driftfleet | Windrose Mingle

Only when the girl's hot.

[ he does try, though it never feels like enough. ]

Worst case scenario I'll brainstorm with Kara again. It's a pretty great worst case scenario, I wish all of them were 'hang out with best friend'. What a world that'd be.

I might have to take your feminism degree away for that one.

[Resting against him.]

If all of them were that I wouldn't get to see you much. [Sounds like a pretty terrible worst-case scenario actually.]

Feminism's about equality so if mine goes yours goes first.

[ moving his hand to stroke her hair, he takes a quiet deep breath. ]

Hey, that sounds like a worst case scenario to me, so it couldn't exist in a hang-out-with-your-best-friend-is-the-worst-case-scenario verse.

Good point. One of them anyway. I'll let you guess which. [She nuzzles and it's scratchy again. She reaches up to play with the whiskers on his chin.] Are presents keeping you too busy to shave? [She was a bit removed from the captain nobeard thing.]

It's both, isn't it.

[ he reaches the hand that isn't playing with her hair to scratch his chin, and shakes his head slowly with a sigh. ]

Not your thing? [ it's not really his thing either, when he woke up to facial hair after his coma getting rid of it was one of the first items on his to-do list. ]

Well... [She's not sure what to say. It's not, but it's his body. And she loves him so she's not leaving over a beard. At least it doesn't remind her of any of her exes?] Did you want to grow it out?

God no. [ that sounds like a pain in the...face. and he also doubts he'll pull it off. ] I just can't bring myself to shave it.

[ which is dumb, but that's where he is right now. the atroma was dumb first, ok! they started it! ]

[She's not worried he wouldn't be cute with it. He's always cute. Just logistically it isn't the greatest thing to feel. It would probably feel a little better longer though?]

Can't bring yourself to shave it? [She's not connecting the dots. They are too far apart. She does wonder if it has something to do with Sascha or even being on the Windrose more but she doesn't see how.]

[ he sighs. it all feels so distant, so much time was lost because he just couldn't...because he wasn't stronger. because he wasn't a hero. ]

Sascha and I had this game - we were pirates. And he named me Captain Nobeard.

[ and now sascha's gone and he doesn't want to be nobeard anymore even though he doesn't want a beard, either. ]

[She returns her arms around him for a proper hug with a tight squeeze.] I miss him too. [She hasn't really spoken about it because...she can't. It's too hard. She's not sure she can keep it together. She starts thinking about what he's going back to if he does go back. Her nightmares think about it though.]

I know.

[ he squeezes in return and kisses the top of her head. he didn't get to make things all the way right with sascha, it's not fair. yeah, he was seeing him again, he gave him a bear and they were talking, but he wasn't being the big brother he was supposed to be and that's how it ended and now he may never get the chance to be that again and it's making him want to latch onto margaery all the more, because now she's the only little sibling he has left and he doesn't want to feel this way ever again.

he failed sascha and now he's gone and nothing could take that pain away. ]

[She feels similarly. She wasn't the one afraid of him, but she kept him at a distance for Winn's comfort even when she knew he was lonely and hurting. She wanted to reach out and she did in small ways, but it was never back to the way it had been and he just absorbed every morsel of it he could get. It meant so much to him which only makes it hurt more. Not supporting and protecting Winn felt wrong too. Everything just felt wrong. And now he's gone. Don't cry. Don't cry. She draws a deep breath.] It shouldn't have been him.

[ he never wanted that, never wanted him distanced from anyone except himself at the times he couldn't handle him. somehow, he never managed to make him understand that he shouldn't shut himself in, that all he was asking for was a head's up before he comes to the tourist on windrose so he wouldn't have a heart attack walking down the hall, or that he could decide to leave if he wasn't up for it - not that he never go anywhere at all. but that's what he ended up doing, and it was in his name, and he didn't do enough to stop it, and he's guilt ridden, and it frustrates the hell out of him because he knows that had it been anyone else in his shoes - he would've told them to cut themselves some slack, they almost died! there's only so much concern you can show for the person who almost killed you when you're dealing with that trauma. any at all is impressive.

but not when it comes from him. he feels like a failure, like he doesn't deserve kitty's comfort. does she blame him, the way he blames himself? does she resent him now, for depriving her of those last few months with sascha, even though he did his damndest to never tell her not to go, even when he didn't want her to? is she going to grow to hate him now, will he lose her too - not to the atroma, but to his own cowardice?

it shouldn't have been him. no, no it shouldn't have been. it should have been someone who wants to go home or, at the very least, someone whose home is as good if not better than the fleet. ]

Maybe he's somewhere better. [ oh god, that makes it sound like he's dead. a shudder runs down his spine. ] I mean -- you know that kidnappy place where you snuggle - I hope he's there.

[No resentment here. She understood why he was upset. She wanted to be there to comfort Winn and not have him worrying about her safety. She only wonders if there was more she could have been doing for Sascha as well, but it's too late now.]

He'd really like that place. I hope he did go there. [Anywhere but home. She snuggles closer to Winn not that she can get much closer.]

I'm glad it wasn't you. [Another thing making her feel guilty. As much as she hates seeing people she cares about leave there is some tiny relief that at least she still has Winn.]

[ he holds her as tight as he can, resting his chin against the top of her head. ]

I'm glad it wasn't you too.

[ he could deal with losing most people - it'd hurt, but he could at least comfort himself that they might be happier. that they're back where they belong.

kitty doesn't have a place to belong to anymore. if she disappears, it's either to another one of these worlds, or to death. and that...that tightens his throat and his chest and his arms around her. he doesn't want to think about it but how can he not? ]

[She likes the secure way he's holding her but she has to shift so she can kiss him and look into his eyes. Her own are close to tears after letting herself think about Sascha and now admitting that she's afraid it will be Winn and happy it wasn't.] I love you.

I love you too.

[ seeing her so close to tears almost pushes him over the edge himself. by the end of this, the atroma may actually turn him into his father because right now he feels so much added hatred for them he might do more than just not feel bad should they die. ]

Let's go in our room. [The pronouns have been shifting around. Sometimes "my" sometimes "your" on the Tourist. And more and more "our".]

Sure.

[ getting up is a somewhat slow process, because he's not ready to let go of her quite yet. ]

[If only he could just scoop her up and carry her inside. As it is she'll hug him a little longer too and then stay close as they make their way inside. Then she curls up on him on the bed.] I want to get you a room. I've been trying to figure out how to make that happen.

[ alas, he hasn't been working out that much.

he wraps his arms around her instantly.

oh. it's sweet, but it also hurts. a room. because they're constantly here. will they ever be able to go back to the tourist? he has no right to talk, his fear of shuttling at the beginning and of sascha later kept them on the tourist long, but still he misses it, misses his friends, his nighttime activities there. ]

Think there has to be a transfer for that. [ and there have been so few new arrivals. ]

No, I know. I don't mean like that though. I know the Tourist is important to you. I wouldn't ask. [She gives him a squeeze.] I was just thinking maybe trying to get someone to [realizing maybe this is all he meant, not even about him possible transferring. So that's awkward. But as much as she says she'd never ask she has thought about them just being on the same ship before.] um...to join the crew who would bring back the lab or open up an office for you to use too.

[ that is what he meant, and he does feel awkward now. she wouldn't ask - but she wants him to. of course she does, they're spending most nights on the windrose because she wants to be here, it would be easier on her if he just moved, it makes sense - they've been together for eight months now, and the windrose doesn't have a super-hearing alien and a crew that never sleeps to listen to them have sex - but it wouldn't be easier on him. he isn't as comfortable here, he doesn't feel as safe, and that also affects his sleep, his mood, his everything. he needs a home, and for him on this fleet - that's only the tourist.

he clears his throat, not sure how to proceed. ]

It's okay I can just sit in the kitchen. I just didn't wanna go too far tonight.

[ with both of them feeling so miserable, he just wanted to be somewhere he could have the lights on at without disturbing her. ]

[She feels equal weight of feeling like she should just transfer to the Tourist and be with him. She thought about it once Vision was gone. After all, he'd been such a big reason she felt so comfortable and good on this ship. But the truth is with him gone it's just all the more important to her to be here for the rest of the crew even as they seem to dwindle. It's not just the first mate title. She feels that responsibility. She would regardless.]

Close is good. [She needed him and not going far was perfect.] I'd still like to figure something out. I know this isn't easy for you. [It wasn't easy on her when she was spending so much of her time on the Tourist after the attack. Of course then she wasn't even leaving much during the day. She doesn't mind being away from home for stretches, but she doesn't handle being cooped up well very long at all and the ships always make her feel that way. The best she can do is travel between them for a change of pace.]

[ winn doesn't mind being cooped up, as long as he's in comfortable surroundings. back home, that's basically his life - day divided between the office and home, with occasional outings with kara. far from minding it, he likes it. it's when he doesn't like where he's at that he starts getting restless, feeling caged. he tries to spend as much of his day as possible on the tourist, and bedtime has been getting later and later as he's been struggling to tear himself away at times.

not tonight though. sascha leaving has been a blow for both of them, and he needs to be there for her as much as he needs to be near her for himself.

he debates dropping it, it's not the time for this - but will it ever be? ]

I'm fine. [ he's not. he kisses her forehead. ] But it'd be good to get more people in here. [ maybe she wouldn't worry as much if it weren't turning into such a ghost ship.

shit why did he think that, he's freaking himself out. ]

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