driftfleet | 'cause it's better than nothing

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'cause it's better than nothing

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(last updated: 1/25/19)

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[ loki is quiet, unnaturally so. ]

It is. And it always will be. But even if they do, at least they will leave you with something. A feeling, a memory. Even a heartbeat that was yours alone. If you wait for the nothing, you will leave with nothing. You will cease to exist.

And I think you will hate that more.

[Taako stops stirring for a moment, then glances at Loki. Where he's usually all smiles and bravado, instead there is a quiet smallness to him. He's so tired at this point in his life, after everything that's happened, all the static he can't remember, the feeling that he's lost something so important that he'll never get back, it's worn him down and he's just so tired.

The moment passes quickly enough and he shrugs again, motioning over his shoulder at all the objects lying around, as he goes back to stirring.]

Can't really rely on memory, my dude. It's all fucked up, or do you not know about the static? One of those'll show you what it's like, but I don't recommend it. It's really fucked some people up when they touch it.

I am aware.

[ loki is no stranger to mental manipulations. or voids. ]

No one is asking you to rely on it. All I said was that it is better than the nothingness. You know what that feels like.

[ or maybe that's just loki. he will always choose pain over the nothingness. it may tempt him. it has before. but he'll never succumb to it again. as for pain, well, he can endure it all. ]

[He quiet for a moment, staring into the pot of, exactly as Loki said, nothingness. He's still stirring it, can see the spoon spin through the air like there should be something there, but he can't see it. He can't wrap his mind around it.]

...I think somewhere along the way, I just chose not to care anymore.

[If that's nothingness? Then yeah, that's what he went with. It was lonely and it was painful in its own way, but it meant he was safe. No one could hurt him if he didn't let anyone close enough. He'd joke and pretend and stick around for as long as it was convenient for him, but the second he got a hint that things would turn sour? It was easier to bounce if he didn't let himself get personally invested. He could compartmentalize and forget about the people he left behind because they'd done the same with him. The endless caravans, the waking up in the middle of the night to find his bed empty, the long stretches of nothing.

The over one hundred years of nothing that still glares at him anytime he tries to imagine what might be there.

Taako shakes his head and shrugs.]

It's all just dust in the end. Pragmatically speaking, at least. Humans die in under a hundred years. Dwarves last a little longer, but not by much. It's fine though. Taako's fine with being alone.

[ loki is 99% sure this is bullshit. taako like the grandeur because he likes to be noticed. he likes to cook because there is an audience. he's not surprised that taako tells himself such things, but he didn't expect it here, in the mindscape. still, nothing defeats the lies they tell themselves.

but loki isn't anyone to taako. and loki has already demonstrated how utterly useless he is when it came to helping others. perhaps it's better to stop before he makes things worse, as he does. but he asks anyway. ]

Does Lup and your grim reaper know that?

[That.

That stops him immediately. He hates that it does, too, and he glares at his hand where it's frozen mid-stir in the pot. Lup and Kravitz...didn't know. He's been letting himself get too close to them, too close to everyone here, and it frightens him. He's always wanted and needed that connection, the feeling of someone who would care if he lived or died, but he isn't at a place where he can admit it.

Have some fun? Sure. Have stupid feelings that will eventually come to bite him in the ass? .....Unexpected.]

I only met Lup here. Kravitz is...complicated.

[Very complicated.]

Honestly, you're probably the only person here - dream or otherwise - who's heard this. [He snorts.] Surprise?

Somewhat. But no one can understand it better than I. You are an elf, but I am a God.

[ no matter how long lived elves are, they don't compare to the length of time thor and loki have lived. and even though they haven't spent much time with mortals, loki knows what a toll it takes. how simple and minute the concerns that inundate them, that thor and loki must adapt to. ]

Life is long. But it can also be short. And I've learned regrets will come, no matter how good you are at staving off your feelings.

The first time I died, I thought that.

[He remembers the moment that the ground exploded under him, the entirety of Refuge dissolving around him. The second he died, he thought a lot about how much he regretted, how unfortunate it all was, how shitty a way to die this was. He had a lot of thoughts that all jumbled together into two words: Well shit.

And then it'd been over.

Until it all came back.

After the third time, he'd stopped caring. It hurt, sure, but if he was going to die a shitload, it was better to be on a loop of resets at least. It'd helped curb his regrets, his fear, and his pain. He'd just settled into it as yet another part of his weird-ass life.]

But I figure I'll die before I have to actually face anything. I'm not hoping to beef it anytime soon, means I'll get erased from history, but I guess none of 'em will have to mourn me in that case.

[ not sure if "guess I'll die" is suitable response to anything. loki is past that crucible, in thinking that dying solves anything. it rarely does and it rarely improves anything. ]

If you say so.

[Taako shrugs and goes back to making a pot full of something and nothing at the same time. Dying isn't something he expects to do anytime soon, or wants to do, other than the whole blowing himself up fiasco, but it is a stark reality in his line of work. It pays to be blase about it, even if he fights as hard as possible to make sure it doesn't happen.]

No I mean, really. If I die on a mission - no one'll remember me. It's part in parcel with being a member of a secret memory-wiping organization. You die and your entire life gets fed to the Voidfish. I'll cease to exist. Hell of a retirement package, huh?

[ yeah that just sounds messed up. ]

And what are the benefits?

Money? A place to live?

[A sense of purpose. A feeling like he's actually leaving a mark on the world beyond Glamour Springs. Someone to talk to when he isn't completely grossed out by all the weird shit they pull.

Taako shrugs.]

I'm a simple elf with simple needs. I'd rather not starve to death and except where I died a shitload in Refuge - which didn't end up really counting since we survived the last time - I don't plan on beefin' it anymore anytime soon.

I do not think the benefits outweigh the risks. Not even a little. You are a mage. You can do whatever you want.

[ he's not dismissing those needs, but literally, magic can easily solve those issues. ]

...

[Taako stops suddenly, frowning. He fidgets at the towel hanging at his waist and then slips a stray strand of hair behind his ear, out of his face. It almost immediately falls back into place, barely masking the darkness that flits over his expression.]

S-sure I could, but... [He laughs a little nervously.] Cha' boy had his reasons for not wanting to, uh, be running around flinging magic everywhere until recently.

[It'd been awhile, but he was still technically wanted for all those deaths. He had to avoid cooking, avoid anything having to do with the culinary world. He was known, his face known, and he had to be careful, lay low. It'd been easy to hook up with an adventuring party, but hard to find one that would take someone with so little experience.]

And uh, once I signed up with the Bureau, it was kind of a lifelong gig. Drank from the tank and all that.

[ huh. there's more to this here than what taako was telling him. unsurprising, but still interesting. loki hums to himself. ]

You might succeed better if you see this through. Perhaps even remove your curse.

Pfft, what curse? Having a steady job and a place to live? I mean, I have to put up with the Boner Squad on missions, but it's not so bad that I'd call it a "curse."

[And if Loki meant all the other things Taako had just been talking about? Well, he's going to ignore all that. Feelings and pouring them out like sugar on the floor is still something Taako struggles with. He'd rather ignore them and pretend nothing bothered him, then wallow in the realization that so much of his own life is unknown to him, that his future is uncertain, that he might be insignificant.]

As long as I keep collecting the Relics, I'll be fine. Dumb luck's gotten me this far, might as well see how much further it'll let me ride its coattails.

[ yeah this is a mess waiting to happen. ]

Yes, well. Good luck with that.

[The smile falters on his face for a brief moment before being plastered on harder. It's easier to smile and pretend than it is to acknowledge that anything effects him.]

Got Istus on my side, so at least I can't just die for no reason for awhile.

[He shrugs and turns back to his pot, stirring it quietly.]

The door's probably open, if you're tired of me already. I'm sure it'll open for you.

[ loki hesitates, his expression softening a little. ]

No on is tiring of you, Taako. But you are undecided in what you truly want and it shows.

[ and loki cannot fight for him. loki is not that kind of person and his attempts to fight for people, well, they've all ended badly. but also, loki is very well aware that help can only go so far. after all, he's been in taako's position. you can't tell someone what's best for them. ]

I lost everything, but I would make that same choice again. What choice are you willing to make? You should think about it.

[ with that, he heads for the door. ]

[What choice is he willing to make? Taako thought he'd made it already when he decided not to bail on Magnus and Merle, had gone through the Rites of Initiation, had stuck around through all the killing and death and stupidity and exhilarating adventure. But Loki is probably right in a way. Even though Taako was present and engaged for it all, he was always careful to keep himself apart from it. He didn't let himself get too close to anyone, never revealed too much about himself, kept his life and his thoughts mostly private. But what was wrong with that?

Other than the fact that no one truly knew him. He would never let them. He'd remain aloof and apart so the inevitable heartbreak of them leaving him behind would be lessened. He did the same thing here on the Fleet - keep everyone close but never within arm's reach. So he can't really blame anyone if they leave or forget him or just get tired of the eternal struggle to get anything of substance out of him. It's just...how he is though. It's hard to change over a hundred years of running and hiding, stealing and scraping by just in a few years or months.

So why are you doing this, Taako? Why aren't you doing a safer career?

Loki is leaving and Taako glances at him as the door opens, revealing light rather than the outside stage. He quickly looks away and goes back to the nothingness in his pot.]

Wouldn't be the first time I lost everything. I made a choice, m'dude, the only one open to me. After that, it's just about surviving until I'm not useful anymore.

[Or he dies. Again.

He chuckles a little, shrugging his shoulders to slough off the heaviness that's settled on his back.]

But that's some petty ass concerns to bring up to a god, huh? Don't worry about. You go on and I'll see you around sometime, maybe.

Choices can change.

[ his did. but again, not really his place and he doesn't want to make things worse. so loki dips his head and leaves through the door. ]

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