driftfleet | 'cause it's better than nothing

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'cause it's better than nothing

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(last updated: 1/25/19)

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[ loki gives him a flat look. ]

That much I am aware of, but what are they?

[ he's never seen a film reel after all. ]

[An illusion. Just an illusion of things that don't exist anymore]

Film. Movies used to be put on it. The projector used it before everything changed.

[ loki plucks the one with the red label, waving it. ]

How does it work? Show me.

[Steve doesn't need to.

As soon as he touches it, the room starts to fade from the screen outward. That sepia light spreads, covering everything like a flickering fog until, finally, out of the haze steps a woman in a red dress. Steve is there, too, the room changing into a bar but a strangely empty one despite the faraway tinkle of a piano playing and the ghost-like drinking songs sung by invisible men. He's bigger, again, as Loki would remember him but in a uniform he would not.

The girl walks closer and Steve smiles at her.

'Captain,' she says.

'Agent Carter.'

There was more words. More things that were said. But they fade away as soon as they come out. Until.

'I might even, when this is all over, go dancing', she says, eyes on Steve even though someone else was clearly talking.

'Then what are we waiting for?' The same voice says, clear even without a body. All that Steve can see is Peggy as she sees him. Really sees him. Peggy with her red dress and her gorgeous eyes and her red lips as she stands there and says, 'The right partner'. The first person to ever say that and mean him.

The color fades out from the background first and then covers Steve, too. Peggy is the last one to disappear, the red holding strong in the bland light. But then she's gone too and all that remains is the theater with Steve in his seat.

The red film reel has now frozen around the edges, the red muted from what it had been before. If Loki keeps holding it, the next memory on this reel will play as well]

She was so beautiful.

[Steve doesn't look at Loki. Just straight ahead.]

I wish I had just asked her then... I thought there would be more time.

[ ah. he knew her. she had been on the fleet long ago. loki had liked her. did her hair for her wedding, though obviously he did not intend. happy events and past histories do not mix well. ]

Time is a heartbeat. You are never ready for how little you have.

[He laughs, hollowly as the light begins to spread out again.]

You're telling me? Pal. That's the only thing I've ever learned in my life.

You may have learned it, but how much of it have you let consume you?

So what if your time was short? It mattered to her and it mattered to you, did it not?

[He says nothing. The light takes over the room as it turns into a plane's cockpit, the window broken and wind howling in.

'Come in, this is Captain Rogers,' he says, urgent but not panicked. Not now. There is silence save for the wind and then:

'Steve? Is that you? Are you alright?'

Peggy. Of course it's Peggy. She wants his coordinates so he can land but there's not enough time and Steve has to tell her that. Has to tell her that it's heading for New York with bombs and there's no other way to save the people there. He has to put it in the water.

They both know what that means.

'Peggy. This is my choice.' He sets her picture beside him to look at as he goes down. And he knows it's selfish to talk to her, now. But he needs to hear her voice. One last time. 'Peggy?'

'I'm here...'

'I'm gonna need a raincheck on that dance.'

'Alright' She's crying. He can hear it. 'A week. Next Saturday at the Stork Club'.

This is nonsense. Everything they're saying is nonsense. He tells her he doesn't know how to dance and she says she'll show him how. Like they have the luxury of that. 'Just be there' she says. And he won't.

The plane hits the ground. It's freezing cold as snow fills the cockpit and Steve grabs that picture like he can save it. He's thrown out of his chair and the shock has him gasping for frozen air. The plane is going down and he's going with it. He lays down on the floor, knowing that this is the end, Peggy held to his chest as his eyes close.

As the light fades away, back into the theater. The film reel is gone, now. Steve is hunched forward, staring at the floor.]

She deserved more.

[ loki doesn't fully understand this sense of guilt. thor seems to hold to a similar standard while loki finds it absurd. why take responsibility for things beyond your control? but perhaps that is what heroes are made of. loki's glad he's not one. all this misplaced guilt and regret. it could easily tear a person apart. ]

Her life is her own. You shared it with her for a while, but from what I know of her, she wasn't defined by you.

[Steve looks at Loki, face inscrutable as he processes those words.]

You knew her?

[ a slow nod. ]

I did, though we were not close.

[He stands, confused and pained equally]

She was here? They brought her here?

She was. Many of your comrades come and go here. It is not uncommon.

[That doesn't make it better. If anything, it makes it all worse.]

I'm...glad. That what happened didn't hurt her. And that she's not here now.

[Maybe it defined him more than it ever did her. She lived a full life. Steve? Steve never has.

He sits back down]

Mmm. Perhaps you should consider living your own. Being fortunate enough to have one.

[ loki's died enough time to know you can't take such things for granted. regrets or otherwise. ]

How can you fight for life if you do not know how to live it?

Good question.

[Steve looks around the room and lets out a small sigh]

I was asked once what made me happy. I still haven't been able to come up with an answer.

What's yours?

[ loki says nothing before smiling. ]

I already have my answer. I have had it for some time.

[ the one thing he's truly willing to die for. ]

[Steve can't help but smile back]

I'm glad for you, then. If it's a person, make sure they know. Time is a heartbeat, I've heard.

[ loki rolls his eyes. ]

Quoting me? Very smooth.

Falling back on sarcasm after showing a vulnerable piece of yourself. Also smooth.

Are you sure you're speaking of me or yourself?

Doesn't have to be one or the other. We can both be avoidant.

[ loki huffs. ]

I suppose there is some measure of truth in that.

[He laughs himself.]

Enough deflection, yet?

Mmmm.

[ loki looks over the other reels. ]

What else is there?

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