driftfleet | 'cause it's better than nothing

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'cause it's better than nothing

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Otono-Tachibana Makie

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Sandalio "Biffy" de Rabiffano

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(last updated: 1/25/19)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Touching things willy nilly is a good strategy to begin with.

[The section of wall that the screen is attached to slides out, revealing a number of compartments. Each of the three compartments in this section is helpfully labeled:]

Tessa

Lucy

Kitty

Edited 2019-02-06 02:42 (UTC)

[~~Touching things willy nilly, name of my sex tape.~~

Is it smart to select her own name? Maybe not. Is that the one she reaches for anyway? It is.]

[~~...~~

No one would blame her for being curious! As soon as she touches the compartment with her name on it, this memory plays out.

Just what everyone wanted, right?]

[She watches in wonder and horror and realization and a too many other emotions to separate and clearly identify from one another. And when the other Kitty says "I love" she finishes the statement in her head. She's sure she felt it in that moment. She had to. Twenty years? She still remembers how it felt to be married to Jack and while the illusion only lasted a day they'd been together for a time. It was a hell of a lot shorter than twenty years, but she felt it. Everything she said to Pavel about it was true, but she might have undersold it a little because she didn't want to hurt him or admit it to herself. She didn't like being manipulated. And she already had feelings of friendship and platonic love and forbidden attraction to the man so of course it made the edges blur. She's also sure she couldn't have woken up remembering in some capacity being with Pavel for twenty years and not love him at least in that moment. But it would have scared her too. Of course it would have. Was it real? Could she be sure? Would it wear off?

It also reminds her of Winn too when they were together in the beginning and she was still so torn in her feelings over Reid that she couldn't commit to what she and Winn were already becoming. Pavel never saw that part of the struggle, but it was there. She had a hard time moving on even with the physical separation. How much harder would it have been for the two of them in Marina with Reid still there and with the wardens playing games with their emotions and memories? She hadn't even been able to fully give up Tyki when she was with Reid and that was part of what tore them apart. At least she thinks it was. She's still not sure how everything collapsed so badly when it had felt so good to her in the beginning. It still scared her. If she didn't know what caused it how does she stop it from repeating? Would it have fallen apart with Winn if he hadn't disappeared?

But now is not the moment for thinking of Winn and Reid and Jack. They aren't here. Pavel is here. When the memory ends her eyes slowly move to him before she moves toward him to hug him tightly. She doesn't even know if she can touch or hug him in this place but she has to try. She has no idea if that's the right thing to do, but it feels the most right in a place that has done them both so wrong.]

I'm sorry.

[Pavel tries to keep memories like this locked away. What they had in that future that the Wardens gave them isn't a possibility, and wondering if Kitty was in love with him at that moment, or could have been in love with him, isn't going to do him any good now. This Kitty is in love with Winn, and even if she's able to fall in love again someday, it won't be with him.

Kitty's still here, but in some ways she's just as gone as Tessa and Lucy. He misses her and what they were building in Marina, as slow and uncertain as it was.

Pavel is just as present and huggable as he is in the waking world, and if hugging is the wrong thing to do then he doesn't want either of them to start being right.]

You don't have anything to be sorry for.

[He isn't heartbroken because of anything she did, after all. She didn't orchestrate any of this, and they're both well aware that they can't decide who they are or are not in love with.]

Maybe we don't. [Just including him if he thinks he might.] But they do. [She doesn't explain the "they" but she assumes he'll understand it means the wardens and the Atroma. All their mysterious overlords who tinker and toy with their minds, emotions, and lives.

She's still very much hugging him. Is there any other or better answer to this situation?]

[Excuse you, he has a number of things to be sorry for.] They do. [But sure, yes, the various theys have a lot more to answer for.

He's very much not discouraging the hugging. Not only is the contact welcome, but it also means more memories are not playing.] I don't think that they will apologize or stop any time soon.

[She does finally pull back from the hug if only to look at him.] No, I'm sure they won't. They didn't pick the best moments to pull us both from, huh? [Understatement.]

They could have done worse for me. [He lets her go entirely and walks back to the wall of screens. He slides the open compartment shut.] As things are now, I can tell myself that you wouldn't have been able to love me back and that this is good--this other universe, where you were in love with someone once, and where you can maybe be in love again.

[Because it's easier to believe that she can't fall in love with him than to go into infinite what-ifs, or to think too much about why she would never choose him now.]

I don't know about all of that. [Particularly the last part. She really has no idea if she can love again. It feels like a dramatic thing to think in your early twenties, but she doesn't feel young. She doesn't feel open. She feels like she's going through the motions a lot of the time. It's been getting better, but it's hard to feel that since the progress has been so slow.

But it's also not only the last part. She feels like she just saw proof a version of her in the right timing and the right circumstances could love him. She just can't hold out any hope now. Not when she feels more like poison than anything else in that arena now.] But better than the worst is good I guess. It's something.

I should probably press some more buttons or something.

[He figures that the part that she doesn't know about is the loving-someone-else-someday part. He hopes that she'll be able to, or that she'll find Winn again and she won't have to. Someone should get an okay romantic ending, right? And it's hard to imagine Kitty being content without finding love when romantic relationships have been central her life the entire time he's known her.

It had been sort of nice, being a part of that important aspect in her life--first as a friend who could try to help, then as a... whatever. Maybe as an available and harmless alternative to being alone, like he was for Lucy.]

Probably. [He gestures towards the wall of screens (and wishes that his subconscious had thought to label things so he could steer her away from what he'd rather not share).] Unless you would like to see how long the Atroma keep you here.

I'm not sure I would trust the passage of time after Marina anyway. It's funny the kinds of things these places make you doubt. [Like your own feelings toward people for instance? She feels as confident as she can in her current feelings toward everyone given that she also feels completely lost right now after losing Winn. But is she supposed to love Pavel? Relationships are about chemistry, but they're also about timing and circumstance and determination. And the forces toying with their lives uprooted her before they did him, breaking that timing and circumstance and changing it maybe irrevocably. It's a lot to think about and feel about and button mashing sounds better.

She taps another screen. You know, it's just not as satisfying as a button with real dimension. The future should really think about that.]

[It seems unnecessary to tell her that he agrees. After Marina, it's hard to trust much of anything--the passage of time, the validity of memories, feelings, any of it.

The future has made note of this observation and will take it under advisement. In the meantime, Kitty is thrown directly into a memory.

She's on a shuttle. It isn't one of the Fleet-issued vessels, and there are heavy mists visible from the viewport. Pavel is there, and he appears to be both alone and somewhat rattled.

This is Drade, the memory supplies. Pavel knows he shouldn't have agreed to accompany Nami into the mists--hasn't he been telling people that the promise of treasure isn't worth the risk?--but being eaten by a mysterious fog monster or going mad due to mist inhalation hadn't seemed like such terrible prospects before they'd set off. It was something to do that wasn't moping planetside or scolding Kirk for being reckless.

He started having regrets somewhere around the time when his shipmates vanished.]

Nami? Katara? [He doesn't know why he's calling out to them when this is clearly the mist's doing. He's likely just as gone to them as he is to them. To himself, in Russian:] It's the fog, Pavel. You can't be afraid of an atmospheric phenomenon.

[Except he can be, and he is. The sensation of being wholly, utterly alone is terrifying.

Before he has an opportunity to scold himself further, there's a bang and a drawn-out scratching sound outside. While it's generally inadvisable to open shuttle doors when in flight, Pavel does just that...

...and, instead of mist, he finds the hall of a waystation. Sirens are blaring. The cause of the scratching is a shambling, growling creature that lunges for Pavel. He slams the door shut only to find another creature inside of the shuttle with him.

Oh. Right.]

This is a dream.

[Knowing that doesn't actually make the creature making its way towards him significantly less terrifying. He rips away a wall panel and turns his back on the thing to dig around inside. It leaps at him with a snarl; Pavel narrowly avoids being bitten as he yanks out two sparking wires and shoves them into his attacker's face. A shock courses through the creature and it goes down.

There are more of them inside of the shuttle. He has to make a run for it because, on his own, it's the best he can do.

He slams the shuttle door open and darts past the waiting creature. The waystation's halls have been replaced by the red-hued jungles of Lato'li, but the location change makes just as much sense as anything does in a dream and the jungle isn't any safer than the waystation. Pavel runs.

The Tourist appears. The ship is surrounded by broken and bent vegetation and, as Pavel gets closer, he can see the corpses deliberately pinned to its sides. He runs inside regardless, trying not to look at the bodies and their empty eyes.]

Captain? Kara? Fenris?

[No one answers. The fear that he felt on Drade creeps back in.

Pavel makes his way through the ship's empty corridors and to the bridge. The communications station--he can hail someone from the communications station. There has to be someone out there.]

Kitty? [No response from the Twin Roses. He tries another frequency.] Felix? Anyone?

[No one.

He glances up at the viewscreen, not sure what he hopes or expects to see. The jungle, maybe, or maybe the Marsiva. Not the beautiful blue-green planet that's taking up the entire screen.]

Lyuku. [The planet that was destroyed while Kitty was napping. He's preparing to scan for Fleet signals when the planet shatters, sending the Tourist reeling. He loses his footing and falls, and falls, and falls--

Pavel falls right out of his bunk on the Tourist and hits the floor with a startled and undignified yelp. He scrambles to his feet and fumbles for the light. Everything is in order (although Sasha, stretched out on his small desk, looks fairly put out by the interruption). Everything is fine.

He pauses a moment and consciously tries to slow his heartbeat and quiet his breathing. Everything is fine. After achieving some measure of calm, he grabs his communicator with shaking hands. He needs to talk to someone, to get rid of that lingering feeling that he's completely alone. Pavel pulls up Kitty's frequency out of habit.

But he doesn't make the call. He's put enough on her as it is; he doesn't need to go waking her up in the middle of her sleep cycle on top of that.

After a moment, he puts the communicator down and returns to bed, leaving the light on and the cat in a state of mild annoyance. Everything's fine. He's made it this far without leaning too heavily on anyone and he's dealt with plenty of nightmares. This particular nightmare isn't even new, it's fine, he's got this.

There's a tightness in his throat and a hollow feeling in his chest. He grabs his tablet, pulls up the mapping program that he's been working on, and waits for it to be an acceptable hour to be awake.

The bunk fades back into Pavel's dreamscape.]

[There was a moment there when the dead one lunged for him that Kitty tried to attack him. It was the kind of intangible she didn't intend to be and changed nothing about the dream. She knew that of course, but it was hard to stop herself. She wanted so badly to help Pavel at every turn. It does help when he says it's a dream. It certainly makes a lot more sense. And yet...part of that looked pretty waking.

She waits until things fade back into what passes for normal before looking at Chekov.]

That was a memory of a dream? And then the moments after the dream? [Looking for confirmation even though she already feels pretty certain.]

[It's very confusing when the memory (that's being revealed within a dream) is of a dream that's based on memories. Many layers and few clear indications of what actually happened.]

The moments after were real. [And it wasn't an isolated incident, but he doesn't need to volunteer that information.] You don't need to say that you wouldn't be upset if I called you in the middle of the night, I know that already.

You haven't put too much on me. [She felt those memories instead of just seeing them objectively after all.*] You haven't put anything on me. [She says this like she means it because she does.]

(OOC: *Unless she didn't then please let me know so I can change this horrible godmod tag!)

I have. [He believes she means it. He also believes she's wrong.] I've done nothing but upset you and ask for too much the entire time that I've been here.

(OOC: You are good! No godmodding!)

The situation upset me, not you. And when have you ever asked for anything? [She looks worried.]

I sent the message. [The upsetting one that led to the crying, she knows the one.]

When I first came here, and then with the mistletoe... [He's coming up blank beyond that, but it sure feels like he's been asking her for things that she can't give him.] Maybe I haven't asked out loud, but. [But feelings! He gestures vaguely in lieu of coming up with actual words that support his claim. He's been kind of terrible, Kitty, why is this not obvious to you?]

But...but you want me to choose you? Is that it? That's not something you choose. Not really. You wouldn't have picked a girl that messed up over Reid if it was. And I wouldn't be choosing someone who's gone. Someone I'm probably never going to see again, but every day I wake up and it's still him no matter how many times I tell him or myself or anyone else that I'm moving on.

Yes. No. I know that it doesn't work that way. [But yes, that's what he's been asking for--for someone to choose him, even temporarily.] I know, I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry. You didn't choose it either. [She steps closer to him and takes his hands in hers if he'll let her.] I can't be her. I don't remember all the things she did when she was with you. When she loved you. I lived other things and changed in other ways.

[He does let her, and he looks equal parts hopeful and sad when Kitty says that the version of her who stayed in Marina loved him. As often as he tells himself that Kitty couldn't have fallen in love with him under any circumstances, part of him still wants to believe that she did. It'd be a little less lonely than the none of the girls I've been in love with could have loved me back narrative, even if it would hurt to think that that Kitty and that possibility were gone forever.] I know. I don't expect you to be her, or for you to--

[Choose him. Want to stay. Not go after Winn if the slightest chance of finding him arises.]

Or anything. I don't expect anything except for you to be who you are now.

[Which isn't to say that he doesn't wish that circumstances were different or that they had matching memories. He does. Everything would be so much simpler if they were from the same point in time, whichever point that was. But he has accepted that Kitty as she was in Marina is gone, and Kitty as she is now cannot be her.]

Edited 2019-03-05 05:59 (UTC)

I know. I feel the same about you. [And in much the same way she wishes their memories matched too whatever match they would have made. Though since she was already with Winn and she can't really imagine a world where she didn't fall hopelessly in love with Winn now she'd rather it be that they had memories from the same point she does. Of course she doesn't know how long he felt things or that he wouldn't have continued to develop feelings even if she was with someone else. But there still would have been something easier about that in a way instead of this unnatural situation that was thrust upon them suddenly.]

It's not like it sucks knowing someone still loves me. I just...wish it didn't hurt you. I hate hurting you. And I miss you. I miss being able to talk to you about anything. [Which is on both of them as she saw in that memory. He's holding back and of course she is too. She doesn't talk about her heartbreak or Vash or anything that she thinks might be hard for him to hear. Which wouldn't be so bad except it's kind of a huge part of her emotional life.]

[He can't tell her that this situation doesn't hurt--it does, and it has encouraged him to doubt everything from his desirability to his ability to be loved at all--so he pulls her into a hug instead.]

I miss you too. [Maybe he doesn't get to say that since he's the one who has, on occasion, chosen the path of avoidance, but it's the openness that he really misses.] I don't know how to fix this.

'cause it's better than nothing

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