driftfleet | » we're all starstruck in september

I'm not about to go shooing you off the ship. [ which, she realizes, is hardly a glowing endorsement of natasha remaining. so she hurries to clarify: ] You're here to see Steve, aren't you? I can send him back your way.

[ she's under no illusions; she can't imagine natasha was here to see her. serendipity's to blame for this lovely fresh tension shared between the pair of them. ]

If you're awake again, I don't have much of a reason left to wait around on him. We had a standing date to spar in the morning until you woke up. Looks like the date's broken.

[Said without rancor.]

I'll see him around.

Morning spars, was it?

[ peggy glances at the punching bag. and then back to natasha. ]

Don't tell me I'd find sewn patches on you, too, if I went looking.

I'm quicker than the bag. [Said with a snort, wry.] And I guess there's no rule against breaking me; he remembers to pull his punches.

[That sounds more awkward than Natasha intended, the joke strange given the context.

Natasha winces a little.

She needs to get her footing back.]

I thought he could use the distraction, and the company.

[ miraculously, she can forgive how it sounds. she's had to forgive a lot these last few hours. and riding in on the back of what she'd remembered from home? well, christ, at least they aren't talking about that. ]

He probably needed both. [ she admits, less so for any knowledge of steve but the memory of her own time in his shoes. as nasty as she'd been, she knows she could have been nastier still. ] Which means I suppose I've got you to thank for the lack of dents and patches in any other part of my ship.

Edited 2017-09-03 04:14 (UTC)

You have Steve to thank for it, really. He was the one not punching your ship.

[And Natasha's not sure how she feels about gratitude, however backhanded.

She doesn't ask any of the questions she wants to, though it slows down her works as she pauses to consider what to say next.]

Besides, it was good for both of us.

Why? [ the unanticipated upside to uncompromising honesty is that she can ask things as sincerely as she answers them. ] Find yourself acclimatized once again now that you're back to visiting us here on the Starstruck?

[ she might have been out for a week, she might have remembered more, but she doesn't forget the state of things before she'd passed out. natasha had been conspicuously (and understandably) absent. ]

Not sure I'd go that far. But talking to Steve puts some things in perspective.

[Not because his point of view on things or suggestions are right, but because they do force Natasha to question her own.]

Besides, it gives me something to do.

[ some things.

it's not hard to guess what those things might be. but peggy can't help herself (literally!) so she asks: ]

The two of you spoke, did you? And what did Steve have to say about our -- [ is there a generous way of putting this? ] -- oh, let's call them our strained relations.

[ she is going to regret her candor in a week's time, oh yes she is. somehow, she's become a creature even less subtle in her driving point. ]

We talked. We didn't talk about that specifically. [That's twisting the truth a little, though not outright lying. Natasha never gave Steve all of the story.] He did notice the strained relationship, though. He thought I should talk to you.

[A brief beat, then she adds:]

Honestly.

[It's like he doesn't know her at all.]

Oh, of bloody course he did.

[ think that. notice. one or the other. but it's obvious enough that peggy and natasha can at least be on this same page for a heartbeat or three.

peggy scrubs at the side of her neck with her palm -- thoughtlessly mirroring a very steve-like stance in the first place. ]

When he talks honestly, it serves him well. He doesn't understand how it might do the very opposite for -- someone else.

[ for them. for nat, perhaps, especially. ]

Edited 2017-09-03 05:00 (UTC)

He meant well. [Natasha nods slightly, as though confirming it to herself.] He just... misunderstood the core problem. He thinks there's tension between us for the same reason there was tension between him and me early on.

So he thinks we can fix it the same way. But there's not really anything to fix, is there?

[That might be unkind, but Natasha says it neutrally, the way she might report a mission detail.]

Fix? Perhaps not. I suppose it depends.

[ peggy is in no place to be hurt by this. remarkably, she might have endured just the right amount of pain before waking up to have figured this part out above and beyond any augment glitches. her argument with jarvis, under the desert sun, had left her with a great deal to think about. that critical eye turns inward; she's forced to confront the way in which she abrades every bridge she's got just to keep from gaining something she might someday fear to lose.

it's pathetic, really. and she'd felt the weight of just how pathetic it must be when she saw the insult and agony in jarvis's face.

she shifts on her feet -- a brief moment of unbalance in heart and in posture. ]

You know, you're not the only one I chased off. [ a clearing of her throat. ] Max didn't step a foot on the ship for just about the same stint of time. It's been brought to my attention that I've got a talent for it.

[ chasing people off. so maybe there mightn't be anything to fix, but there could be something to build in its stead. ]

I'm not upset about it. Not really. I know it's not personal.

[Which isn't the same as not taking it personally. The space between what she knows rationally and just how far she can control her feelings is just enough for that distinction to fit through.]

It was bad timing, mostly. Bad timing and different needs. It happens.

[ bad timing and different needs. now, isn't that the long and short of so very many of her lower moments? and there's peggy, always telling herself that her needs never align with casual friendship, with easy camaraderie, or simple company kept with a smile and a laugh. she's made things so difficult with natasha. she sees it now -- but there's gratitude found in how the earth isn't quite so scorched as it had been with jarvis days earlier. back home. ]

Perhaps it happens all too often. [ which isn't an apology, per se, but it toes the edge of one. she's already nearer to it than she'd ordinarily like to be. ] We don't make it easy, you and I.

[Natasha doesn't say that she tried to. Make it easy that is. But what she'd tried to do doesn't matter so much if she failed so spectacularly. Instead she says:]

Maybe we don't. In our defense, it's not as though we've run into easy much. I think it's one of those things, like apple pie, I know what it looks like and I've tasted it a few time, but never got the hang of making it.

[Which is as close as she'll come to accepting an apology that isn't actually given.]

I wanted it to be easy. That's on me..

[ apple pie is an apter comparison than she'll ever know. peggy's not made much, but she's made an apple pie. once. and from sarah rogers's recipe to boot -- jim barnes gave it to her. and like most things in life, she'd learned that doing it for steve's sake alone leaves her a little hollow.

like finding an even keel with natasha: she's got to do it for herself. not for anyone else. ]

You mentioned fixing things. [ actually, she'd mentioned that there wasn't anything there to be fixed. but peggy loops back around to the sentiment. curt and honest. ] But I think I'd rather scrap what's come before and work on replacing it with something better.

[Can you though? Natasha isn't so convinced that works for people. But if that's the way that Peggy needs to think of it, that's the way she needs to think about it. Now isn't the time for an argument over sementics.

Natasha risks a question now. She figures if there's an answer she's entitled to, it's this one.]

Is that what you want? Something fresh with me?

[ there's a note of reproach in her eyes -- but no more, really, than might be expected when met with a direct question under these circumstances. all in all, the way she chafes under her glitch is little more than a standard deviation of her mood. an allowable threshold of annoyance, serving to catapult her past the worst of this moment.

peggy is silent. for a beat, for two, and then she nods. ]

I think I would. Yes.

[ context is important, perhaps, but peggy offers none of it. having remembered more from home, knowing natasha in the first place feels more distanced -- like memories from before that haven't quite managed to slot themselves firmly into place. now's the time to strike and make better while the thoughts are still malleable.

for her, at least. ]

[Natasha snorts, her lips twitching, head shaking. The worst thing about all this is that it makes Steve right, more or less. Not about the particulars. But it did change things know someone wanted to be your friend.

She has no intention of telling him that.]

In that case... I'd like to try.

[ another nod -- firmer, this time. more certain. that wasn't so bad, was it? perhaps this honesty thing has its uses. ]

And we could start with me imploring you not to breathe a word to anyone else about any rules.

[ nope. no. being truthful still sucks eggs. she looks mortified the moment the words leave her lips. ]

Edited 2017-09-03 15:59 (UTC)

It doesn't go any further than me. [But that doesn't mean Natasha is going to forget about it. And while she wont ask questions Peggy has to answer, when Peggy brings it up again, it's hard to let it pass entirely.] I still can't believe you have rules about that.

[ and maybe natasha's right. maybe the protocol is starting to outstay its usefulness. but in those early days, when both steve and she had been humbled by the opportunity before them? waypoints had felt necessary. she didn't want to get lost in what they had. more importantly, she didn't want to forget that her first priority is to the ship. for peggy, it felt no different than years earlier when she'd started going steady with fred wells.

back then, it'd been bletchley's barracks instead of a ship. she hails from a time where even lodging houses kept strict curfews and rules for its residents -- there is a secrecy and a shame attached that she's never been able to quite shake. for all her progressive nature, she's far from a perfect specimen of open-mindedness.

and steve is her first mate. there are a helluva lot of honest answers she can give, but peggy clears her throat and allows her inclination to settle on only one. ]

Let's call it a precaution, then. Instead of a rule. [ ... ] I'd rather not test the sound-proofing.

[ she cards her fingers testily through her hair and glances up at the ceiling. it's rare, really, that she can't meet a person's eyes. ]

[Natasha clears her throat. At least that confirms Steve and Peggy were having sex, she supposes. Just less than Natasha had imagined.

Strange to think that there's a good chance she and Barnes have seen more action than the two of them though.

She snorts and shakes her head.]

You know some people—not to name names but some people—when they're faced with a problem like that, might just be quieter.

Easier said than done, I'm afraid.

[ oh, her tone is dry. she is unhappy with just about every facet of this. except perhaps the ways in which one might read into the words problem like that. still, she manages not to deliver too incisive a glance. ]

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