driftfleet | 'cause it's better than nothing

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'cause it's better than nothing

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(last updated: 1/25/19)

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Is that what you've learned? [Natasha's expression is shuttered as she says it, but soft. The last thing she wants to do is drag down Vision's comment.] That's a good lesson, all things considered.

[He did say "little", not "nothing". He'd still consider the lives of half the universe more important, to use a completely random example.

He huffs in annoyance.] I'd rather have the friend back than the lesson, but it's not as though we have any control over such things.

No, none of us do. All we can do is remember him. And try to do the best we can for the version of him we have. [And try to do it in a way that's not too unfair to this Bucky. Natasha isn't sure how well she's walking that line, but oddly she has a good deal of faith in Vision's ability to find balance.]

I agree.

[It's a difficult balance, and he truly does hope he's not pushing Bucky away. But he also wants to do right by the man, and make up for what he considers his failings around Germany.]

But enough about my regrets. You're quite welcome here, Natasha. I don't intend to keep any secrets from you.

I believe you when you say that. I really do. Vision isn't much of a liar. It's part of what Natasha likes about him. After years spent among spies and assassins, there's something refreshing about the honesty. It's something she likes about Steve too.] But I'm pretty sure there's some things I don't need to see—not in a hurry to snoop on you and Wanda.

[That gets a response that's half grin and half smirk.]

If you feel you can crack the firewall those memories are behind, I invite you to try. I'm aware there's a difference between secrecy and privacy.

That is a challenge I'm comfortable not answer. [There's something reassuring about him saying that—not everyone can enforce their own boundaries here.] Have the others been poking around? Taking a look?

Yes. It does seem to draw people we already know more than others we have yet to meet. Though not always. It's been a surprisingly good way to catch up with Captain Rogers, for example.

[Otherwise, how do you drop to someone that you're twice as old as they think you are?]

[That gets a chuckle out of Natasha. Good job, Vision. This is relaxing.]

That's one way to get up to date. He's pretty far behind... And I'm sure he wants to get closer.

[He exhales ruefully.]

I'd not blame him if he felt otherwise, after how we last parted in our own world. It means more to me than I can say that the rest of you were willing to accept my advances.

[Namely for when he wanted nothing more than to talk to Wanda, but their continued support--because he's under no illusion that he could have continued their affair if any of Team Cap had been against it--has contributed so much to his own state of well-being over the past two years at home that anything else is terrible to contemplate. Then again, he does come from a long acquaintance with I-Hold-Grudges-Forever-Because-I-Don't-Admit-I'm-Wrong Stark.]

What happened, it's not anyone's fault. Not really. [Someone else could argue differently, Natasha is sure. Including Stark. But from her perspective that's the only conclusion that has a future.] We all did what we thought was right in a situation that wasn't gonna give us any easy answers.

[And of any of them, Natasha has the least room to judge after what she pulled flipping when she did.]

[He exhales, and it seems to take some of the tension out; even the surrounding walls glow a softer shade of yellow.]

Thank you, Natasha. I hold a great deal of regret around the Accords.

[Behind him, two phrases flash by. Those who are deemed a threat to the safety of the general public may be held indefinitely without trial and The creation of self-aware AI is completely prohibited. They're both phrases lifted directly from the Accords, and they're the two that weigh most heavily on him.]

I want to move past them, but they've so defined my life for the past two years--that's two-thirds of my life at home, Natasha. And here?

[He gestures around himself, encompassing the entire room.]

They take us against our will, they invade our minds, they force us to act against our own will at times, and they take away our friends without allowing them so much as a goodbye. Yet I can walk around freely without disguising myself, and my very existence is not prohibited by law.

[A panel glows red, and Wanda smiles out of it.]

And I'm free to love as I will.

Is it wrong to prefer it here?

[She glances at the walls, reading the segments as they appear, her lips tightening slightly.

Compromise. Compromise, reassure, challenge. Punching robots and aliens is a lot less complicated than politics. But the world of policy and law, and subverting those policies had been baked into Natasha's training.

Maybe she'd been too comfortable with it? She shakes her head.]

I don't think there's a wrong thing to prefer. And you've been here a long time. In a lot of ways, it's as much your home as our world was.

[She doesn't feel the same, but there are reasons for that.]

I know for a fact you're not the only person who feels that way.

[He nods, not seeming to register any significance to the past tense Natasha uses when talking about their own world.]

Thank you. I realize most people find that strange, and yet--a few years is my entire life. I can point to specific divergences in my growth here compared to home.

[Illustrating the point, a panel displays a complex schematic representing his mind - and then another, very similar, and the two combining and integrating. The result is a unique one.]

And yet some things remain consistent. [Perhaps unsurprisingly, an image of Wanda Maximoff bubbles to the surface - she's smiling in this one, but the rest of the image is blurry. And then, getting back to the subject at hand, an image of natasha herself with that wry smile of hers.] You've been one of those things, Natasha. You treat me like a good friend. I wanted to thank you for that.

[She could thank him for that, too. For some of the Avengers, the team's the closest thing they've had to a family in a long time, but in the Vision's case, it's the only one he's know.

She shakes her head a little, her gaze flicking over the display, taking in the way it illustrates his words.]

You've been a good friend to me too.

I don't want to take you for granted.

[They both know what happens to people you take for granted.]

So I do want you know that anything I can do for you, I will.

I know you would. You don't have to worry too much about me. I'm not feeling neglected.

[That gets a warm smile and a quick squeeze to Natasha's hands.]

I worry more that you feel isolated, to be frank.

[That gives her pause. Not because it's not true, and not because she didn't realize it.

All things considered, it's largely self-inflicted.

She didn't expect anyone to notice, though.]

What makes you say that?

[That's....a good question, and he ponders it for a moment.]

Steve and the other new arrivals are too recent to understand your life here, and I don't know if you've found someone else who's been here long enough to understand both that and your life at home to confide in after Winter left.

[Here in his own mind, that particular James Buchanan Barnes will always be Winter. He may not know the full extent of Winter and Natasha's relationship, but she'd trusted him. That's more than enough.]

Normally I'd say it's none of my business, but you are my friend. I'd hate to see you unhappy.

[That escalated in a way Natasha was not entirely prepared for. While she's relatively confident it's as much luck as anything, to have the Vision go right to the heart of her current isolation is...

Well, it's not great.

She did come to rely on James much than she ever intended for emotional support, and now without him she holds everything inside like a snake, with no way to let go and full knowledge that the thing in her hands is poisonous.]

I won't tell you it's none of your business. [Which isn't the same as making it his business. There's no many reasons not to unload this on him. He has something good here, and the last thing she wants to do is break it.] Some people don't get to be happy sometimes.

I've made peace with that.

Natasha--

[He hesitates only a brief moment. But here is one of the only places where he's truly comfortable with everything, and if she struggles at all he'll let go. So. She's getting a hug that he tries to communicate wordlessly with: he's here, she's not alone, and that he believes in her. He trusts her.]

I know enough that sometimes need not be the same as always. I want to see it pass, and see you come out on the other side as strong as ever. Even if it takes a long time and seems harder than anyone should have to bear, it's not a burden you need to bear alone.

Don't deny yourself that.

[She does not struggle. The hug comes as a surprise, even though it shouldn't. It might be a product of being here, of Vision behaving so comfortably, that Natasha's caught so flat footed.

She returns the hug though, giving him a little hug in return, resting her head on his shoulder briefly.]

Thank you. I'll be all right, though. Promise. [There's a brief pause as she comes to a decision. It's not like she ever meant to keep things a secret in the first place, really—it's habit and defensive instincts that keep her quiet.] I'm not going to be able to replace James for the same reason you wouldn't be able to replace Wanda.

But I know I'm not alone.

[The admission is enough to make things click into place. There had been hints, yes, but he'd dismissed them as not having enough evidence behind them; there was no reason they couldn't have simply been very close friends. Teammates. Partners. Romantic love is no prerequisite for trust, as well he knows, but--to have had both, and lost it, and know it's never going to be the same again?

No wonder she'd been acting like she was hurt so badly.

Even so, he's touched that she doesn't pull away immediately, and he smiles at her warmly, even if his gaze is now tinged with echoed pain.]

No, you're not alone. And no, there is no replacement for that kind of feeling.

[He squeezes her once more and releases her, knowing that even that much physical contact doesn't come lightly for her. Spies will be spies.]

I'm glad you had that much, if only for a time. I do subscribe to the philosophy that beauty in transcience is no less worthy than that which lasts.

[If Wanda were to disappear tomorrow, he would of course be devastated. But he'd like to think that he could continue on and remember her for the joy they had together. After all, he doesn't physically age, and none of his components show the slightest sign of wear after several years. For all he knows, he could outlive the planet he was born to. What would be the use in that, if he couldn't remember the grace and beauty humanity had shown him?

Around him on all the walls are reminders of people he's known and lost in the Fleet. Someone who focused only on what he'd lost would be terribly depressed by it all. But that's never been his attitude, and if he has anything to say about it, it never will be.

(Also, "James", huh?)

His expression goes back to the wry smile he wears often, and his tone becomes dry.]

And so things are more complicated than they seem, with the new arrival.

[Natasha pulls away a little, gently reclaiming her space as he lets her go.]

I don't disagree. And I don't regret what happened. [They have what they have while they have it. That's the way it is with people in her line of work, and in Drift Fleet. The same way she doesn't regret what happened with Bruce.

She can allow things to be bittersweet.

But there are other factors.]

It could be complicated. I'm trying to make it simple.

'cause it's better than nothing

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