driftfleet | 'cause it's better than nothing

Entry tags:

'cause it's better than nothing

[ Calibration Rooms ]
( for N-Z characters )

Before you post your toplevel comment, please:
1. Check the first letter of your character's name as its written in our tags. N-Z names comment here, and A-M names go to the other post.
2. Make a note in your comment if anything especially triggering or graphic might show up in the Calibration. If you're not sure if something's worth noting or not, we suggest listing it anyway, just to err on the side of caution.
3. Put your character's name (it can be shortened or different from the tag, this time) in the subject of your comment. This will help visitors find you easily, and help us update the list below.
4. Post your comment! It's fine if everyone's Calibrations end up looking and reading very different from one another. As long as you're having fun and following our guidelines, you're good to go. :)
5. If you have any questions or concerns during Calibrations, you are welcome to send them towards the mod team at any time, as always.

ROOMS BY CHARACTER

N - P

Otono-Tachibana Makie

Q - S

Sandalio "Biffy" de Rabiffano

T - V

W - Z

(last updated: 1/25/19)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Pfft. [He snorts in laughter at that, then starts stirring the pot again.]

Hardly. It's a whole lotta nothing up in Taako's head. Used to be full of stuff, but now it's all gone.

[He uses the spoon to point to the empty chairs again.]

Things always leave eventually anyway, so it was easier to just let them all go.

[ the voidfish, most likely. it doesn't surprise him, but it is unnerving. ]

Is it though?

Don't really have a choice on it.

[He spins the wooden spoon in his fingers and goes back to stirring the pot. For a moment, he lets that hang in the air, and then he sighs, closing his eyes, his ears dipping lower.]

If I don't fuck it up somehow, it'll just be taken from me. Like this all was. Like my memories. Getting attached is just a fast track to Painsville and nooo thank you. Taako's good out here, right where he is.

[ he . . . can't argue that. still. ]

Things will stagnate. You'll drive yourself mad.

I mean, I live on the fucking moon going after relics that can level entire cities or turn the entire planet into fucking pink tourmaline or straight up erase you from time. It's dangerous enough that even the emissary of Death is like "dude, this is bad for you??" and I'm still doing it.

[Because he has no other choice. No one else will have him. This is the only thing he can do. And he can't just leave Magnus and Merle. Even if he hates them sometimes, they're the only ones who've stuck around. It hasn't been that long, but they've stayed where no one else ever has. No one that mattered or didn't eventually try to murder him.]

If that isn't the definition of being absolutely fucking nutso, I dunno what is.

But you do it because you cannot picture any other way. You are in the Fleet now. You should make that time matter while you can.

[ before another loop comes, before the inevitability sets in. taako is still alive and in life, there is room for change. ]

No, I do it because--

[He remembers telling Kravitz this once, and how sad it made him and Taako pauses, looking down into the pot at the nothing staring him back in the face.

Well, if this is some weird dream, it's not like it matters if he's honest or not, right?]

--Because no one else will have me. All other career options have been cut off back on my planet thanks to a giant douche of a former roadie and oh...about 40 some odd innocents now lying 6 feet under that everyone thinks is my fault. Even on the Fleet, it's impermanent. Whenever I stop being useful, either the crew or Atroma will icebox me.

[Taako shrugs and picks up a glass shaker of spices, looking it over before putting it back in favor for another. He casually flavors his pot and then drops the shaker back into its slot on the countertop. He's blase about the entire thing, like he's talking about the weather.]

It's just a waiting game to see who gets tired of me first.

[ loki is quiet, unnaturally so. ]

It is. And it always will be. But even if they do, at least they will leave you with something. A feeling, a memory. Even a heartbeat that was yours alone. If you wait for the nothing, you will leave with nothing. You will cease to exist.

And I think you will hate that more.

[Taako stops stirring for a moment, then glances at Loki. Where he's usually all smiles and bravado, instead there is a quiet smallness to him. He's so tired at this point in his life, after everything that's happened, all the static he can't remember, the feeling that he's lost something so important that he'll never get back, it's worn him down and he's just so tired.

The moment passes quickly enough and he shrugs again, motioning over his shoulder at all the objects lying around, as he goes back to stirring.]

Can't really rely on memory, my dude. It's all fucked up, or do you not know about the static? One of those'll show you what it's like, but I don't recommend it. It's really fucked some people up when they touch it.

I am aware.

[ loki is no stranger to mental manipulations. or voids. ]

No one is asking you to rely on it. All I said was that it is better than the nothingness. You know what that feels like.

[ or maybe that's just loki. he will always choose pain over the nothingness. it may tempt him. it has before. but he'll never succumb to it again. as for pain, well, he can endure it all. ]

[He quiet for a moment, staring into the pot of, exactly as Loki said, nothingness. He's still stirring it, can see the spoon spin through the air like there should be something there, but he can't see it. He can't wrap his mind around it.]

...I think somewhere along the way, I just chose not to care anymore.

[If that's nothingness? Then yeah, that's what he went with. It was lonely and it was painful in its own way, but it meant he was safe. No one could hurt him if he didn't let anyone close enough. He'd joke and pretend and stick around for as long as it was convenient for him, but the second he got a hint that things would turn sour? It was easier to bounce if he didn't let himself get personally invested. He could compartmentalize and forget about the people he left behind because they'd done the same with him. The endless caravans, the waking up in the middle of the night to find his bed empty, the long stretches of nothing.

The over one hundred years of nothing that still glares at him anytime he tries to imagine what might be there.

Taako shakes his head and shrugs.]

It's all just dust in the end. Pragmatically speaking, at least. Humans die in under a hundred years. Dwarves last a little longer, but not by much. It's fine though. Taako's fine with being alone.

[ loki is 99% sure this is bullshit. taako like the grandeur because he likes to be noticed. he likes to cook because there is an audience. he's not surprised that taako tells himself such things, but he didn't expect it here, in the mindscape. still, nothing defeats the lies they tell themselves.

but loki isn't anyone to taako. and loki has already demonstrated how utterly useless he is when it came to helping others. perhaps it's better to stop before he makes things worse, as he does. but he asks anyway. ]

Does Lup and your grim reaper know that?

[That.

That stops him immediately. He hates that it does, too, and he glares at his hand where it's frozen mid-stir in the pot. Lup and Kravitz...didn't know. He's been letting himself get too close to them, too close to everyone here, and it frightens him. He's always wanted and needed that connection, the feeling of someone who would care if he lived or died, but he isn't at a place where he can admit it.

Have some fun? Sure. Have stupid feelings that will eventually come to bite him in the ass? .....Unexpected.]

I only met Lup here. Kravitz is...complicated.

[Very complicated.]

Honestly, you're probably the only person here - dream or otherwise - who's heard this. [He snorts.] Surprise?

Somewhat. But no one can understand it better than I. You are an elf, but I am a God.

[ no matter how long lived elves are, they don't compare to the length of time thor and loki have lived. and even though they haven't spent much time with mortals, loki knows what a toll it takes. how simple and minute the concerns that inundate them, that thor and loki must adapt to. ]

Life is long. But it can also be short. And I've learned regrets will come, no matter how good you are at staving off your feelings.

The first time I died, I thought that.

[He remembers the moment that the ground exploded under him, the entirety of Refuge dissolving around him. The second he died, he thought a lot about how much he regretted, how unfortunate it all was, how shitty a way to die this was. He had a lot of thoughts that all jumbled together into two words: Well shit.

And then it'd been over.

Until it all came back.

After the third time, he'd stopped caring. It hurt, sure, but if he was going to die a shitload, it was better to be on a loop of resets at least. It'd helped curb his regrets, his fear, and his pain. He'd just settled into it as yet another part of his weird-ass life.]

But I figure I'll die before I have to actually face anything. I'm not hoping to beef it anytime soon, means I'll get erased from history, but I guess none of 'em will have to mourn me in that case.

[ not sure if "guess I'll die" is suitable response to anything. loki is past that crucible, in thinking that dying solves anything. it rarely does and it rarely improves anything. ]

If you say so.

[Taako shrugs and goes back to making a pot full of something and nothing at the same time. Dying isn't something he expects to do anytime soon, or wants to do, other than the whole blowing himself up fiasco, but it is a stark reality in his line of work. It pays to be blase about it, even if he fights as hard as possible to make sure it doesn't happen.]

No I mean, really. If I die on a mission - no one'll remember me. It's part in parcel with being a member of a secret memory-wiping organization. You die and your entire life gets fed to the Voidfish. I'll cease to exist. Hell of a retirement package, huh?

[ yeah that just sounds messed up. ]

And what are the benefits?

Money? A place to live?

[A sense of purpose. A feeling like he's actually leaving a mark on the world beyond Glamour Springs. Someone to talk to when he isn't completely grossed out by all the weird shit they pull.

Taako shrugs.]

I'm a simple elf with simple needs. I'd rather not starve to death and except where I died a shitload in Refuge - which didn't end up really counting since we survived the last time - I don't plan on beefin' it anymore anytime soon.

I do not think the benefits outweigh the risks. Not even a little. You are a mage. You can do whatever you want.

[ he's not dismissing those needs, but literally, magic can easily solve those issues. ]

...

[Taako stops suddenly, frowning. He fidgets at the towel hanging at his waist and then slips a stray strand of hair behind his ear, out of his face. It almost immediately falls back into place, barely masking the darkness that flits over his expression.]

S-sure I could, but... [He laughs a little nervously.] Cha' boy had his reasons for not wanting to, uh, be running around flinging magic everywhere until recently.

[It'd been awhile, but he was still technically wanted for all those deaths. He had to avoid cooking, avoid anything having to do with the culinary world. He was known, his face known, and he had to be careful, lay low. It'd been easy to hook up with an adventuring party, but hard to find one that would take someone with so little experience.]

And uh, once I signed up with the Bureau, it was kind of a lifelong gig. Drank from the tank and all that.

[ huh. there's more to this here than what taako was telling him. unsurprising, but still interesting. loki hums to himself. ]

You might succeed better if you see this through. Perhaps even remove your curse.

Pfft, what curse? Having a steady job and a place to live? I mean, I have to put up with the Boner Squad on missions, but it's not so bad that I'd call it a "curse."

[And if Loki meant all the other things Taako had just been talking about? Well, he's going to ignore all that. Feelings and pouring them out like sugar on the floor is still something Taako struggles with. He'd rather ignore them and pretend nothing bothered him, then wallow in the realization that so much of his own life is unknown to him, that his future is uncertain, that he might be insignificant.]

As long as I keep collecting the Relics, I'll be fine. Dumb luck's gotten me this far, might as well see how much further it'll let me ride its coattails.

[ yeah this is a mess waiting to happen. ]

Yes, well. Good luck with that.

[The smile falters on his face for a brief moment before being plastered on harder. It's easier to smile and pretend than it is to acknowledge that anything effects him.]

Got Istus on my side, so at least I can't just die for no reason for awhile.

[He shrugs and turns back to his pot, stirring it quietly.]

The door's probably open, if you're tired of me already. I'm sure it'll open for you.

'cause it's better than nothing

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)