driftfleet | [video/Action]

[ and he doesn't know how to play it either, especially now. he doesn't know how to feel about reminding her of someone like that. is she saying she senses that deep a darkness from him? god he hopes not, he doesn't want to hurt anyone and the people he finds revolting in the prostitution business are the pimps and the customers - taking shameless and cruel advantage of people who may well not see or have another choice in life. why is he suddenly compelled to look through his heart, to make sure - like one would pat down their pockets to make sure they have their wallet and keys and everything they need in place - that everything is where it belongs, that nothing sinister managed to sneak in while he was otherwise engaged. no, he really doesn't think so...

he tightens his hold on her slightly, squeezing her shoulder. he knows the desire to help someone turn it around - he often fantasized about what it could have been like if he'd have been aware, if he could've helped his dad. he was only 11, he logically knows there was nothing he could do, but the guilt is always there. if he'd have just gotten help...but that's a moot point now. his dad is too far gone. he sincerely hopes her nathan isn't, that he found someone else to take care of him, to help him control what feels uncontrollable. ]

I think it's -- a case by case sorta thing. You wanna...sit somewhere and talk?

[ what he's just felt from her feels heavy, and if she wants to talk about it - he wants to be there for her. they can always come back to the carnival tomorrow. ]

[She gives his hand a squeeze.] Sure. [If only to reaffirm to him that she only sees good things in his heart. Did he already forget she fell in love with his good heart?]

Do you want to sit on a pony that's moving around in circles while we do it? [Is that too ridiculous or just ridiculous enough. She doesn't want it to be heavy. She probably should have brought Nathan up by now. Hell, maybe she should have just gone down a list mentioning everyone she's known. There's still so much they don't know about each other and she wasn't hiding it, but when do you bring up your...sexual sadist ward?]

[ it could be subconscious - neither one of them is particularly great at the self-worth thing, she could be looking for the damaged. ]

Sure.

[ he squeezes her hand in return. he'd rather face her, but he'll do it whichever way she's comfortable. there's plenty they don't know about each other yet but it makes sense - their relationship is still new, and they're complicated people. he needs his time to feel comfortable with sharing some of his stories, he won't begrudge her the same, nor will he begrudge her not wanting to turn their lives into an infinite talk series about her tragedies. they have to live their lives, their present, if they focus too hard on the past they wouldn't be able to move on. his fear of the timing has nothing to do with thinking she was keeping this from him and everything to do with what him reminding her of it now means about him. ]

Nothing. [Okay, so the hand holding sharing makes for some non-existent segues. And apparently she's not waiting for ponies or sitting.] Okay, not nothing, but not a bad thing. Just the part where you're trying to protect your mind from thoughts. But you don't have those thoughts. You're just worried you would. And not like Nathan's. [He's worried about being like his Dad who is terrible, but a completely different level of terrible than a sexual sadist serial killer. Thought also, Nathan wasn't that because he never actually hurt anyone but himself. It's complicated.]

And it's a carnival. It's the kind of thing I'd tell Nathan to try and enjoy and relax a little at if he were here. Plus, lots of junk food. His favorite. Minds bring things up. That's all.

[And maybe she does look for damaged a little so she doesn't feel like she's tainting the person she's with. And so she can feel like they might be able to understand her better. That's all. It's not like she ever wants to relive Tyki.]

[ this time, he's grateful for it. it's not a concern he'd be able to verbalize, but it's definitely one he needs to be reassured of. more concern creeps up as he senses what she's projecting - relive? time travel is always a terrible idea, but still he can't help but wish he could go back (and really why can't he? if he'll manage to crack inter-dimensional travel traveling through time should be feasible! clearly, the two are intertwined considering the atroma have both abilities) and save her from the terrible men in her life. ]

He's got good taste in food and role models. [ he wishes there was some way he could help her check up on him and again - maybe if he manages to get them home that would be possible...if he could bring the tech back with them. but most likely it won't be, just their getting home is going to be hard enough. impossible, he's afraid to think, refuses to think. here, all he can do is offer his ears, his shoulders, his hugs. ]

Do you see what I mean about your good heart? You always want to help everyone with everything. [She stops and hugs him because she loves that about him soooo much. He's a hero. She may have a hard time using that word for herself, but she completely believes it fits Winn.

But for all the love she's feeling for him right now she is starting to feel anxious. It's not something that comes up much with her. She didn't even realize she thought about Tyki until she saw it reflected back in Winn's reaction. She should tell him, but how do you talk about the biggest mistake or series of mistakes of your life to someone who you want to keep loving you? But how do you leave it out and expect that love to mean anything?]

[ he's all ready with a joking response to brush that off with because come on - he's no hero. kara's a hero. kitty's a hero. he's just some guy trying to do better. that may make him a pretty good person, but it doesn't make him a hero - he's too much of a coward still to be a hero. when the circumstances call for it - he doesn't know that he trusts himself not to try to save himself first, to run into danger (and even if he did, what the hell would he do about it?). but then he feels her anxiety, and he pulls slightly away from the hug so he could look her straight in the eyes. ]

Kitty, I love you. I will always love you. [ even if she went evil, he doesn't think he'll be able to fully get over those feelings, because he'll always remember her as she is now. he can't even fully hate his dad, much as he wants it to just be one or the other. feelings are complicated that way. ] I think you need to tell me.

[ yeah, he wants to know, her anxiety is making him anxious (not because he thinks he won't be able to be with her anymore but because it's obviously hurting her deeply, and something that would scare her like that - scares him to death), but he also wants to give her the reassurance she obviously desperately needs and he knows anything he says before she talks about it will be completely meaningless. ]

I've made bad mistakes too.

[She nods slowly.] Let's take a walk? [Out of the carnival. She doesn't want to be done with it, but she also doesn't want to associate it with this. Her voice sounds just a little rough as she asks it.

She hasn't been thinking about Tyki. She had a new life to figure out here. A new love with Winn. New friendships. New everything. She was extremely happy to lock him away and leave him behind. Except he's come out a couple of times already. The first when she told the Allen here about things and then when she was upset and Leto came to console her. She should have talked to Winn then but things were still so new and it was hard to talk about it.

It is still hard to talk about it. She hasn't even started, but she's buzzing with guilt, regret, and disgust. She doesn't start until they are outside the entrance.]

His name is Tyki Mikk. He's from around the end of the 19th century. Different reality. He and I ended up in the prison at about the same time. I was going through some pretty extreme culture shock. He reminded me of home. Not for any good reasons, but because he was dangerous and different. He smoked like me, so fast friends. [A joke, but it doesn't land well.] He also had my power. Well, a version of my power plus a few extras. Neither of us had ever met anyone else who could do what we do.

[ he follows along, allowing her to dictate their pace, the conversation, everything. he's not sure what he's about to hear now, but he knows it's not going to be good. he also knows she needs to say it. as horrible as it felt to have everyone know about his dad again - he needed to be able to talk about it. being able to express his fears out loud to kara that first time, after stewing on them for almost 2 decades was the most liberating feeling he's ever experienced.

he nods, so far he's following along - it's the same instant camaraderie he feels around fellow nerds; all his concerns about hank were practically wiped the moment they started nerding at each other, and he and cisco were practically brothers the first time they spoke. ok it's not exactly the same, but he's never met people who're that similar to him, it's as close an analogy as he's got. ]

[She nods again as if to accept his analogy. It works. And there weren't many people with powers back then at all so she felt less isolated around him.] He was... [Smooth. Seductive. Attractive. Hard to resist. None of these are good things to say to Winn.] a flirt, but I was married, so it wasn't a consideration. [Even though she was still angry at Piotr for the other things she knew about at the time. The things she suspected. And lonely.]

Then I found out what happened. That I died. That he'd killed me, and I didn't take it that well... I was hurting and angry at Piotr and myself and frustrated and after a week or so I just wanted to feel anything else.

[She bows her head, watching the ground because she can't look at Winn.] I ran into him...things happened. [Coming out of the rain to hot, hot wall sex. Sorry, Winn. She can control what she says, but some of the memories play out anyway at least in glimpses. If it helps, while the memory was hot at the time she looks back on it now with underlying disgust.]

I knew I couldn't trust him. I knew he'd murdered people back home. [But she didn't really know the context. She's murdered too. It was easy to make excuses.] But I think I wanted that. Wanted someone I knew I couldn't trust because trusting Piotr is what got me killed. It's what got our students killed.

Edited 2016-07-18 22:05 (UTC)

[ he can't really help it - those memories hurt. he knows she was with other men before, but knowing and seeing - feeling - remembering - are two completely different things. he has to let go of her hand because if he experiences any more of it he -- he doesn't even know. too many emotions rage inside of him; anger, envy, pain, irrational betrayal, and the need to put them all aside because this is unhelpful.

he can't take seeing it, he just can't. seeing kitty with another man breaks his heart, even if it's in the past. he tries to let go of the images (unlikely, they'll be haunting his nightmares) and focus on her words. they're not a lot better, much as he does understand what she's saying. he tries to put himself in her shoes - how would he react if he found out he died? that he was killed by kitty? according to kara he fell into the arms of a supervillain just at having been rejected. he has no room to judge her, and he wants to convey that but reaching out again is scary -- he's not sure what he'll see, sure that he won't be able to take it gracefully. his jealousy is too intense. ]

You wanted someone safe and that meant someone who was visibly dangerous.

[ he nods. betrayal is terrifying. he's experienced it. it took him a long time to learn to trust people again and he's still terrible at opening up to them -- and he wasn't killed by his father (though...he was cutting it pretty close). ]

[She understands when he pulls his hand away. Oh, it still hurts, but she understands. She almost let go so many times as the words came out. But she didn't want it to seem like she was about to lie or that she didn't trust him. She could really use some thought/feeling-free touch from him though.]

I, um, I know it sounds messed up. It was, but it's not something I put into words at the time. It just happened and then it kept happening for months. [Little choices every day to make a very big mistake.] And I started to think he was changing. That away from his world he wanted something better for himself. Something more. He'd been an orphan with a hard life and he never asked for the powers or what came with them. [Even now she feels some sympathy toward him. It's just outweighed by memories of what he did later.] I started to think maybe it was something real with us. I think he did care, but...

Not enough to change what he was.

[ if he could give her some thought/feeling free touch, he would do it, he really wants to think he would. but right now, it's difficult to imagine because touching her means seeing more of him touching her, her touching him, he's not sure which is worse but both are unbearable. ]

You needed to believe in him, so you did.

[ it makes sense, kitty's too good a person to compartmentalize like that. neither one of them can really manage not to get attached, so trying to do that with a bad person can only ever end one way. he keeps reminding himself of her situation, explaining the reasoning to himself in his head, so when they do touch again what she'll sense is understanding, but she's right...it is hard. he admires her good heart, her desire to understand, but getting involved with a murderer...it's a hard pill for him to swallow. she's not a murderer, she killed in a war, reluctantly, for a cause, for protection, for survival. she's a soldier. he...sounds nothing like that. ]

What did he do? [ his voice sounds odd to him, it should be strained, but it isn't. it's like, someone else is inhabiting his body, someone calm. ]

[She's worried and wandering how Winn is taking all of this inside, but she doesn't reach out. She finds a bench and sits on one edge of it, knowing he won't want to just cuddle in the middle.] There was an attack. Him and and another noah from his world. That's what he was called. A noah. It was this strange biblical thing. Um, but it was the two of them against two exorcists. They're enemies back home. [And it was easy enough to write off as an ongoing war she didn't know enough about to really understand.] As far as I knew it was the first time he'd attacked anyone in the prison. One of those exorcists was my friend, Allen. There weren't many injuries, but it still felt like a betrayal of the trust I was never supposed to give him. That's when I broke up wit him.

...The first time.

[ he sits halfway to the middle - close, but not touching, trying to offer support, to show her he's not walking away from her without subjecting himself to memories he knows he can't handle and her to his reactions - reactions that are way more complicated than he'd like them to be. ]

You went back.

[ he understands the concept of an unhealthy relationship, he's had his share. he's spent his entire life so starved for affection, he was willing to let people treat him like crap and he kept on going back. it's just weird to think of kitty in the same position. she's so much stronger than he ever was, so much better. and this man...sounds so much worse than anyone he's ever been involved with. ]

How many times?

Once. [There's a pause as she thinks about it.] Once like we were anyway. [Because there was another time she sought comfort in him even if nothing more than crying on him and being held happened. She takes a shaky breath.]

Time passed. I was lonely. He hadn't done anything more and it was easy enough to write off as a war from back home. There was a dance. A prom even. And I wasn't with him, but we danced together and Cross—the other exorcist—gave me this look and I don't know. It felt like I was being judged already and as long as I was being considered like I was doing the wrong thing. ...I might as well.

[She hates so much that she made that choice and it shows in her expression even if he's not touching her to feel it, but she's also glad he's not touching her because she knows what came next. They got back together on the beach that night. Passionate and wrong. He was the "Noah of Pleasure" for a reason.]

So we did for awhile.

[ the urge to hold her is pretty overwhelming, he hates seeing that expression on her, but he's so afraid of what he'll see - what he'll show her. so instead, he turns a little so he could face her. ]

Kitty, none of that's gonna make me stop loving you.

[ she's so young and she's been through more than anyone should in a hundred lifetimes. she was lonely and hurt and he may have been a terrible person, but he helped her not feel it for a bit. he hates that it happened, but he can understand it. ]

[She moves in to hug him because it feels like the most natural thing in the world, but she stops abruptly, awkwardly, remembering what that brings with it and that he was the one who stopped touching her.]

It got so much worse after that. [His actions at least. She doesn't feel as much guilt about what follows, but there's some.]

[ he takes a breath - man up, winn - and gives her a quick hug, one much shorter than he'd like but he doesn't dare to make it longer because he's so afraid of seeing those images again, seeing more. he'd rather relive his abduction that this front row seat of the kitty-and-another-man (who didn't even make her happy) show. ]

It's okay. You can tell me. I'm not going anywhere.

[ again, his voice sounds foreign to him, so much calmer than he feels, like the vacuum that's been left inside of him has been filled by a much more efficient substitute winn. ]

[She's definitely not thinking of them together physically anymore. At least not at the time of the hug. She's trying her best not to think of any moments and to just express how much she loves Winn and hates upsetting him.]

Thanks.

[When the hug breaks she looks into his eyes for a moment before her gaze dips again.] He attacked them again. It was worse this time. Cross was nearly dead. Looked like he should be dead. He hung him from the church. It was horrific and Allen had already dealt with it, so there was nothing left to do.

...So I burned his bar down. [Not her proudest moment, but also not want she regrets. One she just needed at the time.] I promise that's the only vengeful exgirlfriend move I've ever made. I just...needed to literally burn that bridge so I didn't try going back. [Too bad she can air walk and doesn't actually need bridges.]

I'd also realized he'd held Cross captive in his home...while I was there. He even taunted him in Portuguese I didn't understand yet. [She made damn sure to step up her game after that. It felt like so much more of a betrayal of her and not just a war. He enjoyed it too much.]

That was the last time we broke up.

[ he takes in another breath, not sure how to even begin to process any of that.

he needs something good to focus on, there has to be an angle he can focus on to keep it together until he process it. well - if after all of that she still trusts him - that has to mean she really believes in his not turning into a monster. that's a silver lining. for her to trust him after all of that, he has to be doing something right. ok. he has his good angle to focus on. he's focusing. he'll process later, when he's on his own, when he doesn't have to be strong for her, to reassure her, when he doesn't have to keep his feelings under tight wraps. ]

Kitty, I'm so sorry.

[ that's monstrous, and it's like losing his dad all over again - it hurts so much to think of someone she cared about hurting her like that. okay, yeah, she should have known better. that doesn't make any of this her fault. the two are not mutually exclusive, he doesn't care how it may sound, they just aren't. ]

[She knows she should have known better too. That hurts the most about it. She had a hard time trusting herself afterward. She still does sometimes.] I just wish it had ended there. [There's more story and she might as well finish it.]

It was Reid who helped me through it. [He'd even been there as she watched the bar burn.] And Tyki started...harassing him and threatening him. He'd lost his ties to staying on the straight and narrow so he wasn't trying at all anymore.

[ everything about him tightens. he's glad reid was there for her, but it just makes him all the more unforgettable, doesn't it? ]

Did you have to...? [ did she kill him? he wouldn't feel bad for tyki, and for once he doesn't care what kind of person that would make him, but he hates to think that she was pushed into that corner again. ]

Did I have to what? [She looks confused for a moment as if having understood him so well up until now made he too lazy to be intuitive on her own.]

Oh... Oh. [She sighs.] I tried. Not because of that though. It wasn't until he murdered Ianto—a friend of mine. There wasn't even a reason. No grudge. No fight. Just he wanted to kill someone and Ianto was there. He was unarmed, powerless, not a trained fighter. And Tyki tortured him. Ripped him apart and wrote scripture versus on the walls in his blood. Left one of his arms for me. [This is the part. This is the part that makes all of the rest of it so terrible to her now. The part that fills her with disgust because even messing with Reid she could justify to a tiny extent. There was jealousy on both sides and they were pushing each other's buttons. But killing Ianto so unnecessarily and with so much...flare? He was a monster the whole time.]

That's when I tried to kill him.

[ and just like that, he doesn't care about his fear anymore, his pain, his jealousy, everything else he's feeling - it doesn't matter anymore because if he doesn't hug her now than he's even less worthy of her than he thought.

he pulls her in for a proper hug this time, trying to ignore whatever memories she's projecting in favor of concentrating on the support he wants her to feel from him, the love. ]

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