driftfleet | selvin-9 system mingle

Do you believe in that? [sure she'd been joking, but with all that 'the light within you' stuff that anil talks about all the time he's not totally sure she doesn't buy into that fate business. they're gonna be here all night, might as well have a theological discussion and put off the real talk they need to have.]

That something is listening and purposefully arranging things? Not really.

[ That would be too hands-on, and she's not sure she has it in her to believe in some kind of hands-on higher power. (And it's especially not a gigantic, floating, dormant ball in the sky.) ]

Do you?

I subscribe to the 'coincidence' school of philosophy. Anything that's not a coincidence is a conspiracy. [he's only exaggerating a little, sipping from his coffee.] Though this feels a little like one.

[ Snort. ] Yeah. Maybe a little.

[ she sips at her own coffee, peers into the cup... words are hard, okay? But she's got that look on her face like she's at least making an effort, even if it's only in her own mind for a few seconds. ]

[........DEFEATED SIGH. all right.

aizawa turns his cup in his hands a couple times before stretching over to put it down on the nightstand.] We could always address this elephant in the room though, since there's no method of escape. [much as he doesn't want to. but hey, he does shit he doesn't want to every damn day, right? sure.]

[ She sighs as well, though she doesn't put her cup down yet, opting instead to drum her fingers against it as she nods. ]

Guess we should. [ Otherwise they'd probably both keep dodging it like the champs they are. She looks up at him. ] Best place to start?

Maybe...hash out what this is exactly. [rubs the back of his neck reluctantly.] What we're doing...what we are. I don't think we can reasonably continue to pretend that this is still casual.

[ She takes a quick, deep breath, and nods. ] Yeah. Don't think it's been just casual for a while.

[ She pauses, hesitant - not out of fear, or any sort of real avoidance, just... trying to make the words go, so to speak. She finally puts that coffee cup down, pushes a hand through her hair as she looks to him. Time to tear down the walls she's built around herself, for once in her life. ]

Look, truth is, I care about you. [ Understatement. ] A lot. [ ... Nailed it?? ... No not quite. ] It's... more to it than that. And yeah, given our situation - the Fleet, different worlds - probably not the most sensible thing. But I don't regret it happening.

[she made herself perfectly clear to him, at least. jayden isn't much or poetry or in-depth discussions; they've gone entire sparring sessions only uttering a handful of words to each other, but aizawa never minded. it's a nice change of pace, actually.

that she's being so frank now, and taking the time to explain herself is just as much an indicator of how much she cares as is her admitting it outright.]

I don't either. ...but our situation complicates matters. We both have our responsibilities; imagining this as anything other than temporary is dangerous.

[ "Dangerous," huh... That's one word for it. She gives a small hum of acknowledgment. ]

I know it's temporary. We escape Atroma, we go back to our own lives. But knowing that doesn't change how I feel about you. Us. [ She waves a hand, a vague sort of gesture. ] This... what we are.

[ Should it? Maybe. But it really doesn't. ]

Maybe that's the point. [aizawa rests his elbows on his knees. he doesn't like proposing it, but all their options should be on the table so they can make the best decision.] Maybe we shouldn't let this go any further. Before our feelings get in the way of when we eventually need to part ways.

[ And she doesn't like hearing it, but yeah, it's an option to be put on the table. And she would have proposed it if he hadn't. Doesn't make it sting any less. She bites at the inside of her lip, thinking before she speaks. ]

That what you want?

[her lip moves in that way when she's biting it. -and he can recognize that, he knows what her expressions mean, what the shifts in her tone mean. that her brows twitching in like that means she's hurt.]

...no, [he admits lowly, looking down at his hands clasped between his knees.] I think it'd be just as damaging to deny ourselves whatever happiness we can find.

I think you're right.

[ She places a hand on top of his. This isn't easy - hell, that's why they haven't addressed any of this until now - but she wants him to know he's not the only one putting thought into this. That he isn't the only one worried about the inevitable, beneath all the good they've found in being together. ]

We... could keep going. And just not outright plan for a future we don't get to have. [ A pause... and she sighs at herself, shaking her head. ] Sounds more negative out loud than it did in my head.

[ But hopefully he gets what she means. He usually does, somehow. Still a mystery to her how he does, but she appreciates it. ]

[he sighs heavily, before turning one of his hands to hold hers, deceptively small but rough from years (decades?) of battle. their hands are different in almost every other way, but they're both rough and scarred.]

I hear you, [he murmurs, because he does. he understands what she's trying to say, it's just in his nature to analyze everything, to come up with plans, to pour over data and information and draw from it the most logical course of action. when there is no data and there is no information, he just feels...adrift.] I just don't know if that's something I'm capable of.

Yeah. I get that. [ She's not an analyst, not a planner - but she respects that he is. And she still understands that same lost feeling. ] Didn't say we have to stop planning entirely. Just... no five year plans. I guess.

[ Another pause, another sigh. ]

I want to stay together. I do. We could call it... whatever. I'm not too concerned with words for this. [ Beat. ] Pretty sure I know what Ochako would say. [ Ha. ] But... still.

What do you want? What would help?

[rolls his eyes at that aside; yeah, he already knows what ochako has to say about it. 'she's still a girl!!!' and all that nonsense...that brat.]

I don't expect you to cater to my idiosyncrasies, [aizawa points out, still brushing his thumb over her knuckles, rhythmic and subconscious.] Maybe we should both lay out what we want and need...work from there. Come to an agreement. [aizawa that makes it sound like you're drafting a lease]

Yeah, I know you don't. [ Look, it's not even catering - not like she's going way out of her way or anything.

And yeah, that does sound all procedural, but more importantly, it sounds like the way he thinks. Which she's fine with. Hell, it beats neither of them managing to find the words or means to move forward, right? ]

Okay. We can do that. [ Nod. ] So, lay out what you want and need.

[ugh. it's his suggestion so it's only fair he go first, but he'd kind of been hoping to hear what she'd say for a hint or a clue, because-]

...honestly, I've never given it much thought. [gonna have to do that now! apparently!!!] I was content to be alone. I'm- [still content isn't right. he'd survive, of course, just as she would survive without him, but it's not so simple as that.] ...I'm not sure what I need.

[ And she... actually smiles a little, shaking her head. Because honestly? Same. ]

Yeah, I've never thought about it either. Never saw any reason to. So I don't really know what I need. [ She shrugs. ] I guess typical answers would be - I don't know, trust? Support? ... But don't we already have that?

[ How in the hell do you talk about what you need when you're pretty sure that at least as far as you know, it's just... there already? ]

Be a little embarrassing if we didn't. [what with all the death-defying and not-defying they've been getting into lately. both of them have gotten rightly fucked up in the not-so-distant past, and that's part of what's triggered the need for this talk. the realization that there's another person here he would run into the fire for, and not just in his usual 'heroic duty' sort of way.]

Concerning...companionship... I'm fine with what we're doing now. Sparring, talking, being together when we feel like it. Others might think it's a little distant but I don't have a problem with that.

I want to know if you need something else, or something more.

Yeah, it would. [ They've both been put through the wringer lately, to say the least. And of course she'd known even before all of it how much they'd begun to mean to each other, but apparently there's nothing like a patch of total disaster to make you think even harder about it. ]

I'm fine with it, too. [ "Others might think..." whatever. Not their relationship. ] I like what we have, and I don't feel like anything is missing. There isn't some quota we have to make. I think it works for us, as long as you feel the same.

And if that changes, I'll say something. Same goes for you - just let me know. Anything.

[ Which is a damn powerful word, she is well aware. But... well, it came out anyway, and she isn't flinching. ]

[it's a relief to hear that she doesn't need more than he's giving, though it does rankle him a little bit that he followed uraraka's advice to ask jayden in the first place and got something he needed out of it. he just won't say anything about it to her, it's not like it's her business...but if she keeps harping on him to do things like send her flowers or whatever he'll put his foot down.

though, thinking about uraraka does bring up one more factor that requires addressing.] In regards to my student...I know you're already aware but just to reiterate she will come first in everything. I trust we're still in agreement with that, yes?

[ Fair. 'Cause honestly she wouldn't say no to flowers, she just literally does not think about things like that because why would she. ]

Of course. If she didn't, I'd be mad. [ Seriously. But along those lines... ] And if anything happens, I hope you know you can trust me with her.

[ This is the Fleet, after all. Unpredictable at the best of times. ... And it isn't the same as her teacher being there for her, sure, but she will still be there for her. ]

[who thinks of those things. ridiculous people, that's who]

I do. I have. [and he would again. just from offhanded comments ochako's made, he knows that jayden stuck to her side the entire time he was gone.

he meets her eyes and squeezes her fingers again; he's sure he's making some kind of pitiful face, some annoyingly vulnerable thing, but if there's anyone here he would be comfortable showing this face to, it's price.

the situation they're in, it's hardly ordinary. and while aizawa had never considered ever being in a relationship anyway, there's still that urge to try and apply conventional dating rules to what they have, struggle as he might against it.

'let's address the elephant in the room...' sure, of course. he's been a coward up until now, but maybe he should make good on his words.] ...I want...to protect you. [his gaze, having since falling to the toes of his shoes, lifts again, laboriously, to her face, her soft eyes, the way her strands of jet black hair fall from her tie over her shoulders.] Not from danger. Not from your own sense of duty...but from heartache. From uncertainty. Those things I saw in your memories-

...they frightened me. They scared me, because I don't know what they must have done to your heart.

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