driftfleet | Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

Not what I meant, although now I'm intrigued.

I have complaints almost every day. Today is a special occasion.

What makes today so special? [She lifts her head to smile at him instead.]

Beyond Nami's birthday? No one is in immediate peril and I'm talking with you, which are the two primary criteria by which I judge the success of any given day.

And the award for the smoothest talker in this joint goes to the curly-ish haired Russian.

I was being sincere. [He looks put out for about half a second.] You didn't seem to be entirely convinced that you're good. Do you think that there is something you forgot to be miserable about?

Probably a few things. I'm sure I'll remember them soon enough. [Just shaking her head at him.]

Eh, you can remember them tomorrow. [What did he do!] Or tomorrow will bring new things to be miserable about, who knows.

You are being extremely Russian right now. [She gives him a little smile.]

Thank you. [She says the nicest things.

But now he looks a bit more serious. It's never a good thing when he does that right before changing the topic entirely.] Kitty, I have a proposal for you.

[She stiffens ever so slightly at the use of that particular word, but she can't possibly mean...that. It's a proposal not the proposal.]

Yeah?

Hit me.

[NOT THAT KIND. He's just bad at words!]

I have been thinking... neither of us likes to sleep alone, correct? But we both do that unless something very sad has happened. So maybe--and you can say no to this--we could occasionally sleep together? In the same place, I mean. Spatially. And not all the time! Weekly, maybe, or bi-weekly. When your schedule permits it.

...Oh... [Well, definitely better than the proposal she never really believed was actually coming. Still a surprise.]

Well, uh, um... [This is going well so far. Get it together, Pryde, don't make him feel awkward about it!]

That's really sweet, Pavel. [IT IS.] I've been doing that with Kurt. Getting no sleep wasn't a good look for me. [But that isn't really a reason why she shouldn't or couldn't with him too.]

I don't think it's such a good idea for us though.

Ah. Okay.

[Even though he had told her that she was welcome to say no, even though he had prepared himself for a no, he'd been holding on to a lot of hope. But it's fine. He's doing fine, and so, it seems, is she.

He still looks like a kicked puppy.]

If... er. If it becomes an acceptable idea later, the offer will still stand.

[She wants to hug the puppy so much. She hates this.]

I don't think it would ever be a good idea while we're in different places. [She hates it. She hates it. She hates it. But it's better to be clear right? Or clear-ish. The different places aren't the Tourist and the Twin Roses but him being in love with her and her liking him very much as a close friend.]

And I'm... [Is it worse to tell him this or better that he knows?] I've been starting something with...someone. Vash. I don't really know what it is or will be.

[The first part is reasonable. It's one of the things that he thought she might say when he played this scenario out in his head. That's been the main source of awkwardness between them, after all. He wants one thing and she wants another, and some of the things that each of them would normally do with close friends have been off limits. He'd been ready for that.

But he hadn't been ready for that.]

...Oh? [Eloquent. But he's baffled and surprised and doesn't understand. Kitty's still hung up on Winn, right? Her One True Love? And she's not in a place to be with someone because that isn't what she does. She hangs on to love long after most people would have given up on it, like she did with Reid. There's only ever room in her heart for one person at a time. She doesn't do casual. She doesn't just "start something" with someone (except for when that someone is him, but maybe she never stopped being with Reid in Marina and he was too hopeful to notice).

She might have to say something else because his giant genius brain is having a hard time with this one.]

Yeah. It's new. [Was that helpful? Did it make it all make more sense? She's not sure she could make it make sense. She is still in love with Winn. She does still want him to come back. She's afraid being anything with anyone will just damage her chances with Shrodinger's boyfriend who may or may not still exist in her life again some day. And afraid it will hurt whoever she's with and herself. And just generally be a terrible idea, but Vash knows all of that and he still seems on board and he isn't in love with her, so it's safe-ish, right? And she's been so lonely and she may never see Winn again. She doesn't really believe she will even if she wants it with all the want. She's still wearing the engagement ring he never actually gave her on her finger. His lockets around her neck. She's moving on, but she hasn't gotten very far yet.]

Open. Casual. [Which, no, she's never done very well at achieving. At least not in her memories. She feels so awkward explaining this and not just because Pavel is who he is and means to her what he does and feels the way he feels. It's just still awkward.]

Casual. You? [He almost laughs because he really wants to cry and refuses to do that. That would make Kitty feel awful and she probably has feelings enough about doing something as uncharacteristic as trying a casual relationship, about the possibility of Winn coming back, about the possibility of everyone involved being hurt. She doesn't need his feelings on top of that. His feelings are all his fault and the result of extreme, prolonged stupidity.

It was stupid of him to imagine that she could have fallen in love with him in Marina. It was doubly stupid of him to even entertain the idea here after she had fallen so rapidly and thoroughly in love with Winn. Winn had helped her heal after Reid in a way that Pavel didn't, and now someone else is going to help her again because he's never been able to do anything for her. All he accomplished in Marina was making her feel guilty about the possibility of hurting Reid, and all he has done here is make her feel bad about something that she has no reason to feel bad about.

It was stupid of him to think that she could fall in love with him when Tessa and Lucy couldn't, when they left him for someone or something better. When he was with Lucy for nearly a year and a half and she still ran every time he said he loved her, when she tried to leave without even saying goodbye.

He's not someone people can fall in love with. He should have realized that before now.

And of course no one can fall in love with him. His brain managed to take something that isn't actually about him and now it's all about him and how he feels when this is Kitty's relationship and her happiness and her tentative step forward.

He thinks he's hiding his rapidly-spiraling thoughts extremely well. He is not and he's finding himself blinking back tears.]

[His reply stings a little. It reminds her of old barbs from Reid when he'd shame her for moving too quickly with things when he was probably yelling at her to stem off his own insecurities. She feels, at once, she's been far too slow to move on with her life and too fast to give up on the far-fetched, best-case happy ending with Winn. So it plays into her own insecurities too. Not to mention her fears that it will create a bigger problem than it's solving. Who knew showing people affection was such a high stakes game?]

I'm relatively young and smart. I can learn new things.

[It comes out a little defensively, and she immediately wishes she'd said something else because now she's noticing his expression. The look in those soulful eyes of his.

This might be the last thing he wants or needs right now. Maybe it will send a conflicted message. But she steps in closer and wraps her arms around him. Sometimes you just have to hug the puppy. After all, she does love him very much. It just isn't the kind of love he seems to be looking for when it comes to her.]

[It wasn't a fair thing to say, not when Pavel was there, but he's not really thinking. Not about words, and then she's saying more words and it's a good thing she doesn't seem to expect a response.

He immediately hugs her back because hugging is always the right thing to do. Or maybe it's the wrong thing to do in this situation, who even knows. What matters is that he wants it and she's offering it and they're still friends even though he has only ever made her life more difficult than it needs to be and he's been nothing but selfish the entire time he's been in the fleet. He's been asking for something that she can't give and he hasn't been the kind of friend she could have used after Winn's disappearance.

He convinces himself to let go of her after a long moment. He doesn't want to, but he needs to stop asking for her to give him so much.]

I'm sorry. [A completely sensible--necessary, even--thing to say, but potentially confusing for anyone who isn't privy to his thoughts.]

[She holds him and rubs her back. She didn't expect this sort of reaction, but maybe she should have. If Winn was back and he didn't remember her and was dating someone else there would be a part of her that was happy for him to be happy in any way he could, but it would also tear her apart. And that's definitely a scenario that she's thought about over the past year. So many scenarios. So little to quiet them.

To the way she sees things Pavel has always been there for her in Marina and here. He's always been sweet and kind and honest. Sometimes that honesty was hard, but more because she never wanted to be causing him pain and it felt like she was even if it wasn't really under her control. And when Winn left she didn't want to hurt him more by leaning on him too much. It felt cruel. There was some of that especially early on but she's tried to work those feelings out with other friends and not burden him.]

What are you sorry for?

[He'd rather not be having this reaction! She told him something good and this is definitely not the right reaction to have to that. (Maybe this is a sign that he should have talked about things to someone uninvolved at some point in the last sixteen months.)]

This. For never being... [He trails off and does that vague gesturing thing. Helpful? A good friend? Smart enough to not get hung up on things that will never happen? Kind enough to spare her his feelings when he knew sharing them would only hurt her? There are a lot of things and he doesn't know how to say anything without saying too much, so he shakes his head and moves on.] I'm sorry, I should be happy for you. I am, and a little worried, but this is good.

[Take a seat, self-loathing. This is Kitty's moment, not yours!]

That gesturing isn't nearly as clear as you think it is. [She reaches out to take his hand in hers and give it a squeeze.]

Vash and I are in the same kind of place. He has someone back home. [That was her take away from that conversation at least.] Worry is probably well placed, but I'll say don't worry anyway. [She's not sure how much to say about any of this. She doesn't want some concept to unexpectedly haunt him. Or maybe she's overthinking it. He's also a friend and she doesn't want to leave him in the dark about her life. Although she's left basically everyone in the dark about this at this point.]

I will work on that. [He squeezes her hand back, grateful that she's not asking for clarification. Cataloging his shortcomings is definitely a solo activity.]

That's good. Or... not good, it isn't a good place to be, but it also isn't such a bad thing to have in common. [Even if, statistically, it makes it twice as likely that one of them will have their someone else show up, which would hurt everyone involved. She undoubtedly considered that already and she absolutely does not need his input.]

[All the ways this could go terribly have been categorized. It's supposed to go better because it's about fun and comfort and companionship and happily ever after isn't on the table. So kind of like the way Tyki could never betray her because he could never be trusted in the first place. And that worked out PERFECTLY. Yep.

But right now she just needed a change or she'd be sobbing in her room alone listening to network recordings from Winn from her last birthday in a few days. She might still do that, but this time she can curl up with someone afterward.]

We'll figure it out. Are you okay?

Edited 2018-07-15 03:41 (UTC)

[Yep. Perfectly. No reason to worry at all. Everything will be fine.]

You will, and Vash [whose name Pavel has been trying hard to avoid saying because 'v' is a terrible letter to start a syllable with] is a good person, even if he thinks that he's a mess.

[It takes him a moment to come up with an answer to that last one since the completely honest one--"actually, I feel far more alone than I did when this conversation began and it occurs to me that no one is ever going to think that I'm worth falling in love with"--is not the way to go.] Yes.

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