driftfleet | Iskaulit Mingle - Problems with Psychics

Wow.

[ he's got a sort of awed look on his face. that's amazing. he wants to ask so many questions he actually sits on his free hand and bites down on his lip to keep from vomiting them all at her.

this isn't about him. this is about her story. it's about hermione. let her talk. just let her talk. ]

[ Hermione can't help the way she looks a little... Sheepish before she shrugs, fighting her laugh. ]

You can ask if you want, Winn.

Sorry - [ he looks just as sheepish. ] your life is just -- super interesting.

[ Her lips twitch ever so slightly. ]

It has been an adventure.

Adventure feels like a good term.

[ he nods, they're exciting, but they definitely have their downs. ]

It never really ends. I went from fighting a war to the Drabwurld to here. It's like I'm destined to be in the middle of something.

If all these pocket dimensions are connected [ as he suspects they are; otherwise they would be warring with each other. he can't imagine almighty overlords being too happy with having their participants poached, it makes much more sense for the transfers to be consensual. ] it may mean they find you too promising to let go of. You adapt, you thrive, I don't know what their ultimate goal is here, but...whatever it is, I guess you fit their job description.

[ he doesn't believe in destiny. but this is just as bad. well, almost. this can't last forever sooner or later all these brilliant and powerful people will find a way out and on that day - their almighty overlords will pay for it all. ]

It would have been nice to have been asked before they started dragging me around. [ Hermione's hand goes to her scar, the one on her face rather than the werewolf bites to her neck, rubbing against it absently. She can't stop touching it sometimes, running her fingers along the blood-red marking; it should be as silvery as the rest of her scarring is, but this one feels too much like the engraved mudblood on her arm - a reminder of something.

Huffing a noise, she tilts her head up to look at Winn. ] I might fit their description but I was busy.

[ yeah, it would have been nice. most of them had lives, goals, families. but these overlords don't give a shit about what they have going in their lives, so he tries to at least look at the positive - if he were asked, of course he would've said no. and if he would've said no, well, he would've missed out on kitty, and all his friends. ]

Silver lining, if you would've been asked you wouldn't have met me - [ he nudges her lightly. he could've said 'cisco' of course, but he's trying to lighten the mood a little bit, not make her uncomfortable. ]

[ Hermione never asked for a lot of things. She didn't ask to be in the middle of a war, but she chose to go with Harry, through thick and thin. She never asked to go to the Drabwurld, but she stepped up and she did her best to help support and lead people. She never asked to arrive at the Fleet, sad and lonely and longing for what she left behind, but she was trying to make the best of it. Trying to accept, be happy, love the people around her. It was getting easier, day by day, but it still hurt. ]

You're right. Where would I be then, hm? [ And she means it, too, nudging him back and giving him a sly smile. ]

[ and it's that strength that, unfortunately, probably makes her so popular with kidnapping overlords. nobody wants to watch a girl hiding under her bed and sobbing all day long. ]

Completely lost. [ he returns a sly smile, thinking fondly of the time kara claimed she'd be just that without him in her life. ]

[ It makes her laugh, and she leans close, nudging him gently and settling herself close. ]

I'm glad I have you here, otherwise I'm not sure what I'd do with myself. I'm very lucky.

[ rubbing her shoulder. ]

Well you got me, and nothing you say or do is gonna get rid of me.

[ That makes her pause, considering for a moment. ]

Even if I told you - the worst thing?

Even then.

[ good it worked, he wasn't sure - subtlety isn't his strong suit. ]

[ Hermione hesitates, something uncertain in her features before she lifts a hand to touch her face. ]

... Would you like to know how I got this scar?

[ he looks at her, and says what he once told kitty. ]

I don't need to know to know that it won't change how I feel about you. But I think...you need me to know, or someone - to know. So you can stop punishing yourself for it.

[ That just makes her breathe out, sharply, and there's something thick and painful in her throat - and all she can do is nod her head, rubbing her finger along the red marking. ]

My best friend gave me something to protect. I didn't really know what it was, not really, just that it was powerful and I was supposed to hide it from the monarchs - so I did. I put it in a blood magic mirror and I kept it a secret from everyone... Until the Queen summoned me and told me she knew about it. She told me that she knew, and that she needed it, and that - that I had to give it to her. And I trusted her, I really did. She said that I was brave, that I had done the right thing, hiding it from this other man, called Reynard, because he would use it to destroy everything. I made a vow to my best friend and I broke it because I trusted the King and Queen, because I thought I was doing the right thing. She said there was spirit in there, too, and it died, and it was someone's brother, and I -

[ Hermione breathes out, her hands clenched on her lap, squeezing her eyes shut even tighter. It hurts, deep in her chest, and she feels tears welling up in her eyes. All of this is years old, now, but guilt still bites at her. 'A girl's promise. Not my secret knight, but my brave sorceress. Your bravery and goodness are all the armour and sword you need, my darling.' ]

The monarchs took that sigil and used it against their enemies. The power of the thing I gave them toppled a castle, and inside hundreds of people were trapped. The power I gave them ended up murdering innocent people, servants and people without shards that were caught up in a war. Then my friend's mentor found out who I was and what I had done, and we met at a tournament. She demanded a duel, to the death, to make up for my lost honour, my broken vow. I knew I was going to die, there was no way I could beat someone in a rapier duel without magic, and... And I went, because I had no other choice.

[ Hermione traces her scar again and breathes out, whispering words aloud because she has no other option. ]

'Reputation is what other people know about you. Honour is what you know about yourself.' She cut me instead of killing me, and let me go. My punishment was to remember, forever, and to bleed for my crime.

[ he pulls her into his arms, and holds tightly, securely. he can imagine this pain, he can practically feel it - it takes him back to his awful impossible choice, but he was saved from the consequences because he had supergirl.

he's so lucky. he only wishes hermione was, too. ]

It's not your fault. [ his voice is choked up but firm, he feels for her, he feels so much, his chest hurts but he pushes it down. ] You tried to do the right thing, and that's all any of us can do. We can't know the future, it could've just as easily been the right choice. It's not on you, it's on them. And if you need more proof of the wonderful person you are -- it's right here, in how torn up about this you are. You're a good person, Hermione. I'm not going anywhere.

[ The problem is that Hermione doesn't know how to cope, not really. She's done terrible things and they play in front of her mind more than she can possibly admit, and she loathes herself for it. At the time it was the right choice, the only choice, but now, looking back...

(What other option did she have? Solais could have taken it anyway and left her dead asleep and never let her wake up, she could have kept the Sigil and been poisoned with it, or Reynard could have found her, anything could have happened, but Harry's voice rings in her ears.)

Tilting her head up, she looks up at Winn, trying to draw herself back but not having the will. She's crying, now, and tries to rub her tears away, trying to be stronger and taller. ]

It's not fair. All those people didn't deserve to die, Winn. Not because of me.

It wasn't because of you, Hermione. It wasn't.

[ he wouldn't let her pull away, not when she's crying, not when he knows she'll only be doing it because of some screwed up notion that she doesn't deserve the comfort - he knows that mindset. he is that mindset. it's bullshit. ]

If you'd have known, you would've fought, wouldn't you. Done everything in your power to keep it out of their hands, right? That's who you are. You didn't kill those people, you're as much a victim as they are.

[ The problem is that... That isn't what Harry said to her. Even now, years later, they had never quite overcome their differences, not really. He had shown her what happened, he had called her out, told her she'd betrayed him, that it was her fault, and she had no reason not to believe him - not Harry. John and Remus and Lancelot had come with her to her duel but she had known; she'd known they'd felt the same judgement she felt heavy in her chest.

Leaning into him, she breathes out, quietly, shivering a little from her tears. ]

I should have done something. I was the Sorceress - Protectress. I didn't protect anyone.

[ he would slap all of them in the face. and then hide behind kara and kitty. ]

You're one person. You're one really strong person - but you're still just one person. You can't do everything. And that's not true anyway - I'm sure you protected plenty of others, right? How many people did you save, help, given hope to? I know it's tempting to judge yourself on your downfalls but...you have to count the good. It happened too, and it's what you meant to do.

[ Tilting her head up, she looks over at him, hesitating before she blinks back tears. ]

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself, Winn. For all the things I've done.

[ he gently wipes her cheek, and just looks at her for a moment. ]

I almost did something terrible once too, some nights...I still have nightmares about it. But when I told Jim about it, do you know what he said? He told me - that the fact that I feel so bad about it proves that I'm not a monster, that I could never be the kind of person who's capable of doing those kinds of things. Our guilt is a badge of honor - it's proof that we care. But...it doesn't mean that we can't cut ourselves a little slack. You deserve happiness, Hermione, you deserve to know that you're a good person, who just was put in so many unfair situations and did the best you could.

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