you've got two options.

Either you leave by yourself, or I'll knock you unconscious and drag you outta here.

[Jack wants to leave. He reallllllllllly does. But he can't. It's the power of the Loops. He gestures for Doudanuki to come closer, like he's got a secret to tell.]

[Maybe this guy'll just surrender and that'll be that.

He comes closer and raises an eyebrow beneath the helmet.]

What?

Floot Loops

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